At what point would you kick a spouse out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought bipolar disorder was really extreme -- like, taking your shoes and socks off and walking to Baltimore.

No, there are actually several types of bipolar disorder. Many people who are functional bipolars (and you'd be surprised how many of them there are) have bipolar disorder II which involve milder forms of hypomania (what I think OP's husband is going through) and depression. Bipolar I disorder is what most people think of when they hear bipolar, and that involves the extreme mood swings.

So being unreasonable, lazy or bad with money could be symptoms of being bipolar? I'm not being sarcastic. I think that's a pretty wide net.

Well no the actual diagnosis involves far more than someone being bad with money or lazy, etc. But the point was that bipolar disorder isn't just diagnosed in those who have crazy highs or crazy lows. Does the person cycle through periods of being on the go, getting a ton of stuff done, having lots of projects, and being involved in work with periods of skipping work, not doing much, letting projects go, not being involved? That would be a sign of a bipolar disorder. If a person is just constantly lazy or unreasonable and they don't go through cycles, well they might just be a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought bipolar disorder was really extreme -- like, taking your shoes and socks off and walking to Baltimore.

No, there are actually several types of bipolar disorder. Many people who are functional bipolars (and you'd be surprised how many of them there are) have bipolar disorder II which involve milder forms of hypomania (what I think OP's husband is going through) and depression. Bipolar I disorder is what most people think of when they hear bipolar, and that involves the extreme mood swings.

So being unreasonable, lazy or bad with money could be symptoms of being bipolar? I'm not being sarcastic. I think that's a pretty wide net.

Well no the actual diagnosis involves far more than someone being bad with money or lazy, etc. But the point was that bipolar disorder isn't just diagnosed in those who have crazy highs or crazy lows. Does the person cycle through periods of being on the go, getting a ton of stuff done, having lots of projects, and being involved in work with periods of skipping work, not doing much, letting projects go, not being involved? That would be a sign of a bipolar disorder. If a person is just constantly lazy or unreasonable and they don't go through cycles, well they might just be a jerk.

Or they could be bipolar AND a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought bipolar disorder was really extreme -- like, taking your shoes and socks off and walking to Baltimore.

No, there are actually several types of bipolar disorder. Many people who are functional bipolars (and you'd be surprised how many of them there are) have bipolar disorder II which involve milder forms of hypomania (what I think OP's husband is going through) and depression. Bipolar I disorder is what most people think of when they hear bipolar, and that involves the extreme mood swings.

So being unreasonable, lazy or bad with money could be symptoms of being bipolar? I'm not being sarcastic. I think that's a pretty wide net.

Well no the actual diagnosis involves far more than someone being bad with money or lazy, etc. But the point was that bipolar disorder isn't just diagnosed in those who have crazy highs or crazy lows. Does the person cycle through periods of being on the go, getting a ton of stuff done, having lots of projects, and being involved in work with periods of skipping work, not doing much, letting projects go, not being involved? That would be a sign of a bipolar disorder. If a person is just constantly lazy or unreasonable and they don't go through cycles, well they might just be a jerk.

Or they could be bipolar AND a jerk.

Very true, but hopefully with the right combination of medication and actually taking the medication as prescribed, they would become less of a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Curious OP, how would you legally kick your DH out of a house you both own? I tried that with an exDW who was an abusive wife and mother and the court didn't buy it.

[Anonymous]

A few things here, from someone who's btdt.

-If he has a long history of depression (or other serious mental illness), he should never be on meds without ongoing behavioral talk therapy and regular (like quarterly) visits to a psychiatrist. Sounds like he needs a new shrink. Actually, he needs someone really good who can do a real assessment - is there ADD? Bipolar? So that's one set of ultimatums to give him.

-His parents are enabling him to not deal with his illness or family responsibilities, whether they know it or not. You need to have a discussion with them. You can be grateful for their help, but need to be clear with them that he hasn't made any progress job hunting.

-I really think you need to find a good therapist to help you come up with a plan and deal with all of this. There's no reason he should be not working and not dealing with the kids and house. You need to figure out what reasonable limits are, how to express this to him, and how much time to give him.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I hate to be so brutal, but I'd separate, until he gets his act together. Right now he has no incentive to get his act together, since you are doing everything. Let him have to move in with his parents and maybe he'll get off his ass. If not, then you are better off without him. He can still be involved with your kids, but you need a partner, and he's not that right now.

[Anonymous]

He is expecting you to treat his basement spreadsheet review the same way you would treat a job he was being paid for that consumed that many hours. It's not the same thing.

The agreement we have always had was that the person who doesn't have to get up and go to work in the morning handles the lion's share of the housework, the child duties (even if that is taking the child to daycare), the cooking and the home maintenance stuff. If that person is out of work involuntarily, then they also dedicate significant time to finding work. We have both been in this position at various times.

If I had a one and a half year old whose needs I was 100% responsible for when my husband was occupied with non-paying work on his computer in another area of the house and was unavailable for help with anything, I would be absolutely livid. He is not contributing to your family at all.

[Anonymous]

From long experience with a basement-lurking bipolar, I can tell you, OP, he's got the spreadsheets open, and but is probably spending most of his time medicating with porn or online sex or something. This is what they do. He's stuck.

