Advice- DD now dating girl, other mom freaked out

[Anonymous]

I'm not clear on this -- are both these girls lesbians or are they just "experimenting"? Frankly I will be in the minority here and go with the other mom.

I realize that DCUM and the DC area is REALLY pro gay, but I can see why the other mom (i) doesn't want her gay daughter acting on her feelings; or (ii) doesn't want her potentially straight daughter experimenting with yours to and deciding she's gay.

I think the relationship is over no matter what anyone says, so I wouldn't waste your time with lunch. It's no different than a boy-girl relationship where one side says "sorry my kid is not allowed to date at 15 and bc I know you two want to date, he/she isn't hanging out with you." What do the typical teenage boy and girl do in that case? They basically see each other at school and/or at other events outside of school that are not in either home. Your DD and her "friend" can do the same. As for your DD losing one of her few friends -- I'm sorry but didn't she realize that the other girl has parents and if those parents don't approve, they will step in and make the friendship hard to continue? At 15 most boys get that if they ask a girl to date and her parents step in and say no, that's pretty much it. They can then find another girl or find guy friends to hang out with but a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship will be next to impossible. This can't be news to a teenager and particularly one who is considering being gay (yes I do think it's a choice to act on those feelings). Does she not realize that there are tons of people out there who WON'T support her? These are the things you should be talking to her about.

[Anonymous]

I had this happen to me as a 12-15 year old and I am still friends with my former-best-friend-turned-lover. We are both now married to men and have children. Nothing awful happened and I agree that it's a very safe place to have sexual experimentation at that age. And for those whobare shocked at sexual activity at this age, I think you might have your head in the sand in some cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not clear on this -- are both these girls lesbians or are they just "experimenting"? Frankly I will be in the minority here and go with the other mom.

I realize that DCUM and the DC area is REALLY pro gay, but I can see why the other mom (i) doesn't want her gay daughter acting on her feelings; or (ii) doesn't want her potentially straight daughter experimenting with yours to and deciding she's gay.

I think the relationship is over no matter what anyone says, so I wouldn't waste your time with lunch. It's no different than a boy-girl relationship where one side says "sorry my kid is not allowed to date at 15 and bc I know you two want to date, he/she isn't hanging out with you." What do the typical teenage boy and girl do in that case? They basically see each other at school and/or at other events outside of school that are not in either home. Your DD and her "friend" can do the same. As for your DD losing one of her few friends -- I'm sorry but didn't she realize that the other girl has parents and if those parents don't approve, they will step in and make the friendship hard to continue? At 15 most boys get that if they ask a girl to date and her parents step in and say no, that's pretty much it. They can then find another girl or find guy friends to hang out with but a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship will be next to impossible. This can't be news to a teenager and particularly one who is considering being gay (yes I do think it's a choice to act on those feelings). Does she not realize that there are tons of people out there who WON'T support her? These are the things you should be talking to her about.

If her daughter is, in fact, gay, experimenting with another girl isn't going to make her "decide" she is gay. When did you "decide" you were straight? I can understand the faulty logic here, but it is faulty. If the kid is gay, she's going to be in a same sex relationship at some point and the mother will have to deal.

[Anonymous]

If her daughter is, in fact, gay, experimenting with another girl isn't going to make her "decide" she is gay. When did you "decide" you were straight? I can understand the faulty logic here, but it is faulty. If the kid is gay, she's going to be in a same sex relationship at some point and the mother will have to deal.


+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good feedback which I appreciate. The mom is definitely opposed to the same sex relationship. She said she doesn't want her daughter to "burn in hell for eternity". It isn't that the girl can't date; it is that it is another girl. My concerns really are about my daughter losing her best friend. They have been friends for just one year. My DD doesn't make a lot of friends and I worry about what happens when/if the relationship goes south.

My DD also has not said she is gay, but said this "feels different" than any other crush. That isn't my concern, either. I'm not sure how to parent a relationship like this. I want to protect her feelings regardless of it being a boy or girl. But since it is her only real friend, I'm exponentially worried about her feelings.

