What is reasonable to ask of in-town family in terms of help with kids?
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Anonymous
AGREED! I don't understand grown adults who rely on family to this extent. Wow. |
Anonymous
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OP, you need to hire help. Sounds like you need a nanny and a housekeeper/cook. This way you really are in control.
Your MIL should not be expected to do any of this. |
Anonymous
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OP, do you do anything for your MIL? Make meals for her? Do household repairs for her, that might otherwise be difficult for her? Help her with her lawncare, laundry, cleaning up, etc?
I'm guessing that you do not. It doesn't matter if she's your child's grandmother - if you want someone to do things for you, you better be prepared to do things for them, too. It's very entitled to expect to receive, but not also give. |
Anonymous
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I come from Eastern Europe where grandmas in general help more. What your MIL is doing for you sounds kind of average by those standards. Sure there MIla who do mich more but its not a norm. I am not sure what culture would expect MIL to do even more.
Your problem seems to be not your MIL but your husbands. It looks like he is doing enough. I would try to pu pressure on him and see what he proposes - him helping more, hiring more help or utilizing his mother more. |
Anonymous
I get what you are saying but being close at best means you have the possibility that she can help in emergency situations like unexpected traffic jams or ice snow days when DH is traveling for work and you have to figure out 2-3 days of childcare. FWIW, lots of my friends have family in town and everyone is different in the ways in which they are willing to help. Some will do aftercare for 1 or two afternoons per week but they don't do evening or weekends, parents hire babysitters. Another doesn't do anything with aftercare but will watch on weekends for regular date nights but parents have to drop/pickup. Another will always help in emergency situations but rarely does aftercare or will cover in school breaks (doesn't want to be tied down) but will see the family regularly for dinner during the week - usually going out to eat, taking turns with paying. In all these cases the kids have relationships with the grandparents and the adult kids love their parents and generally get along with them and there are no major issues between spouse and in-law. I think because of what you are used to you feel there is only one right way to help and have a relationship with grandkids plus you haven't had the meeting about division of household chores fairness with your DH. I remember having that talk with a toddler and one on the way when DH not only traveled roughly 2 months out of the year for work but I had to take off for every sick day. It's great that your DH loves his mother and wants her to be included. You just need to get him to help more when he issues invitations. Let DH know he needs to either grill food, let you know ahead of time so you can make a casserole the night before while DH watches the children and can pop it in the oven the next day or plan for a crock pot meal, make the invitation for take out night (like Friday night pizza), or get home earlier so he can watch toddler while you make dinner. This is no different than when either my parents come to visit or DH's parents are in town. We have to work out ahead of time what we plan to do for food. Again, I see this as an issue with DH and you, not with MIL. If DH has to step up more and his mom offers to help him (like coming over earlier instead of DH leaving work early to help watch toddler when you are cooking or helping you with the cooking) that is fine but there is no automatic transference of his duties to help you more going to his mother because she lives nearby. |
Anonymous
| I think if your MIL is listed as some one who can pick up your daughter anyday, then you are in fact already inviting your mil to pick up your child whenever she wants. If MIL wanted to get the kid early and enjoy an afternoon at the park then she would. If she's not doing that but knows it's an option, then you have your answer already. |
Anonymous
| This isn't Eastern Europe, South America, etc., and American grandmas are not slaves to the younger generation of lazy, self consumed, self absorbed, entitled women. Your brats, you take cars of them or hire someone. |
Anonymous
| Why are you trying to put her to work? Taking care of your children is not her job, let her enjoy retirement and see the kids when she feels like it. You actually want to her to cook dinner for you? smh. |
Anonymous
Not to argue that American grandmas are supposed to follow foreign standards; however you do understand that those foreign grandmas have gotten tons of help from their own MILs and moms? We are EE and our MIL hasn't helped us at all (she she if paid her handsomely and put her in charge of all decision making) but she sucked her MIL and her own mother dry in every respect. |
Anonymous
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You can ask anything but you have to be willing to expect nothing. I do feel a sense of entitlement from you OP. Yes she lives close to you, which is expensive in the DMV. Be grateful she is a part of your life. Invite her for dinner and ask that she entertain your daughter.
Why don't you cut back at work if you don't want your daughter in aftercare? That is a personal decision that has nothing to do with your MIL. |
Anonymous
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Give OP a break. She works full time, has a preschooler and is PREGNANT. I know everyone's pregnancy is different but when I was pregnant, I was so tired. I needed lots of help and was not afraid to ask for it. I have had a mix of both paid and family help and I can tell you that paid help is soooooooooooooo much better. Both my mom and MIL have a lot of advice and comments along with their help.
Can you afford PT help? I would think you could use all the help you can get (during pregnancy and maybe the first yr of the new baby's life). |
Anonymous
Who forced you to get pregnant? Oh, no one. Your problem so hire someone and stop using family as your personal slave. You ate pregnant by choice and you already knew the associated discomforts. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Not pp but aren't you a witch. No one is saying that in laws deserve to be treated like slaves, geez. I also grew up in a culture where parents help with child care and the kids take the adult parents in when they are elderly. Is it so horrible to ask FAMILY for a little help??? If my in laws needed me, I would be there asap and vice versa. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm sorry that you're getting the DCUM treatment here.
I know that if my mom or dad lived in our neighborhood we'd be getting a lot of help and support, along the lines of what you're talking about. However, in your case, it sounds like your MIL wants to be close enough to have a relationship with all of you, including your child, but doesn't want to be a primary caregiver. If she did, she wouldn't leave town every other month. I don't think you're being mean or thoughtless to ask her to do more. I do think that you should start with your DH. I don't really like to cook under pressure, for example, s |