What is reasonable to ask of in-town family in terms of help with kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH always wants to invite her over for dinner during the week....which I cook with a 3 year old running around after work (and I also hate cooking). It drives me NUTS to have MIL show up on our doorstep at 6:30 asking "how she can help" when by that point, dinner has been prepped and cooked already.

So have DH invite her to come at 6. Then when she arrives and asks what she can do, have her play with the 3-year-old. Better yet, have your DH make dinner for her. She can still come at 6 and play with your child while your DH cooks dinner and you relax.

This.

I agree--the OP's last post just makes her sound worse. You're blaming your MIL for not having the same culture as your family and for not reading your mind. It's fine to ask for help if you need it; it's not cool to feel entitled to a certain level of assistance based only on your assumptions or to "punish" your MIL because she's not as helpful as you think she should be.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you sound resentful that she's not meeting YOUR needs. You haven't posted anything that makes it sounds like she's anything other than lovely. The PPs gave good advice - have her come at 6:00 to watch your 3 yo while you or your DH cook dinner. It doesn't matter what YOUR expectations are, they are not your MIL's. You should defer to your DH on this.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a spoiled brat who is not getting exactly what she wants.

Grow up. You are a mother now.

[Anonymous]

What do you do for her? Relationships are a two-way street. Just because you have kids doesn't mean that your older relatives owe you child care. Nothing you've said makes her sound unkind or interfering (and perhaps she doesn't offer to do more because she doesn't want to come across as smothering or controlling), and your husband clearly wants to have a close relationship with her, and she evidently loves your daughter. The fact that she doesn't volunteer to do more free babysitting is not a flaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH always wants to invite her over for dinner during the week....which I cook with a 3 year old running around after work (and I also hate cooking). It drives me NUTS to have MIL show up on our doorstep at 6:30 asking "how she can help" when by that point, dinner has been prepped and cooked already.

So have DH invite her to come at 6. Then when she arrives and asks what she can do, have her play with the 3-year-old. Better yet, have your DH make dinner for her. She can still come at 6 and play with your child while your DH cooks dinner and you relax.

This.

I agree--the OP's last post just makes her sound worse. You're blaming your MIL for not having the same culture as your family and for not reading your mind. It's fine to ask for help if you need it; it's not cool to feel entitled to a certain level of assistance based only on your assumptions or to "punish" your MIL because she's not as helpful as you think she should be.

+ 1000. The level of OP's entitlement, and even spite, is astounding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do for her? Relationships are a two-way street. Just because you have kids doesn't mean that your older relatives owe you child care. Nothing you've said makes her sound unkind or interfering (and perhaps she doesn't offer to do more because she doesn't want to come across as smothering or controlling), and your husband clearly wants to have a close relationship with her, and she evidently loves your daughter. The fact that she doesn't volunteer to do more free babysitting is not a flaw.

Exactly. I have a relative like OP, that seems to expect others to do things for her - yet never doing anything for others. It doesn't matter how close someone else lives. It doesn't matter if they have time. The age difference doesn't matter, or the level of financial security. All relationships including a MIL to DIL are a two-way street and require reciprocity. It sounds like OP is expecting her MIL to only give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And let grandma be the driver of her relationship with her granddaughter. Not mama. If grandma wants to do more, I'm sure she can speak up.

+ 1,000

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, really?

[Anonymous]

OP, are you Russian or smth? It is very typical in Russian culture to have grandmothers do EVERYTHING. School pickups, activities, homework help, not to mention cooking and cleaning.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Again, thanks for the reality check. This was an anonymous vent and it was helpful for me to see other perspectives, although it is not one that I grew up with.

Not that this makes a difference but MIL voluntarily moved to our neighborhood recently-- we didn't go move to hers.

Maybe this makes me a spiteful b*tch, but I will be honest and say that a less "helpful" MIL who is local makes me less likely to want to see her on the weekends/evenings when it is our family time. For example, DH always wants to invite her over for dinner during the week....which I cook with a 3 year old running around after work (and I also hate cooking). It drives me NUTS to have MIL show up on our doorstep at 6:30 asking "how she can help" when by that point, dinner has been prepped and cooked already.

