DH just had bypass and says he wants a divorce

[Anonymous]

He probably feels like he was close to death, and now he wants to make sure that he makes good choices about how he lives the rest of his life. He thinks therapy is a good start to that, and I (and all the other posters) think that you should honor his request. What's your other option--letting him leave you?

[Anonymous]

A jerk might suggest only you get therapy, a good guy suggest you go together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A jerk might suggest only you get therapy, a good guy suggest you go together.

OP's husband suggested it for both OP and for the entire family.

The fact that OP can't even wonder, "Hey, maybe I am at fault here?" makes me think.

[Anonymous]

Your writing style is remarkably similar to the woman whose husband travels alot, who has 4 small children, who is a graduate student, and who is upset because her husband does not call when he travels. Are you just trying to break our boredom with weird dilemmas?

[Anonymous]

He's had a wake up call that he should not spend the rest of his life with compromises. If he suggests therapy you should go, but only if he's on board as well. There were/are issues that are there but have not been addressed in your marriage and homelife. Get on it. Agree with PPs about depression after major surgery.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand it may feel kinda weird for you confiding in a complete stranger your most intimate problems, but it sounds to me like your husband really thinks this is important for both your marriage and your family as a whole. Could you re-consider??

Also, he may have a point and he could be a jerk. I do not know since I do not live in your home.
However, I think it is wrong for him to place so much blame on his health on another person.

Completely unfair to me.

[Anonymous]

First, it is unfair that he blames you for his health problems, but remember that he is feeling very vulnerable right now!

Second, you should definitely jump on the couples therapy, because you two are definitely not communicating correctly.

Ultimately, OP, it DOES NOT MATTER who's right and who's wrong. All that matters is that you can find common ground and learn to communicate respectfully without fostering resentment.

On your side, you can learn to compartmentalize your stress generated by your work, etc, so that you don't stress out your husband. If you can afford it, outsource your house and yardwork to lighten the burden. Sign up for those batch meals you make at a kitchen with a chef and bring home to freeze (cannot recall the name).

See this as an excellent opportunity to strengthen your marriage through better communication.

[Anonymous]

First, it is unfair of him to make you responsible for his health issues. If it's right after his surgery, however, he's feeling fragile and needs to be forgiven. A good therapist can help him understand that "stress" describes his response, not your behavior, and can help you avoid feeling either angry about the accusation or guilty about it.

On the other hand, it may be that you are the kind of person who worries out loud, and he may not be the best audience. A good therapist would at least give you someone else to talk to about your own concerns. Your feelings about therapy aren't unusual, but I think they're worth overcoming long enough to give it a try.

[Anonymous]

I agree with what others have said, your husband is offering you a chance to work on your family, all of you. Jump at the chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, it is unfair of him to make you responsible for his health issues. If it's right after his surgery, however, he's feeling fragile and needs to be forgiven. A good therapist can help him understand that "stress" describes his response, not your behavior, and can help you avoid feeling either angry about the accusation or guilty about it.

On the other hand, it may be that you are the kind of person who worries out loud, and he may not be the best audience. A good therapist would at least give you someone else to talk to about your own concerns. Your feelings about therapy aren't unusual, but I think they're worth overcoming long enough to give it a try.

His cardiologist may well have told him that he needs to better understand his sources of stress as stress is a significant risk factor in heart disease and heart attacks. He may have realized that one of the main sources of his stress is his wife. What he is saying is that she (and her behavior towards him) is contributing in a significant way to his stress and to his deteriorating health.

[Anonymous]

How old is your husband that he had bypass surgery and still talking about daycare for your child?

Consider that perhaps you do create stress, but not intentionally. Maybe you come across that way if, for example, you're venting about your day or about x, y, z. Maybe you don't mean to, but you do.

On the flip side, can your husband find a way to deal with stress - exercise (when cleared by the doc.), a free for all 60 second rant each day to release pent up feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your husband that he had bypass surgery and still talking about daycare for your child?

Consider that perhaps you do create stress, but not intentionally. Maybe you come across that way if, for example, you're venting about your day or about x, y, z. Maybe you don't mean to, but you do.

On the flip side, can your husband find a way to deal with stress - exercise (when cleared by the doc.), a free for all 60 second rant each day to release pent up feelings?

The problem though is much bigger than a guy feeling a bit of stress. He is telling OP that he feels unappreciated, oppressed and insignificant. That he doesn't feel she value or respect his or his children's feelings or opinions. That is not going to be solved by a jog around the block.

[Anonymous]

People who don't believe in therapy usually turn their family members into unpaid therapits by inflicting their issues on them. It isn't fair or likely to end well. They need to get professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He might be going through depression after undergoing surgery...

THat doesn't make him wrong.

[Anonymous]

One thing to remember is when statements start with the words "I feel..." they cannot be wrong unless the person is unable to understand their own feelings. They need not be considered rational but they cannot be wrong. Therapy can help one to better understand feelings and couples therapy can help you understand each other better.

Its up to you from there if you chose to work on that understanding or not.