Teacher just told me my son has been bullying

[Anonymous]

OP, no advice here just support. My amazing, wonderful nephew who is now 15 years old was your son at 3 years old. My nephew was more aggressive and more dominant than the other kids. My brother and SIL worked hard to harness his aggression and energy. My SIL's best friend, who has a son the same age as my nephew, would not let the boys play together when they were little because my nephew would push him around (to put it nicely). This changed after a few years and the boys have been best buddies since then. Fast forward to now, the aggressive 3 year old is the captain of the 3 different sports teams he plays on, has never been in a fight at school and has a ton of friends. He's a great kid, who has empathy and insight well beyond his 15 years. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing and your son will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, to the PPs talking about bully labeling and whether the school is the right fit - I don't necessarily disagree. I will be giving it more time, he has only been there a month or so, and seeing if there are any other issues.

The teacher is quite sweet, and she seems to be my son's favorite. Specifically she did say he was "bullying" rather than saying that he was "a bully", and I do believe there is a difference there. I won't keep dwelling on the label itself but the behaviors, which are inappropriate regardless of the label.

Thanks to all of you for sound advice, I appreciate it.

Pp with a son like yours again. I think the key is that it shows a lack of understanding about whether she's aware that there may be underlying issues. I know it's mostly semantics, but bullying implies a mean intent, understanding that one's hurting feelings, etc. My son's teachers have told me many times that they understand that he isn't a 'bad kid' and isn't doing any of this maliciously. That's an important distinction to make.

[Anonymous]

Not bullying but there was a short time when my 2yo was biting. I said, "No hitting. No biting. No pushing." like thousands of times. No exaggeration. I would say it like 5x per hour everyday for like 3 months.

We talk about bullying often. The kids tell me which kids in the class are mean, bossy and bullies. I reinforce that we should not be bullies but it is not nice.

At my kids' school, they earn prizes for being super good like sharing. I focus on the good and make a really big deal when the kids do extra kind acts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hon, he's not a bully. Three year olds lack empathy, impulse control, and social skills. He's learning, and you are helping him learn. Throw away shame and help him do better next week.

This is what I was trying to think of how to articulate, thank you PP.

OP, you are an attentive, concerned parent and you should be applauded for recognizing the problem and getting to work on it. I would seriously hesitate to label a 3 year old a "bully". They don't have the verbal skills to articulate, are still in the "me me me" phase developmentally, both which are totally normal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hon, he's not a bully. Three year olds lack empathy, impulse control, and social skills. He's learning, and you are helping him learn. Throw away shame and help him do better next week.

This is what I was trying to think of how to articulate, thank you PP.

OP, you are an attentive, concerned parent and you should be applauded for recognizing the problem and getting to work on it. I would seriously hesitate to label a 3 year old a "bully". They don't have the verbal skills to articulate, are still in the "me me me" phase developmentally, both which are totally normal

All of the above-- refine your home discipline measures so that you react more calmly. It's important to model good empathy and frustration control. I'm not saying that to judge- it's just that some kids are more sensitive to raised voices and adult frustration. My son acts out when DH and I show even a hint of tension. It makes him anxious- we didn't realize it until we traced his meltdowns to our interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hon, he's not a bully. Three year olds lack empathy, impulse control, and social skills. He's learning, and you are helping him learn. Throw away shame and help him do better next week.

This is what I was trying to think of how to articulate, thank you PP.

OP, you are an attentive, concerned parent and you should be applauded for recognizing the problem and getting to work on it. I would seriously hesitate to label a 3 year old a "bully". They don't have the verbal skills to articulate, are still in the "me me me" phase developmentally, both which are totally normal

All of the above-- refine your home discipline measures so that you react more calmly. It's important to model good empathy and frustration control. I'm not saying that to judge- it's just that some kids are more sensitive to raised voices and adult frustration. My son acts out when DH and I show even a hint of tension. It makes him anxious- we didn't realize it until we traced his meltdowns to our interactions.

Thank you, I definitely think he is a sensitive kid in general, and I wouldn't be surprised if we could trace certain behaviors to timing of my and DHs negative interactions, too, like you describe. When I got home I mentioned this all to DH and said think about it, sometimes our fuses are just too short, we need to work on it. He agrees so we're off to a good start I guess!

Oy, parenting.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You need to pay attention to his friends, too. He might be modeling behavior of others--or reacting to being bullied himself. Nevertheless, it is not acceptable and he needs to know it.

[Anonymous]

Also, pay attention to what he watches on tv.

