Teacher just told me my son has been bullying

[Anonymous]

Time outs never worked for mine. I do not consider a three year old a bully. Do not over react, do not label or diagnose the kid. He is three and trying to figure it all out. He may not have the verbal skills or processing to help him ask for what he wants. It is normal with three year olds. It is a hard age. Four is much better. He may also need a more structured classroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time outs never worked for mine. I do not consider a three year old a bully. Do not over react, do not label or diagnose the kid. He is three and trying to figure it all out. He may not have the verbal skills or processing to help him ask for what he wants. It is normal with three year olds. It is a hard age. Four is much better. He may also need a more structured classroom.

+ 1


I would be very concerned if a preschool teacher is labeling 3 year old a bully and in front of others as well. This to me speaks of a lack of professionalism and knowledge.

You have been given good advice within this post,op.

Don't be too hard on yourself ,OP.
This can be worked through successfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a series of picture books called Learning to Get Along, and my son really liked those. Some titles
Talk and Work it Out
Share and Take Turns
Know and Follow Rules
Cool Down and Work Through Anger
Words are Not for Hurting

+1

The PP's list are by Cheri Meiners and Elizabeth Verdick. Also check out Julia Cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice but you sound like a good mom who is very responsive to this. Stay with it and I am sure it will resolve.

Thank you, that means a lot, I am trying!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time outs never worked for mine. I do not consider a three year old a bully. Do not over react, do not label or diagnose the kid. He is three and trying to figure it all out. He may not have the verbal skills or processing to help him ask for what he wants. It is normal with three year olds. It is a hard age. Four is much better. He may also need a more structured classroom.

Thank you, I will definitely keep that in mind. He is not as verbal as some of his peers yes, so I suspect he does have a tough time expressing himself that way, and he has when he was younger, too.

Good point about the structured classroom. I think we will start with some more structure and conversations at home and try to go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were my kid, I'd ask the teachers to be diligent with time outs immediately upon any aggression and I'd give them catch blanche to remove any privileges they think are appropriate - like sitting out of circle time. I'd also want to know sooner rather than later, so I'd ask that I get a call if there's more than one incident in a given day.

If it's just typical three year old behavior, then your kid will give it up the pushing behavior quickly as long as discipline is consistent and he's getting what he needs in terms of sleep, food, and attention/affection. If it doesn't improve despite those things, then I'd revisit the issue and consider something more serious may be going on. Probably not, based on what you shared, so just take the next two weeks to work on turning this around.

Thank you, very good advice.


To the group -- I find the only way I can enforce a time out at home is to put him in his room and stand there holding the bedroom door closed for a bit. If I put him against a wall or corner or on a small area rug, he just leaves that spot. I can stand there and try to block him from leaving, but end up holding him still there, which seems to be ineffective and apparently may be contributing to this issue he's having at school.

Do you think time out in his room is okay (there are things to play with in there, and he never seems to take the time out seriously - smiling and laughing that he's out instead of being more aware that he's done something wrong to earn a time out), or is there a better way to force time outs elsewhere in the house that I don't know?

NP here. I wouldn't say we have quite the same issues with our DD but she definitely has a dominant personality and can be aggressive with her friends so I'm watching it. On the timeout front, things do sound quite similar. Our usual timeout spot is on the stairs. She usually will not stay on them and immediately gets up when we put her there. Instead of replacing her 30+ times supernanny style, which increases our level of frustration and can lead us to be too physical with her, we simply ignore her as soon as she gets up and tell her, over and over, nothing else happens until you go do your timeout. I will also follow her around and remove any toys or books tht she picks up (though usually it's her that follows us around, begging for attention). Anything she says gets answered in the same way: you need to go do your timeout, then I will talk to you. It might not work for every kid, but it does for ours because what she really wants is attention. Eventually she goes back voluntarily and sits on the step.

