When being less controlling means putting family at risk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most fathers I know, including DH, have less common sense than their wives, which translates to bad parenting decisions that sometimes put the child in some degree of danger, or lack of organizational skills that end up messing up the child's routine (meals and bedtime). These are serious issues especially when the child is young.

Yet they are all loving fathers and husbands, and highly intelligent in their chosen paid profession.

I sympathize with you OP.
Yet I make an effort to remember what DH brings to our team (equanimity, mental strength, no caving under pressure, critical thinking and deep knowledge of many useful and fascinating subjects, except parenting!).
And I DO NOT go to therapy to rein in my inner control freak! I need it to be a good parent!

I feel so sorry for your husband. I truly do. I probably feel worse for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H and I had some marital problems so I went to a therapist. He wouldn't go as he does not believe in therapy.
Long story short, I had to put therapy on hold for a number of reasons but this is what I now realize:
I married H as someone who is not very self sufficient so I could control him and thus try to feel less anxious. However this was pretty draining, plus as I got weaker and could not hold the reigns as tight, he became more and more protesting and started to do more and more of his own thing, which unfortunately led to some bad consequences as he truly is not very wise. At the same time therapy made me less controlling so I find it less and less possible and desirable to control him.

So now I end up realizing that I either stay controlling and keep him in check (which btw may not always be possible), or let him make a significant number of decisions and execute them, but often face not so great consequences (I am talking injuries, money loss, and the like on his part), and have to deal with it- since we are legally married (if not for other reasons).
I can leave him, but he makes good money and is a decent, if not great, dad to our preschooler.
As for our relationship, honestly he mostly irritates me, but I am able to keep semblance of amicable relationship by being a good friend and having sex from time to time. If it weren't for the child I would be out of here, like, yesterday. However the child's well being is at stake (I won't be able to afford the same level of financial security for him, I am afraid, even with child support).

Wwyd?

If I were him I would leave you

[Anonymous]

OP here- when I married him I knew he needed to be guided quite a bit. I was earning more than he was but I was on a long maternity leave, we moved twice, so I fell out of workforce and he advanced (not without my influence but I give him credit).
I actually found it comforting that he needed me, accepted my guidance, etc. However with a child in the mix it became less charming and more irritating, plus with a new dynamic (me being SAHM and then starting over basically), H became more and more "rebellious" in that he criticized my decisions or made his own decisions which were far from ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- when I married him I knew he needed to be guided quite a bit. I was earning more than he was but I was on a long maternity leave, we moved twice, so I fell out of workforce and he advanced (not without my influence but I give him credit).
I actually found it comforting that he needed me, accepted my guidance, etc. However with a child in the mix it became less charming and more irritating, plus with a new dynamic (me being SAHM and then starting over basically), H became more and more "rebellious" in that he criticized my decisions or made his own decisions which werel far from ideal.

What kind of injuries OP? Be specific

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- when I married him I knew he needed to be guided quite a bit. I was earning more than he was but I was on a long maternity leave, we moved twice, so I fell out of workforce and he advanced (not without my influence but I give him credit).
I actually found it comforting that he needed me, accepted my guidance, etc. However with a child in the mix it became less charming and more irritating, plus with a new dynamic (me being SAHM and then starting over basically), H became more and more "rebellious" in that he criticized my decisions or made his own decisions which were far from ideal.

Oh my God. I hope this man leaves you and can find happiness on day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take over the finances. Don't leave him alone with your child until your child is old enough to take care of him/her self.

Any damage he inflicts on himself is on him.

+1

To add - make sure he has a great life insurance policy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most fathers I know, including DH, have less common sense than their wives, which translates to bad parenting decisions that sometimes put the child in some degree of danger, or lack of organizational skills that end up messing up the child's routine (meals and bedtime). These are serious issues especially when the child is young.

Yet they are all loving fathers and husbands, and highly intelligent in their chosen paid profession.

I sympathize with you OP.
Yet I make an effort to remember what DH brings to our team (equanimity, mental strength, no caving under pressure, critical thinking and deep knowledge of many useful and fascinating subjects, except parenting!).
And I DO NOT go to therapy to rein in my inner control freak! I need it to be a good parent!

I feel so sorry for your husband. I truly do. I probably feel worse for your kids.

+1. Must be so tiresome to have your wife think she knows better than you in all aspects of parenting. Hint - just because it's not your way doesn't mean it's dangerous or bad parenting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take over the finances. Don't leave him alone with your child until your child is old enough to take care of him/her self.

Any damage he inflicts on himself is on him.

+1

To add - make sure he has a great life insurance policy

The damage cannot be on him only, we are family, there is no way out for me.
Say he goes skiing and overestimates his skills, breaks his ankle, is taken to ER, etc. I end up taking care of the child, driving H to work and doctor appointments, keeping track of all medical bills and being on it with insurance, etc.
Or say he goes on a day trip, loses his wallet. I need to come get him, with the kid in tow, plus deal with canceling and reordering credit cards (one of the cards is joint).
For some reason, things like this happen to him, not to me, and only when I am not around. And I don't want to, say, go skiing just to keep an eye on him if its nit my cup of tea.

[Anonymous]

Might he have adult ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take over the finances. Don't leave him alone with your child until your child is old enough to take care of him/her self.

Any damage he inflicts on himself is on him.

