Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are kidding yourself by trying to be happy *for* somebody when you are not happy yourself. It doesn't work that way. This is what adversity does to you. It leaves you alone. You should congratulate your more fortunate relatives and be done with them. From now on your lives will move in completely different directions, and your relationship will never be the same. (Unless you conceive and give birth shortly after you SIL.)

What horrific advice.

It was not meant to be advice. This is what will happen this way or another. Infertility is sad and lonely business, especially at the age when friends and relatives have babies.

OP, it's awful, and you have my sympathy. But there is no way to sugar-coat reality. Since IUIs don't seem to work, have you considered IVF?

Of course it's advice. You're suggesting that she cut off people very close to her because they are in a situation that she herself is not? So should widows not be friends with people who have husbands? Should people whose parents die young not befriend people who have parents? What a strange strange thpught process.

[Anonymous]

OP, I went through this over 13 years ago. It was hard seeing my friends and relatives having babies and I was suffering through infertility. Looking back now, all I can say is you are going to have to deal with it and not bring attention to your problems. They know you are having trouble conceiving but that is not their problem and life goes on. You will become a parent some day either successfully through IUI or IVF or adoption. We went the adoption route and adopted a set of twins. We could not be more blessed. The worst thing you want is pity so put on your game face, smile and think positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are kidding yourself by trying to be happy *for* somebody when you are not happy yourself. It doesn't work that way. This is what adversity does to you. It leaves you alone. You should congratulate your more fortunate relatives and be done with them. From now on your lives will move in completely different directions, and your relationship will never be the same. (Unless you conceive and give birth shortly after you SIL.)

What horrific advice.

It was not meant to be advice. This is what will happen this way or another. Infertility is sad and lonely business, especially at the age when friends and relatives have babies.

OP, it's awful, and you have my sympathy. But there is no way to sugar-coat reality. Since IUIs don't seem to work, have you considered IVF?

Of course it's advice. You're suggesting that she cut off people very close to her because they are in a situation that she herself is not? So should widows not be friends with people who have husbands? Should people whose parents die young not befriend people who have parents? What a strange strange thpught process.

Well, for what it's worth, it's rare that singles are close with couples. People want to be at ease with those around them. OP should be prepared for people to pull away some. Because having to deal with her in her unfortunate situation is trying even for those with the best intentions. It is what it is, I guess. People hate the proverbial elephants in the room, like it or not.

[Anonymous]

don't burn that bridge, there are quite a few people who end up not conceiving and being close uncles and aunts.

[Anonymous]

You say this:
I also wanted to give you a card to open in private. We really appreciated how you told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for you. We just wish so badly that we were right there with you and could raise our children together. I want you to know that you do not need you two to tiptoe around the subject, but I guess I should say, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, It's just that I need some time to myself.
We are so happy for you, we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say this:
I also wanted to give you a card to open in private. We really appreciated how you told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for you. We just wish so badly that we were right there with you and could raise our children together. I want you to know that you do not need you two to tiptoe around the subject, but I guess I should say, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, It's just that I need some time to myself.
We are so happy for you, we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle.

Don't say this. It sounds so pitiful. Just hold your head up and keep it moving...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say this:
I also wanted to give you a card to open in private. We really appreciated how you told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for you. We just wish so badly that we were right there with you and could raise our children together. I want you to know that you do not need you two to tiptoe around the subject, but I guess I should say, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, It's just that I need some time to myself.
We are so happy for you, we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle.

Don't say this. Look, they obviously get it because they told you in a way which you had voiced you wanted to find out. So they will get it if you excuse yourself when people are gushing over baby things. They will understand if you don't appear thrilled. The more you draw attention to the fact that you're happy for them, the more it comes across as overcompensating and they will start to think maybe you really aren't ok and maybe they should back away. If you really want to say something, keep it simple. "I just wanted to thank you guys again with how you told us. It meant a lot." And then later talk about being excited about being an uncle and aunt. Don't combine the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No here. The auntie and uncle onsies are a bit much and the fact that your note was directed more at your experience as an aunt and uncle is where you come off as self centered.

I was in your shoes op and I didn't try to control how my friends or families did anything. They didn't have to announce things in advance or change the way they dealt with their excitement. My feelings are my responsibility. I just didn't have any ill will at friends and family members who got pregnant before I did. Their fertility was in no way related to my infertility.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are kidding yourself by trying to be happy *for* somebody when you are not happy yourself. It doesn't work that way. This is what adversity does to you. It leaves you alone. You should congratulate your more fortunate relatives and be done with them. From now on your lives will move in completely different directions, and your relationship will never be the same. (Unless you conceive and give birth shortly after you SIL.)

Excuse me, but not everyone is like this. What you describe sounds like major depression that needs to be treated by a mental health professional. I have struggled with secondary infertility and have been able to be truly happy for many of my friends who've gone on to have their second children. Just because I can't doesn't mean I can't be happy for them.

Secondary infertility isn't remotely the same as primary infertility. I'm sure it sucks, but you aren't childless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are kidding yourself by trying to be happy *for* somebody when you are not happy yourself. It doesn't work that way. This is what adversity does to you. It leaves you alone. You should congratulate your more fortunate relatives and be done with them. From now on your lives will move in completely different directions, and your relationship will never be the same. (Unless you conceive and give birth shortly after you SIL.)

What horrific advice.

It was not meant to be advice. This is what will happen this way or another. Infertility is sad and lonely business, especially at the age when friends and relatives have babies.

OP, it's awful, and you have my sympathy. But there is no way to sugar-coat reality. Since IUIs don't seem to work, have you considered IVF?

Of course it's advice. You're suggesting that she cut off people very close to her because they are in a situation that she herself is not? So should widows not be friends with people who have husbands? Should people whose parents die young not befriend people who have parents? What a strange strange thpught process.

