disliking in-laws who aren't all that dislike-able

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks OP is just trying to find a way to let us know her inlaws actually suck (for example, by talking to the neighbors about personal issues) without getting any negative feedback on here at all? She is all
"I'm so terrible, I'm horrible" and everyone is like "oh you are so great to acknowledge your weaknesses". BARF.

OP just tell us the truth about your inlaws. it's dcum. If you want a 100 percent reasonable response where you don't get ripped a new a-hole tell it your therapist instead.

I'm the OP.

A therapist might be helpful but right now I don't have the time or the money. So, I was hoping that even if a couple people wanted to swing by for some new butt hole tearing (and thank you for that, who doesn't love some pre coffee flagellation), I'd get some good advice on HOW to focus on the good over the bad. If my plan was to tell DCUM that my inlaws were terrible, I would have shared some very different details. There are plenty of stories but that's not the point (and I know my MIL would be able to tell her friends plenty of true stories that make me look like a bitch too.)

And this thread has been helpful so far. Nice to know others struggle. Nice to hear some different suggestions. I don't want my DH to take over everything when they come but I like the idea of letting him listen to them ramble/rant on after too many drinks while I excuse myself rather than feeling I need to be the polite sounding board. And it does make me feel better to hear it has gotten better for others with older kids. I never loved having them (mostly because we used to all cram in very small apartments for visits) but did have some fun with them before our babies were born. They are still less than a year old and have some special needs that make me want to protect them from getting upset/disrupted more than I might otherwise...so hopefully with time I'll naturally ease up.

I'm not particularly proud of my self-awareness. I tend to be pretty good at identifying my weaknesses and seeing where I play a role in less than optimal relationship dynamics. But I'm pretty bad about figuring out how to make lasting changes to be better. So, I'm not certainly not congratulating myself for realizing that I can be a real PITA sometimes. But I do think *I* would be happier, in addition to making them and my DH happier, if there were ways to react less to the bad stuff and see the good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks OP is just trying to find a way to let us know her inlaws actually suck (for example, by talking to the neighbors about personal issues) without getting any negative feedback on here at all? She is all
"I'm so terrible, I'm horrible" and everyone is like "oh you are so great to acknowledge your weaknesses". BARF.

OP just tell us the truth about your inlaws. it's dcum. If you want a 100 percent reasonable response where you don't get ripped a new a-hole tell it your therapist instead.

I'm the OP.

A therapist might be helpful but right now I don't have the time or the money. So, I was hoping that even if a couple people wanted to swing by for some new butt hole tearing (and thank you for that, who doesn't love some pre coffee flagellation), I'd get some good advice on HOW to focus on the good over the bad. If my plan was to tell DCUM that my inlaws were terrible, I would have shared some very different details. There are plenty of stories but that's not the point (and I know my MIL would be able to tell her friends plenty of true stories that make me look like a bitch too.)

And this thread has been helpful so far. Nice to know others struggle. Nice to hear some different suggestions. I don't want my DH to take over everything when they come but I like the idea of letting him listen to them ramble/rant on after too many drinks while I excuse myself rather than feeling I need to be the polite sounding board. And it does make me feel better to hear it has gotten better for others with older kids. I never loved having them (mostly because we used to all cram in very small apartments for visits) but did have some fun with them before our babies were born. They are still less than a year old and have some special needs that make me want to protect them from getting upset/disrupted more than I might otherwise...so hopefully with time I'll naturally ease up.

I'm not particularly proud of my self-awareness. I tend to be pretty good at identifying my weaknesses and seeing where I play a role in less than optimal relationship dynamics. But I'm pretty bad about figuring out how to make lasting changes to be better. So, I'm not certainly not congratulating myself for realizing that I can be a real PITA sometimes. But I do think *I* would be happier, in addition to making them and my DH happier, if there were ways to react less to the bad stuff and see the good.

