DH just had bypass and says he wants a divorce

[Anonymous]

I am a male. I have known that I was at an extreme risk for heart disease for 40 years (since I was 10). My health is my problem. I have to take ownership. But, when I was dating someone that only knew how to cook foods I shouldn't eat, and got upset when I did not eat much Kielbasa, for example, that was a problem. I explained the issue (I was 32 at the time, with no evidence of a problem other than LDL of 160, HDL of 15, total cholesterol of 250 on the maximum does of statins). I realized that I could not live with her, and we broke up.

My Wife is the other extreme...she thinks one drop of red meat will kill me. But, in the last year I have had metastatic cancer and a heart stent put in....she may be right.

[Anonymous]

First of all let me say that I am a fairly firm believer in the concept that you can only control yourself and how you react to a given situation AND / OR the situations you put yourself in

However those who are taking this line seem to neglect the concept that leaving the situation, through divorce, is one option for changing the situation the OP's husband finds himself in.

The other option he feels is reasonable and could be effective would be couple's therapy.

If the OP refuses counseling, refuses to explore other options the husband would find promising, and the husband does not find other options what choice is he left to change a situation he feels is unhealthy for him?

So yes this is on the husband to decide if this situation is one he wants to continue in. The present situation is unacceptable to him - make little doubt it is going to change through one of many ways - divorce, simply not being there, an affair, etc. He has offered counseling as an option he would like to try. If OP wants the relationship to continue it is in her best interest to seek it or an alternative the husband is willing to try.

[Anonymous]

your behavior is not going to kill him. by pass surgery is to create clear passages for the blood flow. His eatling like crap and not exercising caused that.

now if he deals with stress by eating and not doing anything then ok blame it on you but unless you forced him to act that way he has the issue.

tell him to hit the road.

[Anonymous]

OP has checked out. This was obviously a fake post.

[Anonymous]

I think DH here has been most gracious and reasonable and that DW cannot possibly see thst perhaps her behaving lika nag and shrew is dangerous to DH's health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He might be going through depression after undergoing surgery...

I do not think it is the case - he would not have the energy to go through divorce and therapy if he is depressed. More like he had an awakening due to the bypass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound very self aware. He's probably right. You should go to therapy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH just came home from the hospital after bypass surgery a few weeks back. He told me today that if I continue to create the stress on him I created before the surgery about the house, my career vs. his, child care, etc. that he wants a divorce. He says he doesn't want me to "kill" him. I am really upset b/c I was so worried about him easing up to, during and after the surgery that I feel he is being unappreciative. When I asked him what he means by stress I create, he said have related an atmosphere of "emotional oppression" in the household where only my feeling my feelings matter, not his nor our children's. I really don't understand what he means. He said I need to get therapy myself and we also need it as a family. I do not believe in therapy or hanging out my feelings to a total stranger. Am I really going something wrong, is he having some sort of crisis or is he just being a jerk?

It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong. A relationship takes two committed partners in order to work. He has told you his level of commitment is get counseling or he is out. You have to decide if you dislike counseling so much that you are willing to scrap the relationship over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a male. I have known that I was at an extreme risk for heart disease for 40 years (since I was 10). My health is my problem. I have to take ownership. But, when I was dating someone that only knew how to cook foods I shouldn't eat, and got upset when I did not eat much Kielbasa, for example, that was a problem. I explained the issue (I was 32 at the time, with no evidence of a problem other than LDL of 160, HDL of 15, total cholesterol of 250 on the maximum does of statins). I realized that I could not live with her, and we broke up.

My Wife is the other extreme...she thinks one drop of red meat will kill me. But, in the last year I have had metastatic cancer and a heart stent put in....she may be right.

Even without a health issue someone who gets upset when you don't eat something isn't a good choice for a spouse. As your current wife, making her responsible for what you eat is sooo 1950s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a male. I have known that I was at an extreme risk for heart disease for 40 years (since I was 10). My health is my problem. I have to take ownership. But, when I was dating someone that only knew how to cook foods I shouldn't eat, and got upset when I did not eat much Kielbasa, for example, that was a problem. I explained the issue (I was 32 at the time, with no evidence of a problem other than LDL of 160, HDL of 15, total cholesterol of 250 on the maximum does of statins). I realized that I could not live with her, and we broke up.

My Wife is the other extreme...she thinks one drop of red meat will kill me. But, in the last year I have had metastatic cancer and a heart stent put in....she may be right.

But your issues are health related. I recall cooking steak once when we were first together and being asked "were these grass fed and humanely killed?" Since we come from different worlds it took me awhile to figure out that at some stores you can actually by beef that is marketed as being fed and butchered in a supposedly more human way. While I have given in to buying and cooking foods that are fed and slaughtered in particular ways (or advertised as such) because the relationship was worth it to me and its more of an inconvenience than anything I will tell you the first time I heard it I was going "I just cooked you a terrific meal and you are asking how the steak was killed?".

In a relationship where its a health reason it would be very hard not to make considerations for the person's whose health was in consideration.

[Anonymous]

Man here.

Go to therapy if you want to exhaust all possibilities of preserving the marriage and keeping the family unit in its current state.

I had a cancer scare that served as a wake-up call for me. I loved my ex-wife, but sitting in that room waiting for results made me realize that life is way too short to be miserable.

She refused to change, so I filed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ignore this. This pp wants your husband dead

If he fails to take responsibility for his own health, he'll die young. He needs to watch his diet; he needs to exercise; and he needs to develop better ways of coping with things he finds stressful. It's hard to imagine a worse technique than telling a wife she's "killing you"; he obviously needs to learn to communicate. I suppose OP does, too, because these things aren't usually all one-sided.

So he should just get better at taking what she dishes out. Lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depression is very common after bypass surgery or a heart attack.

This is true. Read up on it. Some medical procedures (big ones) can drastically change a person's personality. A good physician will warn you about this.

[Anonymous]

His anger may be an aftereffect of the bypass surgery, or he may not be thinking clearly, especially if the heart-lung machine was used. Go to therapy with him, even if you don't like the idea. I hope it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is very common after bypass surgery or a heart attack.

This is true. Read up on it. Some medical procedures (big ones) can drastically change a person's personality. A good physician will warn you about this.

So true. This anger and nastiness is also very, very common. Bypass surgery virtually always results in some mild brain damage (the oxygenation machine doesn't quite get it right) which can lead to these kind of outbursts. Get yourself onto a support forum to find some other spouses to talk to (they tend to say it takes 3+ months to return to normal behavior) and oblige your husband with therapy in the meantime - it may turn out to be very productive.