I also understand that I can't change the mom's beliefs. My goal in talking to her is to salvage their friendship, allowing contact again, and reassuring her as to what the supervision will be if the daughter is allowed to come over. Ultimately it is the mom's decision and I will respect that. But, other than saying no sleepovers and no closed doors, I'm not prepared to treat this like a traditional boy/girl dating situation. She needs to hear that from me and make her decision based on what is best for her daughter.

I don't buy this. People really talk like this? OP, where do you live?

Ha ha about the relationship going South....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But both parties have said they are not lesbian.so maybe you should just tell the mother that. It's not a lesbian relationship period and she should reconsider a good friend relationship. And agree with other posters saying that there are people out there that doesn't approve same sex relationships and if she was thinking of ever going further being more than good friends in a sexual way, she will likely face poo persecution.

For me, I probably will not accept it either if my dd comes back to tell me that she intends to go out with another girl who is looking at being lesbian. The propensity I know is no different but she may not be mature enough to know the difference between sexual vs friend ship attraction and I would really like her to explore relationships in total before making a stand on the relationships to get into.

What do you mean by this? Do you think friends are sexually attracted to each other but not as strongly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


If her daughter is, in fact, gay, experimenting with another girl isn't going to make her "decide" she is gay. When did you "decide" you were straight? I can understand the faulty logic here, but it is faulty. If the kid is gay, she's going to be in a same sex relationship at some point and the mother will have to deal.

Right. Every bi-curious 15 year old is actually gay. Once she thinks about experimenting, her sexuality is fully defined and permanently fixed.

[Anonymous]

This too shall pass. Your daughter and her friend probably just want to look cool for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The other mom, however, texted my DD while we were talking and said her daughter will not be coming over to our house ever again and took away the phone and laptop. She told my daughter that they could be friends, but there would be no "dating" - her quotes.

OP, imagine if you havd a 15 year old boy who announced he and his good friend (a girl) were now dating. And the girlfriend's mom said the same thing:

"You guys can keep it just friends, but my daughter isn't allowed to date, and she can't go over to your house."

That sounds fair to me. The other girl isn't allowed to date, and she isn't allowed to be at the house of a person who she is romantically interested in (presumably because of lax supervision from you). The other mom didn't actually make this about being gay. Of course we all know that's why she's freaked out, but all she has said is "My daughter isn't allowed to date. She can spend time with you, but not at your house. It has to be at school, or in public somewhere."

I would respect that, and teach your children to respect that.

The other mom did take away the kid's phone - there's a little more to it.

[Anonymous]

You're a great mom, OP. I agree you should not contact the other mom. Just be there for your kid as it plays out. Warn her that the world is not always accepting of differences.

I hope she can at least expand her friendships a little in the meantime. What a tough time! 15 is a really tough age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If her daughter is, in fact, gay, experimenting with another girl isn't going to make her "decide" she is gay. When did you "decide" you were straight? I can understand the faulty logic here, but it is faulty. If the kid is gay, she's going to be in a same sex relationship at some point and the mother will have to deal.


+100

Even if being gay isn't a decision, acting on it is a decision.

Why should her mother have to deal esp with her being 15? When she's a grown woman, she can do what she wants, but why should her mother be ok with or advocate for a gay relationship? Should she simply do it to make OP and OP's DD happy? How is it this other family's problem that OP's daughter is so attached and will be devastated? Maybe she does in fact want to raise her kid with morals. Maybe she worries about the example that kid sets for younger kids in the house.

Again -- I'm not pro-gay, so I know YMMV and everyone here will disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good feedback which I appreciate. The mom is definitely opposed to the same sex relationship. She said she doesn't want her daughter to "burn in hell for eternity". It isn't that the girl can't date; it is that it is another girl. My concerns really are about my daughter losing her best friend. They have been friends for just one year. My DD doesn't make a lot of friends and I worry about what happens when/if the relationship goes south.

My DD also has not said she is gay, but said this "feels different" than any other crush. That isn't my concern, either. I'm not sure how to parent a relationship like this. I want to protect her feelings regardless of it being a boy or girl. But since it is her only real friend, I'm exponentially worried about her feelings.