For more egregious violations, mostly hitting, I pick her up and carry her to her room. Stomping up the stairs holding 30 lbs of toddler helps get my frustration out, and she knows it's a bigger deal. I sit her down in her room, close the door, and leave. She typically will immediately follow me back downstairs, at which point we commence ignoring until she's done her timeout. Sometimes she'll stay upstairs and play with the toys in her room, but often her desire for attention overrides that too.

Anyway, just some suggestions for avoiding a power struggle over timeouts. It doesn't work perfectly for us but it's the best we've hit on so far. DD will be three in a couple months.

[Anonymous]

Hon, he's not a bully. Three year olds lack empathy, impulse control, and social skills. He's learning, and you are helping him learn. Throw away shame and help him do better next week.

[Anonymous]

And a center that would label him a bully is not the right fit.

[Anonymous]

Re: teaching empathy, one of the things I did often when DS was that age (and still do sometimes although he's a little older now) was to point out people when we were out and about (not literally point) and just ask him, "How do you think he/she feels?" If it was a child who was crying, he'd say "sad" and I'd ask what could have made the child feel sad? And we'd talk about different things that could have happened. I'd point out all different people - kids, adults, happy, sad, angry. Gave us a chance to discuss real life examples of people and their feelings whilenot in the heat of a problem with DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: teaching empathy, one of the things I did often when DS was that age (and still do sometimes although he's a little older now) was to point out people when we were out and about (not literally point) and just ask him, "How do you think he/she feels?" If it was a child who was crying, he'd say "sad" and I'd ask what could have made the child feel sad? And we'd talk about different things that could have happened. I'd point out all different people - kids, adults, happy, sad, angry. Gave us a chance to discuss real life examples of people and their feelings whilenot in the heat of a problem with DS.

Also, if you do TV, Ni Hao Kai Lan is actually pretty good for these kinds of lessons.

[Anonymous]

my son was bullied (and I say- the kid was not a bully - but he singled mine out, got his friend to exclude him, said loudly he didn't like him and didn't like his hair, hit and pulled his hair) in pk3 by a boy who had sensory issues that manifested itself as boundary issues. The other kids knew not to get too close lest they get hit, but my son adored this kid and his little sidekick and just followed them around getting mistreated. When my son finally found another friend, the kid moved his aggression on to his sidekick other random kids. The parents were lovely - he was just perhaps too young to be in school. Not every 3 or 4 year old is old enough for school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were my kid, I'd ask the teachers to be diligent with time outs immediately upon any aggression and I'd give them catch blanche to remove any privileges they think are appropriate - like sitting out of circle time. I'd also want to know sooner rather than later, so I'd ask that I get a call if there's more than one incident in a given day.

If it's just typical three year old behavior, then your kid will give it up the pushing behavior quickly as long as discipline is consistent and he's getting what he needs in terms of sleep, food, and attention/affection. If it doesn't improve despite those things, then I'd revisit the issue and consider something more serious may be going on. Probably not, based on what you shared, so just take the next two weeks to work on turning this around.

Thank you, very good advice.


To the group -- I find the only way I can enforce a time out at home is to put him in his room and stand there holding the bedroom door closed for a bit. If I put him against a wall or corner or on a small area rug, he just leaves that spot. I can stand there and try to block him from leaving, but end up holding him still there, which seems to be ineffective and apparently may be contributing to this issue he's having at school.

Do you think time out in his room is okay (there are things to play with in there, and he never seems to take the time out seriously - smiling and laughing that he's out instead of being more aware that he's done something wrong to earn a time out), or is there a better way to force time outs elsewhere in the house that I don't know?

NP here. I wouldn't say we have quite the same issues with our DD but she definitely has a dominant personality and can be aggressive with her friends so I'm watching it. On the timeout front, things do sound quite similar. Our usual timeout spot is on the stairs. She usually will not stay on them and immediately gets up when we put her there. Instead of replacing her 30+ times supernanny style, which increases our level of frustration and can lead us to be too physical with her, we simply ignore her as soon as she gets up and tell her, over and over, nothing else happens until you go do your timeout. I will also follow her around and remove any toys or books tht she picks up (though usually it's her that follows us around, begging for attention). Anything she says gets answered in the same way: you need to go do your timeout, then I will talk to you. It might not work for every kid, but it does for ours because what she really wants is attention. Eventually she goes back voluntarily and sits on the step.

