Is it ever reasonable for a woman to want to conceive a child with a married man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are really obsessing over this guardian thing. The chances of you and your dh both dying at the same time is pretty slim. Does it happen? Yes, of course. Is it likely to happen, no.

Everyone has faults, everyone has baggage. If this woman is the best person you have to fall back on if a tragedy should strike, then so be it.

If she is basically a good person who genuinely loves, knows and spends time w/your kids that is the important thing. Of course, if she opts to detonate a bomb in her own life by involving herself with a married man and conceiving his child...her relationship with your kids might change and you might need to make other arrangements for guardianship. Good luck.

You are in complete disagreement with 9:03 a couple of posts above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are really obsessing over this guardian thing. The chances of you and your dh both dying at the same time is pretty slim. Does it happen? Yes, of course. Is it likely to happen, no.

Everyone has faults, everyone has baggage. If this woman is the best person you have to fall back on if a tragedy should strike, then so be it.

If she is basically a good person who genuinely loves, knows and spends time w/your kids that is the important thing. Of course, if she opts to detonate a bomb in her own life by involving herself with a married man and conceiving his child...her relationship with your kids might change and you might need to make other arrangements for guardianship. Good luck.

You are in complete disagreement with 9:03 a couple of posts above.

Mainly because we are talking in so many "if" terms - if this woman conceives a child, if this man doesn't leave his wife and marry this woman, if Op & her husband suddenly die at the same time. There is a reason why the Op and her husband chose this particular Aunt to act as a guardian for their kids. If the Op and her husband think things have changed and this lady is no longer a good candidate for guardianship - they can go on from there. But to pass judgement on this woman and her choices is not very fair. This guy could leave his wife, could marry this lady and have a baby together. That is possible too ya know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are really obsessing over this guardian thing. The chances of you and your dh both dying at the same time is pretty slim. Does it happen? Yes, of course. Is it likely to happen, no.

Everyone has faults, everyone has baggage. If this woman is the best person you have to fall back on if a tragedy should strike, then so be it.

If she is basically a good person who genuinely loves, knows and spends time w/your kids that is the important thing. Of course, if she opts to detonate a bomb in her own life by involving herself with a married man and conceiving his child...her relationship with your kids might change and you might need to make other arrangements for guardianship. Good luck.

You are in complete disagreement with 9:03 a couple of posts above.

Mainly because we are talking in so many "if" terms - if this woman conceives a child, if this man doesn't leave his wife and marry this woman, if Op & her husband suddenly die at the same time. There is a reason why the Op and her husband chose this particular Aunt to act as a guardian for their kids. If the Op and her husband think things have changed and this lady is no longer a good candidate for guardianship - they can go on from there. But to pass judgement on this woman and her choices is not very fair. This guy could leave his wife, could marry this lady and have a baby together. That is possible too ya know.

Just because it is possible doesn't mean it is likely (as you point out in your post about the likelihood of both parents dying at the same time). That said, OP should really consider if she wants her dc's to be subject to the sh** show this aunt's life will become if she follows through on her plans.

[Anonymous]

sure, i'll get pregnant by a married man if he's rich and i hated him and i can sue for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are really obsessing over this guardian thing. The chances of you and your dh both dying at the same time is pretty slim. Does it happen? Yes, of course. Is it likely to happen, no.

Everyone has faults, everyone has baggage. If this woman is the best person you have to fall back on if a tragedy should strike, then so be it.

If she is basically a good person who genuinely loves, knows and spends time w/your kids that is the important thing. Of course, if she opts to detonate a bomb in her own life by involving herself with a married man and conceiving his child...her relationship with your kids might change and you might need to make other arrangements for guardianship. Good luck.

You are in complete disagreement with 9:03 a couple of posts above.

Mainly because we are talking in so many "if" terms - if this woman conceives a child, if this man doesn't leave his wife and marry this woman, if Op & her husband suddenly die at the same time. There is a reason why the Op and her husband chose this particular Aunt to act as a guardian for their kids. If the Op and her husband think things have changed and this lady is no longer a good candidate for guardianship - they can go on from there. But to pass judgement on this woman and her choices is not very fair. This guy could leave his wife, could marry this lady and have a baby together. That is possible too ya know.

Just because it is possible doesn't mean it is likely (as you point out in your post about the likelihood of both parents dying at the same time). That said, OP should really consider if she wants her dc's to be subject to the sh** show this aunt's life will become if she follows through on her plans.

If this aunt suddenly becomes the legal parent of two little kids, I'll bet that man will SCRAM in a real hurry - problem solved. Thankfully that isn't likely to happen!!! Best wishes and good health to the Op.

[Anonymous]

OP here. FWIW, considering the info at hand, I think that the probability that he is genuine in his feelings, he will divorce and he and she will marry and have a baby (in whatever order), is well above 50%. I would even say it's the most likely scenario, at some point. Of course, I can be wrong (and perhaps I am being naive).

[Anonymous]

OP, you said "We can't easily change guardians because, despite these flaws, we don't see an alternative person whom we could trust with our kids."

Ok this is not on point with the original post question, but to answer the question behind this one…my DH and I have a crummy choice for guardianship of kids. And our parents are ancient or dead, and unlikely to survive until our kids reach 18.