I also understand that I can't change the mom's beliefs. My goal in talking to her is to salvage their friendship, allowing contact again, and reassuring her as to what the supervision will be if the daughter is allowed to come over. Ultimately it is the mom's decision and I will respect that. But, other than saying no sleepovers and no closed doors, I'm not prepared to treat this like a traditional boy/girl dating situation. She needs to hear that from me and make her decision based on what is best for her daughter.

There's something going on here that has nothing with the relationship and thats your worry over "what happens" because your DD doesn't make a lot of friends. I've been there with my DD and I get it. You are worried about depression, isolation and these are significant concerns. The answer isn't this relationship specifically, its relationships in general. You are trying to control things so your DD doesn't tank emotionally and you just can't do it. You can't let your fear of her isolation direct how you react to this and you can't get over involved in her friendships. What you can do is get her therapy so that she can learn these tools herself. You need a professional to step in so you can step out. The stakes feel very high for you and thats not a healthy situation for you and it reflects an unhealthy situation for her.

As to the particular relationship, I'm laughing at all the posters' hangups. All this fixation on whether or not she's "really" gay. Who cares? She's in a same-sex relationship right now. It isn't going to end just because the other crazy mom is trying her best to make it end. She can't turn off her daughter's feelings and she can't control her 24-7. This makes for a very combustible situation. The other girl will most likely push her mother away and act out in defiance. I can't blame her. This is why its important for you to keep lines of communication open with your own DD. You can't do this if you are over-invested in this relationship, if you are too worried about what "might happen" if they break up. So, again, therapy for your DD and maybe for you if your worry about her is too stressful. Tell her you support her and your home will be a haven for her and her friend (yes, if it were me I would defy the other mother but do so knowing it could cause future problems). And then just be there.

I wouldn't do lunch with her. No good will come of it, she won't listen. Stay back unless the other mom does something directly to your DD. You should have her back.

+1000 This is the real problem. Your daughter is on the verge of ruining a good friendship because of a likely "girl crush" that should never be consummated.

I am PP and you completely and totally misunderstand what i wrote. This is not just a girl crush, this is a relationship. Both girls told their parents at the same time. I don't know what you mean by "consummated" but there is nothing wrong with this relationship and OP should not try to stop.

What i was writing was about OP, not OP's DD. My concern was OP's worrying about her DD in general. Although you wrote +1000 I completely disagree with what you wrote.

[Anonymous]

There's a lot of paranoia on this thread. Many of these posters envision sexless 15 year-olds who have passing girl crushes and if they only refrain from acting on them they will grow up to heterosexual.

And then there's this crap about being "pro-gay," as if OP's DD's sexuality is some kind of political position. As if its something OP can or should control.

Fifteen year-olds are sexual beings. I happen to believe its too young for full sexual activity but I also think that 15 year-olds will begin to experiment, will have sexual longings and fantasies and all of this is normal and age appropriate.

This relationship will not define OP's DD's sexual orientation. What defines that is the range of her attraction and how she chooses to act over time. Its in her head and heart and not the result of a single relationship. She may be thinking "this feels right, I'm a lesbian," in which case respect that, she's a lesbian. Or she may be thinking "this feels right," with a period on the end. In which case, thats all she's feeling.

But don't dismiss it as a girl crush. Thats just insulting. She's in a relationship, its real and its happening. Obviously what happens next is complex. But really many of you need to get a clue before your own children reach this age because if this is your attitude you will not have the kind of open communication OP has with her DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of paranoia on this thread. Many of these posters envision sexless 15 year-olds who have passing girl crushes and if they only refrain from acting on them they will grow up to heterosexual.

And then there's this crap about being "pro-gay," as if OP's DD's sexuality is some kind of political position. As if its something OP can or should control.

Fifteen year-olds are sexual beings. I happen to believe its too young for full sexual activity but I also think that 15 year-olds will begin to experiment, will have sexual longings and fantasies and all of this is normal and age appropriate.

