My husband told his parents that my job is disappearing

[Anonymous]

I recently found out my position is being eliminated in a corporate restructuring, and the company doesn't have another relevant position for me. They did offer me a position that way much less desirable than my current one, in terms of setting me back quite a few years in terms of responsibilities. I turned it down because I thought it would set me back a lot in terms of my next job, and I am not so confident this restructuring is going to go well, so I don't want to hinge my future on this company. This all happened on Friday so I haven't had much time to process it, even though I spent the weekend outlining my strategy for next steps. Fortunately, I still have work for a few more weeks and they will be paying me for a while even after that. I am incredibly stressed out, but trying to keep calm, at least until I give it a fair attempt with job applications and whatnot. I was doing fine until my husband decided to tell his parents when he spoke with them on the phone this evening. He told them in response to a totally innocent question (along the line's of, "How's [my name]?) and he volunteered way more information than was necessary. To make matters worse, he spun it in the most negative way possible, telling them I'd lost my job and completely leaving out that it's not for cause, or that I will be getting paid for a while still. They immediately started with the jokes about how at least he's around to be my sugar daddy and all that shit. It's made even worse by the fact that they have a history of making digs at my job and career. Apparently, because I sometimes get home 10-15 minutes before DH, he is the breadwinner and the hard worker (with no basis in fact in terms of how much money we made or what we did all day). I hate to even make these comparisons between myself and DH, because we don't make them in our household, but he knows how much his parents' comments upset me and I feel like he voluntarily gave them ammo against me. I am so, so, ticked, I am tempted to apply to jobs all over the country, and go to the first one I get, even if it means living separately. We don't have kids so this wouldn't be a problem other than never seeing each other, which sounds like a great solution right now.

[Anonymous]

You seem to be WAY overreacting to this.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest growing up before deciding to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Agree the threat to live apart is overreacting, but I'd be totally annoyed too. Have you mentioned how upset you are to DH (I'm very stressed, still processing this myself, plus they've never respected my job equally, etc?)

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you have had just a horrible week and do need some processing time.

It also sounds like your DH was also processing the news and just made an honest mistake, but one that added to your stress.

Please forgive your DH. I heard a great quote once that I've always tried to remember, "When something bad happens, some couples run from each other, and some couples run TO each other. Try and run TO each other."

[Anonymous]

It is really stressful to lose a job. Is it possible that you are projecting some of your distress onto your husband? Can you just avoid the ILs for the duration, and have a talk with DH focusing on the positive things he can do to support you? It does get better!

[Anonymous]

Really? No one thinks it's a problem that a husband would be so negative exactly when he's supposed to be encouraging? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Drama queen. You took it to another level that was not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? No one thinks it's a problem that a husband would be so negative exactly when he's supposed to be encouraging? Wow.

Um no. I don't think your DH was negative by answering that you'd lost your job when his parents asked how you were. And since you were obviously in on the call since you know exactly what he said and how they responded, you could have interjected with additional information. You sound like a drama queen and your husband would probably be better off if you moved away. I can't imagine living with you on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Ammo? Grow up.

[Anonymous]

"he voluntarily gave them ammo against me...?"

Come on OP. You are rightfully upset about your job. But don't blow this out of proportion with your husband. Be mad at the universe and your employers. But dial it back for your spouse, the one you with whom you made a life, took vows, etc, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? No one thinks it's a problem that a husband would be so negative exactly when he's supposed to be encouraging? Wow.

I think for most of us, a husband saying to his parents: "Yeah, we got some bad news this week, Jane lost her job," would be considered entirely appropriate.

Now, if he said: "remember that lazy whore I married? Yeah, she totally f-ed things up and got fired, I think she did it on purpose that gold digger. If I every die under mysterious circumstances, make sure she doesn't get my money," that would be really bad. But it sounds like OP is reading the latter statement into the former.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is really stressful to lose a job. Is it possible that you are projecting some of your distress onto your husband? Can you just avoid the ILs for the duration, and have a talk with DH focusing on the positive things he can do to support you? It does get better!

OP Here. Part of the reason I am having a hard time is that this is right before the holidays. There is no way I can avoid the ILs, as we are spending the later part of this week with them and more time in December. If you knew my ILs you know this will be the favorite topic to talk about over Thanksgiving dinner. I really can't see how I can be expected to put myself through that and have any self-respect left at the end of it.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. I completely respect the comments that I'm probably overreacting by threatening to leave, and clearly I am under a lot of stress (mostly self-imposed). However, I don't really think you can say this isn't a problem. DH knows how much his parents' comments bother me and he has had to have very serious conversations with his mother about not making negative comments to him about me (when I am not even there). These are people who love to cut me down and he knows it. We've long since agreed to not participate in their negativity with other people, yet he feeds it when it comes to his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really stressful to lose a job. Is it possible that you are projecting some of your distress onto your husband? Can you just avoid the ILs for the duration, and have a talk with DH focusing on the positive things he can do to support you? It does get better!

OP Here. Part of the reason I am having a hard time is that this is right before the holidays. There is no way I can avoid the ILs, as we are spending the later part of this week with them and more time in December. If you knew my ILs you know this will be the favorite topic to talk about over Thanksgiving dinner. I really can't see how I can be expected to put myself through that and have any self-respect left at the end of it.

So were you expecting your husband to lie all through the holidays if they asked about your job? Do you really not see how you are overreacting? Also, were you in on the phone call or were you listening in? What stopped you from saying "yes, it is unfortunate. My company downsized and while they still had a position for me, it just wasn't going to work out." Take a step back and calm down. You want to separate from your husband over this? I feel bad for him.