Age Guilt
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Anonymous
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(I accidentally posted this to TCC first.)
I know this is the hot button issue of the ages, but I wonder if we are too old. I know this is flashpoint, on this forum, and others. I have read threads about this in the past, and can see the reasoning about those who say older parenthood is a bad idea, and those who write about happy, wonderful families with older parents. I guess I'm just posting because I keep returning to the topic in my sad, infertile head, and am wondering if anyone has any thoughtful ideas on how to do the calculus. Our journey through infertility has been long, and awful, full of losses and terrible doctors and nurses who have screwed up so badly, and man, you'd think if anyone would be ready to just be done with the idea of kids, it'd be us. But I still can't lose this feeling that kids are "meant to be" part of our lives, as ours, as a family. (We are very close and generous to the other kids in our family, and to our friends' kids. That counts, too!) (We are considering adoption, specifically older children, around ages 6 to 11. But we've been told that is unlikely that children in that age group are available for adoption. Which is very confusing to hear, because you always hear about older kids needing homes... but usually that means foster parents, I am learning. I am investigating further. I realize that's a different topic than older parenthood.) Thanks so much for any thoughts on this. |
Anonymous
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how old are you?
i feel that i have started too late, but it is what it is, so i am not really asking myself that question. my grandmother had my mother when 40+ and my mom had me at 39, which i believe led me into thinking i would be fertile till i am 50. i am due in 3 weeks, right around my 41st birthday. i wish i have started earlier, but trying to look at the upsides (and there are definitively some, at least in my life). in any case, i don't think that much about it, except in the context of trying for another child. |
Anonymous
| I know someone who is 47 and looking at DE. Someone else I know from HS is in her 30s and adopted 3 siblings (5,8,11) and is happiest I've ever seen her. If you feel they are meant to be then you will find a way. Good luck on your journey! |
Anonymous
Good for you to keep plugging away at it. I pray that one of these things works for you to make your family. I think attitude has a a lot to do with it. You clearly really want children and know you want to keep going towards your family, however creating that may look. I think if you feel like you want and can handle kids, then keep at it. Ignore nay sayers who say you are too old. It's YOU and YOUR body and mindset, nt theirs! Have you looked into surrogacy? Not cheap, but really nothing is. Surrogate with proven DE can often be pretty successful- IMO. Good luck!! |
Anonymous
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Well, you don't say how old you are OP. Some people feel too old at 38. Others feel capable at 48. It's a pretty subjective thing.
I had twins at 44. I'm tired most of the time, I need reading glasses, and I worry about being ancient and retiring when they're just graduating from college. On the other hand, I have a strong happy marriage, am financially stable and able to provide well for them, can afford great childcare and lots of time to spend with them, and they will always know how much we wanted them. Other than my age, our kids hit the jackpot in terms of favorable conditions into which they were born. Good luck - whatever you decide. |
Anonymous
This is my story, too. I had mine at 41 and 44. To this PP's list I would add: DH and I are always, always, always the oldest parents in the group. You get used to it, but it's always there. |
Anonymous
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OP, we're "old" too. I'm 40 and my husband is in his 50's. We looked into both IVF and adopting. I want to say that I'm not sure where you got the info about no 6-11 year olds available but that's definitely not true. We went through the training and homestudy for adoption from foster care - an amazingly wonderful way of becoming a parent - and yes, it's not as easy to find kids 2-6ish, mostly because if you think about it logistically it's rare that a parent's rights are terminated by then.
Say a parent has a kid, that baby might be abused/neglected or what have you, but without any interaction with others (school etc) there's rarely any knowledge of it. Usually by the time the kids get to school, then that's where the issues are identified. Kids show up in the same clothes, malnourished, miss school etc and the teacher gets involved. So that means that basically all kids are on their own from birth to roughly 5 unless someone reports the issue. Then there's a lot of education and trying to get the parents to get their act together, and that may or may not happen. There are plenty of younger kids and if you are open to siblings, you may get a little one who is 3 or 4 and another 7 or 10 for example. Check adoptuskids.org After you read thru some of those profiles, you'll know if it's the right path for you. I am willing to bet one of those little faces speaks to you. We ultimately had to stop our process because IVF worked and I got pregnant. I wasn't willing to suspend IVF to go thru adoption and they really wanted that because they want to preserve birth order for the kids which I understand. So we're now unable to adopt, but I often check the profiles of the kids I had my eye on and am happy to see they've all been adopted. I hope their lives are fantastic. |
Anonymous
| Here is what bothers me: Too old for what exactly? I wasn't aware there is an age limit to wanting to be a mother. I would rather parent a child when I have the most experience and security I can possibly have living in this world so I can raise a healthy, content, balanced adult that will in one way or another be an asset of some sort to this planet, rather than have a child in my third decade of life (20s) when I am still trying to find my way in this world. Too old? Says who? People who just wake up one day and decide on a number? Or the ones that can have a baby any time they feel like it? You can't just simply have a baby just like that. Some people want to first find a solid partner to have a family with, and God knows how difficult this is nowadays. So you're 60 when they are in their 20s? So what? And what type of guarantee does one have? There are none. It's quality over quantity for me anytime, any day. #unreal. (End of rant. Sorry everyone) |
Anonymous
plus 1 million!!! |
Anonymous
I'm the older mother of twins who posted above. I want to cut this out and put it in my wallet for days when I'm wondering what the heck I was thinking! Thanks! 
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Anonymous
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There have always been older mothers. Not too many generations ago women started having kids in their late teens when they married and had them until their early 40s when menopause stopped things. My mother was born to my grandmother when she was 40 -- this would have been in the mid 1920s. These young, insecure DCUM moms who try to shame women in their late 30s through 40s should open a history book once in a while. |
Anonymous
yes, agree |
Anonymous
| My mother had me and my brothers in her 40's.....long before ART even really existed. Yes, I am thrilled she had us. Yes, she and my dad were terrific parents. No, I didnt really notice that they were older when I was a young child. Yes, my great childhood stemmed from the fact that my parents were secure financially, and they had the maturity and ability to introduce us to all that the world has to offer. I see no problems. |
Anonymous
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I'm 40 and DH is 45. We just had our second through IVF. We are hands on, active, healthy, committed, loving, financially secure .... So where does our age make a difference here? Our kids have great parents, if I do say do myself.
And to those who make the argument that we could die earlier, DH's dad died in a car accident at 42 (DH was 12). Live your life on YOUR time table, not when someone else says that your expiration date kicks in. |
Anonymous
| My grandmothers had my parents at 36 and 41 - this was in the 1930s and '40s. As a PP mentioned, it was pretty standard to have kids until menopause kicked in. I had my DC at 36 (on par for my family history!); DH was even older. I agree with others that we are in a better place financially, maturity-wise, etc, and frankly, we don't feel "old". One of the benefits of living in this area is that there are plenty of others who have kids later, so it's really not an oddity. Whatever route you end up taking to grow your family, don't feel age guilt - you're providing a loving home to children, however you become parents, and that's all that matters. |