Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the sex was inherantly transactional (we have had timea where one of us was interested and the other said, I have to do XYZ" and we agreed to take on someone else's chore to make time for sex).

If you actually want to have sex, it's a very rare chore that can't wait an hour or 15 minutes or whatever kind of session you're in the mood for.

Did you even read OP's post? Quit being an unhelpful asshole.

I did read OP's post. You quit being an unhelpful asshole. OP shouldn't trade sex for chores. Full stop. Either you want to do it or you don't. Either choice is valid -- especially when you're really pregnant. Either way you don't do chores to "make time for sex." If you want the sex, the chore can wait. If you need to do the chore before you can have sex, probably you just don't want to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trading a blow job for cleaning? That's an unhealthy dynamic. Give blowjobs and have sex. Or don't. But don't make them transactional.

Totally agree. There's something fundamentally wrong with your marriage if it's come to this, no pun intended.

Healthy couples don't make deals like this. Support, cooperation and mutual agreements are the foundation of a healthy relationship. Without that, you ain't got much.

OP, it sounds like you need to get into therapy. You need a housekeeper, and your DH has to pay for one if he refuses to clean up the house. I see no reason for lowering your cleanliness standards (dog pee on the bathroom floor!), but if your DH won't help, you need outside help. Don't do it all yourself. That's a recipe for burnout.

You need a better relationship with your DH. You can't be expected to clean up for his family.

In this case, leave the mess. When the ILs arrive, tell them it's dirty because DH was supposed to do it, but he didn't. Say it with a straight face, no anger, just description.

And don't clean up anything, except maybe the dog pee, unless it's evaporated. Let the bathroom stink. If your DH is embarrassed enough, he'll clean it, or one of his family members will comment to him, and he'll feel embarrassed.

In any case, find some therapy so you can work out a more equal arrangement and don't make deals like sex for housekeeping! That's a really dysfunctional behavior.

[Anonymous]

Do not lower your standards-- dog pee on the floor is unacceptable. Don't clean it up, and insist that he go to counseling, or do whatever else you need to do so that he knows you are serious. Complicated situation with the baby being due, but he is completely out of line and you need to make it crystal clear that you will not tolerate this.

And definitely stop trading cleaning for sex! That just messes up the relationship, and you shouldn't have to give him anything for doing his share of the chores. He is a grown ass man, and cleaning up their living space is something that adults must do without being bribed or even reminded.

Dying to know what his excuse was!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not sure if I can take your post seriously. If your post is factual, I feel very sorry for you. I haven't seen anybody with such a low self-esteem in a long time.

Even apart from not cleaning up the house as promised, there are many problems:

1. He is sleeping in late while you, hugely pregnant, take the child to the daycare?! He should be taking care of everything now, you should just be eating, sleeping and maybe going to work.

2. You clean between taking the child to the daycare and going to work?! You should be on bed rest, not lifting a finger.

3. He expects sex from you, knowing that you are uncomfortable and due any minute?!

4. After work he goes to a store instead of coming home and cleaning up?!

Your husband is a selfish asshole. Why do you think you have to put up with this disrespecting behavior? Are you financially dependent on him? I would divorce him in a heartbeat. I know that this advice is given too lightly on DCUM, but I you will not be happy in this relationship.

Please get help, both for yourself (therapy, housecleaning) and for the children (grandma, nanny). Good luck! I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, please post an update!

[Anonymous]

I don't see that OP was "trading sex for cleaning." She told her DH that she was busy, and he found a way to accommodate both what needed to be done and sex. Then he didn't do what he said he would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see that OP was "trading sex for cleaning." She told her DH that she was busy, and he found a way to accommodate both what needed to be done and sex. Then he didn't do what he said he would do.

+1

He lied to her in order to get her to swap her priority for his. Not pretty. But not prostitution by a long shot. Just a guy who is willing to say anything to get laid and then completely doesn't care about either his own word or his wife's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trading a blow job for cleaning? That's an unhealthy dynamic. Give blowjobs and have sex. Or don't. But don't make them transactional.

This. I know how tempting it can seem to get something in return when sex feels like a chore, as it sometimes does, but for the sake of your marriage put on a happy face and pretend you are doing it for no other reason than because you want your husband so bad you can't keep your hands off. (When he's in a good post-coital mood it's perfectly fine to ask for a few chores, so long as there's no reference to the two things being connected in any way.)

And yes, of course, your DH sucks for leaving the house a mess, sex or not. Sit your pregnant ass on the couch and let him deal with it when he gets home.

[Anonymous]

After the kids came, do did the cleaning lady.

It is well worth the $. I'd forgo so many things to have someone else scrub the house clean.

Mine has been with us biweekly for 8 years. I just bumped her up to weekly.

Whenever I had guests come into town- I called her for a cleaning.

My happiest afternoons (and DHs) are the ones we open the door to a freshly cleaned house. She does bed linens too.