As another S/O, I wonder if the dynamic is different if it was your own mom vs DH's mom. Given my new-found understanding of the dynamics, I will be loathe to ask MIL to do anything (unless it's a major emergency) and will ask DH to do it. If it were my own mother, the bar is much lower.

This followup makes it sound like what you really want to control is how often and when *you* have to see your MIL. Since you don't want her to come for dinner or when you decide is family time, it would be a win-win for you if she were to pick up your child. You get free babysitting, you aren't impeding a relationship between grandmom and DD, and you don't have MIL around for dinner, when she won't "help" you.

Pretty manipulative if that's the case. If it isn't the case, then you are simply expecting too much. Your MIL is plenty old enough to initiate and manage a relationship with your DD. Don't ask for anymore and work on your obvious resentment.

[Anonymous]

You are entitled, selfish, OP. Your MIL owes you nothing and I hope she tells you where to go. Obviously, you are crazy.

[Anonymous]

In the US, grandparents are not obligated to raise the grandchildren. In return, children are not obligated to have their elderly parents live with them as they grow more infirm. If you are not planning to care for your mother in law during her final years, she doesn't really owe you anything. She certainly isn't obligated to come over and cook the dinner to which she has been invited. If it' s too much trouble to have her over on a weeknight, invite her on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the answer here is that I should defer to DH about how to deal with his own mother. It is hard because I come from a culture where grandparents help A LOT (eg I have a cousin whose mom basically lives with them during the week and provides FT childcare for a baby and shuttles a 3 year old to/from part time preschool). I feel like I am not asking her to do anything on that level. But most of the childcare burden during the week falls to me and if my parents lived in town and in our freakin' neighborhood they would help so much more than she does.

MIL has a huge divorce settlement so paying her/money is not an issue at all. In fact, she'd probably be totally offended if we offered.

Anyway this is just a vent, and I'm sure I'll be flamed for this.

Okay, you know deep down the right answer. Your MIL has raised her kids. There is a fine line between your MIL helping out and you using her for unpaid help with childcare. If she can't make other plans because she must be at the childcare center at noon twice a week because you askedd and she didnt know how to say no, not because she offered. Yes, there are parents that will retire near the grandkids and watch them very afternoon but I don't have one of those parents either and neither does DH. As much as DH's parents love the kids, they are in their 60's it can be exhausting running after young kids, and this is their retirement. Also, don't forget, there are tons of posts about how in-laws do things differently than parents. You also do t want to get into the two cooks in the kitchen and issues of who is running the show. My grandma did live with one of her children and provided free childcare etc, and there were issues with the husband feeling like the MIL had too much sway in the marriage (I.e. wife listens to her mom not discussing things with husband) and clashes with parenting the kids. There is also a difference with your mom helping you versus his mom helping you. My mom, as my mother could want to help me because I am her child. My mom would also have no qualms being opinionated about certain things with me.

Anyway, if you are feeling overwhelmed, how come your DH isn't doing more? Leave MIL out of the equation. How would you balance the household division of labor more? If this means hiring someone to clean, DH having do the pickup while you are starting dinner, something that you can outsource, etc. Do you need to look into an afternoon childcare where the person picks up the kids and brings them to the house and watches them until you get home? Should you look into an au pair instead of daycare? Figure out what will make the situation better without depending on MIL. if she offers to do more so you don't need to do X that is fine but you shouldn't have to depend on her to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Zero. You can expect zero and ask what she would like to do. It is up to her to tell you and up to you to try to facilitate.

Your resentment is clear which is sad for your child. Try to let that go so your child can have a relationship without all your judgements.

This. Tread carefully. It was clear to me that my mom wanted to watch the kids alone because she would ask if we had plans to go out of town and would offer to watch them so we could go out of town for anniversary. I think you start with seeing MIL once a week as you might without kids. You are primary caregiver during those gathering. This once a week can include outings with MIL like eating out, kid plays, Playseum etc. If she expresses a desire to do more or be with kids on own, you facilitate. The key is that MIL interacts with the kids and has that time to get to know them, and it doesn't have to be in a caregiver capacity.

[Anonymous]

Look the answer here is to hire a nanny and cut down in how often your mil comes over.