What is reasonable to ask of in-town family in terms of help with kids?

[Anonymous]

I think it is fine to count on family for emergencies or even times when you just are in a jam. But I don't think it is okay to assume or ask for regular care. If I were a grandparent, I would offer up those services if that is something I was interested in providing. And I would be rather annoyed to be asked and would feel like you put me in a very awkward position by asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh shut up. You just want free child care. You are not entitled to it. Leave her alone.

This.

Hire a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL lives in town part-time (1-2 months here,1- 2 months in her hometown). She is in her early 60s and is in good health. She has an apartment in our neighborhood. She is generally enthused about being a grandmother to our child and has a lot of toys and activities at her place for DD. We both work FT and have a baby on the way.

Right now, when she is in town, I might ask her to pick up our child from preschool afterschool (3 year old) once or twice, and babysit one or two Sat nights (we always come home to do bath/bed ourselves). From what I can tell, she has happily done all of these things. I really do not think any of these things are big lifts, so to speak.

I would like to up the ante, so to speak, and ask her to do more, like pick up our child earlier so she doesn't have to be in afterschool. I would still come home in time to cook dinner, so I wouldn't ask her to do anything like that.

DH is reluctant because his mother is easily overwhelmed. Also she has a very passive personality so she'll never really offer to do anything nor will she ever really complain directly (except in a passive aggressive way).

I know the answer here is that I should defer to DH about how to deal with his own mother. It is hard because I come from a culture where grandparents help A LOT (eg I have a cousin whose mom basically lives with them during the week and provides FT childcare for a baby and shuttles a 3 year old to/from part time preschool). I feel like I am not asking her to do anything on that level. But most of the childcare burden during the week falls to me and if my parents lived in town and in our freakin' neighborhood they would help so much more than she does.

MIL has a huge divorce settlement so paying her/money is not an issue at all. In fact, she'd probably be totally offended if we offered.

Anyway this is just a vent, and I'm sure I'll be flamed for this.

It doesn't matter what your culture is. Your MIL is who she is. She lives nearby to see her grandchildren (presumably), not to be your childcare.

Defer to your DH on this and count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh shut up. You just want free child care. You are not entitled to it. Leave her alone.

This.

Hire a nanny.

+2

I think it's crazy to ask such things of anyone else if you're not paying them.

[Anonymous]

"I know the answer here is that I should defer to DH about how to deal with his own mother."

Bingo. It sounds like you have a really good MIL, from my perspective. Helpful when you need her, not too intrusive, nearby part of the year, but not all...count your blessings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is fine to count on family for emergencies or even times when you just are in a jam. But I don't think it is okay to assume or ask for regular care. If I were a grandparent, I would offer up those services if that is something I was interested in providing. And I would be rather annoyed to be asked and would feel like you put me in a very awkward position by asking.

+1. This comes closest to how I feel. If on a day when she picks your DD up she tells you how much she loves those afternoons, you could offer "I know she loves it too. If you ever wanted to pick her up earlier so the two of you could have some time together, let me know." That way, the ball is in her court but you aren't asking her to do any favors.

You mentioned that most of the childcare burden falls on you even though you and your DH both work FT. To me, the initial answer isn't to ask MIL to do more, it's to examine your situation and figure out a way for you and DH to balance more equitably that burden. My DH and I both work full-time, but my full-time is 40hr/wks while his is more like 60-70hr/wks so the childcare part of life does skew towards me. We shift things around when needed, but for the most part that's just how our life is working right now.

As for how often you see each other, that's something that is up to you all as a family. When my parents were talking about re-locating to be nearer to us, we talked about the fact that it wouldn't mean seeing each other every day since it would probably end up being stifling to feel as if our nuclear family couldn't ever do anything without include Grandma and Grandpa moving forward. Living in close proximity does require communication, and if your MIL is fairly passive, then DH probably needs to be part of those discussions.

[Anonymous]

And let grandma be the driver of her relationship with her granddaughter. Not mama. If grandma wants to do more, I'm sure she can speak up.

[Anonymous]

I would certainly let her know, tactfully, that she is welcome to see the grandchildren as often as she likes while she is in town. Some MILs are cautious of seeming like they are inserting themselves too much into their kids' lives. But the attitude of wanting her to "up the ante" seems a bit self-serving and grasping.

[Anonymous]

You can certainly say that if she'd like to pick up your daughter more often so the two of them can spend more time together, she has only to tell you.

But she doesn't owe you more childcare, and it would be wrong to ask. It doesn't matter how much more your parents would do. It doesn't matter how much more you think she could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks for the reality check.
In a slight S/O to my original question, given that she lives in our neighborhood (albeit part time) how often is reasonable to see her?

