My husband's ex has been bad-mouthing me to him

[Anonymous]

I'm new to this site, but was really happy to find a place I can vent and maybe get some advice.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 5. I have two step-kids (high schoolers). We share custody. His ex lives in the same neighborhood and we seemed to be functioning all right as a blended family.

I've really tried hard to fit in, help out and not take anything too personally or too seriously. Recently I found out (my husband and I share a desktop computer) that in a few emails between him and his ex, she has said some really harsh things about me. Yes I snooped.

I'm not so much concerned about my husband buying into what she's saying (she's his ex for a reason), but I am having a hard time stomaching his ex having any role in my life. She expects me to pitch in and do carpools and stuff - part of me really wants to give her the finger and let her take care of her own shit and be responsible for her kids. The rational part of me knows it would affect the kids. But I can't bring myself to continue to pitch in and be a team player when ultimately the person who benefits is an asshole.

I'm non-confrontational to a fault, so talking to her about it is not going to happen. My instinct is just to get over it and hold my nose around her (figuratively) since they'll be away and in college in the next 3 years. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

[Anonymous]

Did he cheat on her with you?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely, positively not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he cheat on her with you?

Ha! There's the question.

[Anonymous]

Well, first of all - you really shouldn't have been snooping. But since you did, I'd be inclined to agree with you that you should let it go.

First wives have all sorts of emotional issues surrounding second (or third...) wives. Your husband obviously isn't buying into it and is a wise man to not pass on the messages from his ex to you.

I would seriously avoid putting your husband in the middle of this. The adult thing to do would be to talk to his ex about it. Since you are non confrontational, it probably wouldn't go well for you.

The kids will be gone soon. You are doing the right thing by helping out with them. You knew that your DH had kids, so by marrying him, you kind of agreed to the whole blended family thing.

In my experience, people are smart. His ex probably is only badmouthing you to your DH and her closest friends. That's to be expected. People understand that there are complicated dynamics in play. Hold your head high and be the better person.

[Anonymous]

I'm the ex-wife. It is completely inappropriate for her to trash-talk you to him. It is also inappropriate for him to be participating in those conversations. Is he responding to what she's saying at all, or is he just ignoring it and focusing on the substance of their communication (I assume the digs at you were not the main purpose of her emails)?

My ex's fiance is generally a good "team player" in our blended family, but she definitely had an adjustment period. He and I had less of an adjustment period because it was not our first rodeo - I am remarried and integrating my husband into our lives wasn't without speed bumps either, but we all got through it. I would never, EVER have talked smack about my ex's girlfriend to him, though. Even when her behavior was at its most frustrating, I vented that frustration to my husband or my mom and did not convey it to my ex or our kid.

What kinds of things is she saying? Are they things that can be addressed, or is she just being a b?

[Anonymous]

What did she say?

[Anonymous]

^^PP again.

I should point out that I am a first wife and have some resentment toward the second. She was in no way responsible for our break-up and I am happy to be divorced, but it is hard to watch my ex put more effort into raising his new step daughter than his own son.

So it's not really that I think his new wife should pull any more weight (or any at all), but it would be nice to see her make more effort to include our son in their daily lives, vacations, etc.

I guess I am just saying that it's complicated and you shouldn't take it too personally. You sound like a good person and a nice step mom to those kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP. Thanks for the replies. She said that I was vain. I don't have kids. I work two jobs. And I prefer to workout every day - either the gym or a run. She was being critical of me putting a workout ahead of spelling her for carpool on occasion. At least that's what I infer (I didn't want to snoop too deeply). She also said that I was immature - a criticism for which I can find no real justification. I'm hyper-realistic about my limitations, and being immature isn't one of them.

I'd never talk shit about her to her second husband and I'd be mortified if I thought my husband was criticizing her to her second husband.

I guess my anger over this is that I really have tried to be a good, calming presence in the family. And I feel like she has taken me for granted.

And in my defense the reason I was snooping: my husband isn't great at communicating schedules and details. It's just who he is. So I was trying to find out the arrangement for the next few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^PP again.

I should point out that I am a first wife and have some resentment toward the second. She was in no way responsible for our break-up and I am happy to be divorced, but it is hard to watch my ex put more effort into raising his new step daughter than his own son.

So it's not really that I think his new wife should pull any more weight (or any at all), but it would be nice to see her make more effort to include our son in their daily lives, vacations, etc.

I guess I am just saying that it's complicated and you shouldn't take it too personally. You sound like a good person and a nice step mom to those kids.

