Affair question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

How did you and the other woman meet? What is her life like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

How did you and the other woman meet? What is her life like?

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

Oh well...you have the OW...though I would've worked to find out WHY DW checked out-a question you haven't answered.

Wonder how long you and AP would be happy in a household together before she checks out too.

Hey! I'll bet AP's DH says the same about her (she checked out). Makes me wonder if your DW found someone too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

Maybe she checked out because you were a lousy husband. If you were not, you are now. If you were a decent man, you would have left the ,a triage to date, not cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

You're also fooling yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

Oh well...you have the OW...though I would've worked to find out WHY DW checked out-a question you haven't answered.

Wonder how long you and AP would be happy in a household together before she checks out too.

Hey! I'll bet AP's DH says the same about her (she checked out). Makes me wonder if your DW found someone too.

Ultimately... One could say that his DW never checked out because she never loved him.. Maybe he just realized that his DW didn't love him.. So he thinks that she checked out.. But she can not check out if her love for him were never there...

[Cassiopeia]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

You're also fooling yourself.

Fooling himself how? I think after two years he knows if he's really happy.

His home life seems so dismal. I honestly don't understand how guys put up with that kind of situation for the sake of their kids. I mean, are you sure it's not at least partially because you still love your wife? Are you planning to leave when the kids are grown? To me that seems so much more destructive to everyone involved. I wonder how many guys who say they'll leave when the kids are grown actually do it.

[Anonymous]

Dirtyolsailor wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What caused her to check out?

The main issue is that I do not think that she really loved me or had real passion for me when we got married 20+ years ago. Our sexlife has been sad. She had never initiated. It has been 10 years since we had sex. She never shows any form of affection towards me. We have been roommates and coparents. She really checked out after the first child was born and then told me that she wanted another one. I saw the warning signs but I always thought that she would return to her normal self. It seems like her normal self is very close to being nonaffectionate towards me and asexual or she just does not love me.

I really enjoy sex but only when I am with someone that I really care about. My AP is amazing and together we are amazing. We are in our forties and feels like we are in our twenties... The last twenty years have been sexually dry for both of us.

Maybe she checked out because you were a lousy husband. If you were not, you are now. If you were a decent man, you would have left the ,a triage to date, not cheat.

Or maybe it's nearly impossible for two people to fully satisfy other's every sexual need, forever. Statistics back this up pretty well, and I did not say it never happens, Other cultures understand this and that's why they allow for discreet affairs. Our Puritan ancestors have condemned us to a devils choice of frustration or shame. And if you are a person with a low sex drive, the power behind these feelings is incomprehensible to you.

Based on what people write on this board... There are people with low sex drives that are fine with having sex one a month... And there are people that are more asexual that see no need for sex or any sign affection and might have sex once every so many years... Neither are normal based on social norms...

So what happens when you find someone and you wait to have sex until you are married.. After you get married, you find out that you new spouse is either asexual or has a low sex drive... Who's fault is that? They want to believe in the institution of marriage... So they stayed married with the hope that the other person will become "normal"... The low sex drive/asexual spouse gets interested in having children... And the coue starts having sex on a normal basis... The normal spouse starts to think wow... They are now normal... But then sex drops off after the baby is conceived... The normal spouse is then trapped because they don't want to leave their child. Who is the victim?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

You're also fooling yourself.

No he's not. I've been with my DH for 16 years and we have sex a few times a week and are very affectionate, I could absolutely see my DH carrying on with another woman if I sexually abandoned the marriage. I can't blame this guy for finding happiness outside the home, he does not need to martyr himself. If I were a man, I would not leave my kids either. The woman always get more visitation. His kids are probably the only happy thing in his home life.

[Anonymous]

Cassiopeia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

You're also fooling yourself.

Fooling himself how? I think after two years he knows if he's really happy.

His home life seems so dismal. I honestly don't understand how guys put up with that kind of situation for the sake of their kids. I mean, are you sure it's not at least partially because you still love your wife? Are you planning to leave when the kids are grown? To me that seems so much more destructive to everyone involved. I wonder how many guys who say they'll leave when the kids are grown actually do it.

He's fooling himself about the quality of the relationship. Even after two years, it's a relationship in secret, while they each carry on their mundane day-to-day lives separately. Sure, someone can be wonderful when you only see them to relax and have sex, without any of the real-life crap that comes with that. If they were to both end the marriages to be together, there's a good chance this relationship would end up just like his marriage, and then it would be all about how she did this and she withheld that and he's a victim, because he has zero self-awareness of his role in the state of his current marriage. Any relationship can be wonderful when you're only together for the good stuff.

