DH just had bypass and says he wants a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He might be going through depression after undergoing surgery...

Yes, this is very common. Get a good therapist and agree to go with him. Do it sincerely and know that you are getting important help for him post-surgery, as depression is very common and interferes with healing after heart surgery.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand people who "don't believe" in therapy. It's a very weird, defensive posture to take. Your husband is saying that he's at a crisis point, and wants to get therapy to try to fix your marriage, or else a divorce may be in the works. You can't understand where this is coming from. There is obviously a huge disconnect between you two. Therapy could help fix it and your family. Or, just give up and get the divorce, I guess.

[Anonymous]

I am with the husband on this one based on the very little we have been provided. Life is really too short to put up with crap from a stressor spouse. It's like some people think a marriage license is a license to just dump on their husband or wife and the poor fellow stick it out these years for the kids. The heart disease was the last straw.

[Anonymous]

I am not OP's Husband....I am an H that was doubly lucky: I had severe angina first, and a stent was appropriate treatment. I will say the aggravation / stress was triggering angina (I did not recognize it). What I read was DH needs a reduction in stress...medically and emotionally. Physically, the M is under a lot of pain from having his chest opened like a chicken. Those bones have to heal.

And Bypass is scary. I know my arteries almost left my wife a widow (40% of my heart was getting insufficient blood. OP's DH had bypass, meaning the blockage may have been more dramatic.

I think what he is saying is the stress OP is putting on him is killing him.

FWIW, I almost had a fatal heart attack at 49. My Dr's words not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

His cardiologist may well have told him that he needs to better understand his sources of stress as stress is a significant risk factor in heart disease and heart attacks. He may have realized that one of the main sources of his stress is his wife. What he is saying is that she (and her behavior towards him) is contributing in a significant way to his stress and to his deteriorating health.

Let me repeat, then. His problem isn't his wife's behavior, it's his reaction to his wife's behavior. Yes, you describe what he's saying reasonably clearly, but that doesn't make it true. He needs to take responsibility for his own health. Therapy can help with that. Family or couple therapy, because husband and wife need to learn to consider each other's feelings. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

His cardiologist may well have told him that he needs to better understand his sources of stress as stress is a significant risk factor in heart disease and heart attacks. He may have realized that one of the main sources of his stress is his wife. What he is saying is that she (and her behavior towards him) is contributing in a significant way to his stress and to his deteriorating health.

Let me repeat, then. His problem isn't his wife's behavior, it's his reaction to his wife's behavior. Yes, you describe what he's saying reasonably clearly, but that doesn't make it true. He needs to take responsibility for his own health. Therapy can help with that. Family or couple therapy, because husband and wife need to learn to consider each other's feelings. Good luck, OP.

You've obviously never lived with someone that causes you stress. You often can't just leave the situation. They keep you in their little stress zone. SHE needs to cut him a break. Should he just go on the patio and smoke and chill out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

His cardiologist may well have told him that he needs to better understand his sources of stress as stress is a significant risk factor in heart disease and heart attacks. He may have realized that one of the main sources of his stress is his wife. What he is saying is that she (and her behavior towards him) is contributing in a significant way to his stress and to his deteriorating health.

Let me repeat, then. His problem isn't his wife's behavior, it's his reaction to his wife's behavior. Yes, you describe what he's saying reasonably clearly, but that doesn't make it true. He needs to take responsibility for his own health. Therapy can help with that. Family or couple therapy, because husband and wife need to learn to consider each other's feelings. Good luck, OP.

This is such an odd point of view. When people interact, particularly in the intimacy of a marriage, their behavior impacts each other. The fact that you think that he should just learn to be zen about being treated poorly and that is the answer - is not the key to a happy marriage, or to him staying alive. Maybe his problem is his wife's behavior...just like sometimes a woman's problem is her husband's behavior. You can't just act however you want and treat people poorly and then say that the only problem is how the other person is reacting. And someone else's behavior can absolutely contribute to your stress and well-being and health. If someone hits you on a daily basis, the problem isn't that your reaction isn't to accept it, the problem is that someone is hitting you!

[Anonymous]

OMFG! Your post is stressful. You are a mess. Be kind and divorce this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

His cardiologist may well have told him that he needs to better understand his sources of stress as stress is a significant risk factor in heart disease and heart attacks. He may have realized that one of the main sources of his stress is his wife. What he is saying is that she (and her behavior towards him) is contributing in a significant way to his stress and to his deteriorating health.