Thanks so much - your perspective is really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Adult kid here. I know it's tough but try and let it slide. Don't stir the pot anymore. If you truly can't let it slide handle it like an adult please.

I think if it fits in your schedule to take the kids then do it. You are not rewarding her, you are rewarding yourself and the kids relationship. Trust me. And please don't just say they will be gone in three years. They will be apart of you all lives forever. Do you want a relationship with the kids? I would hope so.

~ signed a stepdaughter to a Stepmother who I truly adore and love and is my best friend! (Didn't start that way).

[Anonymous]

I know this is highly frustrating, but think about it.
You have the power. You can make her kids' life difficult, and you can influence your husband in ways that will make her suffer.

And since you're a good person, you're not doing any of those things! But she's not rational, and may never be in your case. So learn to let it go. Her behavior is pitiful, really. Ignore it, and get your revenge by being a wonderful step-mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult kid here. I know it's tough but try and let it slide. Don't stir the pot anymore. If you truly can't let it slide handle it like an adult please.

I think if it fits in your schedule to take the kids then do it. You are not rewarding her, you are rewarding yourself and the kids relationship. Trust me. And please don't just say they will be gone in three years. They will be apart of you all lives forever. Do you want a relationship with the kids? I would hope so.

~ signed a stepdaughter to a Stepmother who I truly adore and love and is my best friend! (Didn't start that way).

I honestly appreciate your reply. It didn't occur to me to think about it from their perspective. And it was terrible wording for me to say that they'll be gone in three years - I guess what I really want was that we wouldn't have to deal with his ex on a regular basis in three years. I'm definitely not implying I'd be holding my nose about the kids! I feel like a jerk now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. Thanks for the replies. She said that I was vain. I don't have kids. I work two jobs. And I prefer to workout every day - either the gym or a run. She was being critical of me putting a workout ahead of spelling her for carpool on occasion. At least that's what I infer (I didn't want to snoop too deeply). She also said that I was immature - a criticism for which I can find no real justification. I'm hyper-realistic about my limitations, and being immature isn't one of them.

I'd never talk shit about her to her second husband and I'd be mortified if I thought my husband was criticizing her to her second husband.

I guess my anger over this is that I really have tried to be a good, calming presence in the family. And I feel like she has taken me for granted.

And in my defense the reason I was snooping: my husband isn't great at communicating schedules and details. It's just who he is. So I was trying to find out the arrangement for the next few weeks.

I'm 13:21. Thanks for the additional details.

I think that his ex is totally in the wrong here. I think that one way to address this would be not to give a reason for why you are unwilling to cover carpool for her. It is unfair for her to decide which reasons are acceptable to her when you're covering for her. As for being immature, I don't know how to address that other than to treat it the same way you'd treat such an accusation from anyone else who is not a close friend - ignore.

My ex has not always been good about his boundaries with his girlfriend, or with me. He has told me things about their relationship that did not seem appropriate (nothing salacious, just relationship stuff I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want broadcast) and he has definitely not been great about communicating the schedule to her. I actually posted a thread on this forum about it just before Christmas ("How to improve relations with his girlfriend" or something). I think the best you can do in this situation is continue as you've begun. She's not always going to appreciate the good, calming presence you bring. She will probably take you for granted. Your job (much like my job, in my situation) is the be the duck and let it all slide off.

You get to prioritize whatever you want in your own life. She gets to be annoyed when she cannot rely on other people to cover for her, regardless of the reason. (My ex's girlfriend got annoyed when I asked if they could take DD on an evening that was usually mine because I was having a medical procedure done in the morning and didn't know how I would feel. It wasn't like I was going to the gym - I was actually sedated and not really capable of parenting and my husband was out of town.)

[Anonymous]

My former stepmom is the kind of person who would do this. She has actually tried to trash my dad to ME, and I put a stop to it. The divorce was mostly her idea, and she moved on first, but it pissed her off when he moved on too. She's a less-happy person than he is, so she is always looking for reasons to be pissed, and he is a frequent target.

(my dad is not perfect. Things he does can drive me crazy too, but he is a nice man.)

Some people don't do well with breakups. They have to be mad at someone, and the new wife is a really good target. And yes, as a PP pointed out, sometimes the husband is a better husband to the next wife than he was to the first one, and that can be hard to watch.

If you haven't done anything to egg her on, just take the high road and keep being polite. She'll end up looking like an ass and a jerk, and you'll look good. Face it, we're adults. Not everyone is going to like us. You've got a good marriage and two stepkids, and they are what matters, so just keep doing what you're doing.