OP, I relate SO MUCH and feel so much guilt over my feelings. My inlaws are lovely people and my DH gets so excited for them to visit. They all enjoy hanging out together and there's no family friction, which is so nice. I'm the awful bitch because since we've had kids I get very annoyed when they're here. It's mostly for the reasons you mention and compounded by the fact that DH (who is usually a pretty equal partner) kicks back and leaves the cooking, cleaning, and kid stuff to me. I get resentful and come off as a PITA too, I'm' sure. My own mom complained constantly about my awesome grandparents and it's horrible to realize I have the potential to do the same thing, so that's motivation to change my attitude. I just remind myself it's only for a few days and I can undo whatever mess/chaos is left in their wake.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your kids are both under 1 then you're in the toughest time period right now. Things will get better as your kids sleep better and can skip or delay a nap without melting down, or when they're eating all kinds of food or whatever. They'll get easier and that will hopefully make you more relaxed.
Removing yourself from the situation when you're starting to get upset will definitely help. I am lucky to have a great relationship with my ILs but they started annoying me a bit since the kids came along. I spoke openly with my MIL about it, saying that I'm getting more particular and easily annoyed these days (just in general, not saying it had to do with them). She picked up on it right away and asked if there was anything they could do differently. I told her a few things (put your plates/bowls in the dishwasher instead of the sink, put the milk back in the fridge after cereal, put your bag in the guest room, help me keep x area clean because it helps me stay more sane, or whatever specific thing that's small but would make a difference to you). Not sure if you feel like you can say something like that to your ILs, it really helped me.
And then just deep breaths in the moments when they are bugging you most.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Why is this woman alone with your neighbors? Again, if you controlled the visit, your MIL would be with you and you would cut-her-off from this talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your kids are both under 1 then you're in the toughest time period right now. Things will get better as your kids sleep better and can skip or delay a nap without melting down, or when they're eating all kinds of food or whatever. They'll get easier and that will hopefully make you more relaxed.
Removing yourself from the situation when you're starting to get upset will definitely help. I am lucky to have a great relationship with my ILs but they started annoying me a bit since the kids came along. I spoke openly with my MIL about it, saying that I'm getting more particular and easily annoyed these days (just in general, not saying it had to do with them). She picked up on it right away and asked if there was anything they could do differently. I told her a few things (put your plates/bowls in the dishwasher instead of the sink, put the milk back in the fridge after cereal, put your bag in the guest room, help me keep x area clean because it helps me stay more sane, or whatever specific thing that's small but would make a difference to you). Not sure if you feel like you can say something like that to your ILs, it really helped me.
And then just deep breaths in the moments when they are bugging you most.
Good luck!

This is good to hear. Eating is a big issue. Both babies are under weight and get very easily distracted at bottle time. Or I get uncomfortable being watched like a hawk as I'm trying to coax an arching antsy baby to have just one more ounce. I am sure my anxiety about that issue alone is getting displaced onto them. Sometimes I do just pick up a baby and move to another room but then I feel badly because I know it comes off wrong.

I do think there is room for some conversation. And my DH helps tackle the really obvious things. And some of the things I'll just have to accept. They aren't going to stop drinking (not that they should but I do wish they'd stop drinking too much day in day out) so talking about it would just hurt feelings. But I can pick a few things to request and they might even appreciate feeling like they were doing things in a special way to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this woman alone with your neighbors? Again, if you controlled the visit, your MIL would be with you and you would cut-her-off from this talk.

I am trying to be less controlling I guess. I certainly can't run outside and throw myself between her and the neighborhood ladies throughout each visit, even if I wanted to!

[Anonymous]

I channel my nicest, kindest friend and say to myself "what would XX do".
When asked annoying, intrusive questions I say things like "oh, I'm sure those details will just bore you!" and turn the question back to them
I tell DH when I am at my breaking point, and he takes them out to dinner
I structure the week in a way that is as easy on me as possible (like have cleaners come the day after they leave). I don't force them to eat the things I eat - I'll stock the house with the foods they like so meal times aren't stressful
I go to bed early
I drink wine and tell myself "This too will pass"
I remind myself how awful I feel after they leave if I've been overly testy
I am not perfect, and they are still annoying, but these things have made me much, much nicer.

[Anonymous]

Think of them as DC's grandparents rather than your inlaws, recognize that not everyone has a chance to have a relationship with their grandparents and that this is a gift, and keep the evil thought in the back of your mind that you will outlive them, god willing.

[Anonymous]

OP, with an IL relationship like you described, the first year of parenthood is hard. And special needs twins? Extra hard. If the ILs no matter how well meaning translate to extra stress for you, don't beat yourself help.

A few tips:
--Let DH do most communication, photo sending, etc
--When they visit, go to bed an hour early.read or zone out.
--Be the one to run any necessary errands (oh, we are out of x ... Wouldn't it be nice to have some y)
--Or even go take a break: "I am so glad you are here. You can give DH a hand and have some one on one time with him in the kids so I can finally get a hair cut (or whatever). Oh, what a great thing you are here to help me do this."
--Unapologetically follow your child's routine, and proactively tell them what nap time and bed time tend to be before any visit to your home or theirs. Also give them a heads up of what they are or aren't eating, etc. Give them a chance to adjust expectations BEFORE you are in the moment.