[Cassiopeia]

Anonymous wrote:

Cassiopeia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

You're also fooling yourself.

Fooling himself how? I think after two years he knows if he's really happy.

His home life seems so dismal. I honestly don't understand how guys put up with that kind of situation for the sake of their kids. I mean, are you sure it's not at least partially because you still love your wife? Are you planning to leave when the kids are grown? To me that seems so much more destructive to everyone involved. I wonder how many guys who say they'll leave when the kids are grown actually do it.

He's fooling himself about the quality of the relationship. Even after two years, it's a relationship in secret, while they each carry on their mundane day-to-day lives separately. Sure, someone can be wonderful when you only see them to relax and have sex, without any of the real-life crap that comes with that. If they were to both end the marriages to be together, there's a good chance this relationship would end up just like his marriage, and then it would be all about how she did this and she withheld that and he's a victim, because he has zero self-awareness of his role in the state of his current marriage. Any relationship can be wonderful when you're only together for the good stuff.

I see your point, and I know statistically few second marriages survive (I think the divorce rate is like 70%??). He said he thinks she never loved him, so while there's always blame to go around in relationship problems, in this situation it seems like a basic incompatibility.

I also think that if two people are deeply in love, the real-life crap doesn't matter as much. Especially if those two people spent years with an avoidant spouse who never showed any affection at all, no hugs, no kissing, let alone sexual desire. I think two people coming out of marriages like that would hang on for dear life if given the chance to be together honestly.

To me there's being "in love" where you can't get enough of someone, you love their smell, their taste, you want to know everything about them. The feeling of clicking with someone, of being instantly comfortable. This is a feeling and it's either there or it isn't. And then there's long-term love, where it's a choice, you decide to love someone because you know they're a good person, you've judged them to have a good character, they check off the boxes. I think if after two years this guy is still in love with the OW that a marriage between them would survive.

[Anonymous]

Cassiopeia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Cassiopeia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We met via our daughters.. And she is also in a strange marriage.

Go onnnnnnnn

I would prefer not to go into detail... I feel very lucky to have had her in my life for the last 2+ years. I am a happier person.

You're also fooling yourself.

Fooling himself how? I think after two years he knows if he's really happy.

His home life seems so dismal. I honestly don't understand how guys put up with that kind of situation for the sake of their kids. I mean, are you sure it's not at least partially because you still love your wife? Are you planning to leave when the kids are grown? To me that seems so much more destructive to everyone involved. I wonder how many guys who say they'll leave when the kids are grown actually do it.

He's fooling himself about the quality of the relationship. Even after two years, it's a relationship in secret, while they each carry on their mundane day-to-day lives separately. Sure, someone can be wonderful when you only see them to relax and have sex, without any of the real-life crap that comes with that. If they were to both end the marriages to be together, there's a good chance this relationship would end up just like his marriage, and then it would be all about how she did this and she withheld that and he's a victim, because he has zero self-awareness of his role in the state of his current marriage. Any relationship can be wonderful when you're only together for the good stuff.

I see your point, and I know statistically few second marriages survive (I think the divorce rate is like 70%??). He said he thinks she never loved him, so while there's always blame to go around in relationship problems, in this situation it seems like a basic incompatibility.

I also think that if two people are deeply in love, the real-life crap doesn't matter as much. Especially if those two people spent years with an avoidant spouse who never showed any affection at all, no hugs, no kissing, let alone sexual desire. I think two people coming out of marriages like that would hang on for dear life if given the chance to be together honestly.

To me there's being "in love" where you can't get enough of someone, you love their smell, their taste, you want to know everything about them. The feeling of clicking with someone, of being instantly comfortable. This is a feeling and it's either there or it isn't. And then there's long-term love, where it's a choice, you decide to love someone because you know they're a good person, you've judged them to have a good character, they check off the boxes. I think if after two years this guy is still in love with the OW that a marriage between them would survive.

Thank you for the confidence. Keep in mind both my AP and myself are stuck in bad marriages. We have been careful to look at and treat each other with reality. We communicate and see each other several times during the week. We see each other's family life and have a better understanding of each other than most people involved in an affair would have.. We are very close friends that are involved in a relationship with each other.