Let me repeat, then. His problem isn't his wife's behavior, it's his reaction to his wife's behavior. Yes, you describe what he's saying reasonably clearly, but that doesn't make it true. He needs to take responsibility for his own health. Therapy can help with that. Family or couple therapy, because husband and wife need to learn to consider each other's feelings. Good luck, OP.

Ignore this. This pp wants your husband dead

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ignore this. This pp wants your husband dead

If he fails to take responsibility for his own health, he'll die young. He needs to watch his diet; he needs to exercise; and he needs to develop better ways of coping with things he finds stressful. It's hard to imagine a worse technique than telling a wife she's "killing you"; he obviously needs to learn to communicate. I suppose OP does, too, because these things aren't usually all one-sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is such an odd point of view. When people interact, particularly in the intimacy of a marriage, their behavior impacts each other. The fact that you think that he should just learn to be zen about being treated poorly and that is the answer - is not the key to a happy marriage, or to him staying alive. Maybe his problem is his wife's behavior...just like sometimes a woman's problem is her husband's behavior. You can't just act however you want and treat people poorly and then say that the only problem is how the other person is reacting. And someone else's behavior can absolutely contribute to your stress and well-being and health. If someone hits you on a daily basis, the problem isn't that your reaction isn't to accept it, the problem is that someone is hitting you!

Oh, if she's hitting him it's a different problem. I must have missed that part!

[Anonymous]

If you are as bad as he says he'll be lucky to be free.

[Anonymous]

Who knows what's going on in this marriage? Don dsike DH is raisi g l if this for the first time right after a time of crisis. Maybe he's just realizing argot image problem. Or maybe it's something else. If OP is so oppressive, I'm surprised be said nothing to her about it, for his sake or for the kids, until now. Pretty irresponsible I would think.

And perhaps DH also wants to place blame for his medical issues on someone else. Cardiac problems are traumatic, and people can beefy feeling very helpless, that they jack control o re their lives in some fundamental way. Perhaps DH feels like he has some control left by taking these steps in his marriage, like he can fix his heart if his wife would just change. He may also be feeling guilty if he has himself contributed to risk factors for cardiac issues. He almost left his wife and young children, for goodness. I would feel terribly guilty if I did this due to my own mistakes and choice (lack of exercise, stress, poor eating habits). Much easier to blame a spouse.

I am not saying what's going on one way or the other, but I wouldn't assume the worst about DH and the best about DH just because he had major surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

His cardiologist may well have told him that he needs to better understand his sources of stress as stress is a significant risk factor in heart disease and heart attacks. He may have realized that one of the main sources of his stress is his wife. What he is saying is that she (and her behavior towards him) is contributing in a significant way to his stress and to his deteriorating health.

Let me repeat, then. His problem isn't his wife's behavior, it's his reaction to his wife's behavior. Yes, you describe what he's saying reasonably clearly, but that doesn't make it true. He needs to take responsibility for his own health. Therapy can help with that. Family or couple therapy, because husband and wife need to learn to consider each other's feelings. Good luck, OP.

This is such an odd point of view. When people interact, particularly in the intimacy of a marriage, their behavior impacts each other. The fact that you think that he should just learn to be zen about being treated poorly and that is the answer - is not the key to a happy marriage, or to him staying alive. Maybe his problem is his wife's behavior...just like sometimes a woman's problem is her husband's behavior. You can't just act however you want and treat people poorly and then say that the only problem is how the other person is reacting. And someone else's behavior can absolutely contribute to your stress and well-being and health. If someone hits you on a daily basis, the problem isn't that your reaction isn't to accept it, the problem is that someone is hitting you!

I agree. I think the "you can only change how you react" theory is for people like cvs clerks and coworkers or your mother in law, not your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ignore this. This pp wants your husband dead

If he fails to take responsibility for his own health, he'll die young. He needs to watch his diet; he needs to exercise; and he needs to develop better ways of coping with things he finds stressful. It's hard to imagine a worse technique than telling a wife she's "killing you"; he obviously needs to learn to communicate. I suppose OP does, too, because these things aren't usually all one-sided.

Np here. This thread hits way to close to home for you so you are being incredibly thick headed. Heaven forbid someone tries to talk with you about something, you'll chuck the kitchen sink and 100 feet of plumbing at them.

I think that you should go to counseling OP. another obtuse member of society. Listen to your H.