My husband told his parents that my job is disappearing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really stressful to lose a job. Is it possible that you are projecting some of your distress onto your husband? Can you just avoid the ILs for the duration, and have a talk with DH focusing on the positive things he can do to support you? It does get better!

OP Here. Part of the reason I am having a hard time is that this is right before the holidays. There is no way I can avoid the ILs, as we are spending the later part of this week with them and more time in December. If you knew my ILs you know this will be the favorite topic to talk about over Thanksgiving dinner. I really can't see how I can be expected to put myself through that and have any self-respect left at the end of it.

look, you married into this family for better or worse. you need to get some thicker skin and just say "hey, i really don't want to talk about this now" and end the discussion. nothing happens in your presence without your permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. I completely respect the comments that I'm probably overreacting by threatening to leave, and clearly I am under a lot of stress (mostly self-imposed). However, I don't really think you can say this isn't a problem. DH knows how much his parents' comments bother me and he has had to have very serious conversations with his mother about not making negative comments to him about me (when I am not even there). These are people who love to cut me down and he knows it. We've long since agreed to not participate in their negativity with other people, yet he feeds it when it comes to his wife.

All he said was your lost your job. Which is true. He isn't feeding them anything. If you were part of the conversation, which presumably you were since you know exactly what was said between your husband and his parents, you could easily have stepped in to provide more explanation.

[Anonymous]

I would concentrate on finding another job, and not give a crap about what my in- laws thought...

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your emotions are running high because you are understandably upset about your job loss. You are projecting a lot of anger onto DH, but is this really what you are upset about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really stressful to lose a job. Is it possible that you are projecting some of your distress onto your husband? Can you just avoid the ILs for the duration, and have a talk with DH focusing on the positive things he can do to support you? It does get better!

OP Here. Part of the reason I am having a hard time is that this is right before the holidays. There is no way I can avoid the ILs, as we are spending the later part of this week with them and more time in December. If you knew my ILs you know this will be the favorite topic to talk about over Thanksgiving dinner. I really can't see how I can be expected to put myself through that and have any self-respect left at the end of it.

So were you expecting your husband to lie all through the holidays if they asked about your job? Do you really not see how you are overreacting? Also, were you in on the phone call or were you listening in? What stopped you from saying "yes, it is unfortunate. My company downsized and while they still had a position for me, it just wasn't going to work out." Take a step back and calm down. You want to separate from your husband over this? I feel bad for him.

My husband uses the speakerphone function in our small apartment. I wasn't part of the call so I thought it would be weird to jump in. Also, I was a little bit flabbergasted he said anything. I would never ask him to lie. He could have honestly answered the question with "we're fine" or any number of variations on that. We almost never talk about work with them because of their history of being a**holes about it. Part of the reason I am upset is that he tells me everything is okay, well fine...then act like it is. I need him to be positive right now. I know I am very stressed and going through a hard time, and I need him to make it better, not worse. Getting sh*t from the ILs is going to make the process more difficult. I also think it was MY news to tell, not his. At the absolute least, he needs to be positive in what he says around me. I don't think this is asking to much.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you've got some issues with your DH and his family. Maybe your idea of a separation isn't a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is an asshole and you should be furious and divorce him. I take it that is what you wanted to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really stressful to lose a job. Is it possible that you are projecting some of your distress onto your husband? Can you just avoid the ILs for the duration, and have a talk with DH focusing on the positive things he can do to support you? It does get better!

OP Here. Part of the reason I am having a hard time is that this is right before the holidays. There is no way I can avoid the ILs, as we are spending the later part of this week with them and more time in December. If you knew my ILs you know this will be the favorite topic to talk about over Thanksgiving dinner. I really can't see how I can be expected to put myself through that and have any self-respect left at the end of it.

look, you married into this family for better or worse. you need to get some thicker skin and just say "hey, i really don't want to talk about this now" and end the discussion. nothing happens in your presence without your permission.

Thank you, for the most helpful advice so far. You're right I am being overly-sensitive right now and I know it. It's not my usual self, but I am trying to give myself permission to be stressed out, given the circumstances. I really can't expect my husband to stand up for me the way I would for myself, as much as it would be nice.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to dial it waaaaaay back and grow a much thicker skin when it comes to the ILs. You are going to be around these folks for the rest of their lives. If you are going to get this upset about every even remotely negative interaction with them, you are in for a miserable life.

[Anonymous]

Something tells me you are never satisfied with what your husband does/does for you.

[Anonymous]

I think this thread belongs in the Relationships forum.

[Anonymous]

Well, it sounds like the in-laws reaction of making a joke out of it is quite insensitive. I can see why you are angry at them. But I don't understand why you are angry at DH. If DH lost his job, and my parents asked how he was, I would tell them - I don't lie to my parents, and omitting that sort of information in response to a question seems dishonest. I would not feel right about it.

[Anonymous]

wow, you are a complete pyscho

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you are psycho. I completely understand being annoyed at DH for volunteering information that you don't want to discuss with his parents (for me, it's always medical appointments which I then get nosy questions about). He could easily have said, "OP is stressed about some things happening at work right now" and left it at that, especially if he knows his parents are assholes about your job. This is something you and he should discuss ... but later. Right now, you need to focus on finding your next job. Channel your fury at them into laser-focus on getting an awesome job, and soon: there are lots of good reasons to do so, but the added joy of showing them up is not a bad thing either. Decide that you will not let their comments derail either your job search or your relationship with DH.

You also can tell DH that you need him to be super supportive and positive right now, and that includes running interference with in-laws over the holidays. He should be able to redirect conversations, or tell family members ahead of time that work is a stressful subject you'd prefer not to discuss. Then you will be in a better position to shut down any comments you do get. Nobody should talk about work at social gatherings anyway, it's a conversational crutch for people who haven't done anything interesting recently.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you have the right to be angry since your ILs reaction is completely as expected. I think your DH needs to speak up for you. Clearly he goes along with their jibes at you.