[Anonymous]

I am 36 week pregnant and can barely walk, let alone bend. My pregnancy is not a smooth one, but even with a normal pregnancy...come on!

If my DH did what yours did with cleaning I would be so upset...I would sprinkle the dog pee on his clothes or something and go to a hotel/friend house for the weekend. And then go on strike for all house duties. I am a bit crazy like that.

[Anonymous]

OP here, sorry for not coming back until now, we've been doing stuff with the in-law and stuff.

After I posted, I got up and started cleaning. When DH and DS came home, he got upset and asked me why I was cleaning and said that he said he was going to do it and I was making myself a "martyr" and trying to make him feel bad by doing it myself. I wasn't mean or anything, I just stated that his family were going to be here any time now, so when was he planning on doing it? (I left that morning at 8:30 for work, so he had until 11am that morning to do it, and he didn't). He said that if I was going to be such a bitch, he was just going to go downstairs and watch TV with DS and I should stay away from him. He apologized later last night, but really? It's impossible to criticize him even in the least without him getting totally defensive and saying I'm being a bitch. I am NOT a bitch, and I do not nag, and I try to be very nice and easy when I try to discuss things like this with him, but it just doesn't work. I'm so sick of this crap. At least the house was presentable. I really love my MIL and I really care about what she thinks of me, so I don't want her thinking I'm letting her grandson live in a pigsty.

And regarding the sex for chores thing, I do NOT demand anything from my husband for sex. This was a special incidence wherein I only had like 30 minutes before I had to leave for work, and I really wanted to get those cleaning things done before then because the in-laws were supposed to be there before I got home from work (luckily they were running late), so DH offered to make sure they were done. I can't think of another instance in our 12 year marriage when he's offered/I've asked him to do chores in order to free up time for us to have sex. Yes, normally chores can be put off for sex, but this time was different.

Anyway, I'm still pretty upset with him, but I've dropped it because I want to enjoy the time that his family is here.

Anyways, that being said, I really wish we could afford a house cleaner but there is just no way in heck we can. It's going to be really rough just paying the daycare cost for this unplanned baby#2, I'm actually pretty scared we are going to end up underwater because of that extra cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After the kids came, do did the cleaning lady.

It is well worth the $. I'd forgo so many things to have someone else scrub the house clean.

Mine has been with us biweekly for 8 years. I just bumped her up to weekly.

Whenever I had guests come into town- I called her for a cleaning.

My happiest afternoons (and DHs) are the ones we open the door to a freshly cleaned house. She does bed linens too.

OP here, out of curiosity, do you mind saying about how much she charges?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trading a blow job for cleaning? That's an unhealthy dynamic. Give blowjobs and have sex. Or don't. But don't make them transactional.

This. I know how tempting it can seem to get something in return when sex feels like a chore, as it sometimes does, but for the sake of your marriage put on a happy face and pretend you are doing it for no other reason than because you want your husband so bad you can't keep your hands off. (When he's in a good post-coital mood it's perfectly fine to ask for a few chores, so long as there's no reference to the two things being connected in any way.)

And yes, of course, your DH sucks for leaving the house a mess, sex or not. Sit your pregnant ass on the couch and let him deal with it when he gets home.

I do this all the time. I don't understand why so many people don't understand the special circumstances here. I NEVER say no to sex, even if I don't feel like it, am sick, etc. I've even had sex while being treated for a UTI, just to make sure I'm not denying his needs.

[Anonymous]

With a husband like this, cancel cable if you have to. A cleaning lady sounds like a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so fed up with my DH. He is generally very unhelpful around the house, even though I work much longer hours than him, but I try to just deal because I don't want to rip apart our family.

His family is coming to visit tonight (they live out of town). This morning, I dropped off DS to daycare a little early and came back to the house to clean before they get here and before I went in to work. For some reason he woke up early and woke up while I was cleaning. He said he was horny and wanted to have sex before I left for work. I told him that I was really uncomfortable (I'm pregnant and due next week, and constantly feel like my bladder is being squeezed in a vice) and I really wanted to clean up before his family got here tonight. He told me to write down everything that needed cleaned, and he would do it before he left for work, if I would give him a BJ and have sex. I did. I just got home from work and he did zero. What needed to be done was clean up the gross kitchen, get the dirty dishes out of the sink and counter and into the dishwasher, clean the guest bathroom, and clean up the puddle of urine on the floor that the dog apparently did while I was taking DS to daycare. For crap's sake, he didn't even clean up the freaking puddle of urine.

His family are due to be here shortly, and I am teetering between trying to get things cleaned up, and just keeping sitting here on the couch and saying F it.

He normally gets home before me, but today he texted to say he was taking DS out to a store after he picks him up from daycare, so he would be home late.

Should I just let it go and downgrade my standards of having a clean house in order to keep our family together? I resent him so much for crap like this, but I want to do what's best for DS and his soon to be sibling (which was not planned, I got PG with an IUD in).

Hire out.