So, we do a couple of things that may help us survive until adulthood, or maybe just make us *think* we are increasing our chances. If the whole family flies, we go together, but if it's just us adults, we take separate planes. Also I do the driving if we are going out on a date night, and I don't drink that night and I drive extremely carefully.

Also when I'm getting out of shape, the thought of my own death by unhealthiness and my kids going to our lame-ass designees is enough to keep me running or stopping me from ordering the lasagna.

No doubt some folks will think all this is ridiculous. However, what's important is both
1) reducing anxiety by increasing a perception of control, as much as
2) actually improving chances of survival.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She sees no problem with it. More or less in her words, "it's good that he goes take care of his kids twice a month. That way, I can keep part of my independence." I think it's a self-centered (and overly optimistic) answer, to say the least. That is the point: everything is self-centered. As I mentioned, if I had been asked before the affair, I would have said that she is a wonderful person and the best aunt in the world. I don't know why she is thinking so selfishly. I think she waited too long to live this -- a strong relationship with whom she calls "the man of her life." She now wants to live things she never experienced in the past, and doesn't want to wait. I am sure she wishes the best for his kids, but right know they are not the priority -- her new experiences are her priority. At the appropriate time, would she be able and willing to be a loving stepmother? I do think so, but obvio

We can't easily change guardians because, despite these flaws, we don't see an alternative person whom we could trust with our kids.

Once she has an infant she won't want him to leave so his other kids will be seriously short-changed.
No one is thinking about them, not even their own mother who dreamed up this ridiculous plan.

Don't be such a doomsday prophet. Lots of men remarry and go on to have happy lives. Obviously a new sibling means older siblings are short changed. Inheritance is divided equally between the children.
I am sure they will all be fine.

[Anonymous]

If you are concerned that the money for your children might be mishandled by the guardian (or the guardian's future spouse), I'm pretty sure that you can set up a trust with a trustee that oversees how the children's money is being spent. Might be the way to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. FWIW, considering the info at hand, I think that the probability that he is genuine in his feelings, he will divorce and he and she will marry and have a baby (in whatever order), is well above 50%. I would even say it's the most likely scenario, at some point. Of course, I can be wrong (and perhaps I am being naive).

OP again. Just to clarify: This doesn't mean that they will have a emotionally healthy household situation, of course. And the plan for custody of his kids and her (their) rush to conceive suggests that they don't have that same value set that we do. So the "over 50%" likelihood I am assigning doesn't really address the concerns I have about her being guardian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. FWIW, considering the info at hand, I think that the probability that he is genuine in his feelings, he will divorce and he and she will marry and have a baby (in whatever order), is well above 50%. I would even say it's the most likely scenario, at some point. Of course, I can be wrong (and perhaps I am being naive).

OP again. Just to clarify: This doesn't mean that they will have a emotionally healthy household situation, of course. And the plan for custody of his kids and her (their) rush to conceive suggests that they don't have that same value set that we do. So the "over 50%" likelihood I am assigning doesn't really address the concerns I have about her being guardian.

I totally understand. If her situation is a worry to you then maybe it's better to find another person. Going from 0 to 3, 5+ kids would be pretty crazy..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Don't be such a doomsday prophet. Lots of men remarry and go on to have happy lives. Obviously a new sibling means older siblings are short changed. Inheritance is divided equally between the children.
I am sure they will all be fine.

Lots of men indeed remarry and go on to live happy lives. But not that many men disengage so quickly from his own kids (as discussed in the earlier thread about his weird plans for custody -- hence the short changing his kids) *and* agree to impregnate his new woman while still living under the same rush as his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Don't be such a doomsday prophet. Lots of men remarry and go on to have happy lives. Obviously a new sibling means older siblings are short changed. Inheritance is divided equally between the children.
I am sure they will all be fine.

Lots of men indeed remarry and go on to live happy lives. But not that many men disengage so quickly from his own kids (as discussed in the earlier thread about his weird plans for custody -- hence the short changing his kids) *and* agree to impregnate his new woman while still living under the same rush as his wife.

But if the timing makes sense for them, then what is wrong with it
And custody plans change as kids get older. Men do not need to disengage from their kids. Life goes on

[Anonymous]

This woman is going to live her life, fall in love with who she wants to fall in love with..

Remember Op could die tomorrow (sorry Op!) and Op's husband could wind up marrying a real loser or at least someone with a complicated personal life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Don't be such a doomsday prophet. Lots of men remarry and go on to have happy lives. Obviously a new sibling means older siblings are short changed. Inheritance is divided equally between the children.
I am sure they will all be fine.

Lots of men indeed remarry and go on to live happy lives. But not that many men disengage so quickly from his own kids (as discussed in the earlier thread about his weird plans for custody -- hence the short changing his kids) *and* agree to impregnate his new woman while still living under the same rush as his wife.

But if the timing makes sense for them, then what is wrong with it
And custody plans change as kids get older. Men do not need to disengage from their kids. Life goes on

You don't have all the background. This guy is still living at home and has shown no real signs of actually moving out. Their supposed plan is for the kids to stay with the mom FT, then dad will come stay at the house for visits. The new "wife" says she doesn't want any part in step parenting so the arrangement seems fine to her. Obviously this will become a trainwreck when the new "wife" decides she doesn't want him to leave the house for long stretches after she has the baby. And also prevents the kids from having any relationship with their half sibling - their dad would basically have a secret second family that they are not allowed to be part of. Fucked up all around.