Pushy In-Laws!!!

[Anonymous]

I am a FTM with an 8 week old baby boy. My son is the first grandchild on my husbands side, so my in laws are very excited. They are driving me nuts because they seem to have very outdated notions of parenting and are constantly pushing to baby sit my son. They have been pushing me to leave him so they can watch him alone since he was about 2 weeks old. They ask constantly to babysit and even bring up watching him for whole weekends. I am just not comfortable leaving him at this point, especially not for a whole weekend!! I am exclusively breastfeeding, and my son really struggled with breastfeeding the first few weeks, so I refused to give him a bottle for the first month because it could interfere with his latch. I'm pretty anti-bottle, when it comes down to it. I don't give two hoots what anybody else does for their child, but for mine, I choose to breastfeed.

Recently they have gotten so pushy in their offers that they really seem more like demands. They don't seem to "get" or respect our decision to breastfeed and why we initially refused to give him a bottle, or why we won't give him formula. I appreciate that they want to be involved in his life, It just makes me feel like they are trying to take over. Comments they make about our decisions really seem to undermine my choices as a mother. They are free to come over and spend time with him, I just don't see why it has to be when My husband and I aren't around.

I think the issue could stem from the fact that my parents will be watching him two days a week when I go back to work, and my mother in law may feel bad about that or may be worrying that my mom will be closer with him than she is. Regardless, I am feeling very resentful that they are being so pushy. I shouldn't have to leave my baby when I don't want to just to make them happy. He isn't a toy for them to play with. They couch their offers as being intended to give us a break, but really it seems more about them. Really, if we wanted them to babysit, which at some we will, we will just ask!

Any ideas on how to mellow this situation??

[Anonymous]

I'm thrilled that you are so excited to spend time with him because we are too. We're just not ready to leave him just yet. This is still new to us and we're not quite at the point that we need a break from him. Trust me, we'll be calling on you tons to babysit and help out, but for now, aside from the feeding times he needs, I'm just trying to spend time getting to know his personality. Even if you don't agree with our choices, this is the way we want to do things for now. Please respect that and not always ask to take him away.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was this way too. I just said no. I simply said we won't be going out alone for a while so there won't be any babysitting. I am pretty direct though. When my MIL was pushing to be in the delivery room with me (because my mom would be there), I said no politely a number of times. When she kept being a pest about it I told her that I said no and I that I get to choose who sees my vagina and she wasn't on the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a FTM with an 8 week old baby boy. My son is the first grandchild on my husbands side, so my in laws are very excited. They are driving me nuts because they seem to have very outdated notions of parenting and are constantly pushing to baby sit my son. They have been pushing me to leave him so they can watch him alone since he was about 2 weeks old. They ask constantly to babysit and even bring up watching him for whole weekends. I am just not comfortable leaving him at this point, especially not for a whole weekend!! I am exclusively breastfeeding, and my son really struggled with breastfeeding the first few weeks, so I refused to give him a bottle for the first month because it could interfere with his latch. I'm pretty anti-bottle, when it comes down to it. I don't give two hoots what anybody else does for their child, but for mine, I choose to breastfeed.

Recently they have gotten so pushy in their offers that they really seem more like demands. They don't seem to "get" or respect our decision to breastfeed and why we initially refused to give him a bottle, or why we won't give him formula. I appreciate that they want to be involved in his life, It just makes me feel like they are trying to take over. Comments they make about our decisions really seem to undermine my choices as a mother. They are free to come over and spend time with him, I just don't see why it has to be when My husband and I aren't around.

I think the issue could stem from the fact that my parents will be watching him two days a week when I go back to work, and my mother in law may feel bad about that or may be worrying that my mom will be closer with him than she is. Regardless, I am feeling very resentful that they are being so pushy. I shouldn't have to leave my baby when I don't want to just to make them happy. He isn't a toy for them to play with. They couch their offers as being intended to give us a break, but really it seems more about them. Really, if we wanted them to babysit, which at some we will, we will just ask!

Any ideas on how to mellow this situation??

This is all you need to remember. You are the mom, they can't pressure you into leaving him and it's more about their desperation than your comfort.

Get DH involved! He needs to have the talk with his parents that you are so excited that DS has all these loving family members who want to spend time with him, and when you have a need for a babysitter you know they can be counted on to help.

[Anonymous]

Op you sound controlling.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is anti- bottle ?
I get choosing to breastfeeding but that mans you anti bottle?
Guess I'm asking because it sounds as if you are a bit dug in about things. You already sort of answered your own question, to some degree they may be feeling a bit jealous that your mom will be getting a little more baby time be size she is part time day are for you. Can you say you guys are not ready to leave baby, but once you go back to work you will be more prepared for more separation and look forward to them spending even more time with the baby.
Try to relax a little, parents can lose their minds a bit when becoming grandparents... they can become overwhelmed with love. You u dee stand, aren't you falling in love with DS?
Try to take that perspective and you and DH can find a way to make everyone feel included and loved as you become more comfortable as a new parent. Trust me, a lot of folks will get on your nerves, including your own parents. Every annoyance is not a major issue, learn to discern and navigate and you will make thngs easier on yourself.
There are a lot of hills to climb on this journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you sound controlling.

Seriously? The baby's 8 weeks old. You're ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

^^pp here
Stupid iPhone typos

[Anonymous]

I have to say that you do sound dug in. How are your parents going to be feeding the baby the two days/week they'll be watching him? I can't imagine your mother is going to be breastfeeding him. Why do your parents get to spend so much time with the baby but your ILs don't? Yes, it's your baby but it's their DS's child. It seems you're excluding them but other than some 'outdated ideas', I don't see any compelling reason to limit their contact.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I probably should have left the part out about bottles since it's not really relevant. We give him a bottle every other day to prepare him for day care. We will increase it to every day when I have a month left of maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that you do sound dug in. How are your parents going to be feeding the baby the two days/week they'll be watching him? I can't imagine your mother is going to be breastfeeding him. Why do your parents get to spend so much time with the baby but your ILs don't? Yes, it's your baby but it's their DS's child. It seems you're excluding them but other than some 'outdated ideas', I don't see any compelling reason to limit their contact.

OP here- my parents don't spend more time with him. They have never babysat for him since he was born either. They haven't asked or pressured me about it repeatedly, unlike my in-laws. They are watching him twice a week when I go back to work because they are retired and are in a position to do so. My in laws are not retired and never offered. We are paying for day care the other three days a week. Having my pArents watch him is saving us a lot of money so there is no way we are turning that down!!

[Anonymous]

OP, you really need to have DH handle this. You and he get to make the decisions about baby. Period. If. They start in with the comments, simply change the subject or leave the room. You do not have to justify your parenting choices to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was this way too. I just said no. I simply said we won't be going out alone for a while so there won't be any babysitting. I am pretty direct though. When my MIL was pushing to be in the delivery room with me (because my mom would be there), I said no politely a number of times. When she kept being a pest about it I told her that I said no and I that I get to choose who sees my vagina and she wasn't on the list.

LOVE this!

I am past having kids but I am going to share this with every mom to be with a difficult MIL

[Anonymous]

A year from now you will be complaining about how they never come to visit, don't help, etc. No wonder, you drove them away. And, you are controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A year from now you will be complaining about how they never come to visit, don't help, etc. No wonder, you drove them away. And, you are controlling.

Okay you can stop sock puppeting. Go find another sandbox to play in.