Teacher just told me my son has been bullying

[Anonymous]

My son is almost 3 and in an early preschool class with about 15 other 2 and 3 year olds. Yesterday he mentioned something to me in the car after pickup, about "Henry" and "push", and from what I could gather I thought he pushed Henry who had pushed him first. I told him we don't push people, it's not nice and it hurts them, and hurts their feelings and makes them sad.

Come to find out this morning when I dropped him off that he spent all day pushing around a smaller, presumably younger kid, Henry. She said he pushed him several times throughout the day and stood there and "watched him cry." She actually used the term bullying, and I don't disagree. We were standing there with Henry nearby, who took one look at my son and started crying. That broke my heart so much I almost cried myself.

So I stood there and told him that we don't push. It hurts people and hurts their feelings. Look, Henry is crying, he's scared. You don't like being scared do you? You don't push Henry, and you don't push anyone. Ms. So and So will tell me if you've been hurting your friends, and if you are, you will be in trouble at home.

It was very disappointing, and embarrassing, and my first thought is what are we doing wrong at home that he's learning that. Maybe he's learning it from seeing other kids? Maybe he got pushed by someone bigger a different time and doesn't know how to express it except push some other kid? It's a Montessori-esque program and my understanding is they don't do time out and things like that, she said when they caught him doing it they talked to him and said look, you made him sad, we don't hurt our friends, etc.



Should I be concerned here? Should I only be concerned if it keeps happening? He's a "typical" almost-3 year old boy -- gets into plenty of shenanigans at home, has his fair share of not listening to us/outright defiance of what we ask. Maybe I'm delusional and in denial and that's not typical, though?

The other thing is he has not been sleeping well the last week or so (though never a great sleeper, in general). Waking up a lot in the night saying he's scared of shadows, and waking up early in the morning before dawn thinking it's time to get up for the day. Perhaps it's related somehow?

Also, as I said to my husband when I returned home this morning after all of this, I think we need to be more aware of our consistency and how we discipline him at home. DH and I get so frustrated with my son for not listening we've definitely yelled at him, grabbed his arm when trying to get his attention, things that now seem childish and bad lessons in how to communicate with people that he's learning.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked the teacher for advice? You need to make sure that you're coordinating with the school and handling this in a consistent way. Since the teacher told you, ask her how she recommends you deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked the teacher for advice? You need to make sure that you're coordinating with the school and handling this in a consistent way. Since the teacher told you, ask her how she recommends you deal with this.

Thank you. I did ask her how they handle it when he did it, and she said they said him down and talked to him about how he was making his friend sad and that it's hurtful and not nice to push, that "we don't hurt our friends" which is basically how I've handled any past physicality with him (ie if he hits me or my husband or his little sister).

[Anonymous]

You're right to notice that your yelling and grabbing is not a good model. At home, I'd do more than just talk to him about not pushing. If he pushes or hits, immediately remove him from the room. Say no. Later, talk to him about positive ways to express frustration or anger. Be firm. Model ways to express anger and frustration.

[Anonymous]

I'm a parent of a 3 year old "bully" also. It's very difficult, as we do everything we can to prevent it - talking about and enforcing consequences, building empathy, etc. It has improved as he has gotten older (started about 2.75, he is now nearly 4 and we've seen improvement).

I do believe that my son has sensory issues. It's not an excuse, but we do have him in OT for his tendency to get "over-physical" with other kids. I do think OT can be sort of a catch-all but it's helped him learn to regulate his body. He's always been very sensitive to noise and loud public places, and though that's improved with time and has never been incapacitating for him, I think it's all part of the same thing. Good luck - I know how frustrating it is as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're right to notice that your yelling and grabbing is not a good model. At home, I'd do more than just talk to him about not pushing. If he pushes or hits, immediately remove him from the room. Say no. Later, talk to him about positive ways to express frustration or anger. Be firm. Model ways to express anger and frustration.

Thank you. Often if he misbehaves with hitting and other physical behavior we do remove him from the situation first, put him in his room for a minute or two, and then talk about how we don't hit people and people we love, etc. He knows to say sorry for having done those things, and this morning he seemed to know this morning that he did something wrong, as he was looking down and wouldn't really look at me at first.

