About to lose it with my SIL! Will not stop comparing her children with mine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op probably is Indian or something like that.

No.

DH is American born, but of Russian descent. I was born in Macedonia.

Yes, both of our families are very traditional and look down on women working outside the house. I love DH, and dealing with the inlaws is just part of the package. They aren't running our lives, but do have a lot of influence since they paid both of our ways through school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be more passive-aggressive and bitchy with her. She'll stop making the comparisons if the conversations go in ways that she doesn't like. When she starts talking about how big her children are compared to yours, start talking about childhood obesity and diabetes and IQ. Say something like this in your sweetest, most sincere, innocent voice: "I'm really glad my kids aren't in the 100% percentile. I worry about obesity. More and more kids are getting Type 2 diabetes and I heard it affects IQ in a negative way. And you know, the bigger kids get teased at school a lot."

If she wants to talk about what your other child's SN are, say in your best, chipper voice: "It's really frustrating, but my kid's doctor says that it's often the most gifted kids who have these quirky problems in other areas. " (Cite "The Dyslexic Advantage" and the SENG website and Hoagie's for more info.)

That's not my style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using SIL as daycare really exacerbates the problem. Since she's dealing with one of your children all day, of course she feels the need to say something about the challenges she faces with them...and since she's not a trained professional, it sounds like she's ill-equipped to deal with child development issues outside of what she's used to. Either open up and spell out very clearly what your kid's issues are and what your ped has to say about them, or (preferably) find other daycare. I think space will help this situation.

I guess I worded my OP wrong.

My 22-month-old doesn't have sensory issues, it's my five-year-old. Five-year-old goes to school, and afterwards to a friends. So, he is rarely being taken care of by SIL.

It's expected that my children were taken care of by "family" if I wasn't going to do it myself (essentially what MIL told me.) I don't want to cause anymore of a rift, just a stressor. SIL keeps DH sisters child too. I'm sure the entire family would be offended if I took DS somewhere else. With this baby I am trying to get a promotion to where I could work from home.

So you let your MIL dictate or strongly influence your child care decisions? Really? Who cares what your MIL "expects"? Any rift resulting from not putting up with that nonsense would be your MIL's fault, not yours.

DH makes the financial decisions, and it's cheaper to have her watch them. It's essentially out of my hands, thanks for your concern ladies but my question is directly related to fixing this relationship.

Is your son getting quality care where he is? If not, would he be better off somewhere else? If so, what would be the ideal situation for him?

Every childcare situation has it's trade offs, OP. With your SIL you at least get to hear everything and all sides about your child's day and he gets to play with kids that you know well. At a daycare he would be one of many kids and you might not get such a personalized report but there would likely be a wide variety of interesting activities for him to do and lots of kids to play with. A nanny might be just as annoying as your SIL but more expensive. Staying at home yourself might not provide adequate socialization for either one of you and your own career marketability (earning potential) might suffer in the long run.

There is no perfect situation, we just make the best decision we can for our own kids.

I trust SIL as a caregiver. She loves my children, and DS has a wonderful time with his cousins. I'm not at the point where I want to take him to a daycare. DH says I'm being to sensitive.

Of course he says that's, he is controlling and minimizes your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to hazard a guess that she has a little bit of envy that you have a girl and two boys and she has 3 boys. I have all of one kind and do feel some envy of friends who have both. She's probably trying to make herself feel better about her kids. I see this bit of darkness in myself sometimes and have to work not to let it out. I don't like it about myself but it's true.

No. She has stated many times she's glad she doesn't have girls. She is distant with my daughter. When we told her I was expecting another girl she said, "Oh, too bad. And this one is your last one? You sure?"

I think she lacks confidence in other areas. She is fairly uneducated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op probably is Indian or something like that.

No.

DH is American born, but of Russian descent. I was born in Macedonia.

Yes, both of our families are very traditional and look down on women working outside the house. I love DH, and dealing with the inlaws is just part of the package. They aren't running our lives, but do have a lot of influence since they paid both of our ways through school.

So because they paid for school, they have influence over your life?
How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be more passive-aggressive and bitchy with her. She'll stop making the comparisons if the conversations go in ways that she doesn't like. When she starts talking about how big her children are compared to yours, start talking about childhood obesity and diabetes and IQ. Say something like this in your sweetest, most sincere, innocent voice: "I'm really glad my kids aren't in the 100% percentile. I worry about obesity. More and more kids are getting Type 2 diabetes and I heard it affects IQ in a negative way. And you know, the bigger kids get teased at school a lot."

If she wants to talk about what your other child's SN are, say in your best, chipper voice: "It's really frustrating, but my kid's doctor says that it's often the most gifted kids who have these quirky problems in other areas. " (Cite "The Dyslexic Advantage" and the SENG website and Hoagie's for more info.)

That's not my style.

What is your style?
Whatever your hubby says?
Or what your MIL tells you to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op probably is Indian or something like that.

No.

DH is American born, but of Russian descent. I was born in Macedonia.

Yes, both of our families are very traditional and look down on women working outside the house. I love DH, and dealing with the inlaws is just part of the package. They aren't running our lives, but do have a lot of influence since they paid both of our ways through school.

OP, can you possibly step back objectively and read your statement above as others might see it from outside?

You are effectively saying here that your in-laws have purchased[i] the right to raise your kids as they like.

This will not get better because SIL "loves" your kids. A lot of people love kids and are still bad for them. Not TO them, but FOR them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be more passive-aggressive and bitchy with her. She'll stop making the comparisons if the conversations go in ways that she doesn't like. When she starts talking about how big her children are compared to yours, start talking about childhood obesity and diabetes and IQ. Say something like this in your sweetest, most sincere, innocent voice: "I'm really glad my kids aren't in the 100% percentile. I worry about obesity. More and more kids are getting Type 2 diabetes and I heard it affects IQ in a negative way. And you know, the bigger kids get teased at school a lot."

If she wants to talk about what your other child's SN are, say in your best, chipper voice: "It's really frustrating, but my kid's doctor says that it's often the most gifted kids who have these quirky problems in other areas. " (Cite "The Dyslexic Advantage" and the SENG website and Hoagie's for more info.)

That's not my style.

What is your style?
Whatever your hubby says?
Or what your MIL tells you to do?

Her style is "doormat."