Pushy In-Laws!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have turned DS into their reason to live. They retired and talked about doing other things-- taking on new hobbies and traveling-- but it never worked out that way. While I'm so happy they love and care for DS, it becomes somewhat burdensome at times because DH and I cannot accommodate their emotional needs. DS was not born for THEM, and they seem to have a hard time accepting that. My mother had a vision of being the grandmother who watches her grandchildren every day while I head out to work. Unfortunately for her, it hasn't worked out that way. DH and I saved up, I work part-time and we'll send DS to pre-school when he's ready. My parents need to be needed and for this they really need therapy but will never seek it out. As a result of all of this, my mother tends to make a lot of passive aggressive statements about her role as a grandparent. Makes me wonder if there's some grandparenting book out there they're all reading titled "Asserting Yourself As the Alpha Grandma."

This sounds exactly like my MIL who is also a score keeper and constantly trying to get rid of me and have DD to herself. She even wants to sleep on the floor in DD's room when she visits.

I tried to get my DH to handle her but it hasn't worked so well (she has a ton of issues unrelated to this post but he has spent his life simultaneously being embarrassed by and defensive of her and if I criticize her too much he switches to defensive mode). Here's what worked for me, OP:
1. If I have an issue with MIL's behavior, handle it myself using very direct and unemotional words
2. Keep our schedule somewhat busy so that it's harder for her to visit (they live six hours away and see the baby every six weeks though MIL would come every other weekend if we let her)
3. Let DH handle most of the interactions. At first I would email her the same photos and videos I sent my parents to minimize the score keeping. However that resulted in her sending bizarre emails demanding I send pictures every single day, so I stopped. I send the photos to DH and let him decide whether or not to send to her but I no longer receive her barrage of emails (13 in one day demanding photos). DH is also responsible for scheduling their visits and I try to take at least one afternoon to myself
4. I recognize that she loves the baby and the baby loves her and I'd never want to get in the middle of that so I try not to let her "get" to me when she does stuff like try to kick me out of my own house so she can babysit. It took a long time - baby is now really a toddler at almost 2 years old and I'm still working on it but the more I try to view her as someone to be tolerated every once in awhile, the easier it gets.
5.As someone else said, I give her as little info about my family as possible - the less she knows the harder it is to be competitive.

Distant and polite but firm is my mantra.

That is how I get by with my MIL as well. She drives me insane with the score keeping and weird passive aggressive comments about my family, specfically my mother. But I just try to remember she's a good grandma. She's annoying as hell as a MIL, but very loving with my baby...that is worth it (repeat as needed).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have turned DS into their reason to live. They retired and talked about doing other things-- taking on new hobbies and traveling-- but it never worked out that way. While I'm so happy they love and care for DS, it becomes somewhat burdensome at times because DH and I cannot accommodate their emotional needs. DS was not born for THEM, and they seem to have a hard time accepting that. My mother had a vision of being the grandmother who watches her grandchildren every day while I head out to work. Unfortunately for her, it hasn't worked out that way. DH and I saved up, I work part-time and we'll send DS to pre-school when he's ready. My parents need to be needed and for this they really need therapy but will never seek it out. As a result of all of this, my mother tends to make a lot of passive aggressive statements about her role as a grandparent. Makes me wonder if there's some grandparenting book out there they're all reading titled "Asserting Yourself As the Alpha Grandma."

This sounds exactly like my MIL who is also a score keeper and constantly trying to get rid of me and have DD to herself. She even wants to sleep on the floor in DD's room when she visits.

