Reply to Drinking Scapegoat

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]I did tell him he is an alcoholic (as did his father). He categorically rejects that and says we don't know what we are talking about. Then he constantly pressures me to let him drink and gets mad when I say no. If I say I'm not his keeper and he has to choose, he tries to get me to promise I won't get mad if he does. I agree it is f'ed up and I have to do donething. Thanks for the "real talk". I truly mean that.[/quote]

The problem here is that you do in fact get mad when he drinks and while you do not disallow drinking altogether, you have a very fuzzy and poorly communicated idea about what is acceptable for him to drink. So, you and he are locked into this messed up dynamic--you have made it clear that he needs your permission to drink, even while you're saying 'you don't need my permission." You actually WANT him to decide for himself that he will not drink at all, but you don't want to be the one to say "You drink, I leave." You give him the freedom to make his decision, but when he makes a decision you don't like, you get angry.

Look, I'm not attacking you but I am pointing out that making him responsible for his choices means you also have to disconnect from those choices. If you can't do that (and frankly, I'm not sure you should, given the history of addiction) then you need to find another solution. But its kind of a no-win for you. Either you make a hard and fast rule "no drinking" and he accepts it, and yes you deal with the fall out of being "controlling" or you let him make his decisions, but then you cannot be angry at him for making a decision that you wouldn't make for him. You can be disappointed, you can tell him that if he chooses to drink excessively, you will end the marriage, etc, but right now there's no clear pathway for either of you to act.

Perhaps the biggest issue is whether he is an alcoholic who should never drink, or whether he abuses alcohol and can, in fact, control his intake. I think you want him to be the latter (and he thinks he is the latter), and you want him to be able to control it in a way that makes you feel secure. But what that amount or  behavior is isn't clear right now to you or him. Certainly, for some people on this board, 2-3 glasses of wine on vacation isn't an issue. But I also don't think that's the real issue between you two. Its a symptom of a bigger issue that has no resolution. [/quote]

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