What is reasonable to ask of in-town family in terms of help with kids?

[Anonymous]

My MIL lives in town part-time (1-2 months here,1- 2 months in her hometown). She is in her early 60s and is in good health. She has an apartment in our neighborhood. She is generally enthused about being a grandmother to our child and has a lot of toys and activities at her place for DD. We both work FT and have a baby on the way.

Right now, when she is in town, I might ask her to pick up our child from preschool afterschool (3 year old) once or twice, and babysit one or two Sat nights (we always come home to do bath/bed ourselves). From what I can tell, she has happily done all of these things. I really do not think any of these things are big lifts, so to speak.

I would like to up the ante, so to speak, and ask her to do more, like pick up our child earlier so she doesn't have to be in afterschool. I would still come home in time to cook dinner, so I wouldn't ask her to do anything like that.

DH is reluctant because his mother is easily overwhelmed. Also she has a very passive personality so she'll never really offer to do anything nor will she ever really complain directly (except in a passive aggressive way).

I know the answer here is that I should defer to DH about how to deal with his own mother. It is hard because I come from a culture where grandparents help A LOT (eg I have a cousin whose mom basically lives with them during the week and provides FT childcare for a baby and shuttles a 3 year old to/from part time preschool). I feel like I am not asking her to do anything on that level. But most of the childcare burden during the week falls to me and if my parents lived in town and in our freakin' neighborhood they would help so much more than she does.

MIL has a huge divorce settlement so paying her/money is not an issue at all. In fact, she'd probably be totally offended if we offered.

Anyway this is just a vent, and I'm sure I'll be flamed for this.

[Anonymous]

No, that's a bit overboard. If she was interested she'd offer.

[Anonymous]

WTH??
If you ask, then offer to pay.
She does not owe you childcare.
If she has not offered to do more, it is very likely she does not want to be obligated to a certain sked of pickups.
If I was 60 something, in good health, had 2 homes, I definitely would not want to be tied down to HAVING TO pick up some little kids a certain number of days a week.
Would love the grand kids, but not on a sked!!

[Anonymous]

I think its worth asking her if she'd like to do more - maybe she thinks you want your child in aftercare and she doesn't want to rock the boat...

I would try asking if she wants to spend more time with child X and include that if she does want more time, maybe she could pick up at 3, and then you won;t need aftercare... If she seems at all interested, say something like "oh, it was just a thought = do you want to think about it for a few days and see how you feel? i don't want it to get in the way of your shopping/friends/bridge/tennis"

My MIL can be pretty passive, too, but if I ask semi-directly, as above, it gives her an out and she usually comes up with a strong out - "No, I;m just not free. I don;t want to do it every week. I don;t want to be committed at 3 every wednesday"

[Anonymous]

Oh shut up. You just want free child care. You are not entitled to it. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

My dad is local, 75 and in good health, travels a lot. When he is here, I only ask him to pick up or otherwise babysit when I am in a jam or know we will need something relatively minor way ahead of time. Example: a month ago I had a meeting a mile away that wasn't going to end until a half hour after my youngest kid's bus dropped him off. So I asked him a couple weeks in advance if he was free. Other times I have been stuck in traffic and called to see if he was closer to the kids' school/bus stop than I was. Regular pickups and date nights that aren't something very special I wouldn't expect. And I think that would be the same if this were my mom, too (she died before we had kids.)

However, my husband's sister lives in another state in the same town as her mother (my MIL) and her MIL, and they combined to be her regular child care for two kids until they were school-aged. So you never know.

[Anonymous]

OP here: to clarify, I am NOT looking for free childcare. I have paid for DD's preschool plus aftercare for the year and save zero money if grandma picks up early. I would have to keep aftercare anyway bc 1) I would never ask her to do it every day and 2) she doesn't live here FT anyway.
I just think it would be nice if DD didn't have to so aftercare on some days and it would give grandma an opportunity to develop a relationship with her grandchild without us around.

[Anonymous]

I would ask her. Ask her about the help she has been giving already and if it feels like too much. If she says no, not at all - that she loves time with Dd then you can let her know that if she ever wants to pick DD up earlier, she can.

Don't make it an expectation or an obligation - instead feel her out as to what she wants to do and be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: to clarify, I am NOT looking for free childcare. I have paid for DD's preschool plus aftercare for the year and save zero money if grandma picks up early. I would have to keep aftercare anyway bc 1) I would never ask her to do it every day and 2) she doesn't live here FT anyway.
I just think it would be nice if DD didn't have to so aftercare on some days and it would give grandma an opportunity to develop a relationship with her grandchild without us around.

The PPs are commenting about it being free because you aren't paying your MIL. Tread carefully. I think it is perfectly acceptable to ask her if she wants to do a little bit more, but be prepared for her to say no - and do whatever you need to do to let go of your resentment.

[Anonymous]

Everyday???? Yes, that is too much. It sounds like she already does a lot. Be thankful, not greedy. And remember, it is your kid, not hers.

[Anonymous]

If your parents are so close and helpful, why don't they move in with you or move to your town?

I bet the culture that demands grandmothers care for their grand kids also expects daughters and and dil to let their moms and mil live with them and stay home to take care of them when they are infirm. Will u do that?

[Anonymous]

Everyday is way to much. Tell her that if she ever wants to pick up DD to let you know. If your intentions truly are "giving grandma an opportunity to develop a relationship with her grandchild without us around," that will suffice. I suspect it will not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL lives in town part-time (1-2 months here,1- 2 months in her hometown). She is in her early 60s and is in good health. She has an apartment in our neighborhood. She is generally enthused about being a grandmother to our child and has a lot of toys and activities at her place for DD. We both work FT and have a baby on the way.

Right now, when she is in town, I might ask her to pick up our child from preschool afterschool (3 year old) once or twice, and babysit one or two Sat nights (we always come home to do bath/bed ourselves). From what I can tell, she has happily done all of these things. I really do not think any of these things are big lifts, so to speak.

I would like to up the ante, so to speak, and ask her to do more, like pick up our child earlier so she doesn't have to be in afterschool. I would still come home in time to cook dinner, so I wouldn't ask her to do anything like that.

DH is reluctant because his mother is easily overwhelmed. Also she has a very passive personality so she'll never really offer to do anything nor will she ever really complain directly (except in a passive aggressive way).

I know the answer here is that I should defer to DH about how to deal with his own mother. It is hard because I come from a culture where grandparents help A LOT (eg I have a cousin whose mom basically lives with them during the week and provides FT childcare for a baby and shuttles a 3 year old to/from part time preschool). I feel like I am not asking her to do anything on that level. But most of the childcare burden during the week falls to me and if my parents lived in town and in our freakin' neighborhood they would help so much more than she does.

MIL has a huge divorce settlement so paying her/money is not an issue at all. In fact, she'd probably be totally offended if we offered.

Anyway this is just a vent, and I'm sure I'll be flamed for this.

Don't try to make this about her huge divorce settlement or her good health and love of her grandchild. This is all about you wanting her to do more than she has offered to do.

In my culture, if you ask then she is obligated to say yes. If you offer to pay, she is obligated to say no. Because these things are known, you are a not a good daughter in law if you ask.

[Anonymous]

OP here: thanks for the reality check.
In a slight S/O to my original question, given that she lives in our neighborhood (albeit part time) how often is reasonable to see her?

[Anonymous]

Zero. You can expect zero and ask what she would like to do. It is up to her to tell you and up to you to try to facilitate.

Your resentment is clear which is sad for your child. Try to let that go so your child can have a relationship without all your judgements.