[Anonymous]

Holy cow OP, an almost 3yo can't be a bully - he can behave badly of course, but bullying involves intent to intimidate or emotionally damage another person. A 3yo may like pushing or hitting, but unless he's an extraordinary sociopath, he is not trying to torment another person. I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near a preschool that so wildly misunderstands toddler behavior.

Your son will be just fine! Many (most?) eyo boys go thru some kind of phase where they use their hands instead of their words. Qualified child are providers or early educators know this and have seen it a gazillion times before.

[Anonymous]

Re empathy- don't feel like you are screwing up if your kid hasn't developed this. Developmentally, true empathy is totally unrealistic for preschoolers and even kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is almost 3 and in an early preschool class with about 15 other 2 and 3 year olds. Yesterday he mentioned something to me in the car after pickup, about "Henry" and "push", and from what I could gather I thought he pushed Henry who had pushed him first. I told him we don't push people, it's not nice and it hurts them, and hurts their feelings and makes them sad.

Come to find out this morning when I dropped him off that he spent all day pushing around a smaller, presumably younger kid, Henry. She said he pushed him several times throughout the day and stood there and "watched him cry." She actually used the term bullying, and I don't disagree. We were standing there with Henry nearby, who took one look at my son and started crying. That broke my heart so much I almost cried myself.

So I stood there and told him that we don't push. It hurts people and hurts their feelings. Look, Henry is crying, he's scared. You don't like being scared do you? You don't push Henry, and you don't push anyone. Ms. So and So will tell me if you've been hurting your friends, and if you are, you will be in trouble at home.

It was very disappointing, and embarrassing, and my first thought is what are we doing wrong at home that he's learning that. Maybe he's learning it from seeing other kids? Maybe he got pushed by someone bigger a different time and doesn't know how to express it except push some other kid? It's a Montessori-esque program and my understanding is they don't do time out and things like that, she said when they caught him doing it they talked to him and said look, you made him sad, we don't hurt our friends, etc.



Should I be concerned here? Should I only be concerned if it keeps happening? He's a "typical" almost-3 year old boy -- gets into plenty of shenanigans at home, has his fair share of not listening to us/outright defiance of what we ask. Maybe I'm delusional and in denial and that's not typical, though?

The other thing is he has not been sleeping well the last week or so (though never a great sleeper, in general). Waking up a lot in the night saying he's scared of shadows, and waking up early in the morning before dawn thinking it's time to get up for the day. Perhaps it's related somehow?

Also, as I said to my husband when I returned home this morning after all of this, I think we need to be more aware of our consistency and how we discipline him at home. DH and I get so frustrated with my son for not listening we've definitely yelled at him, grabbed his arm when trying to get his attention, things that now seem childish and bad lessons in how to communicate with people that he's learning.

My son was like this at 3. The preschool teachers said "Three year olds push and hit. What we do as adults is reinforce the 'that's not nice' concept over and over. He's 20, never been in a fight, and always has the back of other bullied kids. Some kids are simply more impulsive than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy cow OP, an almost 3yo can't be a bully - he can behave badly of course, but bullying involves intent to intimidate or emotionally damage another person. A 3yo may like pushing or hitting, but unless he's an extraordinary sociopath, he is not trying to torment another person. I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near a preschool that so wildly misunderstands toddler behavior.

Your son will be just fine! Many (most?) eyo boys go thru some kind of phase where they use their hands instead of their words. Qualified child are providers or early educators know this and have seen it a gazillion times before.

Listen to this PP!!!!!100% correct!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hon, he's not a bully. Three year olds lack empathy, impulse control, and social skills. He's learning, and you are helping him learn. Throw away shame and help him do better next week.

AGREED. I spent three years dealing with severe bullying with 13 year olds with my oldest. Your son is NOT a bully. The teacher should know that.

He's using what would be termed inappropriate responses. You've already realized he's learning some of them at home. At this age you look for the reason, as others have said. Then you teach him how you want him to respond. When you explain things keep it short. By the time you've gotten through a long explanation he's lost interest.

"No, you don't push people." I don't even go with "Don't push your friends." I heard one kid respond with "not my friend!" (The kid isn't a friend, so I can push him.)

If he's going to push, then take him away from that person. It might take the teacher being on him like a wet blanket for a few days but he'll clue in. I'm not so sure time outs work at this age.

Work on gentler responses at home. Cut the yelling, if you have to redirect physically don't grab.

He's three. He's learning.

[Anonymous]

15:11 here, completely agree but neglected to mention that bullying involves intent. Intimidation, control, etc.

I'm not so sure I would want my kid around that teacher either. She doesn't understand toddler behavior, or what constitutes bullying.

[Anonymous]

15 2 and 3 year olds in one preschool class? That sounds like a nuthouse to me.