Advice- DD now dating girl, other mom freaked out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call me old-fashioned, but I am not prepared to allow my bi-curious young daughter to act on her urgings. In the words of Andrew Dice Clay, you either suck d--- or you don't suck d----.

Ah yes, dating advice from Andrew Dice Clay, how lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call me old-fashioned, but I am not prepared to allow my bi-curious young daughter to act on her urgings. In the words of Andrew Dice Clay, you either suck d--- or you don't suck d----.

I don't old-fashioned is what I'd call you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good feedback which I appreciate. The mom is definitely opposed to the same sex relationship. She said she doesn't want her daughter to "burn in hell for eternity". It isn't that the girl can't date; it is that it is another girl. My concerns really are about my daughter losing her best friend. They have been friends for just one year. My DD doesn't make a lot of friends and I worry about what happens when/if the relationship goes south.

My DD also has not said she is gay, but said this "feels different" than any other crush. That isn't my concern, either. I'm not sure how to parent a relationship like this. I want to protect her feelings regardless of it being a boy or girl. But since it is her only real friend, I'm exponentially worried about her feelings.

I also understand that I can't change the mom's beliefs. My goal in talking to her is to salvage their friendship, allowing contact again, and reassuring her as to what the supervision will be if the daughter is allowed to come over. Ultimately it is the mom's decision and I will respect that. But, other than saying no sleepovers and no closed doors, I'm not prepared to treat this like a traditional boy/girl dating situation. She needs to hear that from me and make her decision based on what is best for her daughter.

I don't buy this. People really talk like this? OP, where do you live?

Ha ha about the relationship going South....

I agree, I call bullshit on that comment too.

Really? I know DCUM is very liberal but this comment doesn't seem far fetched to me. We are not pro gay, and although I may not use that language to describe why I am morally opposed, I do know a number of people who would.

[Anonymous]

I commend you for being open to the idea your child may be gay. (I say "may" be gay, because there is a spectrum of sexuality and it is more acceptable in some circles for teens to experiment). There is such a high risk for depression and even suicide among kids who's families don't accept homosexuality so better to let your DD know you hope she will make healthy choices regardless of who she dates when she is older. That said, I would be freaked out-boy or girl. I know kids pair off and date even earlier than that. I would just need to sit down and find out how DD defines "dating" and talk about boundaries.

Now that you know the other mom is against it, I wouldn't frame it as anti-gap, but simply many parents don't want their children getting physically intimate until they have the maturity to deal with the ups and downs of romantic relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I commend you for being open to the idea your child may be gay. (I say "may" be gay, because there is a spectrum of sexuality and it is more acceptable in some circles for teens to experiment). There is such a high risk for depression and even suicide among kids who's families don't accept homosexuality so better to let your DD know you hope she will make healthy choices regardless of who she dates when she is older. That said, I would be freaked out-boy or girl. I know kids pair off and date even earlier than that. I would just need to sit down and find out how DD defines "dating" and talk about boundaries.

Now that you know the other mom is against it, I wouldn't frame it as anti-gap, but simply many parents don't want their children getting physically intimate until they have the maturity to deal with the ups and downs of romantic relationships.

Oops I spoke too soon-it is the gay part. Sadly, I guess we have tot each our kids that some people don't accept gay relationships and once you are older (past 18) you both will have more control over your choices, but for now you need to respect this mom's wishes.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a good mom and I don't think that you're unhealthily involved/invested in this or that any of your reactions are unreasonable, including trying to communicate with the mother of your daughter's girlfriend, who I assume is not a total stranger anyway.

If I found myself in your situation, I would definitely have a serious conversation with my daughter about other people's prejudices. You know that Girlfriend is not allowed at your house, per her mom's prejudices, and the respectful thing to do is to insist that your daughter respect that.

It kind of breaks my heart to say that, because I remember when I was in high school and facing various issues in which the rules at my house were different than the rules at my friends' houses, my mom was a font of support for children who were not getting it at home. She was the one welcoming and validating young people questioning their sexuality or struggling with mental illness. She went out of her way to be respectful of people's parents, insisting that they call home if they came over without permission and volunteering to speak to the parents if the kids did not feel safe or comfortable doing that. If the parents insisted that the kids come home, my mom drove them herself. I loved that she took the time to be kind to my friends, especially since I know that it made my friends' parents trust her less as "a responsible adult."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your daughter said she is actually a lesbian? If I thought my daughter were truly gay, I would probably have the same attitude that you do. However, IMO this whole same sex "experimentation" among teens has gone too far. At 15, if I suspected that it was more experimental, I would definitely put my foot down. At 17, maybe not.