This relationship will not define OP's DD's sexual orientation. What defines that is the range of her attraction and how she chooses to act over time. Its in her head and heart and not the result of a single relationship. She may be thinking "this feels right, I'm a lesbian," in which case respect that, she's a lesbian. Or she may be thinking "this feels right," with a period on the end. In which case, thats all she's feeling.

But don't dismiss it as a girl crush. Thats just insulting. She's in a relationship, its real and its happening. Obviously what happens next is complex. But really many of you need to get a clue before your own children reach this age because if this is your attitude you will not have the kind of open communication OP has with her DD.

Hmm, I thought the responses were pretty low key and even handed. I didn't read any paranoia or negativity toward being gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good feedback which I appreciate. The mom is definitely opposed to the same sex relationship. She said she doesn't want her daughter to "burn in hell for eternity". It isn't that the girl can't date; it is that it is another girl. My concerns really are about my daughter losing her best friend. They have been friends for just one year. My DD doesn't make a lot of friends and I worry about what happens when/if the relationship goes south.

My DD also has not said she is gay, but said this "feels different" than any other crush. That isn't my concern, either. I'm not sure how to parent a relationship like this. I want to protect her feelings regardless of it being a boy or girl. But since it is her only real friend, I'm exponentially worried about her feelings.

I also understand that I can't change the mom's beliefs. My goal in talking to her is to salvage their friendship, allowing contact again, and reassuring her as to what the supervision will be if the daughter is allowed to come over. Ultimately it is the mom's decision and I will respect that. But, other than saying no sleepovers and no closed doors, I'm not prepared to treat this like a traditional boy/girl dating situation. She needs to hear that from me and make her decision based on what is best for her daughter.

There's something going on here that has nothing with the relationship and thats your worry over "what happens" because your DD doesn't make a lot of friends. I've been there with my DD and I get it. You are worried about depression, isolation and these are significant concerns. The answer isn't this relationship specifically, its relationships in general. You are trying to control things so your DD doesn't tank emotionally and you just can't do it. You can't let your fear of her isolation direct how you react to this and you can't get over involved in her friendships. What you can do is get her therapy so that she can learn these tools herself. You need a professional to step in so you can step out. The stakes feel very high for you and thats not a healthy situation for you and it reflects an unhealthy situation for her.

As to the particular relationship, I'm laughing at all the posters' hangups. All this fixation on whether or not she's "really" gay. Who cares? She's in a same-sex relationship right now. It isn't going to end just because the other crazy mom is trying her best to make it end. She can't turn off her daughter's feelings and she can't control her 24-7. This makes for a very combustible situation. The other girl will most likely push her mother away and act out in defiance. I can't blame her. This is why its important for you to keep lines of communication open with your own DD. You can't do this if you are over-invested in this relationship, if you are too worried about what "might happen" if they break up. So, again, therapy for your DD and maybe for you if your worry about her is too stressful. Tell her you support her and your home will be a haven for her and her friend (yes, if it were me I would defy the other mother but do so knowing it could cause future problems). And then just be there.

I wouldn't do lunch with her. No good will come of it, she won't listen. Stay back unless the other mom does something directly to your DD. You should have her back.

+1000 This is the real problem. Your daughter is on the verge of ruining a good friendship because of a likely "girl crush" that should never be consummated.

I am PP and you completely and totally misunderstand what i wrote. This is not just a girl crush, this is a relationship. Both girls told their parents at the same time. I don't know what you mean by "consummated" but there is nothing wrong with this relationship and OP should not try to stop.

What i was writing was about OP, not OP's DD. My concern was OP's worrying about her DD in general. Although you wrote +1000 I completely disagree with what you wrote.

Nope, you are wrong. I did not misunderstand what you wrote.

I reiterate that the problem seems to be that the OP's daughter is likely trying to consummate a "girl crush" which her daughter probably assumes to be a lesbian relationship. And more importantly, if the other girl views it as "strictly sexual experimentation only," and not a lesbian relationship, then the OP's daughter could be ruining a good friendship.

I did not agree with every thing you wrote; only with your suggestion that the OP should focus on getting therapy for her daughter in light of potential problems with "depression and isolation" due to not having a lot of friends. So, you misunderstand.