I tried to get my DH to handle her but it hasn't worked so well (she has a ton of issues unrelated to this post but he has spent his life simultaneously being embarrassed by and defensive of her and if I criticize her too much he switches to defensive mode). Here's what worked for me, OP:
1. If I have an issue with MIL's behavior, handle it myself using very direct and unemotional words
2. Keep our schedule somewhat busy so that it's harder for her to visit (they live six hours away and see the baby every six weeks though MIL would come every other weekend if we let her)
3. Let DH handle most of the interactions. At first I would email her the same photos and videos I sent my parents to minimize the score keeping. However that resulted in her sending bizarre emails demanding I send pictures every single day, so I stopped. I send the photos to DH and let him decide whether or not to send to her but I no longer receive her barrage of emails (13 in one day demanding photos). DH is also responsible for scheduling their visits and I try to take at least one afternoon to myself
4. I recognize that she loves the baby and the baby loves her and I'd never want to get in the middle of that so I try not to let her "get" to me when she does stuff like try to kick me out of my own house so she can babysit. It took a long time - baby is now really a toddler at almost 2 years old and I'm still working on it but the more I try to view her as someone to be tolerated every once in awhile, the easier it gets.
5.As someone else said, I give her as little info about my family as possible - the less she knows the harder it is to be competitive.

Distant and polite but firm is my mantra.

That is how I get by with my MIL as well. She drives me insane with the score keeping and weird passive aggressive comments about my family, specfically my mother. But I just try to remember she's a good grandma. She's annoying as hell as a MIL, but very loving with my baby...that is worth it (repeat as needed).

OP here- thanks for the great feedback! You are right, my in-laws will be great grandparents so I need to focus on that. The more people that are around to love and care about my son, the better off he will be. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that you do sound dug in. How are your parents going to be feeding the baby the two days/week they'll be watching him? I can't imagine your mother is going to be breastfeeding him. Why do your parents get to spend so much time with the baby but your ILs don't? Yes, it's your baby but it's their DS's child. It seems you're excluding them but other than some 'outdated ideas', I don't see any compelling reason to limit their contact.

OP here- my parents don't spend more time with him. They have never babysat for him since he was born either. They haven't asked or pressured me about it repeatedly, unlike my in-laws. They are watching him twice a week when I go back to work because they are retired and are in a position to do so. My in laws are not retired and never offered. We are paying for day care the other three days a week. Having my pArents watch him is saving us a lot of money so there is no way we are turning that down!!

You didn't answer the question about how your parents are going to be feeding the baby when you go back to work. In your OP, feeding the baby (since you are BFing and are anti-bottle) was a major reason why you couldn't leave the baby with your ILs. If your mother isn't BFing in your place, that hurdle must be going away when you go back to work.

You say your ILs' desire to spend more time with the baby may stem from the fact your parents will be watching him 2 days a week, yet you say your parents don't spend more time with him than they do. How can that be? Will your ILs be spending weekends with you? You also seem angry that they've never 'offered' to provide free daycare. Would you accept it if they did offer? I doubt it given your resentment - and I'm sure they pick up on it as well which is why they're probably pushing you to have some time with your DH. Perhaps it would improve your mood and increase the quality of the limited time you allow them with the baby.

You're willing to send your precious baby to daycare but not willing to allow your ILs' to take care of the baby - for what appears to be no other reason than you're annoyed with them. Maybe it's your adjusting hormones but you sound like a real bitch.

[Anonymous]

OP here, PP, go back and read carefully, I did address how I will feed my son when he goes to day care. If you aren't able or willing to do that I said that we give him a bottle every other day to prepare him for day care, and will increase it to once a day a month out. At the present time my parents DO NOT spend more time with him than my in laws. They have actually been on vacation for the past three weeks. Remember he is only 8 weeks old so that is a pretty significant chunk of his life so far. I repeat, no grand parent has babysat him to date. When I go back to work my parents will watch him 2x a week, so they clearly will watch him more than my in laws at that point. I really don't care that my in laws didn't offer to watch him, I had no expectation of that since we fully expected to pay for full time day care when we found out I was expecting. It was a wonderful surprise when my parents offered to watch him. Trust me, if my in laws offered we would have gladly accepted!! Our day care will still cost us an arm and a leg and we would be glad to not have to pay it!! My issue is with the constant requests to babysit, you can only politely decline so many times before getting annoyed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that you do sound dug in. How are your parents going to be feeding the baby the two days/week they'll be watching him? I can't imagine your mother is going to be breastfeeding him. Why do your parents get to spend so much time with the baby but your ILs don't? Yes, it's your baby but it's their DS's child. It seems you're excluding them but other than some 'outdated ideas', I don't see any compelling reason to limit their contact.

