About to lose it with my SIL! Will not stop comparing her children with mine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be hesitant to leave my child with a person who feels that force feeding a kid/baby is o.k. (seriously?)

As far as the big baby thing goes. Both of my sons were under 7 pounds at birth but at the rate they are growing they will both be 6 feet tall. It has less to do with their fab diets and the "rightness" of everything that I do with/for them and a lot more to do with the fact that dh is 6' tall.

The fact that your SIL is taking credit for her kids' size is really kind of laughable. Does she take credit for the sun rising every day, too?

If your kids are genetically big, why did you grow them so small?
That speaks volumes.

Well, duh. It was more convenient for me. Fewer stretch marks, easier to carry them around when they were babies. Sometimes it's just all gotta be about me, KWIM?

[Anonymous]

Using SIL as daycare really exacerbates the problem. Since she's dealing with one of your children all day, of course she feels the need to say something about the challenges she faces with them...and since she's not a trained professional, it sounds like she's ill-equipped to deal with child development issues outside of what she's used to. Either open up and spell out very clearly what your kid's issues are and what your ped has to say about them, or (preferably) find other daycare. I think space will help this situation.

[Anonymous]

She is just yanking your chain. Don't fall for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Using SIL as daycare really exacerbates the problem. Since she's dealing with one of your children all day, of course she feels the need to say something about the challenges she faces with them...and since she's not a trained professional, it sounds like she's ill-equipped to deal with child development issues outside of what she's used to. Either open up and spell out very clearly what your kid's issues are and what your ped has to say about them, or (preferably) find other daycare. I think space will help this situation.

I guess I worded my OP wrong.

My 22-month-old doesn't have sensory issues, it's my five-year-old. Five-year-old goes to school, and afterwards to a friends. So, he is rarely being taken care of by SIL.

It's expected that my children were taken care of by "family" if I wasn't going to do it myself (essentially what MIL told me.) I don't want to cause anymore of a rift, just a stressor. SIL keeps DH sisters child too. I'm sure the entire family would be offended if I took DS somewhere else. With this baby I am trying to get a promotion to where I could work from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using SIL as daycare really exacerbates the problem. Since she's dealing with one of your children all day, of course she feels the need to say something about the challenges she faces with them...and since she's not a trained professional, it sounds like she's ill-equipped to deal with child development issues outside of what she's used to. Either open up and spell out very clearly what your kid's issues are and what your ped has to say about them, or (preferably) find other daycare. I think space will help this situation.

I guess I worded my OP wrong.

My 22-month-old doesn't have sensory issues, it's my five-year-old. Five-year-old goes to school, and afterwards to a friends. So, he is rarely being taken care of by SIL.

It's expected that my children were taken care of by "family" if I wasn't going to do it myself (essentially what MIL told me.) I don't want to cause anymore of a rift, just a stressor. SIL keeps DH sisters child too. I'm sure the entire family would be offended if I took DS somewhere else. With this baby I am trying to get a promotion to where I could work from home.

Well, you can't work from home and take care of children. You still need childcare.

Also, your children ARE being taken care of by non-family if you're sending your 5 yr old to a "friend". Are you paying that friend, too? Why don't you just hire a competent nanny to take care of all of yuor children? The whole situation sounds like a mess of caregivers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL used to have small babies and mine were big.
I did like to pour salt in her wounds by rubbing it in.
Told her how I ate healthy and wasn't afraid to gain weight.
I could tell it was a weak spot for her and I loved it.

Wow, you're an asshole.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you need to handle this directly.

"Tracy, I know that all of your suggestions are meant to be helpful, but they make me feel criticized and corrected. Our kids are built differently and will have different individual qualities - good and bad. I am so glad to have them all growing up together. However, I need to ask you to please stop making all of the suggestions and comparisons between the children. I will absolutely ask your advice and opinion when I want it. I really appreciate you respecting my request. So, let's talk about our Thanksgiving plans..."

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be hesitant to leave my child with a person who feels that force feeding a kid/baby is o.k. (seriously?)

As far as the big baby thing goes. Both of my sons were under 7 pounds at birth but at the rate they are growing they will both be 6 feet tall. It has less to do with their fab diets and the "rightness" of everything that I do with/for them and a lot more to do with the fact that dh is 6' tall.

The fact that your SIL is taking credit for her kids' size is really kind of laughable. Does she take credit for the sun rising every day, too?

If your kids are genetically big, why did you grow them so small?
That speaks volumes.

Are you stupid? Seriously. The size of a baby when they are born is not directly tied to their birthweight. I know lots of tall people who were skinny babies, including myself. I also know a few people of average height who were gigantic babies.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, that should say "the size of a baby when they are born is not directly tied to their adult size."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using SIL as daycare really exacerbates the problem. Since she's dealing with one of your children all day, of course she feels the need to say something about the challenges she faces with them...and since she's not a trained professional, it sounds like she's ill-equipped to deal with child development issues outside of what she's used to. Either open up and spell out very clearly what your kid's issues are and what your ped has to say about them, or (preferably) find other daycare. I think space will help this situation.

I guess I worded my OP wrong.

My 22-month-old doesn't have sensory issues, it's my five-year-old. Five-year-old goes to school, and afterwards to a friends. So, he is rarely being taken care of by SIL.

It's expected that my children were taken care of by "family" if I wasn't going to do it myself (essentially what MIL told me.) I don't want to cause anymore of a rift, just a stressor. SIL keeps DH sisters child too. I'm sure the entire family would be offended if I took DS somewhere else. With this baby I am trying to get a promotion to where I could work from home.

