Is it ever reasonable for a woman to want to conceive a child with a married man?

[Anonymous]

If a couple is legally and actually separated (that is, separate dwellings, separate finances, kids have been told there is no chance of reconciliation, divorce proceedings well underway) then maybe I'd be OK with that.

But then I think that sleeping with a man under the circumstances you describe or discussing a long term relationship with a man under the circumstances you describe is both stupid and immoral. I wouldn't want a child to be born to a couple with those morals.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks. The woman is not pregnant, but they are trying to conceive, with the expectation that the divorce will take less than 9 months to be final. I did start a thread about her recently, in which I talked about the weird arrangement he and his wife are planning -- the kids will stay with the wife, and he will visit a couple of times a month -- and, even thought it wasn't her idea or her decision, the woman is happy about this plan because she doesn't want to be a step mother. Most (not all) posters agreed with my impression that it was a bizarre plan.

I care about her situation because I had named her as a guardian for my kids should something happen to me and my DH. When I mentioned that in the previous thread, most posters suggested that I consider a new guardian. We have really struggled with this issue because, despite appearances, she has always been an absolutely wonderful aunt to my kids, and a great person overall (at least prior to this affair) but this affair has revealed a side of her that I never expected to witness. We had decided to wait before changing guardians, as there is no clear alternative. But I just found out about their plan to actively try to conceive a baby before the divorce is final, and I am again troubled by her decision making process. It's as if she is different person when it comes to this affair. I am trying to think that, given her inexperience with matters of the heart, she is just being a temporary fool, and that she will at some point wake up. But perhaps I am being too optimistic and a charitable explanation to her behavior might be too unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a couple is legally and actually separated (that is, separate dwellings, separate finances, kids have been told there is no chance of reconciliation, divorce proceedings well underway) then maybe I'd be OK with that.

But then I think that sleeping with a man under the circumstances you describe or discussing a long term relationship with a man under the circumstances you describe is both stupid and immoral. I wouldn't want a child to be born to a couple with those morals.

Yeah, this is pretty much how I think, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the woman is single, if she loves the married man and vice versa, if they are planning a future together, if the married man is separated* (living under the same roof as the wife but in separate rooms* while they prepare to inform their young kids about the upcoming divorce), if the man and his wife are indeed planning to divorce amicably* and have begun the divorce process*, and if the woman is concerned about her biological clock and doesn't want to wait for the divorce to be final, is it within the realm of reason for the woman to want and actively try to conceive a child with the married man (and for the married man to agree)? Or is it simply screwed up, crazy, stupid and selfish?

(*unverified beyond man's words and actions, but in all likelihood apparent to be true).

One word...Ritalin.
Get a prescription and get on it ASAP you have serious impulsivity issues

[Anonymous]

In many states (MD & VA), a married couple must be separated one year before even filing. In the best case, it takes 18-24months to finalize a divorce.

I think you can wait to change guardians until she is pregnant and in a bad situation or lives with him. For now, say your peace tactfully and distance yourself.

This is what I would say, "Sis, I love you dearly and don't want to see you get hurt. This man you are with, should treat you with respect by ending his marriage before trying to have kids with you. Remember, I will always be there for you but I worry for you"

[Anonymous]

Thanks. That conversation already took place, with little result. She won't hear anything she doesn't want to hear.

I can see a situation where our family relation normalizes and where I can even keep her as a guardian, depending on how things go. However, I cannot see a situation where I can be at peace knowing that, if something happened to me and DH, the married man would become the father figure to my kids. As I said, she is fundamentally a good person, doing stupid things out of desperation. On the other hand, while I don't think he is a bad person (and don't think he is lying to her), I obviously don't have a good impression about him. Leaving aside the fact that he has rushed into a relationship with her in a very selfish manner (perhaps as an escape to what appears to be a miserable marriage), he has shown little regards for his own kids' emotional well being. How in the world can I trust that, if he were to become her husband, he will be a good role model to my kids? That is perhaps what troubles me the most.

[Anonymous]

Just find someone else to be your kids' guardian. She'll find out when you're dead and the will is read.

[Anonymous]

Oh man I remember that other thread. The real concern here is her almost pathological lack of concern for the kids, and her stated unwillingness to be a stepmother. How is she going to feel when he goes and stays at the other family's house when she has an infant?

[Anonymous]

DH here: it is obviously both immoral and a terrible idea. It's also incredibly hot. lol

[Anonymous]

Reasonable? No.

Insane? Yes.

Honey, if he'll do it to her, he'll do it to you. Good luck with all that.

[Anonymous]

No. Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man I remember that other thread. The real concern here is her almost pathological lack of concern for the kids, and her stated unwillingness to be a stepmother. How is she going to feel when he goes and stays at the other family's house when she has an infant?

She sees no problem with it. More or less in her words, "it's good that he goes take care of his kids twice a month. That way, I can keep part of my independence." I think it's a self-centered (and overly optimistic) answer, to say the least. That is the point: everything is self-centered. As I mentioned, if I had been asked before the affair, I would have said that she is a wonderful person and the best aunt in the world. I don't know why she is thinking so selfishly. I think she waited too long to live this -- a strong relationship with whom she calls "the man of her life." She now wants to live things she never experienced in the past, and doesn't want to wait. I am sure she wishes the best for his kids, but right know they are not the priority -- her new experiences are her priority. At the appropriate time, would she be able and willing to be a loving stepmother? I do think so, but obvio

We can't easily change guardians because, despite these flaws, we don't see an alternative person whom we could trust with our kids.

[Anonymous]

^^ but obviously this is not the case now.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. Perhaps if the man is verifiably legally separated. Also, how does the man in question feel about the woman getting pregnant? No matter what the circumstances, he must be 100% on board.

[Anonymous]

I would give up on reasoning w/ this woman and I would find another guardian. You can't save people from themselves, but you sure can save your children from having to grow up w/ her.