When being less controlling means putting family at risk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess everyone on this forum has a perfect life and has made only good decisions! OP may have some issues, but she did go to therapy and try to figure them out. That's a credit to you OP. If people want to point out where she may be too hard on her husband, saying things like "you make me sick" are not useful and say more about the poster than about OP. Show a little kindness people. OP's control issues may not be attractive but neither is kicking someone while they're down.

The OP gets what she deserves here. Her examples are non-issues and she has a very delusional concept of her own importance. She not an asset to the marriage but instead a huge drag.

[Anonymous]

I have a different take on OPs issues than most of the PPs. I think she's admirable. She's gone to therapy to understand her control issues, is aware of how they affect her marriage, and is trying to sort out a constructive direction to take. That's what you're supposed to do when you recognize you have a problem.

I know someone who married a man she could control and is continuing to control him several years later. He's vulnerable because of his mental illness, and completely her puppet. It's horrible and sad. What OP is doing is the opposite of horrible.

OP, I hope you keep working on this. It's not surprising that your husband is reacting to your growth. Try not to feel discouraged. Maybe marriage counseling would be something he would consider so that you can work together to develop a more respectful partnership. Good luck, I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

This could be written by my DW....so I will defend my self:

1)small children & routines. I am a DH, and did not understand it why DD was small....you see, I was almost never given the chance to supervise DD alone. D?W was a SAM...I worked 10 hrs per day + 2 commuting. I would see DD for maybe one hour per day. On weekends, I would be told to take care of DD, and I did. But I did not know the schedule....sometimes things were great, sometimes horrible. 11 years later, DD & I have a great relationship.

2) Taking care of myself. I did not eat well. True. And, at 50, I have had angioplasty. And (for no apparent reason) I have cancer. That has cost us a lot of money. tens of thousands of dollars. But, we have good health insurance -- provided by me. And At its worst (this year) health bills were less than 5% of HHI.

3) Losing things...Yes I have lost my wallet...usually when I am harried. Usually on travel. I dealt with it -- did not bother you. (try renting a car with a lost wallet).

4) Health again....I used to think I was better at things then I was. But, when I knew things were bad, you lovely wife, were the only one that did not notice I was in trouble. And by bad, I mean severe Angina while on vacation. When I said I think I need to go to the hospital, I was told I am being dramatic, and not to ruin the vacation. I waited until we got home, and (during the angioplasty), found out I nearly complete blockage of the Left Anterior Descending Artery: the widowmaker.

I am still here. You are upstairs sleeping, while I get ready to go to work -- I am in moderate to severe pain from the surgeries for the cancer. But I am going to work. You are complaining because I did not plan anything for the two week vacation.

Meanwhile, I came back from a business trip (hard these days), and found the same dishes in the sink from the dinner I cooked before I left, only the dishes were green and fuzzy.

[Anonymous]

So much malarkey - the entire premise is a false dichotomy and badly flawed. The OP might be in a marriage with huge issues, and it's very nice that she's going/gone to therapy to work on it, but she's been identified and admits to being controlling. Being controlling is NEVER an acceptable thing with anyone. Children need adult supervision, but her husband isn't a child. OP herself says husband is capable of holding down a job and taking care of himself.

Moreover, she's probably been told her behavior is problematic - given her complete non-issues (lost wallet, getting a replacement CC? Seriously? Broken ankle?) - and contributing to the underlying marital problem. Nothing - NOTHING - she has cited suggests the husband is "putting the family at risk". Going skiing is an activity entire families undertake safely together. Yes, people get killed - very rarely - doing this - but they are also killed in car wrecks just going to the store - far far more frequently.

Sounds to me like OP herself is struggling and needs to keep others under her thumb - probably never counted on hubby growing and spreading his own wings and is now shitting bricks with anxiety about the thought she might not dominate the whole household.

I hope the husband doesn't completely bail - someone well adjusted needs to be around to protect the kids from the OP.

OP - go see a shrink and get some benzos to help control your anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP - your husband sounds spacey, like an absent minded professor. I'm a bit like this and my DH takes care of certain things for me and for others we have a system. The catch is your DH needs to recognize his shortcomings and accept some help and also be willing to do some work to improve. I have adult ADD and I do not take any medications. I find I can manage it by having a routine and having DH keep an eye on me when we are not on routine - like vacation.

I avoid caffiene and alcohol, exercise daily, and rarely drive to unfamiliar places alone. I always put the same things in the same place - I have a bowl at home for my keys and glasses for example. If I don't have them on me, they go in the bowl. I'm not sure what you can do about his impulsive behavior, but not losing and forgetting things is a start.

If you're the same OP who constantly has to go pick up her DH in Chinatown instead of him taking the metro, I think I already gave you this advice. If not - there is some woman in NoVa who is going through the same thing.

