Disagreements about money, responsibility, childcare- help!

[Anonymous]

Can you expand on him being in school 3 mornings a week? how does that fit with this schedule? Why is he in school if this is his dream job and he isn't looking to advance or change careers - is it further training in his current job? Also does he have school work to do on top of the classes? School is kind of a second job in a way. I am not sure it is reasonable to expect him to work a full time job + school + a second job/overtime.

If he works nights and odd shifts then he may not be getting enough consolidated sleep. For example is he providing childcare after working a shift? If he picked up overtime and it was at night then he would need a quiet dark environment to sleep in the next day.

[Anonymous]

Was none of this discussed before he took this job? I mean really? You said he isn't going to get anything substantial for another TEN YEARS. I just, I can't get over the incredible lack of discussion and planning that seemed to happen when this job opportunity presented itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you expand on him being in school 3 mornings a week? how does that fit with this schedule? Why is he in school if this is his dream job and he isn't looking to advance or change careers - is it further training in his current job? Also does he have school work to do on top of the classes? School is kind of a second job in a way. I am not sure it is reasonable to expect him to work a full time job + school + a second job/overtime.

If he works nights and odd shifts then he may not be getting enough consolidated sleep. For example is he providing childcare after working a shift? If he picked up overtime and it was at night then he would need a quiet dark environment to sleep in the next day.

Sorry-- it's 3 yo ds who is in school 3 mornings a week. Not DH.

He sleeps on his night shifts. On nights where he is called out (he's a firefighter) I give him the time to sleep. Honestly, it doesn't happen often since his firehouse isn't super busy at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was none of this discussed before he took this job? I mean really? You said he isn't going to get anything substantial for another TEN YEARS. I just, I can't get over the incredible lack of discussion and planning that seemed to happen when this job opportunity presented itself.

No-- there was a lot of discussion and planning. It's just the reality of it that's been difficult. The job change was the right thing to do-- he was miserable at his previous job. We just have to figure out how to get through this for now.

[Anonymous]

Sit down TOGETHER and do a budget. Do you know how to do this? I use excel.

It might even be worth going to a marital counselor about this. And/or a financial planner.

Can you, OP, stop freelancing and get a traditional 9 - 5 job that pays more?

[Anonymous]

OP, you do realize that moving up isn't a guarantee right? There are limited openings for Lieutenant, Captain, District Chief, etc. Plus, some towns/cities are in pretty bad shape, and while it sounds like your husband has lucked out for the time being, there is no guarantee. My friend's husband has been a fireman for the last 6 years. for the past 2 years, he's been part of rolling lay offs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit down TOGETHER and do a budget. Do you know how to do this? I use excel.

It might even be worth going to a marital counselor about this. And/or a financial planner.

Can you, OP, stop freelancing and get a traditional 9 - 5 job that pays more?

We (well, I) budget. But it's a good idea to map it out in a spread sheet so we are both on the same page.

Freelancing pays more than I'd earn at any 9-5 I could get in my area (I have a teaching degree and earn much more than I did as a teacher). We'd also have to pay childcare expenses if I didn't work from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you do realize that moving up isn't a guarantee right? There are limited openings for Lieutenant, Captain, District Chief, etc. Plus, some towns/cities are in pretty bad shape, and while it sounds like your husband has lucked out for the time being, there is no guarantee. My friend's husband has been a fireman for the last 6 years. for the past 2 years, he's been part of rolling lay offs.

Their contract is pretty tight and their county is in great shape. And he is guaranteed the raises I'm referring to. Moving up in the actual ranks is a different story, of course.

[Anonymous]

You are in denial. You hate that you are the breadwinner. You feel guilty for feeling this way because being a firefighter is a noble thing.

If you are really proud of him and you love him so much, it shouldn't cause you so much angst. If you hate it then you should tell him. The resentment will only grow if you are not being honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'd recommend marriage counseling as well as a financial counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are in denial. You hate that you are the breadwinner. You feel guilty for feeling this way because being a firefighter is a noble thing.

If you are really proud of him and you love him so much, it shouldn't cause you so much angst. If you hate it then you should tell him. The resentment will only grow if you are not being honest with yourself.

I do hate that I'm a breadwinner. I have told him as much. But I would be much more okay with it if I didn't get the blame that things are tight. He can easily get overtime or extra pay, but isn't motivated to. So everything falls to me-- which is much easier to take if he appreciates it, gives me the time to work without a guilt trip, etc.

I wish it were more of a team approach to the finances and bucking up together when things are rough. That would make it much easier and less of a burden, since it's clear I'll have to be the main breadwinner for a while.

So there it is-- I want him to be more involved, less blame-y, and more understanding of what I handle.

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling. Only way you're going to be able to fix your issues.

[Anonymous]

He needs to sit down with you and embrace the budget so you're both on the same page. Doing this with some sort of neutral 3rd party might be helpful. Right now it seems like he doesn't respect your work (or at least that you don't feel like he respects your work).

How much would it cost to add 2 more mornings of preschool every week? Would that let you pick up enough extra work hours that you could cover the cost and have a little more breathing room for the projects you do? Would it give him some additional down time so that he's maybe more willing to pick up an extra shift, or at least catch up on sleep?

I think he needs to understand what your current monthly shortfall is each month, and how the two of you can work together to meet it. Maybe it's a compromise where he picks up 2 extra shifts a month and you are able to take one extra job a month (or whatever).

It's only for 2 more years, then your kids are in school and you can pick up extra hours as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to sit down with you and embrace the budget so you're both on the same page. Doing this with some sort of neutral 3rd party might be helpful. Right now it seems like he doesn't respect your work (or at least that you don't feel like he respects your work).

How much would it cost to add 2 more mornings of preschool every week? Would that let you pick up enough extra work hours that you could cover the cost and have a little more breathing room for the projects you do? Would it give him some additional down time so that he's maybe more willing to pick up an extra shift, or at least catch up on sleep?

I think he needs to understand what your current monthly shortfall is each month, and how the two of you can work together to meet it. Maybe it's a compromise where he picks up 2 extra shifts a month and you are able to take one extra job a month (or whatever).

It's only for 2 more years, then your kids are in school and you can pick up extra hours as well.

This post was a breath of fresh air-- it's exactly what we need to do. Thank you! Especially the part about it being 2 more years until both kids are in school. He'll have another pay raise by then (he's getting one in December as well) and that will help a lot.

We just need to be more of a team to get through this rough patch.

Thanks, everyone! You all sincerely helped a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you do?
(This is pure curiosity)