Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility

[Anonymous]

I would be honest with them. It's ok for you to feel sadness and it's ok for them to feel joy. They have their journey and you have yours. I would probably just say what you mentioned in your post in person and not on a card.

It does sound like you are asking for them to tiptoe around you while at the same time asking that they don't tiptoe around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to say anything other than congrats and how happy you are for them, I'd keep it to "thank you for telling us privately. It meant a lot."

The fact that they already know you were upset at a friend's pregnancy announcement and thus felt the need to give you a special heads up is probably the extent of how much they can, and should, be trying to take care of you during their pregnancy. I'd let the topic go and just focus on conveying your excitement.

+1 I think this is exactly right. Onesies are lovely, and an informal thank you (I agree with another PP who suggested email or face to face rather than card) for their thoughtfulness in telling you in private is also lovely. Leave it there. If you want to talk about it more as their pregnancy progresses and you are trying to cope, confide in an unrelated friend or speak to a therapist.

Your kindness speaks volumes - you are obviously concerned about the feelings of others and that is sometimes rare in our world. Hope things work out for you soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just give the onesies and a card that says your exited about being an aunt. I wouldn't use it as an opportunity to pour your heart out about your conflicted emotions.

+1, from another infertile

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you just can't pick up the phone and have a quick conversation about it. why make it this big production with a long winded card about you, etc. This is SIL's moment to shine, you will have your time in the spotlight too. But verbal conversations are so much better than written. Just call her.

signed a person who had to go through 6 rounds of IVF to get my 2 kids, so I've been there, I get it, but just call her.

[Anonymous]

The kindest thing you can do is just be excited for them. It will be hard. There might be times you are overcome with jealousy and longing and sadness. That's normal. However, doing your best to deal with any negative emotions on your own time and showing nothing but a happy, supportive face to your BIL/SIL will go a LONG way towards family harmony.

I'm sorry it's been so hard for you OP. Infertility is a grief like no other. I was there for a long time too. Hang in there and good luck.

[Anonymous]

You congratulate them and be happy for them. Everything is not about you and your infertility. Stop being so selfish and try being happy for good things that happen to other people. Changing your attitude night even help you conceive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kindest thing you can do is just be excited for them. It will be hard. There might be times you are overcome with jealousy and longing and sadness. That's normal. However, doing your best to deal with any negative emotions on your own time and showing nothing but a happy, supportive face to your BIL/SIL will go a LONG way towards family harmony.

I'm sorry it's been so hard for you OP. Infertility is a grief like no other. I was there for a long time too. Hang in there and good luck.

No. Murder of a family member and suicide of a 16 yr old is a grief like no other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You congratulate them and be happy for them. Everything is not about you and your infertility. Stop being so selfish and try being happy for good things that happen to other people. Changing your attitude night even help you conceive.

Are you always this ignorant? You can disagree with OP, but your last statement is just stupidity beyond the pale.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are kidding yourself by trying to be happy *for* somebody when you are not happy yourself. It doesn't work that way. This is what adversity does to you. It leaves you alone. You should congratulate your more fortunate relatives and be done with them. From now on your lives will move in completely different directions, and your relationship will never be the same. (Unless you conceive and give birth shortly after you SIL.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kindest thing you can do is just be excited for them. It will be hard. There might be times you are overcome with jealousy and longing and sadness. That's normal. However, doing your best to deal with any negative emotions on your own time and showing nothing but a happy, supportive face to your BIL/SIL will go a LONG way towards family harmony.

I'm sorry it's been so hard for you OP. Infertility is a grief like no other. I was there for a long time too. Hang in there and good luck.

No. Murder of a family member and suicide of a 16 yr old is a grief like no other.

Well that went downhill quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are kidding yourself by trying to be happy *for* somebody when you are not happy yourself. It doesn't work that way. This is what adversity does to you. It leaves you alone. You should congratulate your more fortunate relatives and be done with them. From now on your lives will move in completely different directions, and your relationship will never be the same. (Unless you conceive and give birth shortly after you SIL.)

Excuse me, but not everyone is like this. What you describe sounds like major depression that needs to be treated by a mental health professional. I have struggled with secondary infertility and have been able to be truly happy for many of my friends who've gone on to have their second children. Just because I can't doesn't mean I can't be happy for them.

[Anonymous]

Don't mention your own struggles in the note. You all sound like good people, and it sounds like they're already struggling with dealing with the situation in the face of what you're going through. Just give them the gifts, say congratulations and you're so excited for them and then just continue to move forward with the situation. There's no need to say you wont be raising children together – you don't know that! Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are kidding yourself by trying to be happy *for* somebody when you are not happy yourself. It doesn't work that way. This is what adversity does to you. It leaves you alone. You should congratulate your more fortunate relatives and be done with them. From now on your lives will move in completely different directions, and your relationship will never be the same. (Unless you conceive and give birth shortly after you SIL.)

What horrific advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are kidding yourself by trying to be happy *for* somebody when you are not happy yourself. It doesn't work that way. This is what adversity does to you. It leaves you alone. You should congratulate your more fortunate relatives and be done with them. From now on your lives will move in completely different directions, and your relationship will never be the same. (Unless you conceive and give birth shortly after you SIL.)

What horrific advice.

It was not meant to be advice. This is what will happen this way or another. Infertility is sad and lonely business, especially at the age when friends and relatives have babies.

OP, it's awful, and you have my sympathy. But there is no way to sugar-coat reality. Since IUIs don't seem to work, have you considered IVF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Congratulations, we are so thrilled for you both! As you know, we've had our own struggles, but we're beyond excited to be aunt and uncle so please continue to share any baby news with us."

This is perfect. OP- dont make it awkward. Say the above and then leave it be. Goodluck in the future on getting pregnant and try not to get too down