To all the people who think she unfairly treats her husband like a toddler - unless you've lived with an adult with ADD, you really don't understand. Her DH can't just change and be more responsible by sheer will. He will need some coaching to develop coping mechanisms to better navigate the world.

[Anonymous]

OP is a troll and is doing multiple postings as different people here. Can see right through it. Troll troll, go away!

[Anonymous]

Stay in therapy!

[Anonymous]

You guys are being super mean to OP. With limited info, it's a bit much to criticize so harshly. I am the one who is always losing my wallet and keys and phone, and I know what a pain I am. My dh is always rolling his eyes at me but is endlessly and surprisingly patient. And I am always apologetic. I also recognize that it can be costly and create problems. And in fact it is irresponsible and can be dangerous at times. I can see how OP can be frustrated and fed up. I get fed up with myself.

[Anonymous]

Op here- I am not a troll though I posted before on other issues in our marriage (not the Chinatown poster though).
Thanks everyone who responded kindly.
The problem is H is never apologetic, among other things. He is also pretty mean unless he has just screwed up...
But I get the hang of the thread, it can die now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTH is wrong with you DC women ? You marry shitbags and have children with them. I'm starting to think you all are the ones flawed. BIG TIME.

Not all of us! I have an awesome husband that I actually enjoy fucking. I just come to this site to watch the car crashes. It's a bad habit of mine.

Me too! It's like watching a terrible train wreck! You don't want to watch, but you do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I am not a troll though I posted before on other issues in our marriage (not the Chinatown poster though).
Thanks everyone who responded kindly.
The problem is H is never apologetic, among other things. He is also pretty mean unless he has just screwed up...
But I get the hang of the thread, it can die now.

Your stomach bug comment cracked me up. I agree on the benzos and possibly a mood stabilizer.

[Anonymous]

My DH is pretty much a disaster in certain areas: speeding/parking tickets, keeping track of finances, losing stuff (just lost another credit card), etc. It drives me CRAZY, yes. and perhaps I married for similar reasons too--to be the 'saviour' figure and to ensure that DH would always need me more than i need him. And in a way, its true, I'm more self-sufficient and capable of complex organizational stuff and handlign family things and multitasking. But DH has all these qualities I lack and that complement my strengths and weaknesses: he can make decisions and take charge in emergencies, he sticks up for me and our family, he will do pretty much anything for me or the kids (kid needs some tylenol? I need a ride to the airport at 5 am? I need that dry cleaning tonight? he will do it, uncomplainingly.). Plus he's smart, funny and loving. Because he has a lot of organizational challenges and flaws, and has grown up knowing that he 'fucks up' alot, he can get quite defensive--but at the same time, he is also very, very very accepting of my flaws. He almost never criticizes me, and I'm no saint. Neither are you OP--your husband has some weaknesses in areas that are your strenghts. But what about the reverse? Perhaps he is more loving, giving, attentive, accepting than you?

[Anonymous]

22:14

We have a winner winner chicken dinner !!

[Anonymous]

22:14, upon my therapist's request, I have been trying to find areas where I truly appreciate my H. I admit I have a hard time doing this.
He works regular hours, earns decent money (over 100k), he likes his profession and is good at it. He is pretty creative and handy when he wants to be, but this is very rare.
I think he was a lot like your DH when we got married- accepting, very soft, I never thought he would become so harsh later on, when the dynamics started changing due to childbirth and work situation. I think responsibility scares him, and my increased dependence on him kind of makes him "drunk", and he cannot really deal with this combination.
He is also pretty lazy and no way is he a partner in childrearing.

I thunk he can be a decent husband for someone who is strong and self sufficient, which I am increasingly becoming again, but I am not sure I can stay this way forever, nor can I forget the way he was when I wasn't strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:22:14, upon my therapist's request, I have been trying to find areas where I truly appreciate my H. I admit I have a hard time doing this.
He works regular hours, earns decent money (over 100k), he likes his profession and is good at it. He is pretty creative and handy when he wants to be, but this is very rare.
I think he was a lot like your DH when we got married- accepting, very soft, I never thought he would become so harsh later on, when the dynamics started changing due to childbirth and work situation. I think responsibility scares him, and my increased dependence on him kind of makes him "drunk", and he cannot really deal with this combination.
He is also pretty lazy and no way is he a partner in childrearing.

I thunk he can be a decent husband for someone who is strong and self sufficient, which I am increasingly becoming again, but I am not sure I can stay this way forever, nor can I forget the way he was when I wasn't strong.

I hope he divorces you. You sound like an absolute nightmare to be married to. I can't imagine being married to a complete and utter bitch like you.