DH just had bypass and says he wants a divorce

[Anonymous]

DH refused to follow doctors' orders. He dropped dead of a heart attack at age 40.

Darwinism takes its course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH refused to follow doctors' orders. He dropped dead of a heart attack at age 40.

My sympathy -- that's very difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a male. I have known that I was at an extreme risk for heart disease for 40 years (since I was 10). My health is my problem. I have to take ownership. But, when I was dating someone that only knew how to cook foods I shouldn't eat, and got upset when I did not eat much Kielbasa, for example, that was a problem. I explained the issue (I was 32 at the time, with no evidence of a problem other than LDL of 160, HDL of 15, total cholesterol of 250 on the maximum does of statins). I realized that I could not live with her, and we broke up.

My Wife is the other extreme...she thinks one drop of red meat will kill me. But, in the last year I have had metastatic cancer and a heart stent put in....she may be right.

NP here. You and your wife sound like me and DH! He has a family history and almost the exact cholesterol profile. Unfortunately (ha) for him, the TLC diet we researched and he followed to the letter (with me doing most/all of the cooking and supporting him) worked, so no statins for him (yet). He was advised to go on statins at 34, which at the time only had been researched to 20 years out. I want to get him until at least 50, by which point they'll have 30-40 years of longevity research to go on.

Anyway, your wife loves you and wants you around for a long time! Don't sneak ice cream!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH refused to follow doctors' orders. He dropped dead of a heart attack at age 40.

Darwinism takes its course.

FIL refused to follow doctors' orders and dropped dead at 53. DH and BIL are totally motivated to do things differently and whenever they slip a bit and we start hearing crap about their "lifestyle" all SIL and I have to do is say very gently, "You know, I remember FIL sounding a lot like that, too" and it puts giving up animal fat in perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might be going through depression after undergoing surgery...

I do not think it is the case - he would not have the energy to go through divorce and therapy if he is depressed. More like he had an awakening due to the bypass.

Depression is an extremely common effect of heart surgery (so common it's not really a "side" effect) and despair of anything ever improving is a big flag of depression. There's no evidence that DH has the energy to go through divorce, but he's clearly feeling hopeless and asking for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a male. I have known that I was at an extreme risk for heart disease for 40 years (since I was 10). My health is my problem. I have to take ownership. But, when I was dating someone that only knew how to cook foods I shouldn't eat, and got upset when I did not eat much Kielbasa, for example, that was a problem. I explained the issue (I was 32 at the time, with no evidence of a problem other than LDL of 160, HDL of 15, total cholesterol of 250 on the maximum does of statins). I realized that I could not live with her, and we broke up.

My Wife is the other extreme...she thinks one drop of red meat will kill me. But, in the last year I have had metastatic cancer and a heart stent put in....she may be right.

Even without a health issue someone who gets upset when you don't eat something isn't a good choice for a spouse. As your current wife, making her responsible for what you eat is sooo 1950s.

He never said he made her responsible for what he ate. He said that she worries about his health, perhaps to the opposite extreme of the earlier girlfriend. Ease off the throttle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a male. I have known that I was at an extreme risk for heart disease for 40 years (since I was 10). My health is my problem. I have to take ownership. But, when I was dating someone that only knew how to cook foods I shouldn't eat, and got upset when I did not eat much Kielbasa, for example, that was a problem. I explained the issue (I was 32 at the time, with no evidence of a problem other than LDL of 160, HDL of 15, total cholesterol of 250 on the maximum does of statins). I realized that I could not live with her, and we broke up.

My Wife is the other extreme...she thinks one drop of red meat will kill me. But, in the last year I have had metastatic cancer and a heart stent put in....she may be right.

NP here. You and your wife sound like me and DH! He has a family history and almost the exact cholesterol profile. Unfortunately (ha) for him, the TLC diet we researched and he followed to the letter (with me doing most/all of the cooking and supporting him) worked, so no statins for him (yet). He was advised to go on statins at 34, which at the time only had been researched to 20 years out. I want to get him until at least 50, by which point they'll have 30-40 years of longevity research to go on.

Anyway, your wife loves you and wants you around for a long time! Don't sneak ice cream!

pp here. I have been on the statins since they first came out in 1987 (mevacor). There are people that have been on them for 30 years (from studies). The thing is, even if there are long term health issues, there are long term health issues with high cholesterol. With out the statins, I surely would have had a heart attack, or bipass by about 42. With them, I went 49 before a stent was put in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He never said he made her responsible for what he ate. He said that she worries about his health, perhaps to the opposite extreme of the earlier girlfriend. Ease off the throttle.

If you'd seen people who try to control their spouses or children through illness, you'd know that it gets ugly. Not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ignore this. This pp wants your husband dead

If he fails to take responsibility for his own health, he'll die young. He needs to watch his diet; he needs to exercise; and he needs to develop better ways of coping with things he finds stressful. It's hard to imagine a worse technique than telling a wife she's "killing you"; he obviously needs to learn to communicate. I suppose OP does, too, because these things aren't usually all one-sided.

He DOES need to take responsibility for his health - he needs to leave this chick....pronto!! Consider this...HE is the one that almost died, stress was a factor and he thinks his relationship with his DW contributed to that stress. Who gives a damn about "fairness?" It is clear to anyone who can read context that he is not blaming is wife per se - but the current dymanics of their family. If OP gets all caught up in the blame game, she will end up divored or a widow.

[Anonymous]

Read the original post again. It doesn't sound as if he's in any shape to make a decision to divorce. He is probably still suffering the emotional and cognitive aftereffects of bypass surgery.

Therapy sounds like a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH refused to follow doctors' orders. He dropped dead of a heart attack at age 40.

Darwinism takes its course.

I'm very sorry. My DH too. 38.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the original post again. It doesn't sound as if he's in any shape to make a decision to divorce. He is probably still suffering the emotional and cognitive aftereffects of bypass surgery.

Therapy sounds like a good idea.

He suggested therapy. The OP refuses it because of concerns about sharing feelings with a total stranger. What would his next step be?

[Anonymous]

Most men are total babies about bypass surgery and freak out afterword. He needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He suggested therapy. The OP refuses it because of concerns about sharing feelings with a total stranger. What would his next step be?

He really should call his cardiologist and see about getting therapy for himself, but he probably isn't ready for that. OP is considering therapy, and I suggest that she agree to go. If she finds a therapist intrusive, they need to change therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men are total babies about bypass surgery and freak out afterword. He needs to grow up.

There are physical aftereffects of bypass surgery cause changes in people's thinking and in their emotions. Usually short-lived.