My husband's ex has been bad-mouthing me to him

[Anonymous]

It's really cool that you're all replying with advice and support (I know online forums can be full of snark). I'm new to this sure and not sure the etiquette - if I haven't thanked each of you for your reply, know that I'm grateful.

[Anonymous]

Nothing you can do, OP. You could be Mother Theresa and she'd still bad mouth you. My DH's ex wife was/is the same. Whatevs.

[Anonymous]

Nothing you can do, OP. She was wrong to vent to your DH. But here's the thing-- do you do the kid stuff for her? Or do you do it for your husband, or for the sake of your own relationship with the kids? It's telling that you want to let "her" be responsible for the kids, rather than letting "them"-- i.e. her and your DH-- be responsible. If you want to do less, work that out with your DH in a way that he is still pulling his weight, not letting what you no longer do fall on her shoulders.

You wanted to marry your DH, and helping with the kids was the price you paid for doing so. So get over the idea that you do this as a favor to her and that she owes you anything for it. You probably irritate her in a lot of ways too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm new to this site, but was really happy to find a place I can vent and maybe get some advice.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 5. I have two step-kids (high schoolers). We share custody. His ex lives in the same neighborhood and we seemed to be functioning all right as a blended family.

I've really tried hard to fit in, help out and not take anything too personally or too seriously. Recently I found out (my husband and I share a desktop computer) that in a few emails between him and his ex, she has said some really harsh things about me. Yes I snooped.

I'm not so much concerned about my husband buying into what she's saying (she's his ex for a reason), but I am having a hard time stomaching his ex having any role in my life. She expects me to pitch in and do carpools and stuff - part of me really wants to give her the finger and let her take care of her own shit and be responsible for her kids. The rational part of me knows it would affect the kids. But I can't bring myself to continue to pitch in and be a team player when ultimately the person who benefits is an asshole.

I'm non-confrontational to a fault, so talking to her about it is not going to happen. My instinct is just to get over it and hold my nose around her (figuratively) since they'll be away and in college in the next 3 years. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

Srsly? She will have a role in your life. That's what happens when you marry a man with kids. Get used to it. You will, if you're lucky, be grandparenting the same grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult kid here. I know it's tough but try and let it slide. Don't stir the pot anymore. If you truly can't let it slide handle it like an adult please.

I think if it fits in your schedule to take the kids then do it. You are not rewarding her, you are rewarding yourself and the kids relationship. Trust me. And please don't just say they will be gone in three years. They will be apart of you all lives forever. Do you want a relationship with the kids? I would hope so.

~ signed a stepdaughter to a Stepmother who I truly adore and love and is my best friend! (Didn't start that way).

I honestly appreciate your reply. It didn't occur to me to think about it from their perspective. And it was terrible wording for me to say that they'll be gone in three years - I guess what I really want was that we wouldn't have to deal with his ex on a regular basis in three years. I'm definitely not implying I'd be holding my nose about the kids! I feel like a jerk now.

Well, that was a rookie mistake, and that kind of thing may be the basis for her accusation of immaturity. Definitely try harder to think of things from the kids' perspective in the future. I know it's an adjustment when they aren't your kids and you aren't used to thinking of things in that way, but I do think the lack of parenting perspective and experience is an obstacle that a lot of step-parents struggle with.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is very entitled to hurt feelings. Anytime you knock yourself out to be a team player (at work or in any rough family situation), you hope to be appreciated, not disparaged.

That said, once those hurt feels heal a little, I think it's important to have some perspective here. XW may be an unhappy, jealous, and/or insecure person. She is not complaining about _you_ per se, she is complaining because she is hurt her XH is now happy and/or jealous that he is now happy and/or more financially comfortable and/or jealous that you have more time and/or money, etc. You can take--and should--take the higher ground here because of your partner and his children.

I also think that when you can, you might want to do more, but not because of any of the stupid things XW is saying, but because it may help make things smoother in your new blended family. That said, the book STEPMONSTER has some good advice about not becoming a door mat or feeling walked over, which may also be an issue here.

So try to forgive and forget her stupid comments, which are surely going to continue, and focus on what and how you and your partner want your new family to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm new to this site, but was really happy to find a place I can vent and maybe get some advice.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 5. I have two step-kids (high schoolers). We share custody. His ex lives in the same neighborhood and we seemed to be functioning all right as a blended family.

I've really tried hard to fit in, help out and not take anything too personally or too seriously. Recently I found out (my husband and I share a desktop computer) that in a few emails between him and his ex, she has said some really harsh things about me. Yes I snooped.

I'm not so much concerned about my husband buying into what she's saying (she's his ex for a reason), but I am having a hard time stomaching his ex having any role in my life. She expects me to pitch in and do carpools and stuff - part of me really wants to give her the finger and let her take care of her own shit and be responsible for her kids. The rational part of me knows it would affect the kids. But I can't bring myself to continue to pitch in and be a team player when ultimately the person who benefits is an asshole.

I'm non-confrontational to a fault, so talking to her about it is not going to happen. My instinct is just to get over it and hold my nose around her (figuratively) since they'll be away and in college in the next 3 years. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

The kids benefit from you pitching in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm new to this site, but was really happy to find a place I can vent and maybe get some advice.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 5. I have two step-kids (high schoolers). We share custody. His ex lives in the same neighborhood and we seemed to be functioning all right as a blended family.

I've really tried hard to fit in, help out and not take anything too personally or too seriously. Recently I found out (my husband and I share a desktop computer) that in a few emails between him and his ex, she has said some really harsh things about me. Yes I snooped.

