Disagreements about money, responsibility, childcare- help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really hurt right now after a pretty big disagreement, and I'd love to get some insights from others on our situation.

A few years ago, DH took followed a dream of his with a new career-- and I'm very glad he did. This new career pays very, very poorly-- not enough to support a family at all. It has amazing health benefits and offers a 4 days working, 4 days off schedule. There will be steady raises, but nothing really substantial for about 10 years.

He has 4 days off in each rotation, with ample opportunity to take on overtime work or even seek something extra to do for pay on the side as many of his colleagues do. He's done overtime 3 times in the past few years. I feel he should do this but he doesn't seem at all motivated to.

I freelance from home and earn the vast majority of our income.

Unfortunately, we scramble to pay our bills each month. My freelancing income is more substantial than any of my other job prospects (I'm not in DC)-- by most standards, I earn a pretty great income. But it's still a struggle.

For reference, we have one child who is not yet in full day school and one child who is.

The issue:

DH gets angry with me when our bank account runs low. Yet he rolls his eyes when I tell him I have to go do work, leaving him to take care of our kids on his days off. He says I "only do just enough" to get by and that I'm "running the family into the ground."

He says he does not feel emasculated that I earn the bulk of the income and does not seem motivated to go the extra mile to help our family stay afloat even on his four days off (when he admittedly is doing the bulk of the childcare on those days). We recently had a very low bank balance so I stayed up very late to ensure we'd have a little padding come morning time, once I handed the extra project in. I am constantly doing things like that out of necessity.

I just don't know what to do. I love DH very much-- he's always been there for me when I need him and he's a great father.

I admit that I resent earning the bulk of the income. I feel like I'm constantly juggling our bills (he does not know what our bills are, has no idea even how to log in to pay these bills-- he leaves all that to me), our kids, and taking on more work than I can handle just to keep us going.

A few months back we had a small windfall of money that allowed us to pay mortgage, etc. without scrambling. I took that time to catch up on some projects that were late-- a common symptom because I have to take on so many of them to earn enough money. This gave me some breathing room, but he is mad that I didn't earn for the few weeks the money helped cover. It's because I had to finish the projects I'd already been paid for. It honestly gave me a much needed break from the constant pressure.

I'm up to my ears in projects to complete for work, tired of the guilt trips, and tired (honestly) of being the main breadwinner.

I'm fine if you all tell me I'm totally wrong. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. Should DH try to earn more on his days off? Should I be blamed for our struggle and try to do more?

I want to work and like what I do. I just want some of the pressure lifted from my shoulders. It's weighing on my mentally and emotionally.

I could not live with this. I, too, am the main breadwinner in our house (DH is a teacher and I'm a lawyer), but this attitude would be my breaking point. What does your DH do with his free time?

If I were you, OP, I would insist that DH sit down and look at (a) your finances; and (b) your work setup/how you make money. If he will not do that, bring in a financial planner and have that person do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are in denial. You hate that you are the breadwinner. You feel guilty for feeling this way because being a firefighter is a noble thing.

If you are really proud of him and you love him so much, it shouldn't cause you so much angst. If you hate it then you should tell him. The resentment will only grow if you are not being honest with yourself.

I do hate that I'm a breadwinner. I have told him as much. But I would be much more okay with it if I didn't get the blame that things are tight. He can easily get overtime or extra pay, but isn't motivated to. So everything falls to me-- which is much easier to take if he appreciates it, gives me the time to work without a guilt trip, etc.

I wish it were more of a team approach to the finances and bucking up together when things are rough. That would make it much easier and less of a burden, since it's clear I'll have to be the main breadwinner for a while.

So there it is-- I want him to be more involved, less blame-y, and more understanding of what I handle.

Have you asked him why he doesn't do overtime and why he views financial shortfalls as your fault?

[Anonymous]

He needs to know your bills / complete financial picture. You should both sit down sometime when no one is upset, lay out the full picture of money/time obligations, and come up with a workable family solution together.

Try to let go of any blame or resentment, or any preconceived ideas about the 'right' solution. Make your first goal be to just get on the same page about the current situation / any problems / what your goals are for the future.

Only once you know you're confronting the same problems - as a team! - should the two of you try to work out solutions.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he needs to sell out and go corporate so he can be a real man and provide.

(Is that the answer you were looking for?)

[Anonymous]

I also think you need to talk more about finances together. Maybe once a week (or every 8 days, given his schedule?), I'd plan to talk in the evening. Go over how things stand budget-wise, big expenses coming up, your expected income coming in. Also, you can discuss your work schedule--possibly how many hours you've put in over the last period of time, what projects you have ahead of you.