OP here- my parents don't spend more time with him. They have never babysat for him since he was born either. They haven't asked or pressured me about it repeatedly, unlike my in-laws. They are watching him twice a week when I go back to work because they are retired and are in a position to do so. My in laws are not retired and never offered. We are paying for day care the other three days a week. Having my pArents watch him is saving us a lot of money so there is no way we are turning that down!!

You didn't answer the question about how your parents are going to be feeding the baby when you go back to work. In your OP, feeding the baby (since you are BFing and are anti-bottle) was a major reason why you couldn't leave the baby with your ILs. If your mother isn't BFing in your place, that hurdle must be going away when you go back to work.

You say your ILs' desire to spend more time with the baby may stem from the fact your parents will be watching him 2 days a week, yet you say your parents don't spend more time with him than they do. How can that be? Will your ILs be spending weekends with you? You also seem angry that they've never 'offered' to provide free daycare. Would you accept it if they did offer? I doubt it given your resentment - and I'm sure they pick up on it as well which is why they're probably pushing you to have some time with your DH. Perhaps it would improve your mood and increase the quality of the limited time you allow them with the baby.

You're willing to send your precious baby to daycare but not willing to allow your ILs' to take care of the baby - for what appears to be no other reason than you're annoyed with them. Maybe it's your adjusting hormones but you sound like a real bitch.

NP here. Wow, that was SO unnecessarily harsh. OP says her parents don't spend more time with the baby because they don't - she's still home on maternity leave. Nobody "babysits" the baby now - OP is content to spend as much time as possible with the baby, and it's important to her to establish a breastfeeding supply before she heads back to work. She's not excluding anyone and not showing preferential treatment to anyone.

Once her parents do start watching the baby, yes, they will be spending more time with baby, but that is not OP's responsibility to compensate on weekends or evenings, because she'll want to spend time with her baby then. I get the sense that if IL's were retired and also offered to watch the baby on weekdays, she'd be open to that, but she has no obligation to provide compensatory babysitting time.

Of course the baby will be taking a bottle when the baby is in day care, but that time is not now. There is no need to offer anything more than the occasional bottle, and that is what OP is doing. She shouldn't reduce breastfeeding time just to cater to IL's.

OP, I feel for what you're going through. My MIL is deeply resentful that I didn't want her to "babysit" during my maternity leave -- I had no desire whatsoever to be apart from the baby during the precious few weeks I had with him before I had to go to work. Moreover, he's one year old now, and neither DH nor I are eager to be away from him. We spend 50+ hours a week of wake time away from him. His childhood is zooming by. We're not going to manufacture reasons to be away from him to suit my MIL's needs.

That said, I often invite her over here and I am very comfortable with her spending time with him while I do things around the house or even take a blessed nap. But he's not going to be doing overnights with her and we're not going to give up whole weekend days with him just because she wants to be alone with him. I get it.

[Anonymous]

OP again, to respond to the PPs other comment, I am not saying I never will want my in laws to watch, just not at this time because my son is very young. When he is older, that will be a different story. I don't feel ready for anybody to watch him at this point. Nobody has babysat him yet. That is our decision as a parents and I just want that to be respected. I do not want to be pressured into leaving him before I am ready just to satisfy their desire to babysit.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like it's not so much the fact that they're interested in babysitting that's the issue -- it's that they won't let it go.

You've probably tried this, but -- if you're comfortable with it -- maybe give them a very specific answer. Say something like, "I have so little time to stay home at the beginning, I really want to get as much time with the baby as I can. But once I'm working again, I'm sure we'll need a sitter once a month or so."

(Of course, ONLY say this if you'd actually be comfortable having them babysit once a month or so once you go back to work.)

