Age Guilt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What you have to realize, PP, is that when you become a parent, it's not about you anymore. Of course there is not an age limit to wanting to be a mother. But that is from the adult point of view. There is a reason, I believe, that nature has our fertility run out at a certain time. It is what is best for the CHILD that is important, not what the adults/ parents "want."

What you need to realize PP, is that having children is intrinsically a selfish proposition. The world does not need more humans. The world would actually be a much better place with a lot fewer human beings. A LOT. Nobody's genes are so special that they need to be passed on. Everybody who decides to have children is doing so to fulfill THEIR personal desire to be a parent, driven largely by our primitive, reptilian urge to procreate and pass on our genes.

Having kids is all about what the parents "want," so stop judging people for wanting their kids in a different timeframe than you wanted yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you don't say how old you are OP. Some people feel too old at 38. Others feel capable at 48. It's a pretty subjective thing.

I had twins at 44. I'm tired most of the time, I need reading glasses, and I worry about being ancient and retiring when they're just graduating from college.

On the other hand, I have a strong happy marriage, am financially stable and able to provide well for them, can afford great childcare and lots of time to spend with them, and they will always know how much we wanted them.

Other than my age, our kids hit the jackpot in terms of favorable conditions into which they were born.

Good luck - whatever you decide.

How old are your twins?

2 1/2

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What you have to realize, PP, is that when you become a parent, it's not about you anymore. Of course there is not an age limit to wanting to be a mother. But that is from the adult point of view. There is a reason, I believe, that nature has our fertility run out at a certain time. It is what is best for the CHILD that is important, not what the adults/ parents "want."

What you need to realize PP, is that having children is intrinsically a selfish proposition. The world does not need more humans. The world would actually be a much better place with a lot fewer human beings. A LOT. Nobody's genes are so special that they need to be passed on. Everybody who decides to have children is doing so to fulfill THEIR personal desire to be a parent, driven largely by our primitive, reptilian urge to procreate and pass on our genes.

Having kids is all about what the parents "want," so stop judging people for wanting their kids in a different timeframe than you wanted yours.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is a very hard decision. I would say that 42 is about the top for having a first child. You can check the thread am I too old old to have a baby at 41? and hear lots of opinions. What I notice about that is most of the posters are talking about having a baby or toddler. You are still a parent of young kids when your are in yours 50s. It is very hard. Your body slows down, you may have a health issue, your parents need care, college and retirement at the same time. Our financial security just went up in smoke of child care issues -- which are large and do not end with preschool-nanny. Those issues are real. Age is NOT just a number -- I wish it were!

One thing that is very hard is as you reach your mid 50s and early 60s, you are so out of touch with your contemporaries, who have already passed through HS, empty nest, college, and are facing the latter decades of life. The parents of your kids, who are your new contemporaries are in a very different place -- their 40s. Full of pep and at the height of their careers. It can be lonely that way.As for adopting a pair of older kids... wow, think before you leap. We too, had a very hard and long road through infertility, and we knew several people who adopted older children. If you thought infertility was a bear. It made us with a baby seem like a piece of cake. I love my late in life baby, now in MS, more than anything, but it is very very different than having them when you are young.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I'd say it depends. I have at least 6 very close friends my age who had babies anywhere from 35-44 (my kids were all born when I was in that range). Other good friends I've made since having kids are maybe 3-4 years younger than I am, not enough to feel like it's a gulf.

If I had stayed in my midwestern hometown, then I'd say yes, this is the case. But around the DC area it's been a mix and truly hasn't been a problem. And to be honest, many people whom I've met since my kids were born actually think I'm much younger than I am. My parents used to say kids made them young, and I guess I feel like it's the same for me.

Yes, we always want to believe that everyone thinks we're younger than we really are

[Anonymous]

I agree with the sentiment that many people have more stable life situations when they are a bit older and that can help ease some stressors associated with parenthood...however, I am in my late 30s and both of my parents (who had me later in life) are already dead and gone...frankly, it's rough, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the sentiment that many people have more stable life situations when they are a bit older and that can help ease some stressors associated with parenthood...however, I am in my late 30s and both of my parents (who had me later in life) are already dead and gone...frankly, it's rough, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

This point is made over and over on these threads and it just doesn't make sense to me. For the most part, we're talking about 5-15 year difference in what age people have kids, but people will die at all kinds of ages. My husband's father died at 57; my dad just turned 80. My cousin had kids young, but was diagnosed with MS in his 40s and is headed for a wheelchair in his 50s. Nobody can predict how long they'll live, or how well they'll age.

