Disagreements about money, responsibility, childcare- help!

[Anonymous]

I'm really hurt right now after a pretty big disagreement, and I'd love to get some insights from others on our situation.

A few years ago, DH took followed a dream of his with a new career-- and I'm very glad he did. This new career pays very, very poorly-- not enough to support a family at all. It has amazing health benefits and offers a 4 days working, 4 days off schedule. There will be steady raises, but nothing really substantial for about 10 years.

He has 4 days off in each rotation, with ample opportunity to take on overtime work or even seek something extra to do for pay on the side as many of his colleagues do. He's done overtime 3 times in the past few years. I feel he should do this but he doesn't seem at all motivated to.

I freelance from home and earn the vast majority of our income.

Unfortunately, we scramble to pay our bills each month. My freelancing income is more substantial than any of my other job prospects (I'm not in DC)-- by most standards, I earn a pretty great income. But it's still a struggle.

For reference, we have one child who is not yet in full day school and one child who is.

The issue:

DH gets angry with me when our bank account runs low. Yet he rolls his eyes when I tell him I have to go do work, leaving him to take care of our kids on his days off. He says I "only do just enough" to get by and that I'm "running the family into the ground."

He says he does not feel emasculated that I earn the bulk of the income and does not seem motivated to go the extra mile to help our family stay afloat even on his four days off (when he admittedly is doing the bulk of the childcare on those days). We recently had a very low bank balance so I stayed up very late to ensure we'd have a little padding come morning time, once I handed the extra project in. I am constantly doing things like that out of necessity.

I just don't know what to do. I love DH very much-- he's always been there for me when I need him and he's a great father.

I admit that I resent earning the bulk of the income. I feel like I'm constantly juggling our bills (he does not know what our bills are, has no idea even how to log in to pay these bills-- he leaves all that to me), our kids, and taking on more work than I can handle just to keep us going.

A few months back we had a small windfall of money that allowed us to pay mortgage, etc. without scrambling. I took that time to catch up on some projects that were late-- a common symptom because I have to take on so many of them to earn enough money. This gave me some breathing room, but he is mad that I didn't earn for the few weeks the money helped cover. It's because I had to finish the projects I'd already been paid for. It honestly gave me a much needed break from the constant pressure.

I'm up to my ears in projects to complete for work, tired of the guilt trips, and tired (honestly) of being the main breadwinner.

I'm fine if you all tell me I'm totally wrong. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. Should DH try to earn more on his days off? Should I be blamed for our struggle and try to do more?

I want to work and like what I do. I just want some of the pressure lifted from my shoulders. It's weighing on my mentally and emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. It sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and have a very serious conversation about your finances and figure out if there are places where you could save money you're currently spending. If I was in your position, I would use this as an opportunity to educate him about your family finances. His comments to you make it sound like he does not understand your workload and maybe feels that you have an unequal contribution to family life.

Do you have a monthly budget? How closely do you track your expenses?

[Anonymous]

I think you guys need to sit down and work this out. Is there a budget for things? Are you paying for things you don't necessarily need? If DH takes on jobs during his off days, will you have to pay someone to watch your non school aged kid/someone to watch the other kid after school?

But, in all honesty if you knew this was going to be how things were before he took the job (i.e low pay for him for a long time/you would have to pick up more jobs to make ends meet) I'm not sure what else you can do than have your husband quit his job and find a new one. It sounds like neither of you really thought out the repercussions of him taking this job.

[Anonymous]

If he is doing childcare on his four days off (which I assume makes it possible for you to work those 4 days) then how would he also be working a second job or doing overtime? who would do the childcare those 4 days?

[Anonymous]

Oh and to add, he should be involved in the finances and know the bills and budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is doing childcare on his four days off (which I assume makes it possible for you to work those 4 days) then how would he also be working a second job or doing overtime? who would do the childcare those 4 days?

I would be watching our preschooler. He's in school in the mornings 3X a week. I would do my work in that time and after the kids' bedtime. The childcare thing isn't a huge deal (we wouldn't and don't have to pay anyone) because of the flexibility of freelancing.

The thing is, me "being home" often means I don't get full work days anyway. I'm asked for this, that, or the other and made to feel bad when I have to go work. Not all the time, but often enough.

[Anonymous]

Is he good in bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP. It sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and have a very serious conversation about your finances and figure out if there are places where you could save money you're currently spending. If I was in your position, I would use this as an opportunity to educate him about your family finances. His comments to you make it sound like he does not understand your workload and maybe feels that you have an unequal contribution to family life.