Deep breaths. My MIL is only tolerable in small doses. She feels like she can live everybody else's lives better than they can. I do not open up to her about my life at all unless what I am saying is 100% positive. Learned that lesson the hard way. She is thoughtless and dismissive when it comes to other people's issues. She is also generous with time and creative gifts for our kid and doesn't complain (much) about how much time they get with us. She respects our feeding choices. She is good in many ways except one on one conversation, which I try to avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks OP is just trying to find a way to let us know her inlaws actually suck (for example, by talking to the neighbors about personal issues) without getting any negative feedback on here at all? She is all
"I'm so terrible, I'm horrible" and everyone is like "oh you are so great to acknowledge your weaknesses". BARF.

OP just tell us the truth about your inlaws. it's dcum. If you want a 100 percent reasonable response where you don't get ripped a new a-hole tell it your therapist instead.

I'm the OP.

A therapist might be helpful but right now I don't have the time or the money. So, I was hoping that even if a couple people wanted to swing by for some new butt hole tearing (and thank you for that, who doesn't love some pre coffee flagellation), I'd get some good advice on HOW to focus on the good over the bad. If my plan was to tell DCUM that my inlaws were terrible, I would have shared some very different details. There are plenty of stories but that's not the point (and I know my MIL would be able to tell her friends plenty of true stories that make me look like a bitch too.)

And this thread has been helpful so far. Nice to know others struggle. Nice to hear some different suggestions. I don't want my DH to take over everything when they come but I like the idea of letting him listen to them ramble/rant on after too many drinks while I excuse myself rather than feeling I need to be the polite sounding board. And it does make me feel better to hear it has gotten better for others with older kids. I never loved having them (mostly because we used to all cram in very small apartments for visits) but did have some fun with them before our babies were born. They are still less than a year old and have some special needs that make me want to protect them from getting upset/disrupted more than I might otherwise...so hopefully with time I'll naturally ease up.

I'm not particularly proud of my self-awareness. I tend to be pretty good at identifying my weaknesses and seeing where I play a role in less than optimal relationship dynamics. But I'm pretty bad about figuring out how to make lasting changes to be better. So, I'm not certainly not congratulating myself for realizing that I can be a real PITA sometimes. But I do think *I* would be happier, in addition to making them and my DH happier, if there were ways to react less to the bad stuff and see the good.

OP, I relate SO MUCH and feel so much guilt over my feelings. My inlaws are lovely people and my DH gets so excited for them to visit. They all enjoy hanging out together and there's no family friction, which is so nice. I'm the awful bitch because since we've had kids I get very annoyed when they're here. It's mostly for the reasons you mention and compounded by the fact that DH (who is usually a pretty equal partner) kicks back and leaves the cooking, cleaning, and kid stuff to me. I get resentful and come off as a PITA too, I'm' sure. My own mom complained constantly about my awesome grandparents and it's horrible to realize I have the potential to do the same thing, so that's motivation to change my attitude. I just remind myself it's only for a few days and I can undo whatever mess/chaos is left in their wake.

Have you told your DH straight up that you would like his parents more and be happier during their visits if he kept up his end of cooking and cleaning? Or if he did ALL cooking and cleaning when your parents come like you do for him? I would try that.

[Anonymous]

OP I totally feel for you!! My ILs are nuts. I tried to do the control thing and it honestly just stressed me our more. They are truly good people, but are very very very strange. So, since I never get a break from the kids, I let them have free reign over the house and kids. I prep the house and social topics before they get here. I lock my bedroom door, make sure all of the laundry is done, put all personal papers and calendars up in our room, I tell my husband what information stays between us, for stuff that she may already know and we don't want the neighbors to know I have DH tell them " topic X, I would like to stay between the family." they will listen to their son. I also tell them that my kids are allergic to over processed foods. If I don't she will practically give them plastic to chew on!

When they are here I leave. They totally understand that it's me taking a break. I will walk around the park, go to a movie, sit a Starbucks reading a book, get my nails done... whatever. My husband and I will go on date nights.

When they leave I bleach the house clean, detox, my kids eating habits and bedtime habits. It takes about 3 days to get back to normal. It gives me a break and them 100% time with the kids. I used to HATE them visiting, now I look forward to it. Since I was able to relax more, I was able to relax around them more and that helped our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need tips for focusing on the good in my inlaws instead of being driven crazy by the annoying things they say and do. They are NOT bad people. I know some here have real inlaw nightmares. They are nice to me and my kids and love their child (my spouse) very much. But when they visit, I am constantly on edge. And I'd like to both be nicer and also feel more relaxed. But when my house is turned upside down, my kids are cranky because their routine has been ignored and they are way over stimulated, and I'm tired because we have no quiet time the things I should ignore drive me nutty.

Anyone BTDT and somehow found a way to be the bigger person?

(PS, if a hotel was an option, we'd be doing great. But they wouldn't ever consider it and we can't really ask them to.)

