At what point would you kick a spouse out?

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't avoid the issue forever. Stop enabling his behavior. Have a talk with him and tell him you are no longer willing to be the sole breadwinner and the primary childcare provider. Let him know you refuse to continue to live this way. Then tell him unless he finds a job in X weeks or months, you feel you need to separate.

DH has a mental health issues as well and I understand the desire to try to be patient and let him avoid responsibility. But at the end of the day, it is his responsibility to take care of himself. I can encourage him to go to therapy, give him the number of some good providers, and listen to his concerns and anxiety about treatment. But he has to make the appointment and follow through with treatment because I refuse to live with someone with an untreated mental disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, something needs to change. His job search is a failure in its current state and continuing to "work" at it for 60 hours a week in isolation (as if he's not just watching porn the whole time) is an incredible drag on the family. He needs to contribute financially somehow and if it's not through having a job then child care is the obvious choice(do you trust him with the kids?).

What if you pulled the kids from day care starting next month? Gives him 2 weeks to find another job or way to make money and if he can't then he's on SAHD duty. You will happily cover the kids enough for him to continue his ""job search"" 1-2 hours a day of course.

The problem with this is that if the meds are no longer working to help whatever mental health issues he has, then this isn't going to work. If he's suffering from clinical depression, or if he is in a depressive state as someone with bipolar, none of this will work. The most important thing is getting him rescreened and getting meds working again.

pp here. you have a point, but I wonder if you have ever been in OP's DH's position of being in a hole. I have. You have to change EVERYTHING. You can't just change one thing about your meds and then go back to your man cave and ""job search"" for two weeks until your next appointment and try to figure out if you feel any different. His family needs him NOW. OP didn't put an end date on this 1.5 years ago as she shoudl have but now she needs to change the terms on him. ITA that going back to his doc to treat his mental illness would be part of what he'd do in response. When he comes and posts "my DW had been handling everything while I m'd in the basement all day but now she's making me take care of the kids if I don't get a job in 2 weeks" you can tell him to go back to his doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excuse me? What do you mean, kick him out? If you're done with the marriage, YOU leave.

^^Well if I'm paying the rent and I'm the main caretaker for our children, it doesn't work that way.

You still can't just "kick him out" of the marital home. And it doesn't sound like you are the main caretaker, it sounds like they are at daycare all day, which his parents pay for.

Not excusing any of his behavior, just saying...

[Anonymous]

OP Here - So what if I told you I don't really think he's depressed - or not more depressed than normal? He has a major outburst about 2x a month, but i don't consider that totally out of character for him. He is in a reasonable mood much of the time. He just hasn't found work, and doesn't seem to grasp the reality of what this means long term for our lives. He actually started talking about buying a new car because he is embarrassed about his old one. He would use money out of savings - that was largely accumulated when he made some big bucks - but I was incredulous. I mean can you imagine going to visit your parents in a new car when they are paying your daycare bills? But the point is, I don't know that the meds aren't working, and they are not the kind of meds you can tinker with easily. He isn't crying in the basement or anything... he's analyzing spreadsheets to stay current in his industry, just not getting paid for it. I think the car thing might be what made me come to the kicking him out option in my head.... Am I missing major signs?

[Anonymous]

If he is depressed, then the problem with "working" in the basement solo for 60 hours a week is actually exacerbating his depression. He'd probably feel a lot better if he had a daily routine, got out of the house, etc. Sometimes the solution to depression is a job. Not always, but sometimes it is and in this case, sounds like it might be.

I might give him another month to find a part time/short-term consulting gig or to get some hours through a temp agency. If he's not willing to do even that, then I honestly don't know how I'd manage; you can't just enable some one's self-destructive behavior indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

Actually I think the whole car thing and not thinking clearly are major signs. I also think sitting in the basement for 60 hrs a week analyzing spreadsheets to stay current sounds a bit obsessive. Although it might help to know what kind of mental health issues he has. Those two would be red flags for me if he suffered from something like bipolar disorder.

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you want him to SAHD?