But yes I think part of the issue is we are not consistent - sometimes we are totally calm and parent-of-the-year, and other times we can't control our own frustrations. Lack of quality sleep, especially for me, doesn't help because naturally when I'm exhausted my fuse is shorter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a parent of a 3 year old "bully" also. It's very difficult, as we do everything we can to prevent it - talking about and enforcing consequences, building empathy, etc. It has improved as he has gotten older (started about 2.75, he is now nearly 4 and we've seen improvement).

I do believe that my son has sensory issues. It's not an excuse, but we do have him in OT for his tendency to get "over-physical" with other kids. I do think OT can be sort of a catch-all but it's helped him learn to regulate his body. He's always been very sensitive to noise and loud public places, and though that's improved with time and has never been incapacitating for him, I think it's all part of the same thing. Good luck - I know how frustrating it is as a parent.

Thank you, good to feel like there are other people with the same issues. It's interesting you mention sensory issues because he has recently seemed very sensitive to noises - hearing any little noise and asking what's that? And being scared of some of the noises.

May I ask how you work on building empathy? He shows it at times, like if he sees me visibly upset about something he'll occasionally say "what's wrong" or he'll give me a hug, and if his baby sister is crying he'll sometimes go to her and pat her head and tell her it's okay, don't worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a parent of a 3 year old "bully" also. It's very difficult, as we do everything we can to prevent it - talking about and enforcing consequences, building empathy, etc. It has improved as he has gotten older (started about 2.75, he is now nearly 4 and we've seen improvement).

I do believe that my son has sensory issues. It's not an excuse, but we do have him in OT for his tendency to get "over-physical" with other kids. I do think OT can be sort of a catch-all but it's helped him learn to regulate his body. He's always been very sensitive to noise and loud public places, and though that's improved with time and has never been incapacitating for him, I think it's all part of the same thing. Good luck - I know how frustrating it is as a parent.

Thank you, good to feel like there are other people with the same issues. It's interesting you mention sensory issues because he has recently seemed very sensitive to noises - hearing any little noise and asking what's that? And being scared of some of the noises.

May I ask how you work on building empathy? He shows it at times, like if he sees me visibly upset about something he'll occasionally say "what's wrong" or he'll give me a hug, and if his baby sister is crying he'll sometimes go to her and pat her head and tell her it's okay, don't worry.

The sensory thing has been going on for quite some time. He had to leave the room at his 2nd birthday party because the singer scared him. He hates fairs, plays, amusement parks, etc - he is super outgoing and exuberant when in his comfort zone, but when he's out of it he gets scared. When he started pushing and hitting at preschool, we did an evaluation and it all sort of came together - he has a strong need to feel comfortable and safe, and if he doesn't feel that way within his body (on swings, in sensory situations, etc) he acts out physically. A lot of what they call "heavy work" - carrying things, helping lift, jumping on trampolines, etc - has helped him significantly and the issues have improved. He will ALWAYS ask 'what's that' and look around warily if he hears an unfamiliar sound.

He is VERY empathetic - so we talk to him a lot about how he'd feel if he were pushed/hit, how he'd feel if someone did that to his baby brother or his mommy or daddy, how he wants his friends to keep wanting to play with him, etc.

[Anonymous]

If it were my kid, I'd ask the teachers to be diligent with time outs immediately upon any aggression and I'd give them catch blanche to remove any privileges they think are appropriate - like sitting out of circle time. I'd also want to know sooner rather than later, so I'd ask that I get a call if there's more than one incident in a given day.

If it's just typical three year old behavior, then your kid will give it up the pushing behavior quickly as long as discipline is consistent and he's getting what he needs in terms of sleep, food, and attention/affection. If it doesn't improve despite those things, then I'd revisit the issue and consider something more serious may be going on. Probably not, based on what you shared, so just take the next two weeks to work on turning this around.

[Anonymous]

They aren't a bulky at 3. They are acting inappropriately at 3.