I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news.

You sound like a real black hole, frankly. They are trying to reach out and connect on something, anything. Your child's health/habits, the news, anything. Do you have anything interesting to add to the conversation? Where is your patience/good humor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound like a "bigger person" situation, because it doesn't sound like they're doing anything wrong. It sounds like this is more about your own rigidity and need for control, which is something you have to work on in yourself.

OP, here. Yes, I think this is mostly right. I mean, they do things and have habits that are pretty objectively irritating BUT I think that's true for almost all of us (including me) and overall they are good people. I should be able to ignore my MIL telling our neighbors very personal details about my life (and my kids' lives) because she has to talk to everyone about everything etc. but I get red in the face when I hear her doing it or hear that she's done it.

Do you have suggestions for working on myself? I AM rigid. Probably a bit controlling too but I try and save it for things related to my kids that I actually think impact their well being and health. And I can act differently (i.e., let my MIL yap to neighbors and refrain from giving her an outright evil eye) but inside I simmer.

My relationship with my in-laws is very similar. They're actually quite lovely, go out of their way to help us (and me, specifically) quite frequently, and absolutely adore my husband and our kids. I also make it a priority to facilitate time with our kids, do nice things for them, etc. But our personalities just don't mesh and they drive me up the wall. Like yours, my MIL overshares all sorts of personal details, so we just don't share details about ourselves or our kids anymore. And if I have to hear my MIL talk in a sickly-sweet baby voice to my 4 yo just one more time.... "you just love coloring, don't you?" or "you helped with dinner, didn't you?" or "you sang the whole song, didn't you?" UGH. I just walk away. I really believe it's good for kids to have different experiences with different adults, to realize everyone has their own ways of doing things, and that my ways are just that--mine, but not necessarily objectively better. MIL is currently in the middle of a 2-week visit, so I've been repeating these mantras frequently.

It doesn't sound to me like your MIL is doing anything wrong. The problem is that she is there for 2 weeks. My ILs are coming this fall for 1 week and I am already dreading the hell out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I totally feel for you!! My ILs are nuts. I tried to do the control thing and it honestly just stressed me our more. They are truly good people, but are very very very strange. So, since I never get a break from the kids, I let them have free reign over the house and kids. I prep the house and social topics before they get here. I lock my bedroom door, make sure all of the laundry is done, put all personal papers and calendars up in our room, I tell my husband what information stays between us, for stuff that she may already know and we don't want the neighbors to know I have DH tell them " topic X, I would like to stay between the family." they will listen to their son. I also tell them that my kids are allergic to over processed foods. If I don't she will practically give them plastic to chew on!

When they are here I leave. They totally understand that it's me taking a break. I will walk around the park, go to a movie, sit a Starbucks reading a book, get my nails done... whatever. My husband and I will go on date nights.

When they leave I bleach the house clean, detox, my kids eating habits and bedtime habits. It takes about 3 days to get back to normal. It gives me a break and them 100% time with the kids. I used to HATE them visiting, now I look forward to it. Since I was able to relax more, I was able to relax around them more and that helped our relationship.

This is inspiring. I would like to get to this point. Last time they were here, DH went to work, kids went to school, I did not have work that day so I chit chatted with them for a few minutes, then went to a coffee shop to escape (it was towards the end of their visit and I was at my breaking point). They walked in while I was there. Awkward doesn't begin to describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need tips for focusing on the good in my inlaws instead of being driven crazy by the annoying things they say and do. They are NOT bad people. I know some here have real inlaw nightmares. They are nice to me and my kids and love their child (my spouse) very much. But when they visit, I am constantly on edge. And I'd like to both be nicer and also feel more relaxed. But when my house is turned upside down, my kids are cranky because their routine has been ignored and they are way over stimulated, and I'm tired because we have no quiet time the things I should ignore drive me nutty.

Anyone BTDT and somehow found a way to be the bigger person?

(PS, if a hotel was an option, we'd be doing great. But they wouldn't ever consider it and we can't really ask them to.)

I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news.

You sound like a real black hole, frankly. They are trying to reach out and connect on something, anything. Your child's health/habits, the news, anything. Do you have anything interesting to add to the conversation? Where is your patience/good humor?

Try listening to someone going on a tirade about the awful government in front of small children who don't need to listen to their grandparents reenacting the McLoughlin Group. Sit through it enough times and maybe you'll get it.

Funny, when I was a child my mother would never have put up with me behaving this way (the way she now does). I'd get a lot of "young pleasant women don't talk about such things." Why is that we'd never accept certain behaviors from our own children that years later, we accept, rationalize or even celebrate from our own parents? Older doesn't always mean wiser.