disliking in-laws who aren't all that dislike-able

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?

No, I'm not interested in having more than a polite relationship with my ILs. I have no emotional connection with them and feel no need to attempt to force those feelings or to develop them. Perhaps that might change in the future but given who they are, at a minimum, I will continue to maintain boundaries. If DH asks for assistance or would like me to do something, I'm happy to help him but I'm not responsible for their visit just as DH is not responsible for my family's visit. I recognize others have a different approach but this arrangement works best for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need tips for focusing on the good in my inlaws instead of being driven crazy by the annoying things they say and do. They are NOT bad people. I know some here have real inlaw nightmares. They are nice to me and my kids and love their child (my spouse) very much. But when they visit, I am constantly on edge. And I'd like to both be nicer and also feel more relaxed. But when my house is turned upside down, my kids are cranky because their routine has been ignored and they are way over stimulated, and I'm tired because we have no quiet time the things I should ignore drive me nutty.

Anyone BTDT and somehow found a way to be the bigger person?

(PS, if a hotel was an option, we'd be doing great. But they wouldn't ever consider it and we can't really ask them to.)

I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?

No, I'm not interested in having more than a polite relationship with my ILs. I have no emotional connection with them and feel no need to attempt to force those feelings or to develop them. Perhaps that might change in the future but given who they are, at a minimum, I will continue to maintain boundaries. If DH asks for assistance or would like me to do something, I'm happy to help him but I'm not responsible for their visit just as DH is not responsible for my family's visit. I recognize others have a different approach but this arrangement works best for us.

That sounds so sad.

I understand most people don't want to be BFFs with their in-laws, but to me they're like aunts/uncles/cousins. Your approach sounds so cold.

[Anonymous]

re: I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news."...


wow. just wow. your parents sound kind. what happened to you?

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks OP is just trying to find a way to let us know her inlaws actually suck (for example, by talking to the neighbors about personal issues) without getting any negative feedback on here at all? She is all
"I'm so terrible, I'm horrible" and everyone is like "oh you are so great to acknowledge your weaknesses". BARF.

OP just tell us the truth about your inlaws. it's dcum. If you want a 100 percent reasonable response where you don't get ripped a new a-hole tell it your therapist instead.

[Anonymous]

I really like my in-laws, but when they visit I tend to get tired earlier than usual...and go to bed and read a while. I just need some downtime, and when DH's parents are here, he can stay up late with them. It's the opposite when mine visit. I stay up late and he gets alone time. Keeps us both happy.

[Anonymous]

No, I'm not interested in having more than a polite relationship with my ILs. I have no emotional connection with them and feel no need to attempt to force those feelings or to develop them. Perhaps that might change in the future but given who they are, at a minimum, I will continue to maintain boundaries. If DH asks for assistance or would like me to do something, I'm happy to help him but I'm not responsible for their visit just as DH is not responsible for my family's visit. I recognize others have a different approach but this arrangement works best for us.


That sounds so sad.

I understand most people don't want to be BFFs with their in-laws, but to me they're like aunts/uncles/cousins. Your approach sounds so cold.

How sad that you can't imagine someone feeling differently than you.

Like the PP, I have a good relationship with my ILs but I certainly don't feel like they're 'aunts/uncles/cousins'. You clearly have a need/desire to have a closer relationship with your ILs. Not everyone needs or misses that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need tips for focusing on the good in my inlaws instead of being driven crazy by the annoying things they say and do. They are NOT bad people. I know some here have real inlaw nightmares. They are nice to me and my kids and love their child (my spouse) very much. But when they visit, I am constantly on edge. And I'd like to both be nicer and also feel more relaxed. But when my house is turned upside down, my kids are cranky because their routine has been ignored and they are way over stimulated, and I'm tired because we have no quiet time the things I should ignore drive me nutty.

Anyone BTDT and somehow found a way to be the bigger person?

(PS, if a hotel was an option, we'd be doing great. But they wouldn't ever consider it and we can't really ask them to.)

I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news.

wow you sound super grumpy. how would it annoy you to have your parents interested in your child's sleep, and to talk about world politics?

whats your ideal conversation? its not like they are talking about neighborhood gossip...

re-read your post honestly you sound super mean, they just want to grow old and do nothing else? what do you want them to do?? join the circus? wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need tips for focusing on the good in my inlaws instead of being driven crazy by the annoying things they say and do. They are NOT bad people. I know some here have real inlaw nightmares. They are nice to me and my kids and love their child (my spouse) very much. But when they visit, I am constantly on edge. And I'd like to both be nicer and also feel more relaxed. But when my house is turned upside down, my kids are cranky because their routine has been ignored and they are way over stimulated, and I'm tired because we have no quiet time the things I should ignore drive me nutty.