You said that you're in your late 30s and your parents have already passed away. That is sad, of course, but how much more time do you "gain" by having younger parents? Five years? Ten? People get all up in arms about having kids at 40 vs 35, and seriously, it's not going to make THAT much of a difference on the "grandparent" end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what bothers me: Too old for what exactly? I wasn't aware there is an age limit to wanting to be a mother. I would rather parent a child when I have the most experience and security I can possibly have living in this world so I can raise a healthy, content, balanced adult that will in one way or another be an asset of some sort to this planet, rather than have a child in my third decade of life (20s) when I am still trying to find my way in this world. Too old? Says who? People who just wake up one day and decide on a number? Or the ones that can have a baby any time they feel like it? You can't just simply have a baby just like that. Some people want to first find a solid partner to have a family with, and God knows how difficult this is nowadays. So you're 60 when they are in their 20s? So what? And what type of guarantee does one have? There are none. It's quality over quantity for me anytime, any day. #unreal. (End of rant. Sorry everyone)

I really like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what bothers me: Too old for what exactly? I wasn't aware there is an age limit to wanting to be a mother. I would rather parent a child when I have the most experience and security I can possibly have living in this world so I can raise a healthy, content, balanced adult that will in one way or another be an asset of some sort to this planet, rather than have a child in my third decade of life (20s) when I am still trying to find my way in this world. Too old? Says who? People who just wake up one day and decide on a number? Or the ones that can have a baby any time they feel like it? You can't just simply have a baby just like that. Some people want to first find a solid partner to have a family with, and God knows how difficult this is nowadays. So you're 60 when they are in their 20s? So what? And what type of guarantee does one have? There are none. It's quality over quantity for me anytime, any day. #unreal. (End of rant. Sorry everyone)

I really like this.

Me, too. I also like ice cream sundaes with a cherry on top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is a very hard decision. I would say that 42 is about the top for having a first child. You can check the thread am I too old old to have a baby at 41? and hear lots of opinions. What I notice about that is most of the posters are talking about having a baby or toddler. You are still a parent of young kids when your are in yours 50s. It is very hard. Your body slows down, you may have a health issue, your parents need care, college and retirement at the same time. Our financial security just went up in smoke of child care issues -- which are large and do not end with preschool-nanny. Those issues are real. Age is NOT just a number -- I wish it were!

One thing that is very hard is as you reach your mid 50s and early 60s, you are so out of touch with your contemporaries, who have already passed through HS, empty nest, college, and are facing the latter decades of life. The parents of your kids, who are your new contemporaries are in a very different place -- their 40s. Full of pep and at the height of their careers. It can be lonely that way.As for adopting a pair of older kids... wow, think before you leap. We too, had a very hard and long road through infertility, and we knew several people who adopted older children. If you thought infertility was a bear. It made us with a baby seem like a piece of cake. I love my late in life baby, now in MS, more than anything, but it is very very different than having them when you are young.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I'd say it depends. I have at least 6 very close friends my age who had babies anywhere from 35-44 (my kids were all born when I was in that range). Other good friends I've made since having kids are maybe 3-4 years younger than I am, not enough to feel like it's a gulf.

If I had stayed in my midwestern hometown, then I'd say yes, this is the case. But around the DC area it's been a mix and truly hasn't been a problem. And to be honest, many people whom I've met since my kids were born actually think I'm much younger than I am. My parents used to say kids made them young, and I guess I feel like it's the same for me.

Yes, we always want to believe that everyone thinks we're younger than we really are

And much cooler, too.

[Anonymous]

I will probably get flamed for this, but... As you get into your late 40s and 50s, it is not that you are too tired, but that the DESIRE to do the whole parenting thing decreases. Car pool, test prep, mommy dramas, birthday parties, sports cheering, saving for college, acquaintances of kid parents, getting up early, Saturdays spent at games, picky eaters, worry about teens sex life, ect that you start to think ... no more. Life is too short. Some people just want a more adult oriented life style. that frankly others are living. The days of travelling in your 30s are long passed by that point. OK vent over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will probably get flamed for this, but... As you get into your late 40s and 50s, it is not that you are too tired, but that the DESIRE to do the whole parenting thing decreases. Car pool, test prep, mommy dramas, birthday parties, sports cheering, saving for college, acquaintances of kid parents, getting up early, Saturdays spent at games, picky eaters, worry about teens sex life, ect that you start to think ... no more. Life is too short. Some people just want a more adult oriented life style. that frankly others are living. The days of travelling in your 30s are long passed by that point. OK vent over.

