About to lose it with my SIL! Will not stop comparing her children with mine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you need to handle this directly.

"Tracy, I know that all of your suggestions are meant to be helpful, but they make me feel criticized and corrected. Our kids are built differently and will have different individual qualities - good and bad. I am so glad to have them all growing up together. However, I need to ask you to please stop making all of the suggestions and comparisons between the children. I will absolutely ask your advice and opinion when I want it. I really appreciate you respecting my request. So, let's talk about our Thanksgiving plans..."

Good luck.

This is so mature and grown-up I'm not sure many adults could handle it
I tried that approach with my own mother, with whom I had a dependent relationship with for 6 months (not childcare, but similar). She responded with such extreme nastiness that I don't think I will ever forget it. In hindsight, my mother just can't handle any form of criticism. Please tread carefully there.
You have my sympathies. You don't choose your family members, and they can annoy the heck out of you even when being extremely helpful in other respects.

[Anonymous]

I think it's weird that babies are so freaking big these days (and I had a big baby). I was a tiny baby as was my brother and we're fine. Her big babies aren't something she should be bragging about, and although yours are a little in the small side, it's totally not indicative of how they'll be when they're older. You could give her some advice for a change on healthy eating for children, etc. give her a taste of her own medicine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using SIL as daycare really exacerbates the problem. Since she's dealing with one of your children all day, of course she feels the need to say something about the challenges she faces with them...and since she's not a trained professional, it sounds like she's ill-equipped to deal with child development issues outside of what she's used to. Either open up and spell out very clearly what your kid's issues are and what your ped has to say about them, or (preferably) find other daycare. I think space will help this situation.

I guess I worded my OP wrong.

My 22-month-old doesn't have sensory issues, it's my five-year-old. Five-year-old goes to school, and afterwards to a friends. So, he is rarely being taken care of by SIL.

It's expected that my children were taken care of by "family" if I wasn't going to do it myself (essentially what MIL told me.) I don't want to cause anymore of a rift, just a stressor. SIL keeps DH sisters child too. I'm sure the entire family would be offended if I took DS somewhere else. With this baby I am trying to get a promotion to where I could work from home.

Ah.

This is the big red flag that wasn't in the original post, OP.

"It's expected that my children were taken care of by family...essentially what MIL told me....SIL keeps DH sister's child too...I'm sure the family would be offended if I took DS somewhere else..."

Your in-laws are telling you how you and your husband will raise your kids and you are lying down and saying "As you wish" because you fear offending them.

What is wrong with that picture?

What happens when your youngest is too small for your SIL's taste so she starts feeding your child things you dont' necessarily want your child eating? (hat happens when she takes your child somewhere without asking you, or otherwise....treats your child as if your child is hers ? She is going to go beyond just commenting and advising one day; you do see that, don't you? And you PAY her for this? Take your money elsewhere, OP.

Or is your husband all on board about only his family caring for your children? If so, you and he have bigger problems. His family is way, way too close -- geographically and in other ways too. Does your husband go along with all this? Or is he the "Oh, just ignore her, we have day care and it's family" route of being totally blind to how controlling they are?

I would talk with husband about boundaries, lots of them, now. When you have your baby, if you can't find that work-at-home job you want, will baby go to critical and controllin sister too?

Find day care. Your in-laws will cry that you're cold, you don't love them, you let strangers take care of your children. But the alternative is letting SIL (and I'm betting MIL does it too) tell you how to raise your children, every day, eternally.

[Anonymous]

Op probably is Indian or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and his brother are very close, so we live very close to BIL and his wife. For the most part it's ok, we have built in playmates down the street.

However, SIL drives me mad with her constant obsession with what my children are doing compared to hers. We both have three, and I'm 20 weeks with #4. My DD is 7 and my two DS are 5 and almost 2. Her three boys are 3, 5, and 8...so we pretty much have alway had pregnancies together or with our youngest within a year of each other. It started with our oldest and got worse. My babies have been fairly small, DD was 6 pounds 3 ounces at birth, full term and perfectly healthy but small. The boys were both a little over 7 pounds which I find normal. She has gigantic babies. The last boy was 11 pounds, he to this day is in the 100th percentile for everything. SIL loves to tell me how her children are bigger because of their diet, their physical activity. I coddle mine too much, they get sick to much because I'm overprotective. It's never said in nastiness, but I still become so annoyed. With this pregnancy she has gotten worse, she asks me how it's she's growing. If I'm going to take this pill, or that pill so she's gains weight before the birth. I really don't need advice from the woman who put chicken broth in her 4-month-olds bottle. I always tend to repeat the phrase, "Well, they are two different children." When she compares the children. She is especially bad about our middle boys who were born within a month of one another. DS is slightly underweight, he has sensory issues and eating has always been a hassle. She LOVES to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I need to be more aggressive with him eating, I need to essentially force feed him. I always say, "Ok, thanks but the speech therapist has other recommendations." I can't be to harsh with her because she keeps my youngest while DH and I work. Is this something I need to let just slide, or is there a mature way I can address this?

this is your problem. I'm sorry, but as soon as someone else provides you free daily childcare on a regular basis, you have created an awkward situation.

I would find another source of childcare, and then I would draw some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't pay for childcare, you take what you get. Sorry.

I do pay

I'm the PP above. I didn't see this.

If you pay, then pay someone else. It sounds like you don't agree with her child rearing, she clearly has boundary issues. Find a different childcare provider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using SIL as daycare really exacerbates the problem. Since she's dealing with one of your children all day, of course she feels the need to say something about the challenges she faces with them...and since she's not a trained professional, it sounds like she's ill-equipped to deal with child development issues outside of what she's used to. Either open up and spell out very clearly what your kid's issues are and what your ped has to say about them, or (preferably) find other daycare. I think space will help this situation.

