Husband unemployed and not applying for jobs. How to manage my feelings?
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Anonymous
I have been through this, twice. In my opinion, most employers want a degree of some sort, and of course, a specific degree depending on the job. However, I applied for jobs directly and also met with several temp agencies since they tend to have avenues that others do not. To the person that added to this thread a few days ago, dump him. Think about this, if he won't job search, imagine having children with him. He will be just as lazy there. He is using you. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Who is paying for the tv and internet? I'd cut both off and say I couldn't afford to keep them. He could use the public library for internet and the job search. If I am paying for all the Gracie's, we'd be eating crappy hamburger helper until he got a job. This being unemployed thing needs to start to get a little uncomfortable. Switch to horrible cheap soap, cheap one ply toilet paper etc. |
Anonymous
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Hang in there OP. I was there too while pregnant. I grew to resent my husband. And it was really hard to recover from that. It was hard to understand that it wasn't because he didn't care. He had so much anxiety in applying that he would just sit there and watch tv all day. He eventually set up a bunch of lunch meetings. And landed himself a fellowship. Although he's not bringing in a salary to support our family (it covers his bills and expenses), it's so so nice to see him out and being himself again.
The one thing he often complained about was that I wasn't emotionally supportive to his needs. I honestly still don't know what that means. I was pregnant, tired, and working so much to make sure we were ok. And at that time, that's all I could offer. So if you're not at your breaking point just yet, be emotionally supportive and highlight his strengths that will motivate him to apply for jobs. |
Anonymous
BINGO! |
Anonymous
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Things are very wrong if you cannot talk to your DH about this situation, if it "quickly becomes a fight" and so you avoid it entirely.
You and your DH need to be acting as a team. I think he sounds depressed and like he needs to see a psychiatrist. I would say, " We need to be acting as a team here but we can't talk without fighting. Here is the name of a psychiatrist a friend recommended. I need you to go be screened for depression. This whole situation is very anxiety-provoking for both of us and this is something you can do that will reduce my anxiety substantially, because I am worried about the future and I need to know that you are not spiraling into a crippling depression. I think it would also help you a lot to have someone to talk to about your anxiety who is not me." If he refuses to go, well, then that is a problem because that is a totally reasonable request. You could say, "I think I am making a very reasonable request. I love you and trust you. At the same time, if I spent every day at home alone watching TV for months, I think you'd be worried about me and the future, too. I thought when we got married we'd be a team, but if I express any concerns to you you basically tell me if I don't like it I can leave. You know I don't think you are a bum and I don't want to leave. But you have to see that this is a worrying situation and I need you to do something to show you understand my concerns and are taking them seriously." If you say crap to him like that and it goes no where, then his lack of a job is the least of your problems. |
Anonymous
It's called tough love. You have to make a stand and keep strong. |
Anonymous
| I had really bad interview anxiety and it took me a year to find a job. It would have been worse if someone were hounding me to apply to jobs. |
Anonymous
Wah wah wah wah wah |
Anonymous
I was this poster 5 years ago. I had an XH who was unemployed because he quit a job (not because he was fired.) He did not look for a replacement job. He sat around at home. I tried this poster's advice: he turned into the SAHD and took over laundry. HOWEVER, here's what you need to know if your marriage fails. 1) Your DH will get custody or a greatly enhanced preference in the courts for custody. 2) If you have been married more than 5 years, you may owe him alimony for "giving up his career to devote himself to the kids." 3) You will be ordered to pay child support to your DH because he will have no income and most of the custodial time. 4) Your efforts to provide for the family will be misconstrued by the judge and court as "putting your career first." If you doubt what I am writing, you should consult privately with a divorce attorney and/or read the book WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DIVORCE. So... proceed very carefully here. I wish I had insisted on sending kids to daycare (even though it would have been a financial hit) and documented his voluntary underemployed choices. |
Anonymous
| He needs to see a doctor to get anxiety drugs. |
Anonymous
I am a SAHM. I do not do yards and home improvement. However, I do drive kids around to activities, help them with their homework, and tutor them. Gift buying is entirely delegated to Amazon. But I digress... SAH should not be the fallback because of unemployment, but rather that there is a need in the family for someone to SAH. I think OP will resent her DH because even WOH women prefer some traditional roles to be played by the man of the house, and that is the man to be a breadwinner/earning money. Even is you do not have kids, if you and your spouse decide that one person needs to SAH, then it fits the need of your family. This does not sound like a joint decision. Your are skating on thin ice with this. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
So, he would be entitled to exactly what a SAHM would be entitled to in a more conventional situation. How unjust. |
Anonymous
Unjust? Now be fair for just a minute. We are not talking about a conventional SAHP situation, where two people mutually decide that it's best for their family for one parent to SAH. And the SAHP truly "gives up" their career to support the family in a MUTUAL AGREEMENT. We are talking about a situation where one partner is refusing to get a job, even though the partners had been operating as a dual-income partnership for x amount of time. Neither "partner" should make unilateral decisions about being a SAHP or refusing to go back to work. And I say that as a WOHM. |