Well, for what it's worth, it's rare that singles are close with couples. People want to be at ease with those around them. OP should be prepared for people to pull away some. Because having to deal with her in her unfortunate situation is trying even for those with the best intentions. It is what it is, I guess. People hate the proverbial elephants in the room, like it or not.

I don't think it was advice, I think it was just kind thinking out loud. An afterthought. A true one most often, sadly. It's not what anyone wants but where these types of relationships naturally go. All of my girlfriends got pregnant and successfully had their babies and we just ran out of things to talk about when I was dealing with recurrent miscarriage. I didn't push them away by any stretch but you start to lose things in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kindest thing you can do is just be excited for them. It will be hard. There might be times you are overcome with jealousy and longing and sadness. That's normal. However, doing your best to deal with any negative emotions on your own time and showing nothing but a happy, supportive face to your BIL/SIL will go a LONG way towards family harmony.

I'm sorry it's been so hard for you OP. Infertility is a grief like no other. I was there for a long time too. Hang in there and good luck.

No. Murder of a family member and suicide of a 16 yr old is a grief like no other.

One person's tragedy doesn't preclude someone else's. Everything is relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say this:
I also wanted to give you a card to open in private. We really appreciated how you told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for you. We just wish so badly that we were right there with you and could raise our children together. I want you to know that you do not need you two to tiptoe around the subject, but I guess I should say, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, It's just that I need some time to myself.
We are so happy for you, we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle.

Don't say this. Look, they obviously get it because they told you in a way which you had voiced you wanted to find out. So they will get it if you excuse yourself when people are gushing over baby things. They will understand if you don't appear thrilled. The more you draw attention to the fact that you're happy for them, the more it comes across as overcompensating and they will start to think maybe you really aren't ok and maybe they should back away. If you really want to say something, keep it simple. "I just wanted to thank you guys again with how you told us. It meant a lot." And then later talk about being excited about being an uncle and aunt. Don't combine the two.

OP, this.
They know . You told us that you told them about a prior experience . Your SIL couldn't look at you . They know OP, and may I say you are very lucky to have kind and considerate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say this:
I also wanted to give you a card to open in private. We really appreciated how you told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for you. We just wish so badly that we were right there with you and could raise our children together. I want you to know that you do not need you two to tiptoe around the subject, but I guess I should say, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, It's just that I need some time to myself.
We are so happy for you, we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle.

Don't say this. Look, they obviously get it because they told you in a way which you had voiced you wanted to find out. So they will get it if you excuse yourself when people are gushing over baby things. They will understand if you don't appear thrilled. The more you draw attention to the fact that you're happy for them, the more it comes across as overcompensating and they will start to think maybe you really aren't ok and maybe they should back away. If you really want to say something, keep it simple. "I just wanted to thank you guys again with how you told us. It meant a lot." And then later talk about being excited about being an uncle and aunt. Don't combine the two.

OP, this.
They know . You told us that you told them about a prior experience . Your SIL couldn't look at you . They know OP, and may I say you are very lucky to have kind and considerate family.

What a bitchy thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say this:
I also wanted to give you a card to open in private. We really appreciated how you told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for you. We just wish so badly that we were right there with you and could raise our children together. I want you to know that you do not need you two to tiptoe around the subject, but I guess I should say, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, It's just that I need some time to myself.
We are so happy for you, we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle.

Don't say this. Look, they obviously get it because they told you in a way which you had voiced you wanted to find out. So they will get it if you excuse yourself when people are gushing over baby things. They will understand if you don't appear thrilled. The more you draw attention to the fact that you're happy for them, the more it comes across as overcompensating and they will start to think maybe you really aren't ok and maybe they should back away. If you really want to say something, keep it simple. "I just wanted to thank you guys again with how you told us. It meant a lot." And then later talk about being excited about being an uncle and aunt. Don't combine the two.

OP, this.
They know . You told us that you told them about a prior experience . Your SIL couldn't look at you . They know OP, and may I say you are very lucky to have kind and considerate family.

What a bitchy thing to say.

Not PP, but how in the world is that bitchy?!? She's right, she is lucky. I had a "friend" become the equivalent of a bridezilla when she was pregnant. She knew full well that another friend was going through some pretty difficult fertility issues and yet every time we were together, she was either talking about her pregnancy and future child or trying to get the conversation back on her. It was awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say this:
I also wanted to give you a card to open in private. We really appreciated how you told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for you. We just wish so badly that we were right there with you and could raise our children together. I want you to know that you do not need you two to tiptoe around the subject, but I guess I should say, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, It's just that I need some time to myself.
We are so happy for you, we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle.

Don't say this. Look, they obviously get it because they told you in a way which you had voiced you wanted to find out. So they will get it if you excuse yourself when people are gushing over baby things. They will understand if you don't appear thrilled. The more you draw attention to the fact that you're happy for them, the more it comes across as overcompensating and they will start to think maybe you really aren't ok and maybe they should back away. If you really want to say something, keep it simple. "I just wanted to thank you guys again with how you told us. It meant a lot." And then later talk about being excited about being an uncle and aunt. Don't combine the two.

OP, this.
They know . You told us that you told them about a prior experience . Your SIL couldn't look at you . They know OP, and may I say you are very lucky to have kind and considerate family.

What a bitchy thing to say.

Not PP, but how in the world is that bitchy?!? She's right, she is lucky. I had a "friend" become the equivalent of a bridezilla when she was pregnant. She knew full well that another friend was going through some pretty difficult fertility issues and yet every time we were together, she was either talking about her pregnancy and future child or trying to get the conversation back on her. It was awful.

That's just how I took it. I could see it being sincere but the prior words made me think definitely bitchy. Like a "You're lucky to have me" type deal.