I'm thinking part of the reason they're pushing is they feel like you're fobbing them off with excuses and might not EVER let them babysit; if you give them a more specific answer, they might unclench a bit.

[Anonymous]

(Yawn) Gotta love those first time moms.

[Anonymous]

I had the same issues with my mother. They were taught differently about breastfeeding. Just be firm and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that you do sound dug in. How are your parents going to be feeding the baby the two days/week they'll be watching him? I can't imagine your mother is going to be breastfeeding him. Why do your parents get to spend so much time with the baby but your ILs don't? Yes, it's your baby but it's their DS's child. It seems you're excluding them but other than some 'outdated ideas', I don't see any compelling reason to limit their contact.

OP here- my parents don't spend more time with him. They have never babysat for him since he was born either. They haven't asked or pressured me about it repeatedly, unlike my in-laws. They are watching him twice a week when I go back to work because they are retired and are in a position to do so. My in laws are not retired and never offered. We are paying for day care the other three days a week. Having my pArents watch him is saving us a lot of money so there is no way we are turning that down!!

You didn't answer the question about how your parents are going to be feeding the baby when you go back to work. In your OP, feeding the baby (since you are BFing and are anti-bottle) was a major reason why you couldn't leave the baby with your ILs. If your mother isn't BFing in your place, that hurdle must be going away when you go back to work.

You say your ILs' desire to spend more time with the baby may stem from the fact your parents will be watching him 2 days a week, yet you say your parents don't spend more time with him than they do. How can that be? Will your ILs be spending weekends with you? You also seem angry that they've never 'offered' to provide free daycare. Would you accept it if they did offer? I doubt it given your resentment - and I'm sure they pick up on it as well which is why they're probably pushing you to have some time with your DH. Perhaps it would improve your mood and increase the quality of the limited time you allow them with the baby.

You're willing to send your precious baby to daycare but not willing to allow your ILs' to take care of the baby - for what appears to be no other reason than you're annoyed with them. Maybe it's your adjusting hormones but you sound like a real bitch.

NP here. Wow, that was SO unnecessarily harsh. OP says her parents don't spend more time with the baby because they don't - she's still home on maternity leave. Nobody "babysits" the baby now - OP is content to spend as much time as possible with the baby, and it's important to her to establish a breastfeeding supply before she heads back to work. She's not excluding anyone and not showing preferential treatment to anyone.

Once her parents do start watching the baby, yes, they will be spending more time with baby, but that is not OP's responsibility to compensate on weekends or evenings, because she'll want to spend time with her baby then. I get the sense that if IL's were retired and also offered to watch the baby on weekdays, she'd be open to that, but she has no obligation to provide compensatory babysitting time.

Of course the baby will be taking a bottle when the baby is in day care, but that time is not now. There is no need to offer anything more than the occasional bottle, and that is what OP is doing. She shouldn't reduce breastfeeding time just to cater to IL's.

OP, I feel for what you're going through. My MIL is deeply resentful that I didn't want her to "babysit" during my maternity leave -- I had no desire whatsoever to be apart from the baby during the precious few weeks I had with him before I had to go to work. Moreover, he's one year old now, and neither DH nor I are eager to be away from him. We spend 50+ hours a week of wake time away from him. His childhood is zooming by. We're not going to manufacture reasons to be away from him to suit my MIL's needs.

That said, I often invite her over here and I am very comfortable with her spending time with him while I do things around the house or even take a blessed nap. But he's not going to be doing overnights with her and we're not going to give up whole weekend days with him just because she wants to be alone with him. I get it.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree that your in laws are way overboard and your DH should make things clear to them, but there are ways to handle things.

Yes, their desire to babysit is about them, but it still means that you will get great care from them (unless you have reason to think otherwise). Be nice about their offers and say you aren't ready but you will be excited to get a night out after you go back to work and perhaps they can babysit then?

And if you are giving a bottle, perhaps they could give one of the bottles as prep for daycare - save it for when they are there.

