At what point would you kick a spouse out?

[Anonymous]

DH has been unemployed for about 1.5 years. We have maintained full-time childcare, using funds from his parents, the entire time so he can focus on his job search. He spends ~60 hours a week in the basement "working" -- so can't help with dinner, baths, bedtime, etc. He does pitch in with snow days and things like that. He does not want to take care of the kids full time (and I don't want him to be a stay at home dad permanently). At what point do I tell him he either needs to get a job paying more than our childcare costs, or he needs to move out (probably in with his parents). If he moves out, I'm sure his parents will stop paying for our daycare expenses, so it would be a net loss for me financially, but theoretically he would actually just GET A JOB and the issue would be solved. I do love him and want to stay married, but am unwilling to support a man indefinitely. Is there a time cutoff? Am I jumping the gun at 1.5 years? My resentment is going through the roof. He has potential to be a high earner and in other circumstances would be happy for me to be a SAHM (but I would of course actually be taking care of our kids).

[Anonymous]

Has he been screened for depression? The holing up in the basement for so long, not participating in anything + long term job loss is a recipe for depression, imo.

I would not kick out a spouse until I had tried to get him the help he needs, whether psychological (counseling), medical, or resume help/whatever.

I think I probably would have started this at 3-6 months though--you're long overdue to do SOMETHING.

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to him about any of this? Does he understand that you are at your wit's end? Is he depressed? Does he really WANT to find a job?

[Anonymous]

Before you start the talk of throwing him out, I'd make sure he gets screened for depression first. I know several people who have been out of work for awhile and a couple of them are suffering from crippling depression. Anyways, I'd just make sure to rule that out before you kick him out since getting him treated for depression might help him get motivated to get a job.

[Anonymous]

Excuse me? What do you mean, kick him out? If you're done with the marriage, YOU leave.

[Anonymous]

He has been treated for a mental health disorder for many years. He is on a slew of drugs but is not presently seeing a therapist. I try to talk about the job search but it's one of those where everything I say is wrong and leads to a fight. I know fighting may be necessary, but the big fights are what send me into a more depressed state.

[Anonymous]

Excuse me? What do you mean, kick him out? If you're done with the marriage, YOU leave.

^^Well if I'm paying the rent and I'm the main caretaker for our children, it doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has been treated for a mental health disorder for many years. He is on a slew of drugs but is not presently seeing a therapist. I try to talk about the job search but it's one of those where everything I say is wrong and leads to a fight. I know fighting may be necessary, but the big fights are what send me into a more depressed state.

I wonder if the meds are no longer working. Can you convince him to see someone to try to rework them? The fact that he's had a mental health disorder for years makes me think that he might have fallen into that hole again.

[Anonymous]

Well, I hate the idea of breaking up a marriage when there are kids. (I'm seriously considering this myself, so I know how you feel, and understand what it means to live in a less than great marital situation).


I think he needs to be involved with the family from the time you and the kids get home. He needs to get out of the basement then. Help with dinner, or play with the kids while you do dinner. Divvie up bed and bath routine. If he's not willing to do that, then I'd really start thinking of separation, because he's just not part of the family as it is. And you shouldn't have to do everything. You should get your down time too.

I'd try that first, in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has been treated for a mental health disorder for many years. He is on a slew of drugs but is not presently seeing a therapist. I try to talk about the job search but it's one of those where everything I say is wrong and leads to a fight. I know fighting may be necessary, but the big fights are what send me into a more depressed state.

I wonder if the meds are no longer working. Can you convince him to see someone to try to rework them? The fact that he's had a mental health disorder for years makes me think that he might have fallen into that hole again.

This. Drag him back to the doctor if that's what it takes, and see if you can find something that works better. It is not uncommon to have to adjust dosages or prescriptions each year. You all owe it to yourselves to try it.

Would he listen to his parents if they tried to get him to a doctor? Normally I'm not at all a fan of airing dirty laundry to family, but it sounds like they're pretty involved in it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Seems like his parents should be the ones giving him that talk. How long are they imagining they will support him staying in the basement all day by paying his child care expenses? Enablers....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excuse me? What do you mean, kick him out? If you're done with the marriage, YOU leave.

