My husband told his parents that my job is disappearing

[Anonymous]

Your husband is still his parents' son. He's known them longer than he's known you. Could be that it stresses him to know you've turned down a position and won't be contributing financially for a while and needed to let it out by speaking with someone else. You need to grow up. You sound like you're about 14.

[Anonymous]

Please don't have children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should have made a plan with your DH ahead of time and given him a script about what he could and could not say to his parents when they called, because otherwise this was a no win situation for him.

Have him call them back and say "Just a heads up, Jane is feeling very sensitive about being laid off (use the words "laid off") and so I have to ask you not to joke or talk about it unless she brings it up."

But you need to realize that in some families, little jokes ARE a way of being supportive and a way of being positive. Can you maybe find a way of reframing their remarks. For example, the sugar daddy remark. Isn't that their somewhat awkward way of saying you can depend on DH?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible your DH is upset and stressed about your job loss, and is (subconsciously) using his parents as proxies to express to you his disappointment and frustration? That's sort of how it sounds when I read your posts.

If your ILs have a history of being rude and intrusive that you and DH have discussed, then he knew they weren't going to react appropriately. As a PP wrote, he's known them longer than he's known you, so he knew they were going to react in a way that was going to make you feel uncomfortable when they saw you over the holidays. You're his wife; he owes you the courtesy of kindness, so this "sharing" isn't cool.

If your ILs are as difficult as you say they are, then it might be a good idea to develop a strategy for the holidays that will minimize unpleasantness. You're stressed enough as it is, and you need to be kind to yourself. I hope things work out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If your ILs are as difficult as you say they are, then it might be a good idea to develop a strategy for the holidays that will minimize unpleasantness. You're stressed enough as it is, and you need to be kind to yourself. I hope things work out for you.

Agreed. You say your husband has had to address his parents about things in the past. For this holiday, you need to let him know that you're feeling raw about your job loss, and that you need him to back you up. Ask that he step in on your behalf if the in-laws are being rude. And if the comments start, you can do your part in letting them know this isn't a subject for joking about.

If your husband supports you as you request, you're good. If not, then take this to the relationship forum.

(And it's true that like it or not, this is the family you married into. If your husband sides with them, that's really important info for you. PPs are right that you'd want to work through issues with your DH and his family before you ever had kids…)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. I completely respect the comments that I'm probably overreacting by threatening to leave, and clearly I am under a lot of stress (mostly self-imposed). However, I don't really think you can say this isn't a problem. DH knows how much his parents' comments bother me and he has had to have very serious conversations with his mother about not making negative comments to him about me (when I am not even there). These are people who love to cut me down and he knows it. We've long since agreed to not participate in their negativity with other people, yet he feeds it when it comes to his wife.

Clearly your husband smoked some crack before talking to his parents, OP. Sometimes people say things without fully thinking through the ramifications of their actions. I am sympathetic to this because I do it. However, I also don't take any shit from people. I understand why you're upset. Take some time to calm down. In the meantime, have your husband call his parents back and do damage control. Teach him that when his parents make cracks about the gold-digging whore you are, he is to stare at them with a look of half-boredom, a quarter pity for their stupidity in not getting it, and a quarter confusion while firmly saying, "That's not the case at all, and I don't know why you'd say that." If the in-laws are in your home when they make cracks he needs to give them one freebie with a warning. "Guys, I love you, but hate how you're talking about Larla. If you make a crack like that again, passive-aggressive or outright, I'm going to have to insist you leave." Then he has to follow through.

OP, meanwhile, you stay focused on what you need to do to get a new job.

[Anonymous]

OP I completely sympathize with you. Since it just happened, there is no need for him to tell this to his parents, especially since they have looked down upon you career in the past and he was most likely was NOT expecting a encouraging response from them.

The sugar daddy conversation is so offensive, I just dont understand why PPs think YOU are the one overreacting. I would be really mad. If they dont have words of sympathy for you, they should atleast keep quiet and so should your DH.

I would vocally express my hurt feelings to DH, check if he validates your feelings and if he does, work on a plan with him to deal with IL during the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it sounds like the in-laws reaction of making a joke out of it is quite insensitive. I can see why you are angry at them. But I don't understand why you are angry at DH. If DH lost his job, and my parents asked how he was, I would tell them - I don't lie to my parents, and omitting that sort of information in response to a question seems dishonest. I would not feel right about it.

