Advice- DD now dating girl, other mom freaked out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they having sex?

None of your business.

Actually... If my 15 yo was having sex with her boyfriend it would not be okay... The fact the person she is dating is a girl does not change the situation. If they are "going together" and sucking face no biggie, but if they are having sex it is a big deal..l the the other moms seems less crazy.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the other mom doesn't want her DD dating yet. Most parents monitor a DC's dating relationships more than/differently than a BFF relationship. Sleep overs will stop. Spending time at eachothers houses alone may also stop. It also sounds like the mom is a little freaked out by the same-sex relationship.

I do think it was inappropriate of the mother to contact your DD. If anything she should have told her DD the rules and she could relay what her mother said or the mother should have talked to you.

I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The other mom, however, texted my DD while we were talking and said her daughter will not be coming over to our house ever again and took away the phone and laptop. She told my daughter that they could be friends, but there would be no "dating" - her quotes.

OP, imagine if you havd a 15 year old boy who announced he and his good friend (a girl) were now dating. And the girlfriend's mom said the same thing:

"You guys can keep it just friends, but my daughter isn't allowed to date, and she can't go over to your house."

That sounds fair to me. The other girl isn't allowed to date, and she isn't allowed to be at the house of a person who she is romantically interested in (presumably because of lax supervision from you). The other mom didn't actually make this about being gay. Of course we all know that's why she's freaked out, but all she has said is "My daughter isn't allowed to date. She can spend time with you, but not at your house. It has to be at school, or in public somewhere."

I would respect that, and teach your children to respect that.

[Anonymous]

But I also sense an "end" / brakes that has been placed on the friendship because of the words "took away her laptop or phone".

Unsure what transpired but I am suspecting the other girls' mother is not accepting a girl-girl relationship just yet and probably want her daughter to be with other friends just to be sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but you are an awesome mom.

I might see if you can talk to a counselor - just to get some ideas on how to set boundaries while still supporting your daughter and her GF, and also ideas on how to support your kid if the other mom is anti-same-sex relationship.s

[Anonymous]

OP, has your daughter said she is actually a lesbian? If I thought my daughter were truly gay, I would probably have the same attitude that you do. However, IMO this whole same sex "experimentation" among teens has gone too far. At 15, if I suspected that it was more experimental, I would definitely put my foot down. At 17, maybe not.

[Anonymous]

What I don't get is that the other mom texted your kid. How, exactly, is that OK? Do parents of teens get to text other kids now? What happens if the girls continue to see/date each other? Will the other mom keep texting your kid to leave her kid alone? Tell the other mom if she has anything more to say on the subject, to do so with you, face to face, and stop hiding behind text messages to a teenager.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Lots of good feedback which I appreciate. The mom is definitely opposed to the same sex relationship. She said she doesn't want her daughter to "burn in hell for eternity". It isn't that the girl can't date; it is that it is another girl. My concerns really are about my daughter losing her best friend. They have been friends for just one year. My DD doesn't make a lot of friends and I worry about what happens when/if the relationship goes south.

My DD also has not said she is gay, but said this "feels different" than any other crush. That isn't my concern, either. I'm not sure how to parent a relationship like this. I want to protect her feelings regardless of it being a boy or girl. But since it is her only real friend, I'm exponentially worried about her feelings.

I also understand that I can't change the mom's beliefs. My goal in talking to her is to salvage their friendship, allowing contact again, and reassuring her as to what the supervision will be if the daughter is allowed to come over. Ultimately it is the mom's decision and I will respect that. But, other than saying no sleepovers and no closed doors, I'm not prepared to treat this like a traditional boy/girl dating situation. She needs to hear that from me and make her decision based on what is best for her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Is your daughter attracted to boys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't have teens yet so what does "dating" mean for her? Could you ask her?

Plenty of youngsters experiment with same-sex relationships at that age. Dating a best friend is fraught with emotional fall-out, though. You should talk about that as well. There is still time to dial it down a bit.

I'd ask, too. I don't have teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good feedback which I appreciate. The mom is definitely opposed to the same sex relationship. She said she doesn't want her daughter to "burn in hell for eternity". It isn't that the girl can't date; it is that it is another girl. My concerns really are about my daughter losing her best friend. They have been friends for just one year. My DD doesn't make a lot of friends and I worry about what happens when/if the relationship goes south.

My DD also has not said she is gay, but said this "feels different" than any other crush. That isn't my concern, either. I'm not sure how to parent a relationship like this. I want to protect her feelings regardless of it being a boy or girl. But since it is her only real friend, I'm exponentially worried about her feelings.

I also understand that I can't change the mom's beliefs. My goal in talking to her is to salvage their friendship, allowing contact again, and reassuring her as to what the supervision will be if the daughter is allowed to come over. Ultimately it is the mom's decision and I will respect that. But, other than saying no sleepovers and no closed doors, I'm not prepared to treat this like a traditional boy/girl dating situation. She needs to hear that from me and make her decision based on what is best for her daughter.

I hate to say it but the friendship is already gone. Her mother is never going to let them hang out. You need to talk to your daughter about homophobes and help her process this. If the mom is gainst same sex relationships she is not going to be okay with it no matter what you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good feedback which I appreciate. The mom is definitely opposed to the same sex relationship. She said she doesn't want her daughter to "burn in hell for eternity". It isn't that the girl can't date; it is that it is another girl. My concerns really are about my daughter losing her best friend. They have been friends for just one year. My DD doesn't make a lot of friends and I worry about what happens when/if the relationship goes south.

My DD also has not said she is gay, but said this "feels different" than any other crush. That isn't my concern, either. I'm not sure how to parent a relationship like this. I want to protect her feelings regardless of it being a boy or girl. But since it is her only real friend, I'm exponentially worried about her feelings.