We also need to recognize that a lot of kids who just KNOW they are gay from an early age get lumped in or people tend to deny their sexuality for a long time because a lot of other teens are more sexually ambiguous. Some of the gay teens I have known have some resentment about this. Their issues are often ignored because others are "in a phase".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not clear on this -- are both these girls lesbians or are they just "experimenting"? Frankly I will be in the minority here and go with the other mom.

I realize that DCUM and the DC area is REALLY pro gay, but I can see why the other mom (i) doesn't want her gay daughter acting on her feelings; or (ii) doesn't want her potentially straight daughter experimenting with yours to and deciding she's gay.

I think the relationship is over no matter what anyone says, so I wouldn't waste your time with lunch. It's no different than a boy-girl relationship where one side says "sorry my kid is not allowed to date at 15 and bc I know you two want to date, he/she isn't hanging out with you." What do the typical teenage boy and girl do in that case? They basically see each other at school and/or at other events outside of school that are not in either home. Your DD and her "friend" can do the same. As for your DD losing one of her few friends -- I'm sorry but didn't she realize that the other girl has parents and if those parents don't approve, they will step in and make the friendship hard to continue? At 15 most boys get that if they ask a girl to date and her parents step in and say no, that's pretty much it. They can then find another girl or find guy friends to hang out with but a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship will be next to impossible. This can't be news to a teenager and particularly one who is considering being gay (yes I do think it's a choice to act on those feelings). Does she not realize that there are tons of people out there who WON'T support her? These are the things you should be talking to her about.

This is such a dumb concept. Being accepting of different couplings isn't "pro" anything its more "live and let live". I am pro-people, even ones who I find narrow minded, being able to have the same freedoms and rights. I don't find people who hurt others to be in that category, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Really? I know DCUM is very liberal but this comment doesn't seem far fetched to me. We are not pro gay, and although I may not use that language to describe why I am morally opposed, I do know a number of people who would.

Ok, before you post any more, could you please define "pro-gay" for me? Is it like being "pro-freckles" or "pro-curly hair," or are you just clarifying that you may be gay on an amateur level, but are not yet being gay for money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Really? I know DCUM is very liberal but this comment doesn't seem far fetched to me. We are not pro gay, and although I may not use that language to describe why I am morally opposed, I do know a number of people who would.

Ok, before you post any more, could you please define "pro-gay" for me? Is it like being "pro-freckles" or "pro-curly hair," or are you just clarifying that you may be gay on an amateur level, but are not yet being gay for money?

Nope. I won't. We don't see eye to eye on this and I don't really weigh in frequently on this type of issue whether on DCUM or in person, in church, at work, with friends or in my own household. I was just saying that people who use the aforementioned rhetoric exist, and therefore I don't think that the OP was making this up. I am in no way engaging in debate on the overall topic, which has many opinions already expressed by many people on all sides of the topic. I won't contribute anything you haven't heard and my mind won't change. I also don't aim to change yours, so let's disagree respectfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Really? I know DCUM is very liberal but this comment doesn't seem far fetched to me. We are not pro gay, and although I may not use that language to describe why I am morally opposed, I do know a number of people who would.

Ok, before you post any more, could you please define "pro-gay" for me? Is it like being "pro-freckles" or "pro-curly hair," or are you just clarifying that you may be gay on an amateur level, but are not yet being gay for money?

Nope. I won't. We don't see eye to eye on this and I don't really weigh in frequently on this type of issue whether on DCUM or in person, in church, at work, with friends or in my own household. I was just saying that people who use the aforementioned rhetoric exist, and therefore I don't think that the OP was making this up. I am in no way engaging in debate on the overall topic, which has many opinions already expressed by many people on all sides of the topic. I won't contribute anything you haven't heard and my mind won't change. I also don't aim to change yours, so let's disagree respectfully.

NP here. Well said!