Does the teacher know "why" he's doing it? Wants a toy? Had a toy taken away? Something else? They need to look at the root cause. If it's anger or frustration, he needs to be taught how to handle that better. And it could take awhile. It sounds like you guys react a bit in anger and frustration, so it is understandable (although not acceptable) that your son does too. I'm not trying to be mean. I have dealt with this myself and as I taught my son better ways to manage anger, I learned better ways myself.

I'd find out if there is a trigger at school. And how the school will approach it.

At home, I'd get some picture books on how to treat friends and manage anger. And I'd work on keeping calm yourself. I found 1,2,3 Magic very helpful in that it gave "me" a chance to cool down before giving consequences.

There is a series of picture books called Learning to Get Along, and my son really liked those. Some titles
Talk and Work it Out
Share and Take Turns
Know and Follow Rules
Cool Down and Work Through Anger
Words are Not for Hurting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were my kid, I'd ask the teachers to be diligent with time outs immediately upon any aggression and I'd give them catch blanche to remove any privileges they think are appropriate - like sitting out of circle time. I'd also want to know sooner rather than later, so I'd ask that I get a call if there's more than one incident in a given day.

If it's just typical three year old behavior, then your kid will give it up the pushing behavior quickly as long as discipline is consistent and he's getting what he needs in terms of sleep, food, and attention/affection. If it doesn't improve despite those things, then I'd revisit the issue and consider something more serious may be going on. Probably not, based on what you shared, so just take the next two weeks to work on turning this around.

Thank you, very good advice.


To the group -- I find the only way I can enforce a time out at home is to put him in his room and stand there holding the bedroom door closed for a bit. If I put him against a wall or corner or on a small area rug, he just leaves that spot. I can stand there and try to block him from leaving, but end up holding him still there, which seems to be ineffective and apparently may be contributing to this issue he's having at school.

Do you think time out in his room is okay (there are things to play with in there, and he never seems to take the time out seriously - smiling and laughing that he's out instead of being more aware that he's done something wrong to earn a time out), or is there a better way to force time outs elsewhere in the house that I don't know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They aren't a bulky at 3. They are acting inappropriately at 3.

Does the teacher know "why" he's doing it? Wants a toy? Had a toy taken away? Something else? They need to look at the root cause. If it's anger or frustration, he needs to be taught how to handle that better. And it could take awhile. It sounds like you guys react a bit in anger and frustration, so it is understandable (although not acceptable) that your son does too. I'm not trying to be mean. I have dealt with this myself and as I taught my son better ways to manage anger, I learned better ways myself.

I'd find out if there is a trigger at school. And how the school will approach it.

At home, I'd get some picture books on how to treat friends and manage anger. And I'd work on keeping calm yourself. I found 1,2,3 Magic very helpful in that it gave "me" a chance to cool down before giving consequences.

There is a series of picture books called Learning to Get Along, and my son really liked those. Some titles
Talk and Work it Out
Share and Take Turns
Know and Follow Rules
Cool Down and Work Through Anger
Words are Not for Hurting

Thanks, I appreciate it. You are definitely not being mean, I absolutely think he is mirroring some of our own behaviors and it's sad and shameful. I will be getting some of those books, thanks!

[Anonymous]

Besides talking to him about not bullying, make sure he is getting enough sleep. How do you feel after several nights of sleeping? Probably more prone to be cranky and annoyed. It's the same with kids. It's good that you're taking it seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Besides talking to him about not bullying, make sure he is getting enough sleep. How do you feel after several nights of sleeping? Probably more prone to be cranky and annoyed. It's the same with kids. It's good that you're taking it seriously.

Thank you, good point. Honestly I do think that he hasn't been sleeping consistently well in recent weeks, and that that is part of the problem. He wakes often in the night, 2-3 times, sometimes one of those being getting up at 5 or 530 in the morning for the day. When he wakes during the night he says he is scared of things like sounds and shadows.

He takes solid naps, 1.5-2 hours at school and 2-2.5 hours at home on weekends, so I wonder if that's affecting his nighttime sleep quality? Maybe it's time to drop his naps...

[Anonymous]

No advice but you sound like a good mom who is very responsive to this. Stay with it and I am sure it will resolve.