I also understand that I can't change the mom's beliefs. My goal in talking to her is to salvage their friendship, allowing contact again, and reassuring her as to what the supervision will be if the daughter is allowed to come over. Ultimately it is the mom's decision and I will respect that. But, other than saying no sleepovers and no closed doors, I'm not prepared to treat this like a traditional boy/girl dating situation. She needs to hear that from me and make her decision based on what is best for her daughter.

There's something going on here that has nothing with the relationship and thats your worry over "what happens" because your DD doesn't make a lot of friends. I've been there with my DD and I get it. You are worried about depression, isolation and these are significant concerns. The answer isn't this relationship specifically, its relationships in general. You are trying to control things so your DD doesn't tank emotionally and you just can't do it. You can't let your fear of her isolation direct how you react to this and you can't get over involved in her friendships. What you can do is get her therapy so that she can learn these tools herself. You need a professional to step in so you can step out. The stakes feel very high for you and thats not a healthy situation for you and it reflects an unhealthy situation for her.

As to the particular relationship, I'm laughing at all the posters' hangups. All this fixation on whether or not she's "really" gay. Who cares? She's in a same-sex relationship right now. It isn't going to end just because the other crazy mom is trying her best to make it end. She can't turn off her daughter's feelings and she can't control her 24-7. This makes for a very combustible situation. The other girl will most likely push her mother away and act out in defiance. I can't blame her. This is why its important for you to keep lines of communication open with your own DD. You can't do this if you are over-invested in this relationship, if you are too worried about what "might happen" if they break up. So, again, therapy for your DD and maybe for you if your worry about her is too stressful. Tell her you support her and your home will be a haven for her and her friend (yes, if it were me I would defy the other mother but do so knowing it could cause future problems). And then just be there.

I wouldn't do lunch with her. No good will come of it, she won't listen. Stay back unless the other mom does something directly to your DD. You should have her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your daughter said she is actually a lesbian? If I thought my daughter were truly gay, I would probably have the same attitude that you do. However, IMO this whole same sex "experimentation" among teens has gone too far. At 15, if I suspected that it was more experimental, I would definitely put my foot down. At 17, maybe not.

I don't understand this. It would be ok for your daughter to date another girl if you thought your daughter were truly gay, but it would not be ok for your daughter to date another girl if you thought your daughter were simply attracted to another girl? What do you mean by "truly gay"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good feedback which I appreciate. The mom is definitely opposed to the same sex relationship. She said she doesn't want her daughter to "burn in hell for eternity". It isn't that the girl can't date; it is that it is another girl. My concerns really are about my daughter losing her best friend. They have been friends for just one year. My DD doesn't make a lot of friends and I worry about what happens when/if the relationship goes south.

My DD also has not said she is gay, but said this "feels different" than any other crush. That isn't my concern, either. I'm not sure how to parent a relationship like this. I want to protect her feelings regardless of it being a boy or girl. But since it is her only real friend, I'm exponentially worried about her feelings.

I also understand that I can't change the mom's beliefs. My goal in talking to her is to salvage their friendship, allowing contact again, and reassuring her as to what the supervision will be if the daughter is allowed to come over. Ultimately it is the mom's decision and I will respect that. But, other than saying no sleepovers and no closed doors, I'm not prepared to treat this like a traditional boy/girl dating situation. She needs to hear that from me and make her decision based on what is best for her daughter.

There's something going on here that has nothing with the relationship and thats your worry over "what happens" because your DD doesn't make a lot of friends. I've been there with my DD and I get it. You are worried about depression, isolation and these are significant concerns. The answer isn't this relationship specifically, its relationships in general. You are trying to control things so your DD doesn't tank emotionally and you just can't do it. You can't let your fear of her isolation direct how you react to this and you can't get over involved in her friendships. What you can do is get her therapy so that she can learn these tools herself. You need a professional to step in so you can step out. The stakes feel very high for you and thats not a healthy situation for you and it reflects an unhealthy situation for her.

As to the particular relationship, I'm laughing at all the posters' hangups. All this fixation on whether or not she's "really" gay. Who cares? She's in a same-sex relationship right now. It isn't going to end just because the other crazy mom is trying her best to make it end. She can't turn off her daughter's feelings and she can't control her 24-7. This makes for a very combustible situation. The other girl will most likely push her mother away and act out in defiance. I can't blame her. This is why its important for you to keep lines of communication open with your own DD. You can't do this if you are over-invested in this relationship, if you are too worried about what "might happen" if they break up. So, again, therapy for your DD and maybe for you if your worry about her is too stressful. Tell her you support her and your home will be a haven for her and her friend (yes, if it were me I would defy the other mother but do so knowing it could cause future problems). And then just be there.

I wouldn't do lunch with her. No good will come of it, she won't listen. Stay back unless the other mom does something directly to your DD. You should have her back.

+1000 This is the real problem. Your daughter is on the verge of ruining a good friendship because of a likely "girl crush" that should never be consummated.

[Anonymous]

But both parties have said they are not lesbian.so maybe you should just tell the mother that. It's not a lesbian relationship period and she should reconsider a good friend relationship. And agree with other posters saying that there are people out there that doesn't approve same sex relationships and if she was thinking of ever going further being more than good friends in a sexual way, she will likely face poo persecution.

For me, I probably will not accept it either if my dd comes back to tell me that she intends to go out with another girl who is looking at being lesbian. The propensity I know is no different but she may not be mature enough to know the difference between sexual vs friend ship attraction and I would really like her to explore relationships in total before making a stand on the relationships to get into.