Reply to What is reasonable to ask of in-town family in terms of help with kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I know the answer here is that I should defer to DH about how to deal with his own mother. It is hard because I come from a culture where grandparents help A LOT (eg I have a cousin whose mom basically lives with them during the week and provides FT childcare for a baby and shuttles a 3 year old to/from part time preschool). I feel like I am not asking her to do anything on that level.  But most of the childcare burden during the week falls to me and if my parents lived in town and in our freakin' neighborhood they would help so much more than she does.

MIL has a huge divorce settlement so paying her/money is not an issue at all. In fact, she'd probably be totally offended if we offered.

Anyway this is just a vent, and I'm sure I'll be flamed for this.

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Okay, you know deep down the right answer.  Your MIL has raised her kids.  There is a fine line between your MIL helping out and you using her for unpaid help with childcare.  If she can't make other plans because she must be at the childcare center at noon twice a week because you askedd and she didnt know how to say no, not because she offered. Yes, there are parents that will retire near the grandkids and watch them very afternoon but I don't have one of those parents either and neither does DH.  As much as DH's parents love the kids, they are in their 60's it can be exhausting running after young kids, and this is their retirement.  Also, don't forget, there are tons of posts about how in-laws do things differently than parents.  You also do t want to get into the two cooks in the kitchen and issues of who is running the show.  My grandma did live with one of her children and provided free childcare etc, and there were issues with the husband feeling like the MIL had too much sway in the marriage (I.e. wife listens to her mom not discussing things with husband) and clashes with parenting the kids.  There is also a difference with your mom helping you versus his mom helping you.  My mom, as my mother could want to help me because I am her child. My mom would also have no qualms being opinionated about certain things with me.

Anyway, if you are feeling overwhelmed, how come your DH isn't doing more?  Leave MIL out of the equation.  How would you balance the household division of labor more?  If this means hiring someone to clean, DH having do the pickup while you are starting dinner, something that you can outsource, etc.  Do you need to look into an afternoon childcare where the person picks up the kids and brings them to the house and watches them until you get home?  Should you look into an au pair instead of daycare? Figure out what will make the situation better without depending on MIL.  if she offers to do more so you don't need to do X that is fine but you shouldn't have to depend on her to make it work.
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