^^Well if I'm paying the rent and I'm the main caretaker for our children, it doesn't work that way.

Agree. Also, who's "done" with the marriage is often rather vague. When one person gives up and hunkers down in the basement, you could look at that as being "done" as well. It's just not a good test for who should leave and who should stay.

OP…there should have been a timeline for all this, where you agreed that say, DH would look for work for a specified period of time, (say 3 months) then if unsuccessful, there should be a Plan B…work Plan B for a specified period of time, then Plan C.
So any plan should be like a decision tree, with set time periods at each node. Dates as triggers are very important.

You don't have this in place and are doing ok off his parent's and your salary, so your DH has no sense of urgency. In his mind this could go on forever (clearly he doesn't get it that you are at the end of your rope with him).

So what I'm reading is that your first plan to establish a sense of urgency is happening now, and it is to throw him out.

I hear you. This is one option and I don't know if it's the right one or not, only you know. But please remember that it was the lack of prior planning on both your parts that got you to this place.

Another option is to sit down and put in place a plan starting now --the same type of plan, OP, that should have happened 1.5 years ago. Sit with him and come up with it. And you know, OP, it's ok to have one of those decision nodes be that if the plan is not followed etc, then by set date, "DH moves out."

Creating what's called "a fading opportunity" is a great motivator. It's the stick part of "the carrot and the stick." He needs something external to motivate him because in this economy the carrots are hard to come by.

BTW one of those decision tree nodes can be "get checked for depression," or "couple's therapist."

Good luck, OP! You have been very patient.

[Anonymous]

Well, something needs to change. His job search is a failure in its current state and continuing to "work" at it for 60 hours a week in isolation (as if he's not just watching porn the whole time) is an incredible drag on the family. He needs to contribute financially somehow and if it's not through having a job then child care is the obvious choice(do you trust him with the kids?).

What if you pulled the kids from day care starting next month? Gives him 2 weeks to find another job or way to make money and if he can't then he's on SAHD duty. You will happily cover the kids enough for him to continue his ""job search"" 1-2 hours a day of course.

[Anonymous]

My husband was underemployed (working less than half time, earning about 1/4 of his previous salary) and the resentment really grew on me as well. I understand where you're coming from OP. It never occurred to me kick him out (although he did more of the household & all back up childcare, so he was pulling more of his weight than your DH), but I did at one point say, look financially we can't keep this up. We're barely making our bills, some months we're living beyond on our means, so if you don't have something lined up in the next two months, we just can't afford full time childcare anymore so DD will have to be home with you until something finally does come through. He didn't take it well of course but I said - look I don't want you to be a SAHD if that's not what you want, but looking at the numbers, I don't see a way to keep this up. Take a look at them yourself, maybe you'll see something I don't. If we can really afford it, I'll agree.

He looked at the numbers and couldn't manipulate them to make it work. So he found two more part time gigs - some weeks working 30 hrs, some weeks 60 - and another year later, he finally had a normal, fully salaried job again. The 3 part time jobs added up to enough to cover childcare, so we kept it and I think DH was a lot happier with that than he would have been staying home.

If your DH is suffering from some mental illness, I'd demand that he seek treatment, come up with a plan for how he's going to productively contribute to the family everyday, and take it from there. If he's really mentally ill, then he's not fit to watch the kids full time so your options may be more limited than mine were but kicking him out wouldn't be my first step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, something needs to change. His job search is a failure in its current state and continuing to "work" at it for 60 hours a week in isolation (as if he's not just watching porn the whole time) is an incredible drag on the family. He needs to contribute financially somehow and if it's not through having a job then child care is the obvious choice(do you trust him with the kids?).

What if you pulled the kids from day care starting next month? Gives him 2 weeks to find another job or way to make money and if he can't then he's on SAHD duty. You will happily cover the kids enough for him to continue his ""job search"" 1-2 hours a day of course.

The problem with this is that if the meds are no longer working to help whatever mental health issues he has, then this isn't going to work. If he's suffering from clinical depression, or if he is in a depressive state as someone with bipolar, none of this will work. The most important thing is getting him rescreened and getting meds working again.