Anyone BTDT and somehow found a way to be the bigger person?

(PS, if a hotel was an option, we'd be doing great. But they wouldn't ever consider it and we can't really ask them to.)

I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news.

wow you sound super grumpy. how would it annoy you to have your parents interested in your child's sleep, and to talk about world politics?

whats your ideal conversation? its not like they are talking about neighborhood gossip...

re-read your post honestly you sound super mean, they just want to grow old and do nothing else? what do you want them to do?? join the circus? wow.

hahaha just read the other person's response to this PP, I can see we were both thinking the same thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?

No, I'm not interested in having more than a polite relationship with my ILs. I have no emotional connection with them and feel no need to attempt to force those feelings or to develop them. Perhaps that might change in the future but given who they are, at a minimum, I will continue to maintain boundaries. If DH asks for assistance or would like me to do something, I'm happy to help him but I'm not responsible for their visit just as DH is not responsible for my family's visit. I recognize others have a different approach but this arrangement works best for us.

That sounds so sad.

I understand most people don't want to be BFFs with their in-laws, but to me they're like aunts/uncles/cousins. Your approach sounds so cold.

Sounds pitiful actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?

I had the same reaction to this post. While it's certainly reasonable not to take ownership, they are guests in your house and part of being a good host is attempting to make them comfortable and their visit enjoyable. Plus they are your DH's parents. You can't trouble yourself to think up a fun activity or grab something at the market that you know will please them? That's thoughtless and uncaring, in my opinion, especially if they're "benign", as this thread describes. I don't take ownership of my IL's visits but I work together with my DH to make them comfortable, and he does the same for my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:re: I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news."...


wow. just wow. your parents sound kind. what happened to you?

I agree. Cold-hearted. Please let my son choose a kind partner.

[Anonymous]

Work on getting keeping the kids on schedule, let the other stuff go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound like a "bigger person" situation, because it doesn't sound like they're doing anything wrong. It sounds like this is more about your own rigidity and need for control, which is something you have to work on in yourself.

OP, here. Yes, I think this is mostly right. I mean, they do things and have habits that are pretty objectively irritating BUT I think that's true for almost all of us (including me) and overall they are good people. I should be able to ignore my MIL telling our neighbors very personal details about my life (and my kids' lives) because she has to talk to everyone about everything etc. but I get red in the face when I hear her doing it or hear that she's done it.

Do you have suggestions for working on myself? I AM rigid. Probably a bit controlling too but I try and save it for things related to my kids that I actually think impact their well being and health. And I can act differently (i.e., let my MIL yap to neighbors and refrain from giving her an outright evil eye) but inside I simmer.

My relationship with my in-laws is very similar. They're actually quite lovely, go out of their way to help us (and me, specifically) quite frequently, and absolutely adore my husband and our kids. I also make it a priority to facilitate time with our kids, do nice things for them, etc. But our personalities just don't mesh and they drive me up the wall. Like yours, my MIL overshares all sorts of personal details, so we just don't share details about ourselves or our kids anymore. And if I have to hear my MIL talk in a sickly-sweet baby voice to my 4 yo just one more time.... "you just love coloring, don't you?" or "you helped with dinner, didn't you?" or "you sang the whole song, didn't you?" UGH. I just walk away. I really believe it's good for kids to have different experiences with different adults, to realize everyone has their own ways of doing things, and that my ways are just that--mine, but not necessarily objectively better. MIL is currently in the middle of a 2-week visit, so I've been repeating these mantras frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:re: I feel this way about my own parents a lot. They're retired and have nothing to do. Not an exaggeration. As a result, our phone conversations are very dull, always about what's on the news, going on in Gaza or another state as if they're personally involved. And then if the conversation isn't about national or world events, it's about every little thing their grandchild is doing. "Yes, he's sleeping." "Does he sleep well?" "Yes, I've told you this before, he's doing well when it comes to napping/sleeping through the night." "Did I just hear him say something?" "No, that was the television." And on and on and on.

I find it's hard to be in the same room with them during their visits. They just want to grow old watching DS and do nothing else. I wish they'd understand that DS isn't here to give them a reason to exist. I know they love him so I try to be a better person but that usually involves taking a deep breath and leaving the room when I've had enough or to just avoid another pointless discussion about something in the news."...


wow. just wow. your parents sound kind. what happened to you?

I agree. Cold-hearted. Please let my son choose a kind partner.

Have someone badger you about Obamacare or immigration or why their religion is superior for the tenth time in a day and let me know how you feel.