Find out what really is going on. Go with him to the pdoc. Tell him it's time to change they way he's doing things and get unstuck. He has to get out of the basement, too. Does he know you're at the end of your rope?

[Anonymous]

NP here but have also BTDT. Whatever your DH is doing in the basement is a self-medicating behavior. It could very well be that he's reviewing spreadsheets but I tend to think it's porn/video games/internet as a PP suggested. It's also avoidant behavior that allows him to do what he's supposed to around the house/kids. That needs to change no matter his medication status.

My DH suffers from depression/ADHD and is currently unemployed. To keep him on track and focused, I provide him a list of things that need to be done - it's pretty detailed because with the ADHD, he will often miss the little things (like give DS his own ADHD medication before he leaves for school). In the beginning, he also completed an Activity Log. People like him don't have a good concept of time. He thought he was just taking 20 minutes to check email and the sports scores. When he kept the log, he realized it was 2 hours. He didn't have a good understanding of how he was spending his time and the internet was a major time suck. He also started setting the timer on his watch so he could pick the kids up on time.

I suggest you have a discussion with him regarding this and come to an agreement and some deadlines. After putting it into practice, you'll also have a better understanding if his meds are still effective. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, with your update, I would go to him with some deadlines. Basically you can't continue to shoulder being the solo breadwinner + only active parent and you're at the end of your rope. So you need DH to give a little. He has one week to decide whether he's going to work whatever part time work he can find until a longer-term solution comes through OR he's going to commit to being a SAHD and start the transition by being the one to drop the kids off, pick them up, and fix dinner every work day for the next two weeks. He can wean himself off full time childcare over the course of a couple months.

If he chooses the part time route, he needs to sign up with 3 temp agencies that week and reply to at least one consultancy advertisement each week.

I think this is extremely fair.

I would add that you need some sort of household duty split while he isn't working but is signing up with temp agencies and what things look like when you are both working full-time. If he feels he is struggling with his responsibilities (job search, household, child care duties) you can suggest if he can't figure it out on his own within a reasonable amount of time, he seeks professional help to get him there.

Good luck. On the other side of the fence where I likely have undiagnosed ADD. It is important that DH holds me to certain responsibilities and believe it or not that helps me. Having to deal with consequences (disappointed children if I don't sign up for XYZ activity on time), knowing I can't be late for pick up, tripping over toys if I don't get the kids to clean up, has forced me to figure out things. I know if things get to a certain point that I can't uphold my responsibilities, I have to seek help or it would threaten my marriage. I hate to say it but if I got a pass, I would probably take advantage of it because it is easier for me.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Is he getting interviews? Is he networking? I know people who've been looking for work for 1, 2 even 3 years. They aren't calling this the Great Recession for nothing. His parents are helping and you want to kick him out? Run the numbers on maintaining two households.
OMG give him two weeks to find a job? Lunacy!
Whole Foods has 1,000 applications on file.

[Anonymous]

He's in the basement watching porn. I would put up with this BS for 3 months tops.

[Anonymous]

Every time some one behaves like a lazy selfish ass does not mean they are mentally ill! Sometimes they are just lazy and selfish!

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to take charge of this situation. I know it feels impossible on top of full time work and all the child responsibilities, but it seems you are at a crisis point. Your DH's car idea is a read red flag.

You need to tell the in-laws to make their child care payments contingent on your DH doing certain things -- going to therapy once a week, for example, agreeing to do a list of daily chores (picking up the kids twice daily, doing two loads of laundry a day, making breakfast and dinner, picking up the family room, etc.) or something YOU determine.

You have to leave your DH out of the equation at this point. He is not functioning at anywhere near a normal level.

Have you checked the history on his computer? Install a spy program if you want to find out what he's really doing down there. You'll be shocked, I'm sure, if you think he's analyzing spread sheets. He most assuredly is not.

I have some experience with a DH who can't find a job. It's exhausting, and shows he's stuck. My DH did finally take a job when it was clear he was going to get kicked out of his former (hated) job. Before that, he was focused on finding the "perfect" job, which was never going to happen in this miserable recession. Your DH may be suffering from a similar delusion regarding his job prospects.

You have to proceed one step at a time, but start step one now. If his parents won't work with you, that will make it more difficult, but you can do things like take away or lock his computer (once you find out what he's doing), insist he do child care, or find some kind of work (part time, temp, anything) within a certain brief time period, insist he go to a new therapist (you can help him find one), and insist that he get a new evaluation of his meds.

If you do all of these things, and still nothing has changed, then you must make plans to separate, if you can no longer tolerate the situation. But I'd wait until the situation is hopeless, and it is not there yet. I hope your in-laws will understand and make their financial gifts more restricted, but if they don't, at least your DH can move in with them.

I would go completely crazy in your situation, but I can understand how it could go on for so long. It is very, very hard to find a job in this current economic climate, and if you have anything working against you (mental illness in this case) it's 100 times more difficult.

And you are like the frog in the pot who doesn't notice the water getting hotter. But the water is boiling, and you have to jump out. Now, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, given that every marriage is different, but the way you describe it, I don't hear the emotional commitment from you. Because I cannot imagine doing that to my husband. I'd make sure
there is no underlying psychological issue. It is tough to be unemployed for that long and the employers are not calling back. Either you are in it for the long haul or you did not have much of a marriage to begin with.

I think it ironic that you wish that you could do the same and stay at home, if the roles were reversed.