Age Guilt

[Anonymous]

OP, it is a very hard decision. I would say that 42 is about the top for having a first child. You can check the thread am I too old old to have a baby at 41? and hear lots of opinions. What I notice about that is most of the posters are talking about having a baby or toddler. You are still a parent of young kids when your are in yours 50s. It is very hard. Your body slows down, you may have a health issue, your parents need care, college and retirement at the same time. Our financial security just went up in smoke of child care issues -- which are large and do not end with preschool-nanny. Those issues are real. Age is NOT just a number -- I wish it were!

One thing that is very hard is as you reach your mid 50s and early 60s, you are so out of touch with your contemporaries, who have already passed through HS, empty nest, college, and are facing the latter decades of life. The parents of your kids, who are your new contemporaries are in a very different place -- their 40s. Full of pep and at the height of their careers. It can be lonely that way.

As for adopting a pair of older kids... wow, think before you leap. We too, had a very hard and long road through infertility, and we knew several people who adopted older children. If you thought infertility was a bear. It made us with a baby seem like a piece of cake. I love my late in life baby, now in MS, more than anything, but it is very very different than having them when you are young.

[Anonymous]

^^ PS I am very sorry that you are going through this, and very best of luck.

[Anonymous]

I had my children at 22, 23, 29, 38 and now 41. I feel every bit as good physically as I did in my early 20's. And although I felt like I was a mature 22 year old and good Mother then, compared to who I am now... my newest additions are benefiting very much from the 2 decades of experience! Part of it is actually from Mothering before and learning by trial and error but part of it is also just life experience and the ability to put things into perspective better and have more patience.

We aren't guaranteed tomorrow no matter how old or young we are. So no, we are not too old!

Good luck in your journey!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There have always been older mothers. Not too many generations ago women started having kids in their late teens when they married and had them until their early 40s when menopause stopped things.

My mother was born to my grandmother when she was 40 -- this would have been in the mid 1920s.

These young, insecure DCUM moms who try to shame women in their late 30s through 40s should open a history book once in a while.

I hardly think that anyone can accuse the moms on dcum of being young. Most of the moms of young kids are in their 30s here or older. Hardly spring chickens in terms of childbirth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There have always been older mothers. Not too many generations ago women started having kids in their late teens when they married and had them until their early 40s when menopause stopped things.

My mother was born to my grandmother when she was 40 -- this would have been in the mid 1920s.

These young, insecure DCUM moms who try to shame women in their late 30s through 40s should open a history book once in a while.

I hardly think that anyone can accuse the moms on dcum of being young. Most of the moms of young kids are in their 30s here or older. Hardly spring chickens in terms of childbirth.

Big difference between having your first at 32 and first at 39. I've seen a lot of vicious age-baiting on these threads, in both directions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what bothers me: Too old for what exactly? I wasn't aware there is an age limit to wanting to be a mother. I would rather parent a child when I have the most experience and security I can possibly have living in this world so I can raise a healthy, content, balanced adult that will in one way or another be an asset of some sort to this planet, rather than have a child in my third decade of life (20s) when I am still trying to find my way in this world. Too old? Says who? People who just wake up one day and decide on a number? Or the ones that can have a baby any time they feel like it? You can't just simply have a baby just like that. Some people want to first find a solid partner to have a family with, and God knows how difficult this is nowadays. So you're 60 when they are in their 20s? So what? And what type of guarantee does one have? There are none. It's quality over quantity for me anytime, any day. #unreal. (End of rant. Sorry everyone)

What you have to realize, PP, is that when you become a parent, it's not about you anymore. Of course there is not an age limit to wanting to be a mother. But that is from the adult point of view. There is a reason, I believe, that nature has our fertility run out at a certain time. It is what is best for the CHILD that is important, not what the adults/ parents "want."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is a very hard decision. I would say that 42 is about the top for having a first child. You can check the thread am I too old old to have a baby at 41? and hear lots of opinions. What I notice about that is most of the posters are talking about having a baby or toddler. You are still a parent of young kids when your are in yours 50s. It is very hard. Your body slows down, you may have a health issue, your parents need care, college and retirement at the same time. Our financial security just went up in smoke of child care issues -- which are large and do not end with preschool-nanny. Those issues are real. Age is NOT just a number -- I wish it were!

One thing that is very hard is as you reach your mid 50s and early 60s, you are so out of touch with your contemporaries, who have already passed through HS, empty nest, college, and are facing the latter decades of life. The parents of your kids, who are your new contemporaries are in a very different place -- their 40s. Full of pep and at the height of their careers. It can be lonely that way.As for adopting a pair of older kids... wow, think before you leap. We too, had a very hard and long road through infertility, and we knew several people who adopted older children. If you thought infertility was a bear. It made us with a baby seem like a piece of cake. I love my late in life baby, now in MS, more than anything, but it is very very different than having them when you are young.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what bothers me: Too old for what exactly? I wasn't aware there is an age limit to wanting to be a mother. I would rather parent a child when I have the most experience and security I can possibly have living in this world so I can raise a healthy, content, balanced adult that will in one way or another be an asset of some sort to this planet, rather than have a child in my third decade of life (20s) when I am still trying to find my way in this world. Too old? Says who? People who just wake up one day and decide on a number? Or the ones that can have a baby any time they feel like it? You can't just simply have a baby just like that. Some people want to first find a solid partner to have a family with, and God knows how difficult this is nowadays. So you're 60 when they are in their 20s? So what? And what type of guarantee does one have? There are none. It's quality over quantity for me anytime, any day. #unreal. (End of rant. Sorry everyone)

What you have to realize, PP, is that when you become a parent, it's not about you anymore. Of course there is not an age limit to wanting to be a mother. But that is from the adult point of view. There is a reason, I believe, that nature has our fertility run out at a certain time. It is what is best for the CHILD that is important, not what the adults/ parents "want."