+1

To add - make sure he has a great life insurance policy

The damage cannot be on him only, we are family, there is no way out for me.
Say he goes skiing and overestimates his skills, breaks his ankle, is taken to ER, etc. I end up taking care of the child, driving H to work and doctor appointments, keeping track of all medical bills and being on it with insurance, etc.
Or say he goes on a day trip, loses his wallet. I need to come get him, with the kid in tow, plus deal with canceling and reordering credit cards (one of the cards is joint).
For some reason, things like this happen to him, not to me, and only when I am not around. And I don't want to, say, go skiing just to keep an eye on him if its nit my cup of tea.

LOL!

You do have issues OP. The situations you describe are run of the mill and could happen to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might he have adult ADHD?

He might. He would never agree to treatment though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take over the finances. Don't leave him alone with your child until your child is old enough to take care of him/her self.

Any damage he inflicts on himself is on him.

+1

To add - make sure he has a great life insurance policy

The damage cannot be on him only, we are family, there is no way out for me.
Say he goes skiing and overestimates his skills, breaks his ankle, is taken to ER, etc. I end up taking care of the child, driving H to work and doctor appointments, keeping track of all medical bills and being on it with insurance, etc.
Or say he goes on a day trip, loses his wallet. I need to come get him, with the kid in tow, plus deal with canceling and reordering credit cards (one of the cards is joint).
For some reason, things like this happen to him, not to me, and only when I am not around. And I don't want to, say, go skiing just to keep an eye on him if its nit my cup of tea.

LOL!

You do have issues OP. The situations you describe are run of the mill and could happen to anyone.

There are just too many of them.
In less than two years, he had three injuries requiring medical attention (fractures etc), lost his wallet once, and had an incident involving his car.
I, on the other hand, had only a stomach bug once in the past three years. I cannot afford being sick, injured, or financially screwed when I have a child to take care of.
Ok, maybe I have issues, but I feel like I am at the end of my rope. We have no family in the area, yet H keeps adding things to my plate instead of helping out. I am tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take over the finances. Don't leave him alone with your child until your child is old enough to take care of him/her self.

Any damage he inflicts on himself is on him.

+1

To add - make sure he has a great life insurance policy

The damage cannot be on him only, we are family, there is no way out for me.
Say he goes skiing and overestimates his skills, breaks his ankle, is taken to ER, etc. I end up taking care of the child, driving H to work and doctor appointments, keeping track of all medical bills and being on it with insurance, etc.
Or say he goes on a day trip, loses his wallet. I need to come get him, with the kid in tow, plus deal with canceling and reordering credit cards (one of the cards is joint).
For some reason, things like this happen to him, not to me, and only when I am not around. And I don't want to, say, go skiing just to keep an eye on him if its nit my cup of tea.

LOL!

You do have issues OP. The situations you describe are run of the mill and could happen to anyone.

There are just too many of them.
In less than two years, he had three injuries requiring medical attention (fractures etc), lost his wallet once, and had an incident involving his car.
I, on the other hand, had only a stomach bug once in the past three years. I cannot afford being sick, injured, or financially screwed when I have a child to take care of.
Ok, maybe I have issues, but I feel like I am at the end of my rope. We have no family in the area, yet H keeps adding things to my plate instead of helping out. I am tired.

Lost his wallet????? Run, OP, there are plenty of men who'd never lose sight of their wallet Seriously, you cite things that are out of his control. How about that stomach bug of your? Carefree much? Lack of personal hygiene?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take over the finances. Don't leave him alone with your child until your child is old enough to take care of him/her self.

Any damage he inflicts on himself is on him.

+1

To add - make sure he has a great life insurance policy

The damage cannot be on him only, we are family, there is no way out for me.
Say he goes skiing and overestimates his skills, breaks his ankle, is taken to ER, etc. I end up taking care of the child, driving H to work and doctor appointments, keeping track of all medical bills and being on it with insurance, etc.
Or say he goes on a day trip, loses his wallet. I need to come get him, with the kid in tow, plus deal with canceling and reordering credit cards (one of the cards is joint).
For some reason, things like this happen to him, not to me, and only when I am not around. And I don't want to, say, go skiing just to keep an eye on him if its nit my cup of tea.

LOL!

You do have issues OP. The situations you describe are run of the mill and could happen to anyone.

There are just too many of them.
In less than two years, he had three injuries requiring medical attention (fractures etc), lost his wallet once, and had an incident involving his car.
I, on the other hand, had only a stomach bug once in the past three years. I cannot afford being sick, injured, or financially screwed when I have a child to take care of.
Ok, maybe I have issues, but I feel like I am at the end of my rope. We have no family in the area, yet H keeps adding things to my plate instead of helping out. I am tired.

Lost his wallet????? Run, OP, there are plenty of men who'd never lose sight of their wallet Seriously, you cite things that are out of his control. How about that stomach bug of your? Carefree much? Lack of personal hygiene?

Well skiing on high risk slopes is not exactly out of control.

[Anonymous]

I guess everyone on this forum has a perfect life and has made only good decisions! OP may have some issues, but she did go to therapy and try to figure them out. That's a credit to you OP. If people want to point out where she may be too hard on her husband, saying things like "you make me sick" are not useful and say more about the poster than about OP. Show a little kindness people. OP's control issues may not be attractive but neither is kicking someone while they're down.