I guess I worded my OP wrong.

My 22-month-old doesn't have sensory issues, it's my five-year-old. Five-year-old goes to school, and afterwards to a friends. So, he is rarely being taken care of by SIL.

It's expected that my children were taken care of by "family" if I wasn't going to do it myself (essentially what MIL told me.) I don't want to cause anymore of a rift, just a stressor. SIL keeps DH sisters child too. I'm sure the entire family would be offended if I took DS somewhere else. With this baby I am trying to get a promotion to where I could work from home.

So you let your MIL dictate or strongly influence your child care decisions? Really? Who cares what your MIL "expects"? Any rift resulting from not putting up with that nonsense would be your MIL's fault, not yours.

DH makes the financial decisions, and it's cheaper to have her watch them. It's essentially out of my hands, thanks for your concern ladies but my question is directly related to fixing this relationship.

I'm sorry, but deciding the childcare arrangement for your child should NOT be out of your hands. No one spouse should make financial decisions alone. It should always be a partnership. What people are trying to tell you is that part of fixing the relationship is changing the childcare situation. So long as SIL is caring for your kid, she is always going to feel she has a say and knows better. You will never be able to draw boundaries so long as she is your nanny. period. So there is not "fixing" the relationship without removing that aspect of it.

But if you have given up any say in the financial or childcare decisions your family makes, then no wonder she feels she can and should tell you what to do.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm going to hazard a guess that she has a little bit of envy that you have a girl and two boys and she has 3 boys. I have all of one kind and do feel some envy of friends who have both. She's probably trying to make herself feel better about her kids. I see this bit of darkness in myself sometimes and have to work not to let it out. I don't like it about myself but it's true.

[Anonymous]

"You know, if it would make you feel better, I can give you my pediatrician's number."

[Anonymous]

You need to be more passive-aggressive and bitchy with her. She'll stop making the comparisons if the conversations go in ways that she doesn't like. When she starts talking about how big her children are compared to yours, start talking about childhood obesity and diabetes and IQ. Say something like this in your sweetest, most sincere, innocent voice: "I'm really glad my kids aren't in the 100% percentile. I worry about obesity. More and more kids are getting Type 2 diabetes and I heard it affects IQ in a negative way. And you know, the bigger kids get teased at school a lot."

If she wants to talk about what your other child's SN are, say in your best, chipper voice: "It's really frustrating, but my kid's doctor says that it's often the most gifted kids who have these quirky problems in other areas. " (Cite "The Dyslexic Advantage" and the SENG website and Hoagie's for more info.)

[Anonymous]

I don't like to be mean but it sounds like your kids do have issues OP. she's probably trying to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You know, if it would make you feel better, I can give you my pediatrician's number."

Ding! Ding! We have a winner. Excellent response. Just say it every time SIL makes the comparison. Every.single.time.

[Anonymous]

Her son is getting quality care as he gets to spend the day cared for by family and bonding with his cousins. I WISH I'd had an option like that. Count your blessings there OP.

My guess is SIL is intimidated as the only SAHM in the group. She probably compares because childcare is the one area she feels she can reign in. I agree with the poster who said to look at her in complete silence every time she makes one of those comments. Or have your DH talk to her about it.

[Anonymous]

OP,you are a wimp.
Your hubby makes all the decisions based on money.
Your MIL decides your child's care.
You sound like a loser, I would bully you too, just for fun.

What now you want to get a back bone against your SIL?
Why?
You don't have one with your DH or your ILs.

Plus, you don't even get free child's care. You still have to pay, but not to the person you like. Lol

Your SIL is laughing it up. She can do as she pleases. She doesn't even have to work.
Bet your DH makes you work since he is so budget conscious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using SIL as daycare really exacerbates the problem. Since she's dealing with one of your children all day, of course she feels the need to say something about the challenges she faces with them...and since she's not a trained professional, it sounds like she's ill-equipped to deal with child development issues outside of what she's used to. Either open up and spell out very clearly what your kid's issues are and what your ped has to say about them, or (preferably) find other daycare. I think space will help this situation.

I guess I worded my OP wrong.

My 22-month-old doesn't have sensory issues, it's my five-year-old. Five-year-old goes to school, and afterwards to a friends. So, he is rarely being taken care of by SIL.

It's expected that my children were taken care of by "family" if I wasn't going to do it myself (essentially what MIL told me.) I don't want to cause anymore of a rift, just a stressor. SIL keeps DH sisters child too. I'm sure the entire family would be offended if I took DS somewhere else. With this baby I am trying to get a promotion to where I could work from home.

So you let your MIL dictate or strongly influence your child care decisions? Really? Who cares what your MIL "expects"? Any rift resulting from not putting up with that nonsense would be your MIL's fault, not yours.

DH makes the financial decisions, and it's cheaper to have her watch them. It's essentially out of my hands, thanks for your concern ladies but my question is directly related to fixing this relationship.

Is your son getting quality care where he is? If not, would he be better off somewhere else? If so, what would be the ideal situation for him?

Every childcare situation has it's trade offs, OP. With your SIL you at least get to hear everything and all sides about your child's day and he gets to play with kids that you know well. At a daycare he would be one of many kids and you might not get such a personalized report but there would likely be a wide variety of interesting activities for him to do and lots of kids to play with. A nanny might be just as annoying as your SIL but more expensive. Staying at home yourself might not provide adequate socialization for either one of you and your own career marketability (earning potential) might suffer in the long run.

There is no perfect situation, we just make the best decision we can for our own kids.

I trust SIL as a caregiver. She loves my children, and DS has a wonderful time with his cousins. I'm not at the point where I want to take him to a daycare. DH says I'm being to sensitive.