Reply to My husband's ex has been bad-mouthing me to him

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm new to this site, but was really happy to find a place I can vent and maybe get some advice.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 5. I have two step-kids (high schoolers). We share custody. His ex lives in the same neighborhood and we seemed to be functioning all right as a blended family.

I've really tried hard to fit in, help out and not take anything too personally or too seriously. Recently I found out (my husband and I share a desktop computer) that in a few emails between him and his ex, she has said some really harsh things about me. Yes I snooped.

I'm not so much concerned about my husband buying into what she's saying (she's his ex for a reason), but I am [b]having a hard time stomaching his ex having any role in my life.[/b] She expects me to pitch in and do carpools and stuff - part of me really wants to give her the finger and let her take care of her own shit and be responsible for her kids. The rational part of me knows it would affect the kids. But I can't bring myself to continue to pitch in and be a team player when ultimately the person who benefits is an asshole.

I'm non-confrontational to a fault, so talking to her about it is not going to happen. My instinct is just to get over it and hold my nose around her (figuratively) since they'll be away and in college in the next 3 years. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?[/quote]

Srsly?  She will have a role in your life.  That's what happens when you marry a man with kids.  Get used to it.  You will, if you're lucky, be grandparenting the same grandkids.  [/quote]

I understand your reaction. I'm venting and haven't done a great job at explaining things.
I grew up in an incredibly chaotic, dysfunctional and abusive home. I guess what I meant about having a hard time stomaching her in my life is that I've tried my best to find peace and avoid chaos. She seems to thrive on chaos and drama and I don't say that lightly. She's always fighting with one kid or the other. Frequently she kicks one or the other out of the house for a few weeks or a month. I can honestly say I wasn't aware of how chaotic things could be with her. I'm never the recipient of the drama, I'm just off to the side. I've tried to ease some of her stress directly or indirectly by bein cool with her and her kids. So when I realized that she was creating drama around me (or attempting to) it just really hit a raw nerve.

My step kids aren't easy kids. I always give them the benefit of the doubt.
Always. I've never once yelled or fought with either one.

I understand that they benefit from me being peaceful and I guess ultimately the adults who have weighed in about their experiences growing up with step parents have convinced me that I should just take the high road.

But it still sucks.[/quote]

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