Do you have a monthly budget? How closely do you track your expenses?

We've cut out cable and other extras. We don't buy very much that isn't necessary. Clothes from a nice consignment shop nearby, books from the library, Netflix, etc.

I agree he should be more involved in the finances-- he takes no interest, though I've tried to make a list for him.

I think you might be right that he doesn't understand my workload. When I express how much work I have to do, he seems to think it's my fault that I have so much-- like I should be able to handle more. But it's possible he really doesn't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he good in bed?

Haha, no worries there. Though he's often quite tired from an uneven schedule and it's probably not as often as it should be.

Sleep is a possible contributor as well. He does have "off" hours 2 nights a week. But when he's home, he tends to stay up playing video games or whatever.

[Anonymous]

You made this bed for yourself.

- You agreed to let him take this dream job
- You have a second child after he took this low paying job

Just look at the bright side. At least you are able to be the breadwinner and provide for the family. I would divorce this loser if I were you. If you must stay with him, then you must suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is doing childcare on his four days off (which I assume makes it possible for you to work those 4 days) then how would he also be working a second job or doing overtime? who would do the childcare those 4 days?

I would be watching our preschooler. He's in school in the mornings 3X a week. I would do my work in that time and after the kids' bedtime. The childcare thing isn't a huge deal (we wouldn't and don't have to pay anyone) because of the flexibility of freelancing.

The thing is, me "being home" often means I don't get full work days anyway. I'm asked for this, that, or the other and made to feel bad when I have to go work. Not all the time, but often enough.

I don't understand how this would help you at all. You'd be cutting a huge chunk of time out of those 4 days to watch your kids, and then would have to make up that work later. Seems you'd be stretched even thinner. Neither you nor your husband have thought this out well or worked out anything regarding it. You need to sit down and decide if it is really worth it for him to continue at this job. You also need to say when you're working, you are working.

[Anonymous]

Kind of have to agree with the pp who said you made this bed for yourself. Poor planning and probably unrealistic expectations of what this job change would entail. Not sure of the time line, but you either had 2 very young children at the time, were pregnant, or got pregnant after he changed jobs. Did you not think about expenses? Child care? Etc. poor planning on both your parts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is doing childcare on his four days off (which I assume makes it possible for you to work those 4 days) then how would he also be working a second job or doing overtime? who would do the childcare those 4 days?

I would be watching our preschooler. He's in school in the mornings 3X a week. I would do my work in that time and after the kids' bedtime. The childcare thing isn't a huge deal (we wouldn't and don't have to pay anyone) because of the flexibility of freelancing.

The thing is, me "being home" often means I don't get full work days anyway. I'm asked for this, that, or the other and made to feel bad when I have to go work. Not all the time, but often enough.

I don't understand how this would help you at all. You'd be cutting a huge chunk of time out of those 4 days to watch your kids, and then would have to make up that work later. Seems you'd be stretched even thinner. Neither you nor your husband have thought this out well or worked out anything regarding it. You need to sit down and decide if it is really worth it for him to continue at this job. You also need to say when you're working, you are working.

Yeah-- it sounds like we need to both do a better job of understanding things from the other persons' perspective.

It's not a question of whether he should continue this job-- it's something I'm so proud of him for. And our future will be just fine once we get over this early hump as he rises on the pay scale and gets promotions.

Also, his overtime pay is quite substantial-- with just 4 overtime shifts a month we'd be in much better shape. I should also mention that the overtime shifts can be at night. So we still have flexibility with childcare since he's home during daytime hours (and he gets to sleep on the shift). I wish he was more motivated and understood my position better. I'm just tired of the blame-- it would be easier to handle if he were appreciative, but he doesn't seem to be.

I agree that I need to be more specific and unwavering about my work hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kind of have to agree with the pp who said you made this bed for yourself. Poor planning and probably unrealistic expectations of what this job change would entail. Not sure of the time line, but you either had 2 very young children at the time, were pregnant, or got pregnant after he changed jobs. Did you not think about expenses? Child care? Etc. poor planning on both your parts

Sorry-- I was unclear about the timeline. The child was born already... the job change has been about 2 years, vs. 3, which is the age of ds (I shouldn't have said "few years" in OP)

[Anonymous]

^^ and we don't have childcare expenses, other than preschool for 3 mornings a week.