I don't think what you are talking about has to do with age. In my 20s and 30s, I had little or no desire to deal with all of the things you mention (mommy drama, sports, et cetera). Now in my late 30s, I actually have enough patience to endure those things anyway. I think in that regard, I'm more equipped to parent at an older age.

I've actually become less interested in traveling or things of that nature, because as I've gotten older, I've become more of a home body.

So all of that would lead to the conclusion that, in my case, having children older is probably the better option.

But I understand that not everyone is like me. Some people have different interests in their 20s and 30s.

That's why there's no one way to do it. There's no perfect age to be a parent. There are so many variables.

The only difference in starting later is that from a biological perspective, if you have fertility issues, you have less time to sort them out and keep trying. I know people who had lots of fertility issues in their 20s, so I'm not even convinced that starting younger means conceiving will be easier. The big difference is that if you start younger, you have more time to keep trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will probably get flamed for this, but... As you get into your late 40s and 50s, it is not that you are too tired, but that the DESIRE to do the whole parenting thing decreases. Car pool, test prep, mommy dramas, birthday parties, sports cheering, saving for college, acquaintances of kid parents, getting up early, Saturdays spent at games, picky eaters, worry about teens sex life, ect that you start to think ... no more. Life is too short. Some people just want a more adult oriented life style. that frankly others are living. The days of travelling in your 30s are long passed by that point. OK vent over.

Disagree! You can be like me.....a 45 woman who tried to be a mom for many years....and finally, this year, adopted a newborn...and could not be more ready and excited for it all!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will probably get flamed for this, but... As you get into your late 40s and 50s, it is not that you are too tired, but that the DESIRE to do the whole parenting thing decreases. Car pool, test prep, mommy dramas, birthday parties, sports cheering, saving for college, acquaintances of kid parents, getting up early, Saturdays spent at games, picky eaters, worry about teens sex life, ect that you start to think ... no more. Life is too short. Some people just want a more adult oriented life style. that frankly others are living. The days of travelling in your 30s are long passed by that point. OK vent over.

Disagree! You can be like me.....a 45 woman who tried to be a mom for many years....and finally, this year, adopted a newborn...and could not be more ready and excited for it all!!

Yay! I'm excited for you! Enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will probably get flamed for this, but... As you get into your late 40s and 50s, it is not that you are too tired, but that the DESIRE to do the whole parenting thing decreases. Car pool, test prep, mommy dramas, birthday parties, sports cheering, saving for college, acquaintances of kid parents, getting up early, Saturdays spent at games, picky eaters, worry about teens sex life, ect that you start to think ... no more. Life is too short. Some people just want a more adult oriented life style. that frankly others are living. The days of travelling in your 30s are long passed by that point. OK vent over.

Disagree! You can be like me.....a 45 woman who tried to be a mom for many years....and finally, this year, adopted a newborn...and could not be more ready and excited for it all!!

That's wonderful - congratulations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will probably get flamed for this, but... As you get into your late 40s and 50s, it is not that you are too tired, but that the DESIRE to do the whole parenting thing decreases. Car pool, test prep, mommy dramas, birthday parties, sports cheering, saving for college, acquaintances of kid parents, getting up early, Saturdays spent at games, picky eaters, worry about teens sex life, ect that you start to think ... no more. Life is too short. Some people just want a more adult oriented life style. that frankly others are living. The days of travelling in your 30s are long passed by that point. OK vent over.

Disagree! You can be like me.....a 45 woman who tried to be a mom for many years....and finally, this year, adopted a newborn...and could not be more ready and excited for it all!!

y for

Yay!! Enjoy!

We struggled with infertility for years too. So I feel like I am so grateful for my kids and probably enjoy all the kid-oriented stuff more because I know it could have not been. I live a pretty full life before our kids came along so now I am thrilled to bits to be a parent, something I longed for for so many years.

Everyone is different. In my own mind I am still young, and having young kids is part of that equation.