Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
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Anonymous
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Hi everyone. I wanted to get some advice about what to say to my BIL and SIL who my DH and I recently found out were expecting.
Here is a little back story.... DH and I have been trying to conceive for a little over 2 years and are in the process of our 4th IUI. BIL and SIL know our struggles and were really concerned and sweet during our whole process. They would ask how we were and check in often. During different discussions, I had told SIL how I had a friend who announced her pregnancy in the middle of a party when she knew we were struggling snd how much it broke my heart to have to put on a brave face during the party when I was so shocked and hurt (and of course jealous that I wasn't right there with her, pregnant also). I had mentioned how I wish she could have sent me a quick email or told me in private so I could react in my own way prior to the public announcement. I don't do too well with surprises and I feel slightly anxious when I am crying, or feel like I'm going to break down and cry in public. So BIL and SIL told us about 2 months ago that they "pulled the goalie" and would begin trying. Earlier this week, we went to dinner with them, and they respected my wishes and told us in private, which I really appreciated. It still hurt to hear, but I was so grateful I was able to cry on the way home and get out my sadness for myself in this situation. They of course had no problem getting pregnant, which also hurts, but I really am so happy for their future bundle of joy and to be an aunt. I know I didn't react like a normal friend when they told us. I smiled and said congratulations, but was unable to ask too many details, for fear of bursting into tears and hurting their feelings, or making it awkward. My question is, what do I do now? With Christmas coming up, I have picked out cute onesies that say "my uncle is the best" and "auntie loves me" to give to them on Christmas. I also want to give them a card to open in private that would say something to the effect of how happy we are for them, and how we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle. Also that we really appreciated how they told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for them, we just wish so badly that we were right there with them and could raise our children together. I also want them to know that I don't want them to tiptoe around the subject, but at the same time, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, I dont want them to be offended and think I'm being rude or simply jealous (of course I am jealous, but I would never want to take this away from them, or wish infertility on them because I know how it feels to try month after month) Any advice on how to say this without making them feel like I'm angry, or being petty would be very helpful. Am I thinking too much into this? My BIL was the one who told us, and my SIL could barely look at me. That also broke my heart, because I'm sure she felt terrible telling us during this hard time that they are expexting, and I don't want our infertility to take away from their joy. Thanks so much for your input 
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Anonymous
| Look, its hard, but their pregnancy is not about you. This is their moment. Leave the gifts to only the onsies. You dont need a card where you turn it around and make it about you. Good luck |
Anonymous
| I dont see how giving a card makes it about me... |
Anonymous
Actually, I disagree. The note sounds incredibly heartfelt and kind. I've never dealt with infertility but I am guessing that it takes OP a whole lot of strength and maturity to express her feelings and her needs and to make her happiness for them bigger than her sadness for herself and DH. |
Anonymous
| Your note sounds fine to me. You are a nice person, OP. I hope you get your BFP soon! |
Anonymous
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Be honest. Tell them you are happy and want to be joyous for them but you are human and a little jealous. But that you also know this moment isn't about you. Just tell them both that if you ever seen a little off or a little weird that you beg their forgiveness in advance. That you don't want them to temper their joy and happiness around you and the family but please understand if you sometimes quietly excuse yourself to have a moment.
And mean it. Live it. And do it. |
Anonymous
| Thanks so much for the kind words and input all, it's very helpful! |
Anonymous
| I would just give the onesies and a card that says your exited about being an aunt. I wouldn't use it as an opportunity to pour your heart out about your conflicted emotions. |
Anonymous
OP is trying her best to put on a "brave face." IMO, she is NOT making it about herself. OP, hang in there! I say this as a single mid-40-s woman who adopted the most wonderful baby girl just 13 months ago....after TTC via ART for 5 years. I understand because I know the pain of wanting a child so badly, and feeling like you have so little control. Just know that when it does happen for you, it will be that much more special Also,know that you are waiting for the baby you were meant to have. Not to be glass half-full for your SIL, but she still has quite a while to go in her pregnancy, just take it day-by-day....she still has a lot of hurdles to get through (despite the positive BFP.) Finally, I think it is great that you are pro-active about explaining YOUR needs to your SIL. Yet, you ALSO seem like you are genuinely happy for your SIL, and expressing that to her, as well. Good luck, and please keep us posted. |
Anonymous
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No here. The auntie and uncle onsies are a bit much and the fact that your note was directed more at your experience as an aunt and uncle is where you come off as self centered.
I was in your shoes op and I didn't try to control how my friends or families did anything. They didn't have to announce things in advance or change the way they dealt with their excitement. My feelings are my responsibility. I just didn't have any ill will at friends and family members who got pregnant before I did. Their fertility was in no way related to my infertility. |
Anonymous
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I meant "np here" not "no here"
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Anonymous
| I think the onsies are a very sweet idea. I wouldn't include a note with them though. Perhaps you and your spouse could send them a short email congratulating them and thanking them for bring considerate in how they told you. You can highlight that if you ever come off as jealous, it's because of your stuggles, but that you are thrilled for them and can't wait to be an aunt and to meet their little one. Keep it short and sweet! They sound very kind and supportive, which is huge, so keep your communication honest but mostly positive. |
Anonymous
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If you want to say anything other than congrats and how happy you are for them, I'd keep it to "thank you for telling us privately. It meant a lot."
The fact that they already know you were upset at a friend's pregnancy announcement and thus felt the need to give you a special heads up is probably the extent of how much they can, and should, be trying to take care of you during their pregnancy. I'd let the topic go and just focus on conveying your excitement. |
Anonymous
I sort of agree with the PP who said you were making it about you. A card is fine, if you just say you're happy for them and can't wait to be an aunt and uncle. Anything more about your own struggles or appreciating how they told you is like TMI (or about you) and inappropriate for the purpose of the card. Everything you wanted to say is well and good, but putting that in the card doesn't make sense. If you can have a heart to heart later or burst out crying, so be it. You can explain yourself then, but, I feel like you are overthinking it and trying to smooth things over via the card which makes it more awkward than just saying congratulations and leaving it at that. I think they understand without you having to put it in words in a card. |
Anonymous
| "Congratulations, we are so thrilled for you both! As you know, we've had our own struggles, but we're beyond excited to be aunt and uncle so please continue to share any baby news with us." |