I'm not so much concerned about my husband buying into what she's saying (she's his ex for a reason), but I am having a hard time stomaching his ex having any role in my life. She expects me to pitch in and do carpools and stuff - part of me really wants to give her the finger and let her take care of her own shit and be responsible for her kids. The rational part of me knows it would affect the kids. But I can't bring myself to continue to pitch in and be a team player when ultimately the person who benefits is an asshole.

I'm non-confrontational to a fault, so talking to her about it is not going to happen. My instinct is just to get over it and hold my nose around her (figuratively) since they'll be away and in college in the next 3 years. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

The kids benefit from you pitching in.

Exactly. And, OP, did she ask you to be stepmom to her kids? I doubt it. It was your idea to marry into this family! So don't act like you don't benefit. Helping with the kids was part of the deal with your DH, not the deal with the ex, right?

[Anonymous]

OP, if you don't want to do the kid stuff, you need to work that out with your DH. Don't act like it's "her" kids and "her" responsibility-- the kids belong to both parents.

I am sooooo sick of second wives who act like their DH is God's gift to the ex just because he (with her help) does his fair share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't want to do the kid stuff, you need to work that out with your DH. Don't act like it's "her" kids and "her" responsibility-- the kids belong to both parents.

I am sooooo sick of second wives who act like their DH is God's gift to the ex just because he (with her help) does his fair share.

It actually sounded to me like the ex is mad because OP won't cover carpools that the ex is supposed to take care of. I love that my ex's lady helps out with kid logistics but I would never expect her to cover for me. I wouldn't expect her to cover for my ex. Our kid is our responsibility at the end of the day and any assistance from other people (even if we are married to them) is to be appreciated not expected.

[Anonymous]

She was wrong to vent about you. But it sounds like your husband needs to be better about scheduling and staying organized. It's really hard to manage the logistics of a blended family, and if someone is being a flake, it's much harder for everyone else. I could see how irritating it would be, if the husband is dropping balls or failing to plan, and the OP doesn't want to pick up his slack. Wifey-style excuses like "it's just who he is" don't tend to carry much water with an ex.

The three of you need to be adults and work out a way to handle the logistics that everyone can agree on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't want to do the kid stuff, you need to work that out with your DH. Don't act like it's "her" kids and "her" responsibility-- the kids belong to both parents.

I am sooooo sick of second wives who act like their DH is God's gift to the ex just because he (with her help) does his fair share.

It actually sounded to me like the ex is mad because OP won't cover carpools that the ex is supposed to take care of. I love that my ex's lady helps out with kid logistics but I would never expect her to cover for me. I wouldn't expect her to cover for my ex. Our kid is our responsibility at the end of the day and any assistance from other people (even if we are married to them) is to be appreciated not expected.

I'm the OP. This is the case. I was making an effort to pick up the slack on days that she was slated to take care of things (she has a kid from her second marriage and I volunteered to do stuff early on in an effort to make things cool between us). I guess what hurt was realizing that she takes that for granted and that she's even willing to say uncool things about me. When it's our turn and we are scheduled to drive, etc, my husband and I handle things. So I was wrong for implying they're "her" kids and "her" responsibility. All I meant was that she's gotten used to me taking over for her when it's her turn. I pretty much assumed we were cool since she is nice to my face.

[Anonymous]

I am not an ex wife nor a 2nd wife so maybe I should keep my nose out of this,but I have a few questions. It seems to me, it is the job of the husband and the ex wife to coordinate carpools. If the 2nd wife wants to help out, that is completely up to her. Am I crazy here? To the OP , you seem like a nice person and I commend your behavior. I guess the ex wife is unhappy and thinks she has the right to dictate carpools etc for HER CHILDREN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you don't want to do the kid stuff, you need to work that out with your DH. Don't act like it's "her" kids and "her" responsibility-- the kids belong to both parents.

I am sooooo sick of second wives who act like their DH is God's gift to the ex just because he (with her help) does his fair share.

It actually sounded to me like the ex is mad because OP won't cover carpools that the ex is supposed to take care of. I love that my ex's lady helps out with kid logistics but I would never expect her to cover for me. I wouldn't expect her to cover for my ex. Our kid is our responsibility at the end of the day and any assistance from other people (even if we are married to them) is to be appreciated not expected.

I'm the OP. This is the case. I was making an effort to pick up the slack on days that she was slated to take care of things (she has a kid from her second marriage and I volunteered to do stuff early on in an effort to make things cool between us). I guess what hurt was realizing that she takes that for granted and that she's even willing to say uncool things about me. When it's our turn and we are scheduled to drive, etc, my husband and I handle things. So I was wrong for implying they're "her" kids and "her" responsibility. All I meant was that she's gotten used to me taking over for her when it's her turn. I pretty much assumed we were cool since she is nice to my face.

You should read Stepmonster. It's about exactly this type of dynamic, and about how to maintain boundaries that you are actually ok with. But honestly, in a "blended family" my experience has been that even when everyone steps up and does what they perceive as going above and beyond, nobody is really with each other satisfied and there is still a lot of lingering resentment. It's just that difficult to manage multiple kids over multiple households and all the divorce and remarriage baggage. Sorry but that's been the reality of my experience.

[Anonymous]

Well, you can be the kind of stepmom who pitches in, covers for others, etc., and have that kind of relationship with the kids. Or you can be the kind who doesn't, and that's a different type of relationship with the kids. I totally understand how people would want the second kind-- no judgment from me! But understand that it really is different. So if you want a close relationship with the kids, choose the first because that's what you want for yourself-- not because you're trying to keep anyone else happy.