My MIL lives blocks from BIL/SIL and they see her about once a month! She is so mean to SIL that she is rarely invited and they NEVER go over to her house. She is ok with that, as long as BIL takes her out to lunch on Fridays. She only cares about her "date" with him, no mention of the kids (tween/teen boys) and certainly not missing SIL who isn't "really part of the family anyway" No shit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is fine to count on family for emergencies or even times when you just are in a jam. But I don't think it is okay to assume or ask for regular care. If I were a grandparent, I would offer up those services if that is something I was interested in providing. And I would be rather annoyed to be asked and would feel like you put me in a very awkward position by asking.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Again, thanks for the reality check. This was an anonymous vent and it was helpful for me to see other perspectives, although it is not one that I grew up with.

Not that this makes a difference but MIL voluntarily moved to our neighborhood recently-- we didn't go move to hers.

Maybe this makes me a spiteful b*tch, but I will be honest and say that a less "helpful" MIL who is local makes me less likely to want to see her on the weekends/evenings when it is our family time. For example, DH always wants to invite her over for dinner during the week....which I cook with a 3 year old running around after work (and I also hate cooking). It drives me NUTS to have MIL show up on our doorstep at 6:30 asking "how she can help" when by that point, dinner has been prepped and cooked already.

As another S/O, I wonder if the dynamic is different if it was your own mom vs DH's mom. Given my new-found understanding of the dynamics, I will be loathe to ask MIL to do anything (unless it's a major emergency) and will ask DH to do it. If it were my own mother, the bar is much lower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Again, thanks for the reality check. This was an anonymous vent and it was helpful for me to see other perspectives, although it is not one that I grew up with.

Not that this makes a difference but MIL voluntarily moved to our neighborhood recently-- we didn't go move to hers.

Maybe this makes me a spiteful b*tch, but I will be honest and say that a less "helpful" MIL who is local makes me less likely to want to see her on the weekends/evenings when it is our family time. For example, DH always wants to invite her over for dinner during the week....which I cook with a 3 year old running around after work (and I also hate cooking). It drives me NUTS to have MIL show up on our doorstep at 6:30 asking "how she can help" when by that point, dinner has been prepped and cooked already.

As another S/O, I wonder if the dynamic is different if it was your own mom vs DH's mom. Given my new-found understanding of the dynamics, I will be loathe to ask MIL to do anything (unless it's a major emergency) and will ask DH to do it. If it were my own mother, the bar is much lower.

Ok, now you sound kind of ridiculous. Nothing about your post has identified that your MIL is not helpful, just that she doesn't help as much as you (arbitrarily) would like. She does not know you would like her to help more and probably thinks she is doing a fine job, so you're blaming her for not reading your mind.

For example, your dinner complaint. Does she know that dinner is done by 6:30? It is never ready by then in my house, so I don't blame her for not knowing given that you probably haven't asked her to arrive earlier. Have her over earlier so she actually can help. Honestly, it sounds like you are just looking for reasons to complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH always wants to invite her over for dinner during the week....which I cook with a 3 year old running around after work (and I also hate cooking). It drives me NUTS to have MIL show up on our doorstep at 6:30 asking "how she can help" when by that point, dinner has been prepped and cooked already.

So have DH invite her to come at 6. Then when she arrives and asks what she can do, have her play with the 3-year-old. Better yet, have your DH make dinner for her. She can still come at 6 and play with your child while your DH cooks dinner and you relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Again, thanks for the reality check. This was an anonymous vent and it was helpful for me to see other perspectives, although it is not one that I grew up with.

Not that this makes a difference but MIL voluntarily moved to our neighborhood recently-- we didn't go move to hers.

Maybe this makes me a spiteful b*tch, but I will be honest and say that a less "helpful" MIL who is local makes me less likely to want to see her on the weekends/evenings when it is our family time. For example, DH always wants to invite her over for dinner during the week....which I cook with a 3 year old running around after work (and I also hate cooking). It drives me NUTS to have MIL show up on our doorstep at 6:30 asking "how she can help" when by that point, dinner has been prepped and cooked already.

As another S/O, I wonder if the dynamic is different if it was your own mom vs DH's mom. Given my new-found understanding of the dynamics, I will be loathe to ask MIL to do anything (unless it's a major emergency) and will ask DH to do it. If it were my own mother, the bar is much lower.

WOW -- Entitled much? Since when did becoming a MIL obligate you to being helpful in a household to which you do not belong?
You need help -- get your lazy-behind husband to cook dinner, hire a cook, order takeout. Why in the hell is it his momma's job to cook dinner? My MIL lives out of state and comes to visit a few times a year, only thing I want her to do is not shrink any more of our clothes when she does try to help by doing laundry. Geez lady -- you don't have a MIL problem, you have a 'i don't have enough money to pay for the help i want' !