He might be more inspired to work overtime if he feels he is working toward a specific goal. How are you doing on retirement/college savings? Or vacation/new car/home repair savings? Perhaps you would both feel inspired to work a little extra to put money toward those specific goals.

I agree that your work schedule should be made more regular, if possible, so that his time watching the kids is something he expects, rather than coming as something he can complain about.

Then, if he starts to complain about time/money, you know that you've discussed things. His guilt-tripping you is unacceptable, as it would be if you are guilt-tripping him for his doing the job you both agreed to. If he is still trying to blame you after being made more aware of your joint financial situation and your contributions to the family, I'd guess that counseling would be in order.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is my belief that the man should be the primary breadwinner of the nuclear American Family. I know not everyone will agree w/this and that is okay. I guess I am just old~fashioned, but that is how I see things.

However, if your husband is doing the bulk of the childcare right now while you do the bulk of the money earning, then I would say overall he is carrying his weight around. If you are both sharing childcare duties equally, then he needs to pick up some slack somewhere.

I think your husband is just putting too much pressure on you and this is causing you too much stress. He needs to stop putting you under all of this emotional duress and focus his energy on finding ways to earn money on his end.

No, you are not in the wrong.
I totally see your side of things OP.

Hopefully you two can work this out.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he needs to sell out and go corporate so he can be a real man and provide.

(Is that the answer you were looking for?)

IMO, a real man would be picking up the overtime shifts.

[Anonymous]

"OP, it is my belief that the man should be the primary breadwinner of the nuclear American Family. I know not everyone will agree w/this and that is okay. I guess I am just old~fashioned, but that is how I see things. "

In 2013??? Are you Amish?

[Anonymous]

You say he isn't motivated to do that extra overtime. What DOES he do when he could be doing extra work? If he's just lazing around then next time he gets on your case tell him to shove it and man up. Nothing irks me more than a lazy family man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say he isn't motivated to do that extra overtime. What DOES he do when he could be doing extra work? If he's just lazing around then next time he gets on your case tell him to shove it and man up. Nothing irks me more than a lazy family man.

She said he is doing the childcare on his days off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say he isn't motivated to do that extra overtime. What DOES he do when he could be doing extra work? If he's just lazing around then next time he gets on your case tell him to shove it and man up. Nothing irks me more than a lazy family man.

She said he is doing the childcare on his days off.

But she also said he could EASILY pick up overtime and mentioned child care is not a big deal so that's why I asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is doing childcare on his four days off (which I assume makes it possible for you to work those 4 days) then how would he also be working a second job or doing overtime? who would do the childcare those 4 days?

I would be watching our preschooler. He's in school in the mornings 3X a week. I would do my work in that time and after the kids' bedtime. The childcare thing isn't a huge deal (we wouldn't and don't have to pay anyone) because of the flexibility of freelancing.

The thing is, me "being home" often means I don't get full work days anyway. I'm asked for this, that, or the other and made to feel bad when I have to go work. Not all the time, but often enough.

Pp here - she said it wouldn't be a big deal here.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to pack up your work and head to Starbucks. Don't work at home unless absolutely neccesary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say he isn't motivated to do that extra overtime. What DOES he do when he could be doing extra work? If he's just lazing around then next time he gets on your case tell him to shove it and man up. Nothing irks me more than a lazy family man.

He watches the preschooler.

But pp is right... it's not a huge deal for me to watch the preschooler instead. Especially if he picks up overtime 3-4 evenings a month. 4 evenings a month and we'd have a lot more breathing room (day work is an option too, but he prefers night).

I'd say childcare duties are 50/50, household duties are 50/50, and income is 70/30 (me/him)...not including health insurance, which is provided by his employer.

To the other pp-- I do agree I should leave home to do work more often.

Lots of great tips-- thank you all!

It really helped to hear different opinions to wrap my head around this. We're still a bit miffed with each other, so I'll draft a formal budget and make sure we're on the same page. It might help him to see that my work isn't "abstract" and the money doesn't float from the sky.

I might even log my work hours, projects, money in, and money out so he sees everything I see.

To the pp who asked what I do-- I'm a writer. I do a lot of copywriting, general marketing, and other writing and web work for various businesses.

[Anonymous]

How many total hours are you each working per week?

Is he doing 4 12 hour shifts?

How many work hours do you put in a week (when not also providing childcare)?