Drinking Scapegoat
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Anonymous
The problem here is that you do in fact get mad when he drinks and while you do not disallow drinking altogether, you have a very fuzzy and poorly communicated idea about what is acceptable for him to drink. So, you and he are locked into this messed up dynamic--you have made it clear that he needs your permission to drink, even while you're saying 'you don't need my permission." You actually WANT him to decide for himself that he will not drink at all, but you don't want to be the one to say "You drink, I leave." You give him the freedom to make his decision, but when he makes a decision you don't like, you get angry. Look, I'm not attacking you but I am pointing out that making him responsible for his choices means you also have to disconnect from those choices. If you can't do that (and frankly, I'm not sure you should, given the history of addiction) then you need to find another solution. But its kind of a no-win for you. Either you make a hard and fast rule "no drinking" and he accepts it, and yes you deal with the fall out of being "controlling" or you let him make his decisions, but then you cannot be angry at him for making a decision that you wouldn't make for him. You can be disappointed, you can tell him that if he chooses to drink excessively, you will end the marriage, etc, but right now there's no clear pathway for either of you to act. Perhaps the biggest issue is whether he is an alcoholic who should never drink, or whether he abuses alcohol and can, in fact, control his intake. I think you want him to be the latter (and he thinks he is the latter), and you want him to be able to control it in a way that makes you feel secure. But what that amount or behavior is isn't clear right now to you or him. Certainly, for some people on this board, 2-3 glasses of wine on vacation isn't an issue. But I also don't think that's the real issue between you two. Its a symptom of a bigger issue that has no resolution. |
Anonymous
| He is an alcoholic. Leave him. My hubby is one and he doesn't act this way. You do what's best for your kids and for you. |
Anonymous
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@12:19, I actually do have a clear idea. I don't think he should ever drunk again. I even told him again after this latest event, but he made excuses (that blamed me) for why he was snippy with the kids. He is adamant he is not an alcoholic, he is adamant I not talk to his therapist, and he is in the process of firing the internist who used to see us both for any years. He also claims our joint doc sent him to someone previously who confirmed he is not an alcoholic. He won't let me talk to that person either. And he's firing our doc because he wants to put him on psych meds because he thinks he is bipolar. Any time I make any suggestion or comment about hisctherapy or alcohol I'm told his therapist says I'm dead wrong. He says I am trying to control him and let him do it. That's why I won't draw lines. He's the one "gas lighting" people who don't really know him into saying he's fine. In a way, I feel like I gave him the rope he asked for, and he hung himself with it. Now I have to figure out how to find the strength and energy to leave.
As for my whack job status, if I had the energy I would go find my post from several years ago where he woke up especially hung over and started screaming from upstairs. I ran upstairs to see what was wrong and he screamed I had to get our 18-month old daughter out of our room and away from him because "she is a bitch." That's what I worry about reoccurring if I leave and he gets joint custody, which he will. |
Anonymous
| Sorry for the typos. Fat thumb plus iPhone. |
Anonymous
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OP, you should really go to Al-anon. Even with all your therapy, etc., I know it would help. As for joint custody, you are right -- he would likely get it. If he really is an alcoholic, though, he's not likely to keep seeing your children. Most alcoholics would gladly give up family relationships to drink in peace.
Anyway, there is a whole world of support you are missing by not attending some Al-anon meetings. They have been through what you are going through and can ofter a lot of support and guidance. Your DH sounds like an alcoholic, but he hasn't hit anywhere near his own bottom yet (he still can't admit that he has a problem). Good luck. It's not an easy thing to navigate this road. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like untreated bipolar is an equally significant problem - perhaps he is self-medicating. OP, how has his behavior been over these 5 months without alcohol? Have you seen a marked difference?
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Anonymous
| He has been better, less angry. He was best when taking the lam octal at a very small starter dose but decided to fire our GP when he told him to increase it and then he found somebody to tell him on the basis of a 30 minute appointment that he wasn't and that lam octal could have fatal side effects (true if you don't start it slowly but not if you do it right - it's some kind of fatal rash) and told him to stop taking it and start seeing his therapist once a week. |
Anonymous
| Stupid iPhone - *lamictal* |
Anonymous
OP, I went back and reread your first post and was really struck by this paragraph. It sounds like you haven't given up the hope that you can convince your husband to agree with your interpretation of the situation. You need to let go of that hope and grieve over the loss. Then you need to move forward to take care of yourself and your children, which, as other pps have suggested, means taking steps to leave your marriage. I do wish you'd try Al-Anon. It's not for everybody but you should at least investigate it. Good luck to you. Your dh sounds like a master of manipulation. It will take a lot of strength for you to disengage from it. |
Anonymous
| OP have you figured out you can't change him? Either you are going to have to out up with this or get out. Of this has been going on for years then you have put your kids in a very bad place. You need to fix this for them. |
Anonymous
| I know. But letting go of hope - that he will change because he gets it, or gets the right advice, or will want our marriage and family enough - is hard. I am trying. First I let go of his recovery and only answered when he asked me. Now I have to let hi of the whole thing. It sucks. It's hard. I really hoped because things were less bad the last few months we could get across the finish line, but it seems like every time I get my hopes really up, then I am confronted again. The first thing he did at that dinner was raise his glass and toast to me, the love of his life, and thank me for being there because he knew I had a choice. I so wish I could rewind the tape and stop right there and change what happened next. I can't. I have to accept that one hopeful moment doesn't make up for all the bad ones. I have to give up on "love conquers all". I'm so sad. |
Anonymous
| So sorry, OP. We are all hoping that things get better for you and sooner, rather than later. Please take care! |
Anonymous
| Why are you the keeper of his drinking issues? He needs to own this on his own and decide what is right wrt his own drinking. He can't just keep on looking to you to see if he should drink. Of course, you also should probably completely refrain from drinking around him for a while. But in the end, he is the one who has to be his own keeper. You can want him to stop but it is for him to decide. And with that, there will consequences that you need to follow through with. |
Anonymous
| It's not clear to you or him what the rules/boundaries are and as long as it's fuzzy you are going to continue to have problems. I expect that if you just said no more drinking, he would say no way..and then you would be at a crossroads relationship wise etc. so instead you kind of avoid that place by saying "maybe you can drink later on" when you really mean, "don't drink at all". He clearly wants to drink, so if you are fuzzy with your expectations he is going to push it. |
Anonymous
+1 |