Don't give in on your priorities, but where it fits, let them be helpful. And thank them for what they do.

My MIL is a bit overbearing but I've tried to make it work for me as much as I can. I do not take any criticism and refuse to do things in ways that make me uncomfortable, but I certainly am willing to accept their help. My son is older, but after a few months (things are still too early for you maybe) I was happy to let my MIL hold the baby, dress him, and even play and read on the floor while I was out of the room, say showering or prepping dinner. Yes, it's about them, but isn't that the best kind of help, the one who loves your child as much as you do?

exactly. OP, can you give, just a little? You can absolutely be firm and say you're not ready for a long separation, but the fact is kids bond better with the people who are caring for them. My parents help a lot with my EBF baby, even if I BF they will do diaper changes and burp him, change his clothes, etc. They also give bottles to help me out overnight while DH is travels - feeding a baby is a wonderful way to bond with them. We do 1-2 bottles per day (and my baby is younger than yours). My parents do the bottles and I love that they can share the experience of feeding him. I bet it's hard for them to feel likethey have a connection with the baby if you're hovering over him. Would you be comfortable even feeding him, then stepping out for a walk or something? Certainly a half hour separation would do everyone a bit of good.

[Anonymous]

You do sound overly controlling to me. But, I was pretty much the same way when my son was born. If you can find a way to gain confidence in your in-laws, it will serve all of you well over the coming years. Try to take a step back and see it from their point of view. Find a way to make them a part of things. Your child will be better served by being close to them.

It's hard. But you need to work a little harder and be less judgmental of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree that your in laws are way overboard and your DH should make things clear to them, but there are ways to handle things.

Yes, their desire to babysit is about them, but it still means that you will get great care from them (unless you have reason to think otherwise). Be nice about their offers and say you aren't ready but you will be excited to get a night out after you go back to work and perhaps they can babysit then?

And if you are giving a bottle, perhaps they could give one of the bottles as prep for daycare - save it for when they are there.

Don't give in on your priorities, but where it fits, let them be helpful. And thank them for what they do.

My MIL is a bit overbearing but I've tried to make it work for me as much as I can. I do not take any criticism and refuse to do things in ways that make me uncomfortable, but I certainly am willing to accept their help. My son is older, but after a few months (things are still too early for you maybe) I was happy to let my MIL hold the baby, dress him, and even play and read on the floor while I was out of the room, say showering or prepping dinner. Yes, it's about them, but isn't that the best kind of help, the one who loves your child as much as you do?

exactly. OP, can you give, just a little? You can absolutely be firm and say you're not ready for a long separation, but the fact is kids bond better with the people who are caring for them. My parents help a lot with my EBF baby, even if I BF they will do diaper changes and burp him, change his clothes, etc. They also give bottles to help me out overnight while DH is travels - feeding a baby is a wonderful way to bond with them. We do 1-2 bottles per day (and my baby is younger than yours). My parents do the bottles and I love that they can share the experience of feeding him. I bet it's hard for them to feel likethey have a connection with the baby if you're hovering over him. Would you be comfortable even feeding him, then stepping out for a walk or something? Certainly a half hour separation would do everyone a bit of good.

PP here, I will also add that this isn't my first kid - so I am not bent on doing anything - including breastfeeding - exactly the "right" way. Being more relaxed about everything helps you take advantage of all the resources you have, like helpful grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Good god, I wish I had your 'problem', OP. Your ILs may be pushy but you have no clue how lucky you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was this way too. I just said no. I simply said we won't be going out alone for a while so there won't be any babysitting. I am pretty direct though. When my MIL was pushing to be in the delivery room with me (because my mom would be there), I said no politely a number of times. When she kept being a pest about it I told her that I said no and I that I get to choose who sees my vagina and she wasn't on the list.

LOVE this!

I am past having kids but I am going to share this with every mom to be with a difficult MIL

+1000000

My body and your criticisms are NOT fodder for bridge club, thank you very much Go OP!