Math people: if you have your Dc at 43, you are in your 60s when they are in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There have always been older mothers. Not too many generations ago women started having kids in their late teens when they married and had them until their early 40s when menopause stopped things.

My mother was born to my grandmother when she was 40 -- this would have been in the mid 1920s.

These young, insecure DCUM moms who try to shame women in their late 30s through 40s should open a history book once in a while.

Absolutely correct. Older moms are nothing new. My grandmother had seven children, her first in 1941 at age 25 and her last in 1959 at age 43. My MIL was 42 when she had her youngest (my DH) in 1965.

What IS new is older first time moms. But I can't see how that matters one way or another. If anything the older first time mom is in a better position--not already worn out from raising the older children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you don't say how old you are OP. Some people feel too old at 38. Others feel capable at 48. It's a pretty subjective thing.

I had twins at 44. I'm tired most of the time, I need reading glasses, and I worry about being ancient and retiring when they're just graduating from college.

On the other hand, I have a strong happy marriage, am financially stable and able to provide well for them, can afford great childcare and lots of time to spend with them, and they will always know how much we wanted them.

Other than my age, our kids hit the jackpot in terms of favorable conditions into which they were born.

Good luck - whatever you decide.

How old are your twins?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what bothers me: Too old for what exactly? I wasn't aware there is an age limit to wanting to be a mother. I would rather parent a child when I have the most experience and security I can possibly have living in this world so I can raise a healthy, content, balanced adult that will in one way or another be an asset of some sort to this planet, rather than have a child in my third decade of life (20s) when I am still trying to find my way in this world. Too old? Says who? People who just wake up one day and decide on a number? Or the ones that can have a baby any time they feel like it? You can't just simply have a baby just like that. Some people want to first find a solid partner to have a family with, and God knows how difficult this is nowadays. So you're 60 when they are in their 20s? So what? And what type of guarantee does one have? There are none. It's quality over quantity for me anytime, any day. #unreal. (End of rant. Sorry everyone)

What you have to realize, PP, is that when you become a parent, it's not about you anymore. Of course there is not an age limit to wanting to be a mother. But that is from the adult point of view. There is a reason, I believe, that nature has our fertility run out at a certain time. It is what is best for the CHILD that is important, not what the adults/ parents "want."

Math people: if you have your Dc at 43, you are in your 60s when they are in high school.

....and you are in your 60s through much of their 20s as well. WTF is your point?

[Anonymous]

Math people: if you have your Dc at 43, you are in your 60s when they are in high school.

So what?

[Anonymous]

As someone who would like to have children, but feels too young for this area at 28, I think the age baiting needs to stop. Why can't we encourage moms of all ages? Women are demonized for having kids early and demonized for waiting too long. It's a bad catch-22.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what bothers me: Too old for what exactly? I wasn't aware there is an age limit to wanting to be a mother. I would rather parent a child when I have the most experience and security I can possibly have living in this world so I can raise a healthy, content, balanced adult that will in one way or another be an asset of some sort to this planet, rather than have a child in my third decade of life (20s) when I am still trying to find my way in this world. Too old? Says who? People who just wake up one day and decide on a number? Or the ones that can have a baby any time they feel like it? You can't just simply have a baby just like that. Some people want to first find a solid partner to have a family with, and God knows how difficult this is nowadays. So you're 60 when they are in their 20s? So what? And what type of guarantee does one have? There are none. It's quality over quantity for me anytime, any day. #unreal. (End of rant. Sorry everyone)

What you have to realize, PP, is that when you become a parent, it's not about you anymore. Of course there is not an age limit to wanting to be a mother. But that is from the adult point of view. There is a reason, I believe, that nature has our fertility run out at a certain time. It is what is best for the CHILD that is important, not what the adults/ parents "want."

Hi! I am the person that wrote the "Here is what bothers me response". So, if I use your philosophy above, then infertile women/couples should not have children because nature did not 'select' them? When I was 20 and everyone around me was getting pregnant, I always thought to myself: "No, I'm not done living yet."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is a very hard decision. I would say that 42 is about the top for having a first child. You can check the thread am I too old old to have a baby at 41? and hear lots of opinions. What I notice about that is most of the posters are talking about having a baby or toddler. You are still a parent of young kids when your are in yours 50s. It is very hard. Your body slows down, you may have a health issue, your parents need care, college and retirement at the same time. Our financial security just went up in smoke of child care issues -- which are large and do not end with preschool-nanny. Those issues are real. Age is NOT just a number -- I wish it were!

One thing that is very hard is as you reach your mid 50s and early 60s, you are so out of touch with your contemporaries, who have already passed through HS, empty nest, college, and are facing the latter decades of life. The parents of your kids, who are your new contemporaries are in a very different place -- their 40s. Full of pep and at the height of their careers. It can be lonely that way.As for adopting a pair of older kids... wow, think before you leap. We too, had a very hard and long road through infertility, and we knew several people who adopted older children. If you thought infertility was a bear. It made us with a baby seem like a piece of cake. I love my late in life baby, now in MS, more than anything, but it is very very different than having them when you are young.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I'd say it depends. I have at least 6 very close friends my age who had babies anywhere from 35-44 (my kids were all born when I was in that range). Other good friends I've made since having kids are maybe 3-4 years younger than I am, not enough to feel like it's a gulf.

If I had stayed in my midwestern hometown, then I'd say yes, this is the case. But around the DC area it's been a mix and truly hasn't been a problem. And to be honest, many people whom I've met since my kids were born actually think I'm much younger than I am. My parents used to say kids made them young, and I guess I feel like it's the same for me.