Not OP (but feel strongly for her), but your parents probably don't have a past history of insulting your DH's career.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why everyone's attacking you, OP. I think it's reasonable to be annoyed. I'm sorry you are losing your job. I'd just have a talk with DH that it bothers you how you were portrayed because you're sensitive to your IL's comments. Then let it go. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I would totally be annoyed too. My mil is similar, frequently taking about how hard her son works and how I need to take care of him, despite the fact that I work longer hours. I'm sure if I lost my job she'd be the last person if want to hear since she thinks it's such a joke job. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I apologize for all the obnoxious posters, OP. Clearly, none of them has lost a job recently. It hurts a lot to lose your job, and you are to be forgiven for acting irrationally while you are processing this terrible upset.

Your DH should not have told his parents. He ought to have discussed with you first how to handle the subject of your job loss, especially since you are planning on spending Thanksgiving with them. I agree that you have a right to be angry with him for his behavior. He put his needs before yours, and in this instance that's just plain wrong.

You need to talk with him about what to do next. PPs have made some good suggestions. Getting angry with him is not always fair. Perhaps he was innocent, perhaps he was upset, perhaps he was just insensitive and stupid. But give him a chance to understand what he did wrong (explain it to him without emotion), and then give him the opportunity to do something to protect you from your in-laws.

You have to get this from him, OP. You must come before his parents. I know because I have faced a similar situation with DH and my in-laws. After much emotional anguish, I finally managed to explain unemotionally what I needed from DH (protection from his parents' nastiness toward me), and he did comply, as best he could.

Your DH can't make his parents change, so don't expect him to perform that miracle. But he can refuse to allow them to belittle you in his presence. If he puts his foot down, they will comply, or you both must leave. DH told his parents they couldn't criticize me or our children (yes, they did that too), or we would not see them. They are still extremely irritating when we visit them (and yes, we'll see them this week), but at least that nasty, critical behavior stopped. They likely criticize me and our children behind our backs, but at least they don't do it to our faces, and they no longer tell DH privately how awful we are!! The children love them, so they are in our future, no matter what.

GL, OP. And so sorry about losing your job. That really sucks. I hope you find another one you like better soon.

[Anonymous]

How terrible are your skills that you can't find another job while on severance.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the previous poster.

OP, I just lost my job too and I was given no warning. I had to leave the day they told me about it and it was a complete shock. It was not performance related. I got one months severance. We will likely have to sell our house and take kids out of private school because I doubt I can get a job in one month. Just be glad you don't have these extreme financial problems, but I do sympathize with your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How terrible are your skills that you can't find another job while on severance.

Who said I couldn't? The job that will soon be eliminate hasn't ended yet. Furthermore, at the time of posting, there hadn't been a single business day since the incident. How terrible is your reading comprehension?

[Anonymous]

I suggest that you and your DH come up with a joint strategy for dealing with the holidays. You need to talk to each other about how stressed each of you is (I am sure that you losing his job stresses him out although perhaps not quite as much as it stresses you out) and decide how best to navigate through what can be a difficult time of the year. Maybe you want to spend less time with your ILs this year than you usually do. Maybe he needs to have a private conversation with them before you see them.

The two of you also need to agree on a strategy before things get out of hand. My parents are difficult but I have a pretty thick skin so I ignore most of the cutting remarks. However, the first time my kids were old enough for my mother to start in on them I looked at her and said, "If you ever talk to my children like that again you will never see them again." Your probably do need to develop a thicker skin and your husband probably does need to step in a little more and set boundaries with his parents, but change doesn't happen over night. If you discuss before hand how to deal with this, and what would constitute a trigger for getting up and leaving, it will be easier for everyone.

My mother-in-law (may she rest in peace) used to complain about me all the time. I didn't bring the children to see her enough; I wouldn't let her stay at my house for weeks at a time; I took her son's attention away from her; I favored my mother over her; I didn't dress the children the way she would have; etc. I ignored the comments and my husband and I always had a good laugh after every visit.

You need to somehow get the mind set that you are both in this together and that the most important unit is the two of you. Once you have that other things start to roll off your back. Without that, your marriage is not going to be very strong.