When being less controlling means putting family at risk
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Anonymous
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H and I had some marital problems so I went to a therapist. He wouldn't go as he does not believe in therapy.
Long story short, I had to put therapy on hold for a number of reasons but this is what I now realize: I married H as someone who is not very self sufficient so I could control him and thus try to feel less anxious. However this was pretty draining, plus as I got weaker and could not hold the reigns as tight, he became more and more protesting and started to do more and more of his own thing, which unfortunately led to some bad consequences as he truly is not very wise. At the same time therapy made me less controlling so I find it less and less possible and desirable to control him. So now I end up realizing that I either stay controlling and keep him in check (which btw may not always be possible), or let him make a significant number of decisions and execute them, but often face not so great consequences (I am talking injuries, money loss, and the like on his part), and have to deal with it- since we are legally married (if not for other reasons). I can leave him, but he makes good money and is a decent, if not great, dad to our preschooler. As for our relationship, honestly he mostly irritates me, but I am able to keep semblance of amicable relationship by being a good friend and having sex from time to time. If it weren't for the child I would be out of here, like, yesterday. However the child's well being is at stake (I won't be able to afford the same level of financial security for him, I am afraid, even with child support). Wwyd? |
Anonymous
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Your contempt for your husband comes through loud and clear. But yet you stay for the money?
That's charming. |
Anonymous
| Too vague, and like pp says, you seem to have a lot of contempt for your DH. |
Anonymous
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You are gross. From start to finish.
Your poor child. |
Anonymous
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Do the guy a favor and move out. Leave the child with him -- the child will be much better off. You'll just end up transferring your control freak impulses to your child, and the pattern will repeat itself.
So, in this order: Leave. Cede custody to the father. Find a job and work on yourself. |
Anonymous
| WTH is wrong with you DC women ? You marry shitbags and have children with them. I'm starting to think you all are the ones flawed. BIG TIME. |
Anonymous
Not all of us! I have an awesome husband that I actually enjoy fucking. I just come to this site to watch the car crashes. It's a bad habit of mine. |
Anonymous
+1 Be a good mom but this, yes. |
Anonymous
| OP here- I have a job but I am unlikely to out earn the father. |
Anonymous
He must not be *that* dumb if he can at least retain a good job and make a lot of money. Give him a little credit. What led you to marry him, if you despise him and the way he conducts his affairs? |
Anonymous
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She said she chose him as someone to control, and now she's learned to be less controlling, which is good, but he's still a boob, so now what should she do to minimize the damage he causes? Have some sympathy, people. Not everyone is perfect and marries Prince Charming.
If you can support yourself, and you can trust him with the child during visitation, then you might consider moving on. He may crash and burn, or he may find himself a new controlling woman, who may not be good to your child. Always a tough call when there are kids. . . . |
Anonymous
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Most fathers I know, including DH, have less common sense than their wives, which translates to bad parenting decisions that sometimes put the child in some degree of danger, or lack of organizational skills that end up messing up the child's routine (meals and bedtime). These are serious issues especially when the child is young.
Yet they are all loving fathers and husbands, and highly intelligent in their chosen paid profession. I sympathize with you OP. Yet I make an effort to remember what DH brings to our team (equanimity, mental strength, no caving under pressure, critical thinking and deep knowledge of many useful and fascinating subjects, except parenting!). And I DO NOT go to therapy to rein in my inner control freak! I need it to be a good parent! 
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Anonymous
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From what I can gather, you married him as an extra-credit school project, with your end-goal to "fix him". You've now realized he won't change, and you've got a child to boot. The fixing him has been a years-long effort, of which you're now drained and demoralized and he's not willing to change.
You think it will get easier as years move ahead? You'll only become more bitter and he'll only become more resentful. You can't trust him, and he doesn't trust and/or respect you. Cut the rope and move on. Then figure out why you felt and/or still feel the need to choose partners who aren't stable (personally, emotionally, professionally, etc). Recognize your style and patterns and make every effort to not employ the same tactics on your DC. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Take over the finances. Don't leave him alone with your child until your child is old enough to take care of him/her self.
Any damage he inflicts on himself is on him. |
Anonymous
We'll he's smarter than you, in that he performs you in the workplace. |