For more egregious violations, mostly hitting, I pick her up and carry her to her room. Stomping up the stairs holding 30 lbs of toddler helps get my frustration out, and she knows it's a bigger deal. I sit her down in her room, close the door, and leave. She typically will immediately follow me back downstairs, at which point we commence ignoring until she's done her timeout. Sometimes she'll stay upstairs and play with the toys in her room, but often her desire for attention overrides that too.

Anyway, just some suggestions for avoiding a power struggle over timeouts. It doesn't work perfectly for us but it's the best we've hit on so far. DD will be three in a couple months.

Thank you so much, that is extremely helpful. I think we will give that a shot when it's time for timeout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: teaching empathy, one of the things I did often when DS was that age (and still do sometimes although he's a little older now) was to point out people when we were out and about (not literally point) and just ask him, "How do you think he/she feels?" If it was a child who was crying, he'd say "sad" and I'd ask what could have made the child feel sad? And we'd talk about different things that could have happened. I'd point out all different people - kids, adults, happy, sad, angry. Gave us a chance to discuss real life examples of people and their feelings whilenot in the heat of a problem with DS.

This is great, thank you. He really likes to talk about things he sees and hears, so we will do more of this. He does recognize facial expressions from books etc, so we will take it the next step and ask what actions could cause those feelings. Great exercise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a parent of a 3 year old "bully" also. It's very difficult, as we do everything we can to prevent it - talking about and enforcing consequences, building empathy, etc. It has improved as he has gotten older (started about 2.75, he is now nearly 4 and we've seen improvement).

I do believe that my son has sensory issues. It's not an excuse, but we do have him in OT for his tendency to get "over-physical" with other kids. I do think OT can be sort of a catch-all but it's helped him learn to regulate his body. He's always been very sensitive to noise and loud public places, and though that's improved with time and has never been incapacitating for him, I think it's all part of the same thing. Good luck - I know how frustrating it is as a parent.

Thank you, good to feel like there are other people with the same issues. It's interesting you mention sensory issues because he has recently seemed very sensitive to noises - hearing any little noise and asking what's that? And being scared of some of the noises.

May I ask how you work on building empathy? He shows it at times, like if he sees me visibly upset about something he'll occasionally say "what's wrong" or he'll give me a hug, and if his baby sister is crying he'll sometimes go to her and pat her head and tell her it's okay, don't worry.

The sensory thing has been going on for quite some time. He had to leave the room at his 2nd birthday party because the singer scared him. He hates fairs, plays, amusement parks, etc - he is super outgoing and exuberant when in his comfort zone, but when he's out of it he gets scared. When he started pushing and hitting at preschool, we did an evaluation and it all sort of came together - he has a strong need to feel comfortable and safe, and if he doesn't feel that way within his body (on swings, in sensory situations, etc) he acts out physically. A lot of what they call "heavy work" - carrying things, helping lift, jumping on trampolines, etc - has helped him significantly and the issues have improved. He will ALWAYS ask 'what's that' and look around warily if he hears an unfamiliar sound.

He is VERY empathetic - so we talk to him a lot about how he'd feel if he were pushed/hit, how he'd feel if someone did that to his baby brother or his mommy or daddy, how he wants his friends to keep wanting to play with him, etc.

This pp again - I should add that the school never labeled my 3 year old a bully. I do think that's inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

OP here again, to the PPs talking about bully labeling and whether the school is the right fit - I don't necessarily disagree. I will be giving it more time, he has only been there a month or so, and seeing if there are any other issues.

The teacher is quite sweet, and she seems to be my son's favorite. Specifically she did say he was "bullying" rather than saying that he was "a bully", and I do believe there is a difference there. I won't keep dwelling on the label itself but the behaviors, which are inappropriate regardless of the label.

Thanks to all of you for sound advice, I appreciate it.