Why are his parents so willing to enable you all? If you were paying those childcare bills your tune would be pretty different. Are both his parents equally willin gor can you appeal to one who is more reluctant to cut you all off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - So what if I told you I don't really think he's depressed - or not more depressed than normal? He has a major outburst about 2x a month, but i don't consider that totally out of character for him. He is in a reasonable mood much of the time. He just hasn't found work, and doesn't seem to grasp the reality of what this means long term for our lives. He actually started talking about buying a new car because he is embarrassed about his old one. He would use money out of savings - that was largely accumulated when he made some big bucks - but I was incredulous. I mean can you imagine going to visit your parents in a new car when they are paying your daycare bills? But the point is, I don't know that the meds aren't working, and they are not the kind of meds you can tinker with easily. He isn't crying in the basement or anything... he's analyzing spreadsheets to stay current in his industry, just not getting paid for it. I think the car thing might be what made me come to the kicking him out option in my head.... Am I missing major signs?

I wonder how will this appear on his resume? Spent 1.5 years in basement analyzing spreadsheets?

[Anonymous]

Those two would be red flags for me if he suffered from something like bipolar disorder.
^^You named it. So I'm wondering now if I'm just totally late to this party and we need a major mental health intervention (?) I feel like this has snuck up on me.
I was very pregnant when he lost his job, and then finally kind of got in a groove with the new little person and the sleeping, and I kept thinking he would get an offer. I just don't feel like his day-to-day mental state is that off, but maybe I'm missing the forest for the trees.

Thank you so much to all for the advice. I'm actually - surprisingly - very glad I posted.

[Anonymous]

I thought bipolar disorder was really extreme -- like, taking your shoes and socks off and walking to Baltimore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those two would be red flags for me if he suffered from something like bipolar disorder.
^^You named it. So I'm wondering now if I'm just totally late to this party and we need a major mental health intervention (?) I feel like this has snuck up on me.
I was very pregnant when he lost his job, and then finally kind of got in a groove with the new little person and the sleeping, and I kept thinking he would get an offer. I just don't feel like his day-to-day mental state is that off, but maybe I'm missing the forest for the trees.

Thank you so much to all for the advice. I'm actually - surprisingly - very glad I posted.

OP, no I don't think you are late to the party. It sounds like your husband suffers from the type of bipolar where he does not have obvious highs and lows. But the impulsivity of wanting to buy a new car and not thinking about the cost, etc added to the obsessiveness of the spreadsheets sounds like he's in a manic phase. I'd drag him to the doctor in anyway you can. Bribe him, trick him, drag him kicking and screaming, whatever. I know the difficulty of tinkering with bipolar meds and how it isn't as easy as "here is a new pill, give it a try" but it is worth a shot. And don't blame yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, with your update, I would go to him with some deadlines. Basically you can't continue to shoulder being the solo breadwinner + only active parent and you're at the end of your rope. So you need DH to give a little. He has one week to decide whether he's going to work whatever part time work he can find until a longer-term solution comes through OR he's going to commit to being a SAHD and start the transition by being the one to drop the kids off, pick them up, and fix dinner every work day for the next two weeks. He can wean himself off full time childcare over the course of a couple months.

If he chooses the part time route, he needs to sign up with 3 temp agencies that week and reply to at least one consultancy advertisement each week.

I think this is extremely fair.

[Anonymous]

ugh, don't put this in a mental health box and continue not to deal with his issues. So he's bipolar. He's clearly relatively stable on his current meds (if he told you he was thinking of buying the car--instead of buying the car first--he's not manic yet). Maybe they need tweaking and maybe they don't. But he has a personality beyond his illness, not to mention enabling parents, and those are not working to the benefit of your family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought bipolar disorder was really extreme -- like, taking your shoes and socks off and walking to Baltimore.

No, there are actually several types of bipolar disorder. Many people who are functional bipolars (and you'd be surprised how many of them there are) have bipolar disorder II which involve milder forms of hypomania (what I think OP's husband is going through) and depression. Bipolar I disorder is what most people think of when they hear bipolar, and that involves the extreme mood swings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought bipolar disorder was really extreme -- like, taking your shoes and socks off and walking to Baltimore.

No, there are actually several types of bipolar disorder. Many people who are functional bipolars (and you'd be surprised how many of them there are) have bipolar disorder II which involve milder forms of hypomania (what I think OP's husband is going through) and depression. Bipolar I disorder is what most people think of when they hear bipolar, and that involves the extreme mood swings.

So being unreasonable, lazy or bad with money could be symptoms of being bipolar? I'm not being sarcastic. I think that's a pretty wide net.