So you let your MIL dictate or strongly influence your child care decisions? Really? Who cares what your MIL "expects"? Any rift resulting from not putting up with that nonsense would be your MIL's fault, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using SIL as daycare really exacerbates the problem. Since she's dealing with one of your children all day, of course she feels the need to say something about the challenges she faces with them...and since she's not a trained professional, it sounds like she's ill-equipped to deal with child development issues outside of what she's used to. Either open up and spell out very clearly what your kid's issues are and what your ped has to say about them, or (preferably) find other daycare. I think space will help this situation.

I guess I worded my OP wrong.

My 22-month-old doesn't have sensory issues, it's my five-year-old. Five-year-old goes to school, and afterwards to a friends. So, he is rarely being taken care of by SIL.

It's expected that my children were taken care of by "family" if I wasn't going to do it myself (essentially what MIL told me.) I don't want to cause anymore of a rift, just a stressor. SIL keeps DH sisters child too. I'm sure the entire family would be offended if I took DS somewhere else. With this baby I am trying to get a promotion to where I could work from home.

So you let your MIL dictate or strongly influence your child care decisions? Really? Who cares what your MIL "expects"? Any rift resulting from not putting up with that nonsense would be your MIL's fault, not yours.

DH makes the financial decisions, and it's cheaper to have her watch them. It's essentially out of my hands, thanks for your concern ladies but my question is directly related to fixing this relationship.

[Anonymous]

What does your DH think about this? It's his brother's wife.

Agree with 10:19 that you should speak with her directly about this. It may not change anything, but definitely nothing will change if you don't speak up and say that it's bothering you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using SIL as daycare really exacerbates the problem. Since she's dealing with one of your children all day, of course she feels the need to say something about the challenges she faces with them...and since she's not a trained professional, it sounds like she's ill-equipped to deal with child development issues outside of what she's used to. Either open up and spell out very clearly what your kid's issues are and what your ped has to say about them, or (preferably) find other daycare. I think space will help this situation.

I guess I worded my OP wrong.

My 22-month-old doesn't have sensory issues, it's my five-year-old. Five-year-old goes to school, and afterwards to a friends. So, he is rarely being taken care of by SIL.

It's expected that my children were taken care of by "family" if I wasn't going to do it myself (essentially what MIL told me.) I don't want to cause anymore of a rift, just a stressor. SIL keeps DH sisters child too. I'm sure the entire family would be offended if I took DS somewhere else. With this baby I am trying to get a promotion to where I could work from home.

So you let your MIL dictate or strongly influence your child care decisions? Really? Who cares what your MIL "expects"? Any rift resulting from not putting up with that nonsense would be your MIL's fault, not yours.

DH makes the financial decisions, and it's cheaper to have her watch them. It's essentially out of my hands, thanks for your concern ladies but my question is directly related to fixing this relationship.

Does MIL tell DH which position to fuck you in?
Does DH give you an allowance? Are you allowed to drive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you need to handle this directly.

"Tracy, I know that all of your suggestions are meant to be helpful, but they make me feel criticized and corrected. Our kids are built differently and will have different individual qualities - good and bad. I am so glad to have them all growing up together. However, I need to ask you to please stop making all of the suggestions and comparisons between the children. I will absolutely ask your advice and opinion when I want it. I really appreciate you respecting my request. So, let's talk about our Thanksgiving plans..."

Good luck.

Ignore the PPs, OP. I like the above approach. Maybe add something positive at the beginning to help get the conversation started with the right tone. "I admire so many of the things you do as a mom." (Or something similar that you can say honestly). "You do so many things right, but I guess I've decided that there is more than one right way to address all these parenting challenges."

I just listened to a speaker talk about the dangers of "stuffing" frustration and irritations like these and she suggested having a conversation similar to the one above during a time when things are amicable between you and starting the conversation with something positive. She asserted that if you don't address these type of issues, the frustration can build up and come out in a more damaging way or you slowly lose the relationship (you start to avoid the person, etc -- I guess not likely in your case) but that you can keep and improve the relationship by addressing it (in a measured and compassionate way). Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using SIL as daycare really exacerbates the problem. Since she's dealing with one of your children all day, of course she feels the need to say something about the challenges she faces with them...and since she's not a trained professional, it sounds like she's ill-equipped to deal with child development issues outside of what she's used to. Either open up and spell out very clearly what your kid's issues are and what your ped has to say about them, or (preferably) find other daycare. I think space will help this situation.

I guess I worded my OP wrong.

My 22-month-old doesn't have sensory issues, it's my five-year-old. Five-year-old goes to school, and afterwards to a friends. So, he is rarely being taken care of by SIL.

It's expected that my children were taken care of by "family" if I wasn't going to do it myself (essentially what MIL told me.) I don't want to cause anymore of a rift, just a stressor. SIL keeps DH sisters child too. I'm sure the entire family would be offended if I took DS somewhere else. With this baby I am trying to get a promotion to where I could work from home.

So you let your MIL dictate or strongly influence your child care decisions? Really? Who cares what your MIL "expects"? Any rift resulting from not putting up with that nonsense would be your MIL's fault, not yours.

DH makes the financial decisions, and it's cheaper to have her watch them. It's essentially out of my hands, thanks for your concern ladies but my question is directly related to fixing this relationship.

Is your son getting quality care where he is? If not, would he be better off somewhere else? If so, what would be the ideal situation for him?

Every childcare situation has it's trade offs, OP. With your SIL you at least get to hear everything and all sides about your child's day and he gets to play with kids that you know well. At a daycare he would be one of many kids and you might not get such a personalized report but there would likely be a wide variety of interesting activities for him to do and lots of kids to play with. A nanny might be just as annoying as your SIL but more expensive. Staying at home yourself might not provide adequate socialization for either one of you and your own career marketability (earning potential) might suffer in the long run.

There is no perfect situation, we just make the best decision we can for our own kids.